Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Kate: How do you spell “I farted.”

__________

Kate: Did you ever play the drums when you were little?

Me: No, not really.

Kate: Oh. Me either.

__________

We were watching Christmas Vacation. The swimming pool scene was on where the hot chick flings off her swimsuit then starts to rise up out of water.

Kate: Uh, daddy?

Scott: Yeah.

Kate: Is that girl getting out the pool naked?

Scott: …….yes. Yes, she is, Kate.

__________

Scott’s cousin, Catt, was putting Emma’s hair up.

Catt: Julie! I did Emma’s hair and I told her she looks 17 and all the boys will fall in love with her.

Kate: What? I want mine done too!

__________

I was cutting jalapeños for my sandwich.

Kate: Uh, you shouldn’t eat those.

Me: Why not?

Kate: You know.

Me: No, why can’t I eat them?

Kate: It makes your butt hurt.

__________

I was laying down with Kate before she went to sleep.

Kate: Scratch my back.

Me: That’s daddy’s job.

Kate: Now it’s your job.

__________

Scott: Emma! You have chocolate all over your face. Go wipe that off.

Emma: Daddy! You have hair growing out of your face. Go shave.

__________

Kate: Why do you have hair on your butt?

__________

Me: Kate! Stop using my nice pens. You have markers and crayons upstairs to use.

Kate: It’s called sharing and being on the nice list.

__________

We were at a friend’s house for New Year’s Eve. The adults were in the kitchen and the kids were playing upstairs. Kate comes running up to me.

Kate: Mommy! We saw Colton’s thing.

Me: What do you mean?

Kate: He walked out of the bathroom with no pants on.

Me: Oh, you saw his underwear?

Kate: No underwear.

Me: You saw his penis?

Kate: (stares at floor)

Me: Hey Emma!

Emma: Yeah.

Me: Did you and Kate see Colton’s penis?

Emma: (shrugs) Yeah, he walked out of the bathroom naked (giggles)

__________

Emma: Mom! Kate rubbed a comb in her butt then gave it to me and told me to brush my hair. I did and she told me what she did and now my hair smells like poop.

Me: (look at Kate)

Kate: (scrunches her nose, waves like she smells something that stinks)

__________

Kate singing at the grocery store.

Kate: “If you’re sad and you know it, stomp your foot!” (stomp, stomp) …. “If you’re mad and you know it, blow your nose!” (blows out her nose twice and snot goes everywhere)

__________

Kate: Did you know dogs sniff other dogs butts to say hi?

__________

Kate had a sleep study done at Children’s Mercy. The next morning, I had to wash the cement the nurses put in her hair to keep the wires on her head. I started the bath water.

Kate: Don’t forget to add soap. The nurse said the soap will help to get this stuff off my head.

Me: I’ll add soap.

Kate: Good thing daddy isn’t here. He just throws us in a tub of water. He never puts soap in or washes our hair.

__________

Driving in the car.

Kate: That guy is smoking in his car.

Me: Yeah, that’s not good.

Kate: Smoking in your car?

Me: Well, smoking at all.

Kate: Why do people smoke?

Me: They start smoking then they get addicted and they can’t stop. So never start smoking.

Kate: Oh. Good thing girls don’t smoke, right mom?

__________

Emma and Kate were fighting.

Me: Kate! Knock it off!

Kate: You knock it off! (snaps) And that was a “J” snap for Julie.

__________

We took the girls to IHop.

Kate: I need more dip.

Me: Huh?

Scott: (pours syrup on her plate)

Kate: Bacon dip (dips bacon into the syrup)

__________

We were driving and we happened to pass Scott’s old high school.

Scott: Girls! That’s where I went to high school!

Kate: Is that where you went when you were late coming home and Papa was sitting in the garage waiting for you and then he yelled at you?

Scott: ……yes.

__________

I was painting our basement in my pajamas. I had Christmas pj pants on and an old t-shirt. Kate comes down.

Kate: Ha! Get those pants off! It’s not Christmas anymore!

__________

I was putting my bra on when Kate walks in my bathroom.

Kate: (staring at my boobs)

Me: Stop it. What are you doing?

Kate: When am I gunna get some of those? I have baby ones.

__________

Kate asked for a game on my phone. I added it.

Kate: Don’t worry. I saw your password but I won’t remember it for later.

__________

Scott was helping Kate with her homework.

Scott: 9 birds are in the bird feeder. One bird flew away. How many birds are left in the feeder?

Kate: Let’s see…9…MINUS MUSTACHE! (holds finger across upper lip)…1 is 8.

__________

I took the girls to Target. We walked in the automatic doors. Emma and Kate waved their arms as if they moved the doors open themselves.

Kate: LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

__________

Still at Target.

Me: Girls, I’ll be looking at these swimsuits over here. You can pick out one toy from the dollar section. I can still see you, I’ll be right here.

Emma: Ok, come on Kate.

A few minutes pass. I look up to see how girls are doing. Kate walks by and continues walking further away, down the main aisle.

Me: HEY! What are you doing? Come back here!

Kate: Dollar section is not good. I saw some Hello Kitty makeup at the other end of the store.

__________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: Mom! Look! Look at me mom! Mooooom! Loooook at meeeeee!

Mom: I’m driving, kid! I do NOT have eyes on the back of my head!

Kid: WHAT?! What happened to them?

ohemmaohkate

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

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