Kate: How do you spell “I farted.”
Kate: Did you ever play the drums when you were little?
Me: No, not really.
Kate: Oh. Me either.
We were watching Christmas Vacation. The swimming pool scene was on where the hot chick flings off her swimsuit then starts to rise up out of water.
Kate: Uh, daddy?
Kate: Is that girl getting out the pool naked?
Scott: …….yes. Yes, she is, Kate.
Scott’s cousin, Catt, was putting Emma’s hair up.
Catt: Julie! I did Emma’s hair and I told her she looks 17 and all the boys will fall in love with her.
Kate: What? I want mine done too!
I was cutting jalapeños for my sandwich.
Kate: Uh, you shouldn’t eat those.
Me: Why not?
Kate: You know.
Me: No, why can’t I eat them?
Kate: It makes your butt hurt.
I was laying down with Kate before she went to sleep.
Kate: Scratch my back.
Me: That’s daddy’s job.
Kate: Now it’s your job.
Scott: Emma! You have chocolate all over your face. Go wipe that off.
Emma: Daddy! You have hair growing out of your face. Go shave.
Kate: Why do you have hair on your butt?
Me: Kate! Stop using my nice pens. You have markers and crayons upstairs to use.
Kate: It’s called sharing and being on the nice list.
We were at a friend’s house for New Year’s Eve. The adults were in the kitchen and the kids were playing upstairs. Kate comes running up to me.
Kate: Mommy! We saw Colton’s thing.
Me: What do you mean?
Kate: He walked out of the bathroom with no pants on.
Me: Oh, you saw his underwear?
Kate: No underwear.
Me: You saw his penis?
Kate: (stares at floor)
Me: Hey Emma!
Me: Did you and Kate see Colton’s penis?
Emma: (shrugs) Yeah, he walked out of the bathroom naked (giggles)
Emma: Mom! Kate rubbed a comb in her butt then gave it to me and told me to brush my hair. I did and she told me what she did and now my hair smells like poop.
Me: (look at Kate)
Kate: (scrunches her nose, waves like she smells something that stinks)
Kate singing at the grocery store.
Kate: “If you’re sad and you know it, stomp your foot!” (stomp, stomp) …. “If you’re mad and you know it, blow your nose!” (blows out her nose twice and snot goes everywhere)
Kate: Did you know dogs sniff other dogs butts to say hi?
Kate had a sleep study done at Children’s Mercy. The next morning, I had to wash the cement the nurses put in her hair to keep the wires on her head. I started the bath water.
Kate: Don’t forget to add soap. The nurse said the soap will help to get this stuff off my head.
Me: I’ll add soap.
Kate: Good thing daddy isn’t here. He just throws us in a tub of water. He never puts soap in or washes our hair.
Driving in the car.
Kate: That guy is smoking in his car.
Me: Yeah, that’s not good.
Kate: Smoking in your car?
Me: Well, smoking at all.
Kate: Why do people smoke?
Me: They start smoking then they get addicted and they can’t stop. So never start smoking.
Kate: Oh. Good thing girls don’t smoke, right mom?
Emma and Kate were fighting.
Me: Kate! Knock it off!
Kate: You knock it off! (snaps) And that was a “J” snap for Julie.
We took the girls to IHop.
Kate: I need more dip.
Scott: (pours syrup on her plate)
Kate: Bacon dip (dips bacon into the syrup)
We were driving and we happened to pass Scott’s old high school.
Scott: Girls! That’s where I went to high school!
Kate: Is that where you went when you were late coming home and Papa was sitting in the garage waiting for you and then he yelled at you?
I was painting our basement in my pajamas. I had Christmas pj pants on and an old t-shirt. Kate comes down.
Kate: Ha! Get those pants off! It’s not Christmas anymore!
I was putting my bra on when Kate walks in my bathroom.
Kate: (staring at my boobs)
Me: Stop it. What are you doing?
Kate: When am I gunna get some of those? I have baby ones.
Kate asked for a game on my phone. I added it.
Kate: Don’t worry. I saw your password but I won’t remember it for later.
Scott was helping Kate with her homework.
Scott: 9 birds are in the bird feeder. One bird flew away. How many birds are left in the feeder?
Kate: Let’s see…9…MINUS MUSTACHE! (holds finger across upper lip)…1 is 8.
I took the girls to Target. We walked in the automatic doors. Emma and Kate waved their arms as if they moved the doors open themselves.
Kate: LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
Still at Target.
Me: Girls, I’ll be looking at these swimsuits over here. You can pick out one toy from the dollar section. I can still see you, I’ll be right here.
Emma: Ok, come on Kate.
A few minutes pass. I look up to see how girls are doing. Kate walks by and continues walking further away, down the main aisle.
Me: HEY! What are you doing? Come back here!
Kate: Dollar section is not good. I saw some Hello Kitty makeup at the other end of the store.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kid: Mom! Look! Look at me mom! Mooooom! Loooook at meeeeee!
Mom: I’m driving, kid! I do NOT have eyes on the back of my head!
Kid: WHAT?! What happened to them?
Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.