Men get epidurals too.

May 7, 2009.

I gave birth to a blonde-haired baby girl named Kate.

May 7, 2015.

Scott claimed he went to a place where only women have gone. It’s a place where the human body tortures and rips itself open in the highest severity of pain. It’s the 10 out of 10.

You guys, Scott experienced the pains of childbirth. 

scottfield
“My back hurts. It’s time.”

_______

Me: I NEED HELP! I NEED A STRETCHER FOR MY HUSBAND IN THE CAR.

Doctor: Ma’am. Is your husband injured?

Me: Yes. Yes, hurry. He can’t move.

Nurse: (pushing an empty wheelchair out the Emergency Department’s doors) Ma’am, how did you get him in the car if he can’t move?

Me: I had help. It took hours. And he won’t want that wheelchair. He needs to lay down.

Nurse: Ma’am this is all we have. He’ll have to use the wheelchair.

Scott: I can’t….I can’t…I need to lay down.

Nurse: Sir, what happened?

Scott: My back went out. I can’t move.

Nurse: We’ll make it work. I’ll call for back up. Ma’am, when we get him loaded, you can park your car over there.

_______

Nurse: Scott, what is your pain level right now?

Scott: It’s……hold…on. It’s high. 9. 10. 9-10. It’s when I move. The pain makes it…unbearable.

Nurse: Ok. What time did this happen?

Scott: About 9 am.

Nurse: You’ve been in this kind of pain for 7 hours?

Scott: Yes.

Nurse: (looks at me) You poor thing.

Scott: I thought…it…would get better.

Me: (mouth) Thank you.

Nurse: Ok, Scott. The doctor is coming in now.

Doctor: Hey, Scott. I see you were working at the farm when this happened?

Me: Ha!

Doctor: (looks at me) And your relation is….

Me: Oh. I’m his wife.

Doctor: And do you two live on a farm?

Me: (giggle) No. He was planting corn on the farm he leases. It’s to feed deer. He’s a pretend farmer. He hunts deer.

Doctor: Ok. So tell me, pretend farmer, what exactly happened when you got your injury?

Scott: I…bent. over. I bent over. To pick up something. It felt like….like, a lightening strike in my back. I fell. I can’t move when my…back spasms. When it stops spasming….I’m ok when I’m laying down.

Doctor: Ok, I’m going to touch in a couple spots. Can you feel me here?

Scott: Yes.

Doctor: This might hurt. Can you feel this?

Scott: OW OW! YES!

Doctor: What medicines have you taken so far?

Scott: (points at me) Well, she gave me some leftover oxicodone that expired in 2011. I took one about two hours ago. It didn’t help.

Me: (mouth drop)

Doctor: SHE did? Ok, I’m going to make you more comfortable with medicine and order a CT scan. We’ll see how you are after that.

_______

Me: SCOTT! I didn’t give you oxicodone! I gave you Emma’s leftover acetaminophen with codine cough syrup from 2011!

Scott: Did I say oxicodone?

Me: YES! Huge difference!

Scott: Oh, sorry.

Me: We should have called an ambulance. You’re lucky your concerned sister-in-law didn’t do it for you.

Scott: Jessica was going to call an ambulance?!

Me: Uh. Yeah.

Scott: I would have sent the bill to her.

Me: How’s your back now?

Scott: It’s like a 2. I’m ok once the spasming stops. When I’m flat on a bed.

Me: Christine says they’ll probably give you some really good drugs.

Scott: You already texted Christine?

Me: She’s a nurse, dude. Oh, she said if you’re in this much pain, she wants to see tears. Here. Will you pose with tears?

_______

Nurse: Ok. The doctor ordered 4 drugs for you. One is a muscle relaxer. And three are for pain. I’m going to give them to you by IV. Hold your arm out while I start the IV. These will cause you not to be able to operate a vehicle or sign any important documents.

Scott: Ok.

Nurse: Here we go. They might make you feel kinda funny at first. It’ll hit you then hopefully start working.

Scott: I’m really ok now that I’m on my back. I don’t feel any…. oh wow. You just rocked my world.

_______

Scott: You’re so beautiful.

Me: (giggle) HA! Nice drugs, there.

Scott: You are. You’re so pretty.

Me: Can I film you?

Scott: I really hope these food plots get us some monster deer.

Me: Tell me I’m pretty again.

Scott: I mean, all I did was bend over! It could have happened anywhere! I wasn’t lifting or anything. I’m so lucky this didn’t happen while driving my truck. I went paralyzed. I would have died.

Me: Well, you’re ok now. These drugs will help and the doctor will figure out what happened. Ugh, I hate this. I want to tell the doctors you have a high pain tolerance. And that your 6 is every man’s 9.

Scott: I’m telling you, when my back spasms like that…I’ve never felt any pain greater.

Me: I thought you said your surgery knee pain was a 10.

Scott: This is more than that. This is more than childbirth.

I dropped my phone in my lap.

Me: I’m sorry, what.

Scott: Childbirth. My whole body goes numb in pain. But this time, there’s no relief. It just keeps going until I lay down on my back. My body can’t relax. It’s, like, constant pain, unbearable. My whole body goes numb.

Me: ……..

Scott: Don’t look at me like that.

Me: Childbirth.

Scott: I’m telling you. It’s worse.

Me: How do you feel now?

Scott: I’m ok when I’m on my back. My body can relax.

Me: ………

Scott: I know I have a herniated disk. It’s nerve pain. Worst pain you can imagine.

Me: RING. OF. FIRE.

Scott: What?

Me: Nothing.

_______

Doctor: Well Scott, after looking at your CT scan, your spine is showing laxity. It’s basically loose ligaments. An MRI will tell us more. You can get a consult with an Ortho as an outpatient. We’ll send you home with some drugs. It looks like you are tolerating the pain better.

_______

Nurse: Ok, Scott. Can you move out of your bed and stand, slowly?

Scott tried to get up. He collapsed back into the bed. His back was spasming.

Scott: I…can’t. I can’t move….It’s spasming again. Feel how…tight my abs are.

Nurse: Ok, I can’t let you leave if you can’t move out of bed.

Scott: I. Can’t move.

Nurse: What’s the pain level?

Scott: 10….it’s 9-10. Worst pain. Unbearable.

Nurse: I’m going to give you one more dose of a pain meds. Let me get the doctor.

_______

Doctor: Hey, Scott. You’re staying with me tonight.

Me: WHAT?! He’s being admitted?

Doctor: Yep. We’ll get a room for him upstairs. I can’t let him go if he can’t walk out of the hospital.

Me: Oh no! Our daughter’s birthday is tomorrow!

Doctor: How old is she?

Me: She’ll be 6.

Doctor: Cool. Birthday cake at the hospital. We’re going to schedule an MRI for tonight. We’ll have results by morning.

Scott: Call my mom.

_______

Me: How did you sleep last night? Did they read the MRI yet? Kate had me bring you one of her stuffed animals with its back ripped open.

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Scott: What?

Me: She’s so funny.

Scott: The MRI was ok. The nurse thinks I have a herinated disk.

Me: Really? Did they say if you need surg – OH MY GOD, SCOTT. WHAT ARE YOU ON?

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Scott: It’s not even helping. I’m waiting on the doctor to make rounds.

Me: Hey. I was in pain, at a hospital, at this exact moment 6 years ago. My pain ended in an epidural.

Scott: Your pain ended with a beautiful baby girl. Your pain was natural. I just want to walk.

_______

Doctor: Scott, you are a candidate for an epidural.

Me: WHAT.

Doctor: You have a herniated disk. You will need to get a consult from Ortho. For now, our objective is to get you walking. Since you are not getting relief from these meds, I’m going to have the nurses wheel you down to the pain center. It’s inside the hospital.

Scott: An epidural? Like what SHE had?

Doctor: It’s not quite the same as a woman in labor. It’s a little different. You will be getting a steroid nerve block. But yes, same type of procedure in the back.

_______

Scott: I don’t know what all you women complain about with an epidural. That was nothing. I even got to watch a video of the needle going in. Kinda cool.

Me: No mother has complained about an epidural. The epidural is the relief. It’s the pain leading up to the epidural. And some moms don’t even get an epidural. You want to die but you want your child to live. But I wouldn’t have been able to tell you that 6 years ago because women can’t speak with that level of pain. I’m sure your pain is your 10. But it’s not that 10.

And you’re forgetting who I delivered. KATE.

Happy 6th birthday, Kate.
Happy birthday, Kate Audrey. You’re the best 6 year old to share cheesecake with in the hospital.

Scott’s epidural helped him through his level 10 pain. His pain has moved to about a 4 and tolerable. He will continue physical therapy until he is completely healed. He was released from the hospital with a greater appreciation for Mother’s Day.

I want to know – have any mothers experienced a pain greater than childbirth? Can anyone back Scott up? 

18 thoughts on “Men get epidurals too.

  1. I have a herniated disk and when it slips or pinches or whatever it is that they do, it is fucking unbearable. Scott’s sounds really bad. Either that or he’s just being a big baby for the attention or maybe for the drugs you’ve got him addicted to. I’ve sent correspondence to KS law enforcement, by the way, with respect to your feeding him expired drugs. Better safe than sorry with these domestic things. Lol. While the back spasms are awful, childbirth is right up there too. During one I missed a good chunk of an important Blues hockey game,and during another, I had to stop drinking beer so we could get to the hospital in time. Then, during the whole birth it’s all, “are you okay, mom? How are you doing, mom? Can we get you anything, mom?” HELLO!!! Dad here!! I have needs too! So yeah, painful.

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    1. Shit, I always forget you are a cop. Are you calling in the Feds? We didn’t have any Tylenol. It was my only option.
      Hahaha, cracking me up. This is why I didn’t have my babies during football season. My blood pressure would have been off the charts.
      But seriously, I’ve never seen Scott in that much pain. His pain tolerance is high. He went 24 hours with a broken hand before he finally agreed to go to a hospital. He hit the floor with his hand bc Ksu lost to Tx tech in 2004.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG! I’m STILL laughing!

    When I broke my neck in a car accident… that was on par with labour pain. Different kind of pain, but on par. I’ve heard that the only pain worse than labour is kidney stones. I hope I never get the chance to find out if that’s true.

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  3. Oh wow, what en eventful couple of days! Ouch! Glad the pain is being managed. The good thing is that we can’t take what Scott said about the pain being worse than childbirth seriously because he was not…himself at the time he said it. He was under the influence of his pain. I am SURE that if asked again, he would never say such things. 🙂

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