We took the girls out to Scott’s land he leases. We were driving around in our 4-wheeler. Scott walked off to check his corn and the girls and I waited.
Kate: Uh, I gotta pee.
Me: Ok, come here. I’ll hold you up against the 4 wheeler.
Emma jumped off to get out of the way. She stood in front of Kate, about 3 feet away. I positioned Kate to pee.
Me: Ok. Go. And try not to pee on my boots.
Kate: Watch this. (giggles)
She forced the pee out as hard as she could. The pee flies up like a rainbow and lands all over Emma.
Me: KATE AUDREY! YOU STOP IT! DO YOU HAVE A PENIS?!?!
Kate: (stops forcing pee) No.
The girls and I were in the waiting room at the pediatrician’s office.
Me: Kate! Stop kicking Emma’s stomach! Kate! You can’t punch stomachs either!
Kate: Doesn’t matter. We’re at the doctor’s.
Me: Kate, will you take this container and water my strawberry plant outside?
Me: Ok, it’s heavy. Got it? Just tip the spout on top of the plant.
Kate: Can you open the door for me?
Me: Yeah. (open door)
Kate: (stands at the door, chucks the water bucket at the side on the plant and takes a step back inside)
I watched the debut of Tyler Farr’s new music video for “Withdrawals.” Emma and Kate walked in the room and started watching with me.
Kate: What are you watching?
Emma: Tyler Farr. Mom and dad went fishing with him, remember?
Kate: Did you guys sing together too?
Scott and I took the girls out to eat at a restaurant.
Kate: RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU LIKE DICKS!
Scott: Sporting Goods?
Scott: Oh ok. (raises his hand)
I was driving the girls in the car.
Later that evening. Scott drove us to the Royals game.
Kate: Ah, I dropped my iPod! Shit!
Scott: What did you say?
Scott: Did you say the “s” word?
Kate: I don’t remember.
We parked at Kauffman Stadium. We started walking across the parking lot.
Me: Hey, remember D17. Kate, remember D as in Daddy. Emma, remember 17. It’s the day we got married.
Kate: Ha! 17th. Why?
Me: Are these new PJ shorts too short?
Me: What about when we go on vacation with your parents? Can I wear these around?
Scott: Wait, let me look again.
Emma: They look ok to me.
Kate: They look ok to me too. Ha! Look at that butt cheek hangin’ out!
I pulled up to our new house.
Me: Girls, I’m going to snap a few pictures. I’ll be right back. I’ll leave the car on since it’s hot out. Stay here.
I walked back out to the car. The girls were in the driver’s seat. Kate was slouched down. The car was revving up.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?
Emma: Mom, Kate tried to drive your car. I tried to stop her.
Me: KATE! NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!
Kate: I want to go fast. That pedal you showed me isn’t working.
The girls climbed in bed with me one morning.
Emma: Pew, Kate your breath stinks.
Me: Kate, go brush your teeth, please.
Kate: But it’s morning.
I went to the eye doctor and brought the girls with me.
Eye doctor: Can you read the smallest line?
Me: E, G, T, Y, L and maybe G?
My sister, Jenna, watched the girls while I got a bikini wax.
Kate: Do you know where my mom is?
Jenna: What? Uh, where?
Kate: She’s at CVS getting a wax.
Jenna: Do you know what a wax is?
Kate: I dunno.
Kate: Look at my swimsuit! It shows my belly!
Scott: And do you like that?
I got the girls into their swimsuits in the women’s locker room at the gym.
Kate: Why do they separate the boys and the girls?
Me: Why do you think?
Kate: Because they laugh at each other.
Me: Would you laugh at a naked boy?
Kate: No. I see daddy all the time.
Me: But you laugh.
Kate: That’s only because he does this. (She squeezes her legs together and puts her hands over her crotch and walks around.)
Kate: Girls rule, boys drool. Daddy, start drooling.
Emma: Man, it’s getting hot!
Kate: Ugh. Global warming.
Me: Ok Kate, while Emma is at soccer camp, we’re going to run a few errands.
Kate: Pick up birth control?
Kate: What’s birth control?
Kate: Mommy, what’s your favorite thing to do? You know, besides typing on a keyboard?
I was getting dressed.
Kate: See your Patinos. (Pa-teen-nos)
Me: What are patinos?
Kate: Butt cheeks. Patinis means more than one butt cheeks. Like two people’s butt cheeks.
Emma: Mom, can I have a cinnamon roll?
Kate: Sure can, babe!
Kate: I’m the mom today.
Emma: Where’s Kate?
Me: I don’t know? I thought she was with you?
Emma: I can’t find her.
Me: WHAT? (I get up and run around, looking for Kate. I find her under my bed sheets)
Me: What are you doing?
Kate: I’m mad at the world.
I took the girls out to lunch.
Kate: I need to go to the bathroom. Be right back.
Me: How do you know which door to go in if you can’t read?
Kate: On the sign, the girls have dresses on and the boys are naked.
Kate was eating french onion soup.
Kate: Will you take off the cheese?
Me: That’s the best part! You’re so strange.
Kate: (eats soup)
Me: You want to get ice cream after this?
Kate: Ok, let me eat the rest of these onions first.
I left the Target cashier.
Kate: Can I hold the wrapping paper?
I walked out the door. I felt a whack to my butt. I turned around.
Kate: (eyes get big, wrapping paper behind her back)
I take the girls to a spot in town with thousands of flags on display for Memorial Day weekend.
Me: Isn’t it pretty, girls? It’s to remember the people that died fighting for our country.
Kate: How many people died?
Me: Oh, um. In every war total? A lot. Hundreds of thousands. Probably more than that.
Kate: But did we win the war?
Kate: Did you know seahorses burp?
Emma: Would you rather jump off a cliff and die or eat pasta with poop meatballs?
Me: Gross, Emma! Eat pasta.
Kate: I would vote jump off a cliff but I whip out my parachute.
My sister, Jessica, taught the girls that if we were royalty, Emma would be the heir and Kate would be the “spare.” Now the girls speak with British accents.
Emma: I am the heir and Kate is the spare.
Kate: And my mum is cray with blueberries on her boobays.
Special Edition: Oh Nieces.
Summer time is here. That means extra time around Aunt Jules!
Gabby (3 years old): Hey, Emma and Kate, let’s pick Julie’s butt.
Gabby: Do you have a sister?
Me: Yes, your mom.
Gabby: But she’s a big kid!
Me: She’s my little sister.
Gabby: No way. Who’s your mom?
Gabby: You have nice barbies.
Me: What’s barbies?
The family attended the baptism of my niece, June. I had my niece, Evelyn, on my lap.
Evelyn (2 years old): (whispering) Hey lets go up those stairs.
Me: Shhhh. No, that’s the alter. June’s up there with your parents right now.
Evelyn: Let’s go up the stairs, turn around, and say cheese. Lets see what happens.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.