Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Kate: Mom! No texting and driving!

Me: I’m at a stop light.

Kate: Still counts.

Me: Who told you that?

Kate: Your mom.

___________

Me: How was your lunch at school today, girls?

Emma: Good.

Kate: Good. Hey, Emma. What time do you eat lunch?

Emma: Like the time we wake up when there’s no school.

___________

Me: What color do you want me to paint your room? Do you still want red?

Kate: Let me think about it…..

Me: What about like red stripes or polka dots?

Kate: What about a giant tiger over my bed.

___________

I was helping Kate with her homework.

Me: Ok, last question. If you have 5 buttons, what is the most amount of buttons you can give away?

Kate: Well, let me think.

Me: This is the easiest question on your homework tonight.

Kate: But I want to keep a button for myself.

___________

Scott and I were in bed one morning and the girls came in.

Scott: Will one of you make us coffee?

Me: Yes, go start a pot.

Emma: We don’t know how to make coffee.

Kate: We’re kids! And you’re just lazy adults.

___________

I was singing to “You can’t always get what you want” by the Rolling Stones in the car.

Me: “I saw her today at the reception….a glass of wine in her hand…”

Emma: Wine in her hand?

Kate: Sounds like a song about Nana. She always has a glass of wine in her hand.

___________

Me: You hear this girls. You can’t always get what you want. But if you try real hard, you’ll get what you need. Life lesson by Mick Jagger.

Kate: Yeah, well sometimes you don’t get what you want either. Like, sometimes I don’t let Stella outside and make you have to do it.

___________

Kate: What is daddy’s costume this year?

Me: It’s a secret. I can’t tell you because you will tell your little friends and they’ll tell their parents.

Kate: Give me a hint.

Me: He’s a costume with me.

Kate: What’s a costume with me.

___________

We went out to eat after Emma’s late soccer game. We walked out of the restaurant.

Emma: Burrrrrr. It got cold! I’m so cold. Hey, now I know what it’s like to be mom all the time.

___________

I promised the girls I would take them out for ice cream after school one day. We went through a drive-thru. The line was long and moving slow.

Me: We made a bad choice.

Kate: A HORRIBLE CHOICE. Just start honking, mom.

___________

The girls were at the gym’s child care. They didn’t know I was in the room. They were coloring and talking to a teacher.

Teacher: Wow! You girls are awesome at drawing!

Emma: We have a lot of good drawers in our family. Our funny Papa, our aunt Jenna, and my mom.

Kate: Ha! Our mom just texts.

___________

Me: Oh, good. Daddy landed ok in Boston, girls.

Kate: Well, knock on wood and slap me in the face.

Me: WHAT?

Kate: …….

___________

Emma: How old were you when you got married?

Me: Hmmmm. 22?

Emma: Whoa! That’s like close to a teenager!

Kate: TOO YOUNG!

___________

Scott and I decided to watch a movie in our living room one night. We have large windows, looking out to our backyard patio.

Scott: Girls, go play outside with your friends. This is an adult movie.

The girls left. An hour into the movie, I see Kate sitting on patio furniture with a friend.

Me: Scott, pause the movie. Kate!

Kate walked in.

Me: What are you and K doing?

Kate: Just watching your movie. And laughing at all the kissing.

___________

Kate: Let’s see who is tanner.

Me: Ok.

(we held up our arms together)

Me: ME! You are your daddy’s white girl.

Kate: Oh yeah! Well, let’s compare my arm to your boob.

___________

Emma: Kate, pretend I’m drinking a Summer Shandy.

Kate: (spits into a spit cup) Ok.

___________

We grilled brats and burgers for dinner one night.

Kate: Mmmmmm….this burger is so good, I wanna slap my momma’s booty!

Me: What?

Kate: (slaps my butt) Slap that booty!

Me: Who taught you that?

Kate: …….

___________

I got to interview two KC Chiefs’ players for Simply KC magazine. I went to Arrowhead to interview Travis Kelce and Jeremy Maclin. I had to go straight to the girls’ school to pick them up after the interview. I was dressed up more than normal.

Kate: What?

Me: What.

Kate: Why are you all pretty?

___________

My parents are cleaning out their house. My dad brought over my wedding dress. I haven’t opened it since we got it back from the cleaners. I opened it and called the girls in.

dress

Me: Girls, you want to see my wedding dress?

Emma: Oh my gosh, mom! This is so pretty! I want to try it on! You must have looked beautiful in this! Kate, isn’t it pretty?

Kate: Oh. Sight words! Your. Has. Been. To. A. And.

___________

Me: Want to hear what’s for lunch tomorrow?

Kate: Sure. But I’m telling you I will always pick cold lunch.

___________

Me: Smile!

Kate: Nothing makes me smile.

FullSizeRender

___________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Me: Kids! Ok, I think Belle pooped in our neighbor’s yard here. Help me find the poop!

Kids: Find the poop! Find the poop!

Kid: Ms. Julie, would you like me to get down on my hands and knees? I would do that for you. I’m a really good smeller.

___________

Emma and Kate were fighting in front of their friends. I pulled their friends over.

Me: Hey. Do you guys fight with your siblings too? As much as Emma and Kate?

Kid: Yeah, we do! Sometimes I tell my sister I’m going to kill her in her sleep.

___________

Me: We’re eating sloppy joes tonight. What are you guys eating?

Kid: Tacos.

Me: Mmmmm. That sounds good too.

Kid: My grandma calls sloppy joes spanish food.

___________

Me: Oh, you’re such a great artist! I love this!

Kid: I know.

___________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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