I was getting dressed when Kate walked in.
Kate: I want boobies.
Me: You’ll get some when you’re older.
Kate: Then can I wear a string up my butt like you do too?
Me: Your face gets so red when you’re hot.
Kate: I’m just mad.
Kate: Will you make me oatmeal?
Me: Yeah, ok. I’ll get up.
Kate: Finally! I’ve been waiting for, like, 1,000 miles!
Kate: What if you had boobs on your eyes?
Emma: How much is 12 pounds?
Me: I gotta go pee. Be right back.
Kate: Well, don’t just sit there on Pinterest.
I rented the movie, Big (with Tom Hanks) for the girls to watch.
Emma: Do you wish you were a kid again?
Me: Hmmmm. No. Well, maybe. I would like to re-do some things.
Emma: I don’t wish to be a grown up. I don’t have a wallet.
Me: Ha! You mean, like, money?
Emma: No, like a real wallet to put my money.
I also rented the movie, Now and Then (with Christina Ricci) for the girls to watch. Mistake. Why isn’t that movie rated R?
Emma: Kate, truth or dare?
Me: STOP. Where did you hear about this game?
Emma: I made it up.
Me: No, don’t lie. Where?
Emma: That movie you let us watch. Now and Then.
Kate: (runs in the room with Q-tips in her ears) I’m an elf.
Me: Wait! Let me get a picture of you!
Kate: (runs off) Can’t hear you!
Kate: Would you rather…eat REAL dirt and worms. Like REAL ONES. Or jump in a volcano?
Kate: How do you spell “bow and arrows straight ahead.”
I was shopping with the girls.
Kate: Do you have a ponytail holder?
Me: No. I have one in the car though.
Kate: I’ll just take that clip from your hair then.
Me: GIRLS! Why is my bra in the middle of the living room?
Emma: Kate was wearing it under her shirt after school.
Me: Happy Cinco de Mayo, girls! Let’s make margaritas and tacos for our Mexican heritage!
Emma: Ok! Can we have margaritas?
Me: Well, I bought a mix that you can drink. So yeah.
I dipped their glass rim in salt, added ice, margarita mix and a lime wedge. I made myself the same but I added a few shots of tequila.
Kate: This is yummy! Hey, what’s that?
Me: It’s the stuff you can’t have in a normal margarita. It’s called tequila.
Kate: Can I smell it?
Me: Ok. I’m sure you won’t like the smell though.
Emma: (smells, makes a face)
Kate: (smells) Mmmmm…smells so good.
I took the girls to the pool. We were walking out the door. I had on a tank top over my bikini.
Kate: That’s a cute bikini.
Kate: What’s those holes on the sides?
Me: Oh. It’s just decoration on the bottom sides.
Kate: Good thing that decoration isn’t over your vagina!
Me: (Glare at her)
Kate: (Eyes get big)
Me: Kate! It’s your last day of being 5! You’ll be 6 tomorrow! Can you believe it?!
Kate: Can you believe you were REALLY, SUPER FAT 6 years ago? Your big belly probably went way out to here!
Kate: Do I have school today?
Kate: YAY! Dark lipstick day!
Kate climbed into bed with me. (Scott was out of town)
Kate: I had a dream I cut daddy’s ear off and I got scared. So I just laid there with my eyes shut, hoping it wasn’t real.
Emma: Can I have a brownie?
Me: No. You’ve been fighting all morning with your sister.
Emma: (leaves then comes back with a picture) Do you like this picture I drew?
Me: AW! Yeah! Lightening bugs in a mason jar! That’s SO CUTE, Em!
Emma: You can have it for a brownie.
Kate: AND I DON’T LIKE THE ROYALS!
Me: What? Why?
Kate: Because I’m mad at you.
Emma: Can I have some more Pez for my dispenser?
Me: Yeah, I’ll have to look at the store. They might be hard to find.
Kate: Target. At check out. To the left. The left side, mom. Like this side.
Kate: No, I don’t want sushi tonight for dinner.
Me: Why? I thought you love that place!
Kate: I do. But I eat too much of it because it’s so good then my tummy hurts. So I’m never eating there again.
Kate: Why do dogs have black lips?
Emma: Because it would look weird if dogs had pink lips, Kate.
Kate: Why are you wearing a Killin’ It shirt?
Emma: Yeah, mom! You don’t hunt with daddy and me!
Me: I’m wore it at the gym because I’m ‘killin it’ at the gym. You know, like, getting it done. Working out.
Kate: Oh. I thought you were going to say you killed someone at the gym.
I was on my computer and Kate was in the room, looking out the window, talking to herself.
Kate: Ugh. Boys. Get off my street.
Me: Did your teacher like your braided pigtails?
Kate: They’re called piglets.
Me: Girls, I might interview Eric Hosmer for the magazine!
Kate: Who’s that?
Me: Royals player. Here’s his picture.
Kate: Why don’t you interview daddy?
Emma: Kate. Daddy needs to become WAY more famous for mommy to interview daddy.
Me: KATE. You’re in so much trouble. Go to your room NOW!
Kate: Good thing I was walking there anyway.
Me: Ok, Kate! You can come out of your room now!
Kate: NO! NEVER!
Emma: Are Medusa and Bloody Mary sisters?
Me: Girls, please be quiet. I’m trying to take a nap. I didn’t sleep well last night.
Kate: Mom, I have to talk out loud when I’m writing my book. Been working on it for years.
Scott: You girls don’t know who Popeye is? He eats spinach and his muscles blow up big! (flexed his bicep)
Kate: You think spinach blows out his butt too?
It was the Royals home opener day. The girls were in school when the game started. The school must have been talking about the game.
Me: Hi girls! Hurry up, get in the car.
Emma and Kate: ROYALS!! TURN ON THE GAME, MOM!! RADIO! ROYALS GAME!
Kate: Knock it off, you little J SNAP. (snapped twice at me, in a J formation)
Me: Ugh. That turkey fan stinks so bad. Brett (our friend) needs to get that thing out of our garage.
Kate: Yeah! I’m going to tell Brett to take it back to Florida when he leaves.
Emma: Uh, you know, mommy will deliver it and just stay in Florida.
Scott: You girls are going to start doing chores to help your mom out. We will pay you if you do a few things around the house. Today, you can put away all your clothes.
(the girls put away their clothes)
Emma: I will keep a list of how much money you owe me.
Kate: (walked up to me with her hand out) CASH.
Me: Go put away your clothes. I’ll have money for you.
Kate: I have too much money from putting away my clothes too many times.
Kate: When will I get some boobs?
Me: I don’t know…like 12 or 13?
Kate: (held out fingers) 6…7…8…9…10…11….12. Yay!! Just 7 more years!
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kid: Can anyone break wire?
Kid: God can break through wire
Mom: Yep! God can do anything.
Kid: I know someone who is stronger than God.
Kid: God’s mom.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.