In the car.
Kate: I gotta fart but I’m going to wait until we get on the highway and you can’t roll down the windows.
There was a car in front of me, stopped in the road. The flashers were not on. I waited for a little bit then decided to go around them. I started to pull forward.
Me: Ugh, come on people! You can’t just stop in the middle of the road!
I hear the window go down.
Me: Hey, what are you doing?
Kate: HAAA! That’s great, Emma!
I passed the car.
Me: What’d she do? What are you guys doing?
Kate: Emma gave that car a thumbs down. Then I stuck my tongue out at the people.
Scott was driving the car. The girls were fighting in the back.
Scott: KATE. I saw you slap Emma.
Kate: It was an accident.
Scott: No. I saw it in the rearview mirror. Don’t you lie to me.
Kate: You saw an accident.
We took the girls to a restaurant. We decided to sit on the rooftop bar. There was a man smoking next to us.
Kate: UGH. I HATE THAT SMELL.
Me: I don’t like it either but since we decided to eat outside on the rooftop, sometimes that happens. If you want, they can move us downstairs where there’s no smoking. Don’t be rude.
Kate and Emma: (sit and glare at the man, smoking. Both have their shirts pulled up over their noses)
We walked into Walmart.
Kate: I don’t really know why but I hate this store.
Scott told Emma to run into apartment to get something as we waited in the car. She walked inside and shut the door.
Scott: And hurry up, numb nuts!
Scott: (glances back at Kate) Oh, sorry. She doesn’t know what that means.
Scott wondered why Emma was taking so long so he went inside the apartment too.
Kate: (whispers) Hurry up, numb nuts.
Kate: I don’t like airplanes. It plugs my ears and it makes my voice quiet.
The girls had a friend, Elle, over. I told the girls they could pop some poppers in the front.
Me: Here is my rule, girls – no throwing these at people, especially people’s faces.
I shut the door and watched from window. I went to get my computer.
Kate’s voice: AMERICA! (snap, snap) Yeah! GO AMERICA! (snap, snap, snap)
I heard a knock at the door.
Woman: Do you know your daughters are throwing these in front of cars?
Me: Oh. No. I told them to throw them on the ground. I’m sorry. Girls, tell her you’re sorry.
The woman left.
Me: KATE BURTON, YOU GET IN HERE.
Elle: Kate yelled “Go America” and threw the poppers in front of the cars so the cars would make a noise.
Kate: I like America.
Kate walked in the apartment.
Kate: Hey, can I shoot my water gun at cars?
Me: Well, I don’t care but your dad said to stop doing it. So, no. Don’t do it or we’ll both get in trouble.
Kate: What about the really dirty ones?
Emma got contacts fairly recently. I asked her to put her contacts in after she woke up.
Emma: Ugh, fine. How long do I have to keep putting contacts in my eyes to see?
I woke up and saw Kate’s face in my face.
Kate: What’s your 5th favorite color?
I was holding our new puppy, Stella, for the first time.
Kate: I think she wants some milk from your boobs.
Me: Hey Emma, you shouldn’t sleep with necklaces on. You might choke.
Emma: I didn’t.
Me: Yes, you did. I see the necklace around your neck.
Emma: I didn’t choke.
Kate laughed at Emma getting examined at the orthodontist.
Nurse: You’re next!
Kate stopped laughing.
Next thing we know, I’m getting braces put on. The girls watched. Emma started laughing.
Kate: You’re next.
Me: Hey Scott, feel these things. I got a new laundry detergent, these pods. Feel them.
Scott: (feels them and laughs)
Emma: What? What do they feel like?
Me: Uh…um, silicone?
Emma: They feel like little boobs to me.
I got the girls their own library cards. I explained they need to keep their card in a safe place.
Kate: When can I get a Barnes and Noble card?
I have been teaching the girls the singers of classic rock songs. I quiz them in the car. “You Shook Me All Night Long” comes on the radio.
Me: Who sings this, girls? I’ll give you a hint. It’s letters.
Emma: AC/DC, Kate! Ha! ABCD.
“Purple Haze” by Jimi Hendrix started on the radio.
Me: Ok, I don’t think you know this one yet. This is Jimi Hendrix. We share a birthday! He is known as one of the best guitar players. He died at a young age because of a drug overdose. Don’t do drugs, kids.
Kate: What’s a drug overdose?
Me: He started taking a drug and couldn’t stop. It’s called an addiction. Sometimes people take too much when they’re addicted and they can die from it.
Kate: But why can’t they stop?
Emma: Come on, Kate. Can you stop drinking chocolate milk? No. You’re addicted.
Me: Guess where Nina and Papa are going next weekend?
Me: The Rolling Stones concert!
Kate: Oh, like this (sticks her tongue out like the logo)
I had a Warhead (the sour candy) in my hand.
Me: Lick this.
Kate licks and make sour face.
Kate: Can I have that?
Me: Ha! Ok.
Kate: Hey Emma, put this mint in your mouth! It’s not hot at all.
Kate: What’s that smell?
Me: It’s an alcohol wipe to wipe my glasses off. You’re smelling the alcohol.
Kate: Let me smell it.
Kate: Mmmm..I love that smell.
Scott walked in the room in his underwear.
Kate: I see that thing hanging down. It’s like a banana in a banana tree.
Kate: Why did Jesus make fruit flies?
Emma: Well, can you imagine how overloaded with food we would be on earth?
Kate went shopping with me. She wore a fedora. She walked over to a bunch of other hats on a rack. She took off her fedora and my red lipstick fell out from the top of her head.
Kate: Oh, I don’t know how that got there.
Kate: I can text you on my iPod now.
Me: But you don’t know how to spell.
Emma: She knows how to spell “I love you”, “butt”, and “you stink.”
Special edition: Oh Kids.
Me: Do you need to go to the bathroom?
My niece, Gabby: Yeah. I gotta pee on the pot.
Gabby: I gotta pee on the pot.
Me: Who taught you that?
Gabby: My dad.
Kid: Why did you bring the lifejackets, mom? If we can’t reach in the hot tub?
Kid: (shooting a dart gun) Girls have more protection than boys from darts. They have padding up here (points to his boobs)
Kid: Mom, have you ever been to jail?
We went to Yellowstone with some friends and their kids.
Tyler: (to his brother) You can’t take down Emma in wrestling.
Tanner: Yes, I can! I can take Emma down. But not Kate.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.