Oh Emma, Oh Kate is a series of funny things my kids say. I write their quotes down in my phone as soon as they say it then put them together in a blog post. Emma is 8 and Kate is 5.
Kate: How do you spell I’m fed up with this place?
Kate: I drew Bailey. (Our dog that passed away last fall)
Me: Aw, that’s cute. Draw her chasing a duck in the sky.
Kate: Ok, I need green and yellow. I got red too. Guess what the red is for?
Me: Duck feet? Duck tongue? I don’t know.
Kate: No. It’s the blood because Bailey killed the duck.
Me: Do you want some corn with your noodles?
Kate: No. I don’t like corn.
Me: What? You love corn!
Kate: Yeah, well I don’t like looking at it in my poop.
Me: You smell like outside.
Kate: You smell like dog lick.
Scott: Kate, do you want to go turkey hunting with Emma and me?
Kate: Let me check my schedule when I get home.
Kate: Can someone be the age 45?
Emma: Where is the hole that babies come out?
Me: Uhhhh…the vagina.
Emma and Kate: (laughs)
Me: Sometimes, in an emergency, a doctor will cut the lower stomach open and pull the baby out. That’s called a C-section.
Kate: Do doctors pull the baby out of the vagina?
Emma: Kate. The baby pushes the vagina open with its hands, of course!
Me: Girls, put your pajamas on.
Emma: Are you taking us to see Aunt Jenna’s baby?
Me: She’s not born yet.
Kate: Be patient, Emma! Jesus is still making her.
Kate: How do you spell UpTown Funk?
Kate: (laughs) You just said YOU PEE!!
Kate: Where are your earrings?
Me: I took them out. I’ll put another pair back in later.
Kate: You better hurry before your ears suck back in.
Me: Kate, go to bed.
Kate: Lay with me.
Me: Ok, but just for a little bit. Ok. Close your eyes.
Kate: I don’t want to go to sleep yet. Can I scratch your back for you?
Me: ……… fine. Stay awake for a little bit.
Me: Kate, did you have a good first day at your new school?
Kate: No. It was bad.
Me: What? Your teacher said it was good. You made a lot of friends. She emailed me.
Kate: She’s lying.
Me: You’re lying.
Kate: It was terrifying.
Me: Where did you hear the word terrifying?
Me: When did she say that?
Kate: Last month.
The girls visited San Francisco to see family with their Nana. Scott and I stayed at home.
Kate: Mommy, are you mad that we’re going to the Golden Gate Bridge?
Emma: Of course she’s not mad! She’s mad we might see Uncle Jesse!
Kate: Can I touch your boobs?
Me: NO! Get out of here!
We were looking at houses. We pass some apartments.
Kate: What about those?
Me: That’s an apartment. Those are for people that want to rent.
Kate: What’s rent?
Me: Instead of buying a house, they rent. It’s just cheaper.
Kate: Well, then why don’t they just go to the bank to get more money?
Kate: You think babies know it’s a full moon? You can’t really ask them because they don’t talk, right?
Me: Girlfriend, you just spilled spaghetti sauce all over your white shirt.
Kate: At least it wasn’t permanent marker.
Kate: Turn on the fireplace. It’s cold in here.
Emma: It’s spring, Kate. No one uses a fireplace in the spring.
I found a tick crawling in Scott’s truck.
Me: SICK. They’re back! A tick!
Kate: Why do ticks stick on you?
Me: They suck your blood for food.
Kate: Don’t they know they have their own blood?
Kate brought me a drawing she made.
Kate: This is papa in a dress. And this is daddy in a dress.
Me: Emma, do you like these pants?
Emma: Uhhh..not really.
Me: Yeah, they look like a trash bag. Lets give them to Goodwill.
Kate: I like them. They look like a rockstar.
Me: (stare at her)
Kate: A boy rockstar.
Kate: Do you feel asi asi today?
Me: Asi asi?
Kate: You know. Not good, not bad. It’s spanish.
Kate: Is it past 11:11?
Kate: Look at that short line at Taco Bell. I can smell those tacos.
Kate took a Coke from the pantry.
Scott: She has a Coke. Do you want her having Coke?
Me: I don’t think she knows how to open a can.
Kate: (stares at us from the corner and opens the Coke. Drinks it. Walks off.)
I was eating fried jalapeños.
Kate: Oh, you eatin’ the butt burners?
Me: Stop talking to your dad.
Me: Try this new recipe I made. It’s just like Pei Wei noodles.
Me: I would try it if I were you.
Kate: And I wouldn’t if I were you.
I was eating candy in the car.
Emma: Mom. I’ve been watching you. Do you know that’s your 6th handful of candy?
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kid: Mommy, I got boobies.
Mom: No honey, those are called nipples.
Kid (screaming): I HAVE BOOBIES! THOSE ARE NOT NIPPLES! (meltdown) I HAVE BOOBIES!!! BOOBIES!
Kids were playing with glitter and glue.
Dad: You are getting that shit all over.
Kid: What shit?
Kid: Whenever I yawn, eye juice come out of my eyes.
A mom and her daughter were walking out of a pizza place.
Kid: You forgot something!
Mom: Oh no! What did I forget?
Kid: To hold my hand.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.