Lies I told myself before kids:
1. I want a houseful of kids. I’ll keep popping miniature humans out until I have at least 12 of ’em. Birth control becomes your best friend after the delivery of your first child. Kicking legs over and saying, “no, get that thing away from me. I’ll get pregnant looking at it” comes after the delivery of the second.
2. Geez, when I have kids, my house will be picked up when company comes over. There’s no point in picking up anything until the kids go off to college.
3. I’ll be the hip mom wearing cut midriff tops with my teenage daughter and it will be adorable. No.
4. I will never lie to my kids about Santa. I’ll tell them the truth to avoid the big disappointment around age 12. Or 17. “Santa brought you an American Girl doll for Christmas? That’s so crazy that you told Santa that and never mentioned it to your dad and me. He must have pulled off a miracle considering we’re celebrating in Wichita and the closest American Girl doll store is three hours away!”**
**You found some lady that sold American Girl dolls from her doll – possibly drug – ring out of her basement in Wichita. Your brother-in-law went with you to make sure you were not murdered two days before Christmas. For the $300 that you paid for the dolls, they should really include a free bag of cocaine.
5. My kids will be best dressed in school. I can’t wait to dress them up like dolls. Your kids look homeless.
6. As soon as I deliver a baby, I’m marching my butt straight to the gym. Have fun with those rock hard double D boobs exploding with milk. Maybe they’ll think it’s sweat. Oh, you just got paged – baby is hungry! I said THE BABY IS HUNGRY. Wake up. (clap) Open your eyes.
7. We’re doing this parenting thing together. My husband will be a hands-on dad. Watching your husband sleep through the night for weeks will be the true test on how much you love him. It’s 3 am. Take his duck decoys, bow and arrows and tree stand off Craigslist before he wakes up. The life of a mother is not always fair.
8. I will be sure to stay in close contact with all my friends after I have kids. What was that girl’s last name that went to my Bachelorette party? When did I even meet her? Did we go to high school together?
9. How cute! I have like two grey hairs at age 18. Ha! Don’t look at the top of my head! Like, so embarrassing! You have 1,015 by the age of 33. They never stop multiplying. The kids did it. You’re crossing your fingers in hopes that some hip chick in Los Angeles or New York starts a grey hair highlights trend.
10. I want to have all girls so my house doesn’t get destroyed. There might be some truth to that statement but the payoff to a non-destroyed house is dealing with the she-devils coming home from the crypt, I mean school. I mean angels.
11. Kids can’t be that much harder than a puppy. Uh, you can lock your dog in a cage while you’re gone.
12. I’ll make sure I always have a hot date night set up with the husband. “And would you like to take a look at our wine menu this evening?” Text message from mom: Kate screaming for her mommy. She hit her head. Lots of blood. When are you coming home?
12. When I have kids, I’m just going to save the sanity of the people on the plane and drive the kids to all of our family vacations. You shut your mouth, kidless me drinking a jack and coke. I will challenge you to a glare-down at 35,000 feet. I don’t even hear a screaming kid.
13. Dressing up on Halloween with the kids, running through sprinklers and catching lightening bugs in the summer and watching The Little Mermaid will be the best part of parenthood. Yeah, that’s not a lie.
Did you tell yourself the same lies as I did? Did you think parenting would be everything you thought it would be? What is the hardest part of parenting? Do you think it was rude of me to put Scott’s hunting stuff on Craigslist? I was hormonal and sleep deprived. Nothing was sold.