Kate: Mom! No texting and driving!
Me: I’m at a stop light.
Kate: Still counts.
Me: Who told you that?
Kate: Your mom.
Me: How was your lunch at school today, girls?
Kate: Good. Hey, Emma. What time do you eat lunch?
Emma: Like the time we wake up when there’s no school.
Me: What color do you want me to paint your room? Do you still want red?
Kate: Let me think about it…..
Me: What about like red stripes or polka dots?
Kate: What about a giant tiger over my bed.
I was helping Kate with her homework.
Me: Ok, last question. If you have 5 buttons, what is the most amount of buttons you can give away?
Kate: Well, let me think.
Me: This is the easiest question on your homework tonight.
Kate: But I want to keep a button for myself.
Scott and I were in bed one morning and the girls came in.
Scott: Will one of you make us coffee?
Me: Yes, go start a pot.
Emma: We don’t know how to make coffee.
Kate: We’re kids! And you’re just lazy adults.
I was singing to “You can’t always get what you want” by the Rolling Stones in the car.
Me: “I saw her today at the reception….a glass of wine in her hand…”
Emma: Wine in her hand?
Kate: Sounds like a song about Nana. She always has a glass of wine in her hand.
Me: You hear this girls. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try real hard, you’ll get what you need. Life lesson by Mick Jagger.
Kate: Yeah, well sometimes you don’t get what you want either. Like, sometimes I don’t let Stella outside and make you have to do it.
Kate: What is daddy’s costume this year?
Me: It’s a secret. I can’t tell you because you will tell your little friends and they’ll tell their parents.
Kate: Give me a hint.
Me: He’s a costume with me.
Kate: What’s a costume with me.
We went out to eat after Emma’s late soccer game. We walked out of the restaurant.
Emma: Burrrrrr. It got cold! I’m so cold. Hey, now I know what it’s like to be mom all the time.
I promised the girls I would take them out for ice cream after school one day. We went through a drive-thru. The line was long and moving slow.
Me: We made a bad choice.
Kate: A HORRIBLE CHOICE. Just start honking, mom.
The girls were at the gym’s child care. They didn’t know I was in the room. They were coloring and talking to a teacher.
Teacher: Wow! You girls are awesome at drawing!
Emma: We have a lot of good drawers in our family. Our funny Papa, our aunt Jenna, and my mom.
Kate: Ha! Our mom just texts.
Me: Oh, good. Daddy landed ok in Boston, girls.
Kate: Well, knock on wood and slap me in the face.
Emma: How old were you when you got married?
Me: Hmmmm. 22?
Emma: Whoa! That’s like close to a teenager!
Kate: TOO YOUNG!
Scott and I decided to watch a movie in our living room one night. We have large windows, looking out to our backyard patio.
Scott: Girls, go play outside with your friends. This is an adult movie.
The girls left. An hour into the movie, I see Kate sitting on patio furniture with a friend.
Me: Scott, pause the movie. Kate!
Kate walked in.
Me: What are you and K doing?
Kate: Just watching your movie. And laughing at all the kissing.
Kate: Let’s see who is tanner.
(we held up our arms together)
Me: ME! You are your daddy’s white girl.
Kate: Oh yeah! Well, let’s compare my arm to your boob.
Emma: Kate, pretend I’m drinking a Summer Shandy.
Kate: (spits into a spit cup) Ok.
We grilled brats and burgers for dinner one night.
Kate: Mmmmmm….this burger is so good, I wanna slap my momma’s booty!
Kate: (slaps my butt) Slap that booty!
Me: Who taught you that?
I got to interview two KC Chiefs’ players for Simply KC magazine. I went to Arrowhead to interview Travis Kelce and Jeremy Maclin. I had to go straight to the girls’ school to pick them up after the interview. I was dressed up more than normal.
Kate: Why are you all pretty?
My parents are cleaning out their house. My dad brought over my wedding dress. I haven’t opened it since we got it back from the cleaners. I opened it and called the girls in.
Me: Girls, you want to see my wedding dress?
Emma: Oh my gosh, mom! This is so pretty! I want to try it on! You must have looked beautiful in this! Kate, isn’t it pretty?
Kate: Oh. Sight words! Your. Has. Been. To. A. And.
Me: Want to hear what’s for lunch tomorrow?
Kate: Sure. But I’m telling you I will always pick cold lunch.
Kate: Nothing makes me smile.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Me: Kids! Ok, I think Belle pooped in our neighbor’s yard here. Help me find the poop!
Kids: Find the poop! Find the poop!
Kid: Ms. Julie, would you like me to get down on my hands and knees? I would do that for you. I’m a really good smeller.
Emma and Kate were fighting in front of their friends. I pulled their friends over.
Me: Hey. Do you guys fight with your siblings too? As much as Emma and Kate?
Kid: Yeah, we do! Sometimes I tell my sister I’m going to kill her in her sleep.
Me: We’re eating sloppy joes tonight. What are you guys eating?
Me: Mmmmm. That sounds good too.
Kid: My grandma calls sloppy joes spanish food.
Me: Oh, you’re such a great artist! I love this!
Kid: I know.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.