Me: Hi, my name is Julie. I’m Emma’s mom.
Soccer mom: Oh! Emma? In the green?
Me: Yeah, that’s her running with the ball there.
Soccer mom: Oh, are you the new ones? Oh, ok. Yeah, I saw you guys at the last game this weekend! Nice to finally meet you!
Me: Well, I’m glad you didn’t say you remembered us from the first game. Emma was the one that cried because we lost! We’re high drama. And which one is yours?
Soccer mom: Right there. Goalie.
Me: Aw, cute. Yeah, we’re new. We’re in the process of moving over to this side of town. The kids started school here today. I wanted to help Emma make friends so we put her in soccer. I’m so glad I did that. She has a few girls in her class.
Soccer mom: Yeah, this team is great. We played soccer here last fall. Sweet girls. And who is this little one?
Me: Her name is Kate. She’s in kindergarten. She will be playing soccer too. They haven’t started yet.
Soccer mom: My little boy is in 1st grade, running over there. He just started too.
Scott sat down next to us. We watched the girls practice soccer drills.
Kate: Can I sit on your lap?
Me: Yeah but be careful. I did a leg workout yesterday. I’m sore.
Kate jumped on my legs.
Me: Ahhhhh! MY LEGS!
Kate: Sorry! (laughs)
Me: Watch Emma.
Kate looked up at my face.
Kate: WHY YOU HAVE NOSE HAIR?
Kate put her finger up my nose. I smacked it down and shot fire out of my eyes.
Kate: WHAT’S NOSE HAIR FOR?
Me: Don’t know. Shhhh.
Kate: CATCH BOOGERS?
Me: Probably. Everyone has nose hair.
Kate: YOU DON’T HAVE BOOGERS. DO I HAVE BOOGERS?
Me: No. Why do you talk so loud? Watch.
I smiled and rolled my eyes at soccer mom.
Kate: THEY HANGING OUT YOUR NOSE.
I rubbed my nose.
Me: Look up. Oh! Nose hairs too! Now stop it. You’re embarrassing me.
Kate: ARE MY NOSE HAIRS BIG AND BLACK? AND LONG? DO MY NOSE HAIRS HANG OUT MY NOSE?
Me: Get off my lap. NOW. Slow! Go slow. AHHHHH! DAMNIT! OW! MY LEGS!!!
I rubbed my nose again. The soccer mom slowly turned her back to us.
Me: SCOTT. TAKE HER.
Scott: What. What happened?
Scott: What’d she say?
Has your child embarrassed you in front of someone you just met? Does your child say things to embarrass you on purpose? Are you an introvert raising an extroverted child? I need nose clippers before game day. What is nose hair for anyway?