The soccer mom.

Me: Hi, my name is Julie. I’m Emma’s mom.

Soccer mom: Oh! Emma? In the green?

Me: Yeah, that’s her running with the ball there.

Soccer mom: Oh, are you the new ones? Oh, ok. Yeah, I saw you guys at the last game this weekend! Nice to finally meet you!

Me: Well, I’m glad you didn’t say you remembered us from the first game. Emma was the one that cried because we lost! We’re high drama. And which one is yours?

Soccer mom: Right there. Goalie.

Me: Aw, cute. Yeah, we’re new. We’re in the process of moving over to this side of town. The kids started school here today. I wanted to help Emma make friends so we put her in soccer. I’m so glad I did that. She has a few girls in her class.

Soccer mom: Yeah, this team is great. We played soccer here last fall. Sweet girls. And who is this little one?

Kate: ……

Me: Her name is Kate. She’s in kindergarten. She will be playing soccer too. They haven’t started yet.

Soccer mom: My little boy is in 1st grade, running over there. He just started too.

Scott sat down next to us. We watched the girls practice soccer drills.

Kate: Can I sit on your lap?

Me: Yeah but be careful. I did a leg workout yesterday. I’m sore.

Kate jumped on my legs.

Me: Ahhhhh! MY LEGS!

Kate: Sorry! (laughs)

Me: Watch Emma.

Kate looked up at my face.

Kate: WHY YOU HAVE NOSE HAIR?

Me: Shhh!

Kate put her finger up my nose. I smacked it down and shot fire out of my eyes.

Kate: WHAT’S NOSE HAIR FOR?

Me: Don’t know. Shhhh.

Kate: CATCH BOOGERS?

Me: Probably. Everyone has nose hair.

Kate: YOU DON’T HAVE BOOGERS. DO I HAVE BOOGERS?

Me: No. Why do you talk so loud? Watch.

I smiled and rolled my eyes at soccer mom.

Kate: THEY HANGING OUT YOUR NOSE.

I rubbed my nose.

Me: Look up. Oh! Nose hairs too! Now stop it. You’re embarrassing me.

Kate: ARE MY NOSE HAIRS BIG AND BLACK? AND LONG? DO MY NOSE HAIRS HANG OUT MY NOSE?

Me: Get off my lap. NOW. Slow! Go slow. AHHHHH! DAMNIT! OW! MY LEGS!!!

I rubbed my nose again. The soccer mom slowly turned her back to us.

Me: SCOTT. TAKE HER.

Scott: What. What happened?

Me: KATE.

Scott: What’d she say?

Has your child embarrassed you in front of someone you just met? Does your child say things to embarrass you on purpose? Are you an introvert raising an extroverted child? I need nose clippers before game day. What is nose hair for anyway?


 

17 thoughts on “The soccer mom.

  1. I can’t say my kids said anything on purpose. But – in one of my not-so-proud moments as a dad, I got frustrated by a bad day with my then 18 month old twins. Under my breath, as I walked to get a change of diapers, I dropped the f bomb under my breath. Well, it wasn’t as under my breath as I had thought, because one of my twins was lurking nearby and heard me. I was truly amazed at the speed that he learned this new word, and also at how perfect his pronunciation was of this word. My wife wasn’t pleased…

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  2. I believe the hairs helpt to filter some of the bad things that would otherwise enter your body so readily and do you harm. I could be wrong though. As the soccer coach, I’ve often wondered what it was that the soccer moms are over on the sidelines carrying on about. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I hoped it was more exciting than kids and boogers, but the glimpse into that world here was fascinating. And my kids embarass me everytime they open their mouths. Well, they would, if I knew how to be embarassed.

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    1. Soccer moms – just kid chit chat, nose hair, weather. We were bummed Saturday’s forecast changed from a rain drop to a snow flake. Hoping soccer game gets cancelled! Burrrr!!
      Scott was right there and never paid attention to our convo. Men.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ha! No. I did make fun of our coach (in my head) for wearing a Kentucky sweatshirt. I don’t want to scare people away with my sports betting mouth. And nose hair. Jesus.

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  3. Oh, man, mama. We are three introverts here with the youngest being an extrovert like she came from another planet. Sigh. Here’s how my 4th grader embarrassed me when we had my step-mom over for dinner last month: She came down with lingerie out of my closet to the dinner table (!!) and said, “Mom, what’s this? Why don’t I see you where this? Can I have it?” I snatched it from her and shoved it under the table and told her to stay out of my closet and now wasn’t the time. So, naturally, seeing that it got my feathers ruffled, she kept bringing it up. Absolutely wanted to kill her. MORTIFIED!!!

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    1. Hahaha!! this is exactly my excuse for not sleeping in lingerie. I’ll wear it but won’t sleep in it. I don’t want the girls to see it bc they’ll want to wear it!! That is SO FUNNY. I shouldn’t have read this when I have to go to the bathroom. Ahh! Lol

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