I don’t believe in cold vacations.

Call me ignorant. Call me uneducated. Call me hard-headed. Call me what is that crazy-ass woman screaming about and who is Scott?

In four weeks, my crazy will be showing on top of a mountain.

Scott is taking me skiing in Keystone, Colorado. He will push me down a mountain and expect me to lean forward like I’m on some sort of suicide mission.

Scott’s current annoyance level with me is at a “fine, screw it. I’ll hire private lessons for you on the first day. I’m not dealing with this.” Whatever level that is.

We took the family to Dick’s Sporting Goods to get snow skiing gear.

Kate: I know how to spell dicks! D-I-C-K-S! Dicks.

Emma: Kate, you’re just copying the Dicks sign.

It was Scott’s last laugh.

I don’t know, the words just came spewing out of my mouth and now Scott isn’t talking to me anymore:

Scott, I’ve never seen a mountain. I went to Denver once but it was cloudy.

I told you. I don’t believe in cold vacations. All of my beliefs are traced back to my parents. Don’t blame me on how I was raised.

What do you expect? My mom is Mexican.

I was raised normal, Scott.

What happens if I don’t want to get off the ski lift? Can I ride back down?

What happens if I don’t want to go down once I’m pushed off the lift?

Can I ride on someone’s back and close my eyes?

Can you pull me on a sled and I’ll close my eyes?

All I’m saying is I’d much rather be three quarters naked on a boat.

Yeah, well fighting a 200 pound fish is a workout too.

How many layers of clothes? How is this even considered a vacation? Vacations are meant for as little clothing as possible.

I swear, if you take off with your friends and leave me on top of a mountain by myself, I will click off those skis and walk sideways down the mountain. I will find you and strangle you.

Given the choice of looking crazy or rolling down a mountain in a ball of snow, I’ll take crazy.

Oh, I can’t wear those ski pants. I’m only shopping for Burton apparel.

Yes, I plan on telling people that my last name is Burton so yes, people will know.

How is that embarrassing?

Hell no, I won’t try snowboarding! I’d rather walk sideways.

What are the ski stick thingies for? Is it a brake?

Why would I need zippers on my pockets? Oh, so you do take your phone with you when you ski. I don’t like that idea at all. I wouldn’t want my death put on YouTube.

I went skiing once in 5th grade on a hill in Kansas or maybe Missouri. It’s called Snow Creek. My friend’s parents took me with their family. All I remember is cold and where’s my mommy.

Is Keystone like the cheap-y economy style skiing resort? You know, like, the beer?

How am I acting like a child? Oh, worse than a child? Because I’m arguing about scenarios that haven’t even happened. That makes complete sense.

Avalanches are a real thing.

Frost bite is a real thing.

Mountain lions are a real thing.

Me getting my tongue stuck on the bar lift on purpose so I don’t have to go down a mountain is a real thing.

Uh, can totally see you sneaking off the side of the mountain to go shoot a mountain lion.

I’m not dumb. I’m just realistic.

Well, maybe I can hang with you and your friends on the double black diamond. You don’t know. Maybe I’ll be a natural.

Don’t tell me I’m not allowed on the double black diamond, Scott. You’re not my father.

Then send a helicopter.

Yeah, I’ve seen pictures of people smiling during their skiing trip. I feel sorry for them. They look cold. Teeth chattering makes a natural smile.

How is preferring warm weather being judgy?

So it’s going to be the exact same temperature as here? Great. I’m frozen.

No, I didn’t bring a coat. I don’t need it running in and out of a store.

Yes, I still want to go.

Why would you cancel it?

I promise, Scott. I won’t be the crazy wife.

 

Have you ever been snow skiing? Do you prefer skiing over a warm vacation? Has your spouse quit talking to you because of your hard-headedness? Am I the only person to never see a mountain? Any advice is welcome! I’ll listen to you, just not Scott.

snow

25 thoughts on “I don’t believe in cold vacations.

  1. Oh, my gosh, sister. I HATE SKIING. And my husband grew up in Alaska and worked ski patrol. We have never skied together. No way, no how. I hate the moments when the skis are actually pointing straight down for a second while you’re turning, and it’s like you’re going to just go nuts. And, yes, I have taken the skis off and walked down before. And the snow board. I was very pissed by the bottom. All that said, the bunny hill is always very nice and friendly – don’t be afraid to stick there if you’re scared. The important thing is that you have fun, right? There’s always snow shoeing or tubing, which are much more fun ;).

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    • What?? Oh no! I’m nervous!! I have agreed to the private lessons. I’m more likely to take instruction from a stranger. Why didn’t Scott tell me about tubing!! I can do that! I am excited to see mountains for the first time 🙂

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  2. I just adore your blog! I could totally see myself saying a lot of those things if my husband wanted to go on a skiing trip…but he’s not very athletic or outdoors-y. He does prefer the cold (yeah, he’s a freak) and I’m very much a hot weather girl. And I was skeptical of them at first since they’re so thin, but thermals are amazing!

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    • I know a few people that enjoy the cold, my husband being one of them. And he’s athletic and outdoorsy. It’s only natural I would get dragged into these things.
      Thermals, I’ll add it to my list. Thanks!
      And thank you for the sweet comment about the blog. I’m just happy people can relate to our family, even if it includes husband/wife bickerings.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Staley says:

    Snow . . . That’s a day off school not a vacation. I hear the hot tubs are great and if you try to ditch everyone you can hide out in the bar at the bottom of the mtn.

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  4. You just described me to a warm T!!! There is no reason for cold and winter. Zero. Nada. Nunca. I tried skiing once as a young girl and screamed for my Mami as well! 🙂 Whatever you do, do not see the movie,Force Majeure!!!! Not now, not ever! Okay?

    I will be in Puerto Rico for the month of February staying with my mom – thank the heavens above! 🙂

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    • No way!! Lucky!! Think of me with my teeth chattering on a mountain. But I am going to Costa Rica in March to catch another marlin. Can’t keep me away from the ocean!! Have fun with your mom!!

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  5. I LOVE Colorado! In the summer….seriously the last time I went skiing there I was in like 5th grade; I got sick; and I didn’t get off the chairlift when I should have and had to jump off. Looking back now, I probably shouldn’t have done that. I also went to Snowcreek once and I’m pretty sure I broke my thumb after falling. I’m with you on warm vacations only! I’d just pony up to a bar all day if I were you!

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  6. “Snow skiing” = sure sign that you’re a warm weather fan, otherwise it would just say “skiing.”

    Vacations mean booze & beaches. End of story. Sorry Scott!

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  7. Laugh out loud funny! We had a similar conversation at our house. I am a skier, but we already live in the coldest place in the whole world, and a “winter” vacation just seems like piling on. Where’s the beach?

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  8. I was born and raised in Colorado. I pronounce it “kah-luh-RA-doh,” like the natives. I love the Broncos and the Rockies. I like the Nuggets and the Avs.

    But … I HATE skiing. I think it’s the dumbest thing ever. And I also love Julie Mancuso. But, I hate skiing. I’ll be at the lodge, with a rum and coke.

    Jules – you have the right idea.

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    • I’m a Chiefs fan. Our friendship will never work out. Ha!
      I really thought when I wrote this post that I would be called a million names for being “against” skiing for vacation. Thank you for confirming I’m not the only one. We leave on the 19th…gettin’ nervous! I’m glad I have a whiskey, coke and hot tub as my backup vacation plan.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, it will become a problem only when the Chiefs become competitive. We’re good for now 😉

        Doesn’t this all make you wonder why we haven’t invented the cold-weather vacation that starts and stops with whiskey, coke, and a hot tub?

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