Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate features things my kids say. I jot the quotes in my phone so I don’t forget. If I think what they said are still funny, I will copy the quotes here.

We moved into the cul-de-sac and our house has turned into a turnstile of kids. My ears are always on. Welcome to my world, kids.

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I was holding our puppy, Stella. She started to lick my shirt.

Kate: You tryin’ to lick some milk out of those boobies? Not gunna happen. Not gunna happen. No, it’s not. No, it’s not.

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Scott: You girls need to start to be more active and not so lazy!

Kate: Well the dog poops upstairs.

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Kate: Why do they make days so quick?

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Kate: Why is Greenland named Greenland when it’s all snowy?

Emma: Maybe the scientist said, ‘hey come to Greenland and visit me! It’s beautiful and green!’ Then they came and he laughed because he tricked all of them.

____________

We got out of the car and started to walk up the driveway after school.

Kate: Can I go over C’s house?

Me: Oh. Well, it looks like she’s on her way here. She’s leaving her driveway on her bike now. Oh wait, she turned around.

Kate: Ha! She forgot to ask her mom.

We watch C go in garage then come back out and start towards our house again.

C: Hey! Sorry! I forgot to ask my mom.

____________

Scott and I were arguing over something in the car.

Kate: Stop fighting! You sound like a commercial.

____________

The coyote decided to show up in our backyard again, looking for Belle to eat. Scott went outside to stalk it. I told the girls daddy would take care of the coyote and I told them to go to bed.

I woke up Kate the next day for school. She sits up, drowsy. Her head was bobbing and she couldn’t keep her eyes open.

Kate: Did he shoot it.

Me: What? Are you dreaming?

Kate: No. Daddy. Did daddy shoot the coyote.

____________

The girls and I were watching the Royals play on TV.

Me: Oh, look! Eric Hosmer is up next. I interviewed him for the magazine, girls.

Kate: You little snot.

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We had some neighborhood kids over.

Kate: Guess what?

Kid: What?

Kate: I can burp like my mom. Listen. (let’s out the world’s longest burp)

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Scott: If Randy Houser were your husband would you ask him to sing to you every night?

Me: Hmmmm…I think I would assume he would sing anyway. I wouldn’t have to ask for a serenade.

Scott: I would ask Randy Houser if he were my husband. His voice is amazing.

Me: (Get out my phone to type this)

Scott: Stop it. I know what you’re doing.

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Emma and I passed a building that caught on fire several months ago. The building is still standing but completely ruined.

Me: Em, look at that building. I can’t believe they haven’t torn it down yet. What a massive fire.

Emma: Yeah, someone in that building probably didn’t make good choices in their life.

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The girls and their friends made a “restaurant” in our basement.

Emma: Look mom, we printed menus! It’s called Stella and Belle’s Cafe.

Me: Oh, that’s so cute!

Kid: Yeah, we printed a food menu AND we printed a beer menu for all the parents!

Me: What.

Emma: And we DO have Summer Shandy, mom. Don’t worry.

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I was unpacking boxes and could overhear Kate talking to her friends.

Kate: Oh, hold on. Let me put my contacts in.

I peeked in her room. The kids were watching her open a contact case.

Me: What are you doing? You don’t wear contacts!

Kate: (touches the white of her eye) Oh. Much better. I can see!

Me: Give me that thing.

I looked in the contact case and see liquid inside.

Me: Is this contact solution?

Kate: Sometimes I put in Emma’s contacts.

Me: WHAT. You better not! How do you know how to do that?

Kate: I touch my eyes all the time.

Emma: Mom. She pretends she has contacts. It’s water.

Kate: (blinks and smiles)

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Me: Kate, did you put away the clothes I put on your bed?

Kate: Lemme think.

Me: I hope you did because you said you did earlier.

Kate: Lemme think.

Me: I’m going to go check.

Kate: AH! I’ll do it tomorrow! I’ll do it tomorrow!

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Emma: What should I be when I grow up?

Me: Hmmmm…good question. Let me think.

Kate: I think you should be an artist so I can get your famous paintings for free.

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I was painting my nails. Kate walks in the room.

Kate: I thought I smelled nail polish!

I look up at her.

Kate: (Sticks her butt at me and farts. Walks out of the room)

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Kate: Would you rather stand in front of boys naked or go to the bathroom in front of boys?

Me: I’m not answering that.

Kate: I would rather go to the bathroom because the boys can’t really see anything when you’re sitting down.

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Scott: I told Kate she was nuttier than a squirrel’s turd and she damn near started crying.

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It was the last day in the apartment. We had no silverware because it was packed. The girls had a container of ice cream outside.

Me: Oh, you guys getting a snack?

Kate: Yep!

Me: Wait, how are you eating it without spoons?

Emma and Kate: (hold up their hands)

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Me: Ok, girls. Let’s go meet daddy at the soccer field. Head Coach Scott’s first soccer practice! Yay!

Kate: Good thing he’s good at yelling.

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I took the girls shopping.

Emma: Whew! I’m tired! We sure are getting some shopping done today!

Kate: Uh oh. Let’s not tell daddy.

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Kate: This popsicle is so good, I could eat this upside down.

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Me: Look girls! There’s daddy’s old high school!

Kate: Where he pooped his pants on accident.

Emma: No, Kate. That was college.

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I brought the girls home from school.

Emma: Can I play outside?

Me: No. You’re grounded, remember? Your dad said no playing after school.

Emma: Mo-om!

Me: No, Emma.

Emma: I won’t tell him if you won’t.

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Kid: Is my sister here?

Me: Yep, she’s right here.

Sister walks up to the door.

Kid: Oh my gosh! I thought you left on your own, were kidnapped, and left for dead!

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A kid fell and skinned her knee. She started crying.

Me: Oh no! Do you need a band-aid?

Kid: (stops crying) Yeah. Oh good, my mom won’t be mad because there’s real blood this time.

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Kids: Can Emma and Kate come outside to play?

Me: Give us, like, 30 minutes. We’re eating dinner now.

Kids: (flip off their shoes) Oh, can we watch then?

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I was watching my niece, Gabby.

Gabby: Who’s car is that?

Me: Uncle Scott.

Gabby: What about that one?

Me: That’s mine, silly.

Gabby: Oh. And where’s Kate’s?

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Gabby: I wish Scott was here.

Me: You do? Why?

Gabby: So he can be our butler.

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I was watching my other niece, Evelyn.

Me: You want to get dressed before your mom comes and picks you up?

Evelyn: I want braces.

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Kate: Change the radio station.

Me: This is Taylor Swift! You love her.

Emma: It is?

Me: It’s one of her earlier songs. She was much younger.

Kate: Ha! Like 1?

Me: No, teenager maybe?

Kate: I just want Taylor Swift to sing a song called “Oh Emma, Oh Kate.”

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