Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Kate: Are there people out there that like rats?

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I picked up the girls from school. They hopped in the car.

Kate: Ah! Feels so good to take off my jacket and shake my boo-tay. (shakes her butt in the seat)

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I brought the girls to the hospital to meet my new niece, June. We were walking through the hospital lobby.

Me: Are you excited to meet baby June?

Emma: YEAH!

Kate: And how many babies do you think daddy has?

Me: What? Two.

Kate: Are you sure?

_______________

I was putting on make up in front of the mirror. Kate slams open the door.

Me: AH! You scared me!

Kate: Thinking about me?

_______________

I was lost in a parking garage.

Me: Dangit. Where’s my freaking car?

Emma: Let me get out my Emma powers.

Kate: Let me use my whiskers.

_______________

Kate: I made a picture for you!

FullSizeRender

Me: I love it!

Kate: There’s Belle, Bailey in heaven. Daddy. You with boobies. Me with boobies. And Emma with boobies.

IMG_3529

_______________

Kate: So what time are you pulling me out of school?

Me: Huh?

Kate: You know.

Me: I’m not pulling you out of school today.

Kate: Dangit. That didn’t work.

_______________

I took the girls rock climbing. We wear a harness around our waist and legs. Kate and I landed on the ground at the same time.

Kate: You got the wedges too?

Me: What?

Kate: Butt wedges. Oh! Yeah, you do.

_______________

Me: Kate, do you want anything from Starbucks?

Kate: Frappaccino. And a cake pop.

Me: Uh, don’t think so.

Kate: Caramel frap and a pink one! Please!

_______________

Me: Emma, looks like your class is doing a little project for your teacher. I need to email this mom your answer –  what is your marriage advice? Go.

Emma: Well, I don’t really know because I’m not married. But I would say have fun and be happy.

_______________

Kate: UGH! I’m sad right now. Put on the “Happy” song.

_______________

I was driving in the car with the girls.

Kate: (makes gun noise)

Me: Did you just shoot something?

Kate: I saw a metal deer in that neighborhood.

_______________

Kate: How many more years until my birthday?

_______________

I have an app on my phone that plays nighttime noises to help kids sleep.

Kate: Can I listen to whales and the ocean tonight?

Me: What about crickets and frogs? That sounds like a summer night.

Kate: What the.

_______________

Scott’s parents were in town visiting. We went out to eat at a restaurant.

Nana (to girls): Wow! I haven’t been to this place since before your mommy and daddy got married!

Kate: HA! (points at me) You had a boyfriend! You had a boyfriend!

_______________

We woke up Easter Sunday. Kate walks in our room.

Kate: I know you’re the Easter bunny so don’t hide the eggs. Just give them to me.

Scott: You know Easter isn’t about the Easter bunny. It’s about Jesus coming back from heaven.

Kate: Oh, I would never do that. When I go to heaven, I’m just going to stay there and hang out with Bailey.

_______________

I was at Walmart with the girls. I pass some 20-something guy in the aisle.

Kate: (whistles the “Julio” whistle from Uptown Funk)

20-something: (turns his head and looks at me.)

Me: (Shake my head no.) KATE! Shhhh.

_______________

Me: Ok, Emma. Here’s a $20 bill for your book fair at school. You can spend $10. Give me $10 back so I can give it to Kate to use for her book fair day tomorrow.

Emma: Ok, got it.

I pick up Emma from school and she has a stack full of books in her arms. She can barely carry them all. She gets in the car.

Me: You got all those books? Where’s my change?

Emma: (hands me two quarters)

Me: 50 CENTS?!?! EMMA!

Emma: I’m really bad at math.

Kate: EMMA! That’s not fair!

_______________

Me: You stink.

Kate: Whatever, jalapeño.

_______________

Kate tickled me. So I tickled Kate back.

Kate: STOP! My tickle team powers are running low. I’m ticklish right now.

_______________

I was meeting Scott at Emma’s soccer practice. I had Kate with me in the car.

Me: Where did he go? I swear I just saw his truck pull in.

Kate: I saw his truck too.

Me: Where’s he at?

Kate: It’s the mystery of the day. Hmmmm.

_______________

I stopped then turned right at a red light when the traffic was clear.

Kate: Ha! Telling dad you went on a red light.

_______________

Kate: How do you spell ‘Do not enter unless you’re mad’?

_______________

Special Edition: Oh kids.

Coming home from Walmart in the car.

Son: Mommy?

Mom: Yes?

Son: Cowboys sure do like whiskey.

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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