Kate: Are there people out there that like rats?
I picked up the girls from school. They hopped in the car.
Kate: Ah! Feels so good to take off my jacket and shake my boo-tay. (shakes her butt in the seat)
I brought the girls to the hospital to meet my new niece, June. We were walking through the hospital lobby.
Me: Are you excited to meet baby June?
Kate: And how many babies do you think daddy has?
Me: What? Two.
Kate: Are you sure?
I was putting on make up in front of the mirror. Kate slams open the door.
Me: AH! You scared me!
Kate: Thinking about me?
I was lost in a parking garage.
Me: Dangit. Where’s my freaking car?
Emma: Let me get out my Emma powers.
Kate: Let me use my whiskers.
Kate: I made a picture for you!
Me: I love it!
Kate: There’s Belle, Bailey in heaven. Daddy. You with boobies. Me with boobies. And Emma with boobies.
Kate: So what time are you pulling me out of school?
Kate: You know.
Me: I’m not pulling you out of school today.
Kate: Dangit. That didn’t work.
I took the girls rock climbing. We wear a harness around our waist and legs. Kate and I landed on the ground at the same time.
Kate: You got the wedges too?
Kate: Butt wedges. Oh! Yeah, you do.
Me: Kate, do you want anything from Starbucks?
Kate: Frappaccino. And a cake pop.
Me: Uh, don’t think so.
Kate: Caramel frap and a pink one! Please!
Me: Emma, looks like your class is doing a little project for your teacher. I need to email this mom your answer – what is your marriage advice? Go.
Emma: Well, I don’t really know because I’m not married. But I would say have fun and be happy.
Kate: UGH! I’m sad right now. Put on the “Happy” song.
I was driving in the car with the girls.
Kate: (makes gun noise)
Me: Did you just shoot something?
Kate: I saw a metal deer in that neighborhood.
Kate: How many more years until my birthday?
I have an app on my phone that plays nighttime noises to help kids sleep.
Kate: Can I listen to whales and the ocean tonight?
Me: What about crickets and frogs? That sounds like a summer night.
Kate: What the.
Scott’s parents were in town visiting. We went out to eat at a restaurant.
Nana (to girls): Wow! I haven’t been to this place since before your mommy and daddy got married!
Kate: HA! (points at me) You had a boyfriend! You had a boyfriend!
We woke up Easter Sunday. Kate walks in our room.
Kate: I know you’re the Easter bunny so don’t hide the eggs. Just give them to me.
Scott: You know Easter isn’t about the Easter bunny. It’s about Jesus coming back from heaven.
Kate: Oh, I would never do that. When I go to heaven, I’m just going to stay there and hang out with Bailey.
I was at Walmart with the girls. I pass some 20-something guy in the aisle.
Kate: (whistles the “Julio” whistle from Uptown Funk)
20-something: (turns his head and looks at me.)
Me: (Shake my head no.) KATE! Shhhh.
Me: Ok, Emma. Here’s a $20 bill for your book fair at school. You can spend $10. Give me $10 back so I can give it to Kate to use for her book fair day tomorrow.
Emma: Ok, got it.
I pick up Emma from school and she has a stack full of books in her arms. She can barely carry them all. She gets in the car.
Me: You got all those books? Where’s my change?
Emma: (hands me two quarters)
Me: 50 CENTS?!?! EMMA!
Emma: I’m really bad at math.
Kate: EMMA! That’s not fair!
Me: You stink.
Kate: Whatever, jalapeño.
Kate tickled me. So I tickled Kate back.
Kate: STOP! My tickle team powers are running low. I’m ticklish right now.
I was meeting Scott at Emma’s soccer practice. I had Kate with me in the car.
Me: Where did he go? I swear I just saw his truck pull in.
Kate: I saw his truck too.
Me: Where’s he at?
Kate: It’s the mystery of the day. Hmmmm.
I stopped then turned right at a red light when the traffic was clear.
Kate: Ha! Telling dad you went on a red light.
Kate: How do you spell ‘Do not enter unless you’re mad’?
Special Edition: Oh kids.
Coming home from Walmart in the car.
Son: Cowboys sure do like whiskey.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.