Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. I write their quotes down in my phone as soon as they say it then put them together in a blog post. Emma is 8 and Kate is 5.

 

Kate: How do you spell I’m fed up with this place?

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Kate: I drew Bailey. (Our dog that passed away last fall)

Me: Aw, that’s cute. Draw her chasing a duck in the sky.

Kate: Ok, I need green and yellow. I got red too. Guess what the red is for?

Me: Duck feet? Duck tongue? I don’t know.

Kate: No. It’s the blood because Bailey killed the duck.

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Me: Do you want some corn with your noodles?

Kate: No. I don’t like corn.

Me: What? You love corn!

Kate: Yeah, well I don’t like looking at it in my poop.

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Me: You smell like outside.

Kate: You smell like dog lick.

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Scott: Kate, do you want to go turkey hunting with Emma and me?

Kate: Let me check my schedule when I get home.

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Kate: Can someone be the age 45?

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Emma: Where is the hole that babies come out?

Me: Uhhhh…the vagina.

Emma and Kate: (laughs)

Me:  Sometimes, in an emergency, a doctor will cut the lower stomach open and pull the baby out. That’s called a C-section.

Kate: Do doctors pull the baby out of the vagina?

Emma: Kate. The baby pushes the vagina open with its hands, of course!

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Me: Girls, put your pajamas on.

Emma: Are you taking us to see Aunt Jenna’s baby?

Me: She’s not born yet.

Kate: Be patient, Emma! Jesus is still making her.

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Kate: How do you spell UpTown Funk?

Me: U-P-

Kate: (laughs) You just said YOU PEE!!

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Kate: Where are your earrings?

Me: I took them out. I’ll put another pair back in later.

Kate: You better hurry before your ears suck back in.

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Me: Kate, go to bed.

Kate: Lay with me.

Me: Ok, but just for a little bit. Ok. Close your eyes.

Kate: I don’t want to go to sleep yet. Can I scratch your back for you?

Me: ……… fine. Stay awake for a little bit.

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Me: Kate, did you have a good first day at your new school?

Kate: No. It was bad.

Me: What? Your teacher said it was good. You made a lot of friends. She emailed me.

Kate: She’s lying.

Me: You’re lying.

Kate: It was terrifying.

Me: Where did you hear the word terrifying?

Kate: Emma.

Me: When did she say that?

Kate: Last month.

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The girls visited San Francisco to see family with their Nana. Scott and I stayed at home.

Kate: Mommy, are you mad that we’re going to the Golden Gate Bridge?

Emma: Of course she’s not mad! She’s mad we might see Uncle Jesse!

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Kate: Can I touch your boobs?

Me: NO! Get out of here!

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We were looking at houses. We pass some apartments.

Kate: What about those?

Me: That’s an apartment. Those are for people that want to rent.

Kate: What’s rent?

Me: Instead of buying a house, they rent. It’s just cheaper.

Kate: Well, then why don’t they just go to the bank to get more money?

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Kate: You think babies know it’s a full moon? You can’t really ask them because they don’t talk, right?

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Me: Girlfriend, you just spilled spaghetti sauce all over your white shirt.

Kate: At least it wasn’t permanent marker.

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Kate: Turn on the fireplace. It’s cold in here.

Emma: It’s spring, Kate. No one uses a fireplace in the spring.

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I found a tick crawling in Scott’s truck.

Me: SICK. They’re back! A tick!

Kate: Why do ticks stick on you?

Me: They suck your blood for food.

Kate: Don’t they know they have their own blood?

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Kate brought me a drawing she made.

Kate: This is papa in a dress. And this is daddy in a dress.

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Me: Emma, do you like these pants?

Emma: Uhhh..not really.

Me: Yeah, they look like a trash bag. Lets give them to Goodwill.

Kate: I like them. They look like a rockstar.

Me: (stare at her)

Kate: A boy rockstar.

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Kate: Do you feel asi asi today?

Me: Asi asi?

Kate: You know. Not good, not bad. It’s spanish.

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Kate: Is it past 11:11?

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Kate: Look at that short line at Taco Bell. I can smell those tacos.

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Kate took a Coke from the pantry.

Scott: She has a Coke. Do you want her having Coke?

Me: I don’t think she knows how to open a can.

Kate: (stares at us from the corner and opens the Coke. Drinks it. Walks off.)

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I was eating fried jalapeños.

Kate: Oh, you eatin’ the butt burners?

Me: Stop talking to your dad.

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Me: Try this new recipe I made. It’s just like Pei Wei noodles.

Kate: No.

Me: I would try it if I were you.

Kate: And I wouldn’t if I were you.

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I was eating candy in the car.

Emma: Mom. I’ve been watching you. Do you know that’s your 6th handful of candy?

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Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: Mommy, I got boobies.

Mom: No honey, those are called nipples.

Kid (screaming): I HAVE BOOBIES! THOSE ARE NOT NIPPLES! (meltdown) I HAVE BOOBIES!!! BOOBIES!

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Kids were playing with glitter and glue.

Dad: You are getting that shit all over.

Kid: What shit?

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Kid: Whenever I yawn, eye juice come out of my eyes.

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A mom and her daughter were walking out of a pizza place.

Kid: Mommy?

Mom: Yes?

Kid: You forgot something!

Mom: Oh no! What did I forget?

Kid: To hold my hand.

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Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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