- Crown Royal Apple whiskey.
- Absolut Vodka and Bloody Mary mix.
- A Starbucks giftcard.
- An Olive Garden giftcard with toilet seat covers in a mug.
- A hard hat that holds two beers.
- A Zulu Mcedo – in english: a penis tip cover.
It was from Africa.
The White Elephants were good to Scott and me this 2014 Christmas season. I’m going to call that last one our African Elephant.
It’s a penis tip cover to prevent chaffing in African wear.
Sometimes the small packages are not gift cards. Sometimes the small packages are made for small packages. If you touch the small package and your friends fall over in hysterics while trying to sputter out, “it was from Africa…”
Drop it. Tell them you forgot the rules. Do not pick small packages from Africa.
I mean, Scott is white. But he’s not that white. This thing fits on my finger tip.
I could end this blog post right here. It would be known as the blog post that proves our friends’ check-on bags from South Africa trumps any Amazon white elephant purchase. No ebola here! Just a penis tip cover. Nothing for kids to see.
Oh, the kids saw. Scott left this thing on the kitchen table for the kids’ viewing pleasure as they crunched on their Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Emma: Mommy, what’s this?
I spilled coffee on my shirt.
Me: Nothing. Your dad’s gift from last night.
Emma: What is it?
Me: I don’t even really know.
Emma: Maybe it’s a hat.
Kate: Let me see it.
Why isn’t my life filmed.
Me: Let me have it. I think it was a joke.
Kate: I think it goes on my nose.
Me: Hey, let’s not do that. Pretty sure all our neighbor friends had their hands all over that thing last night. Maybe their tongues. I don’t know what really went on.
Kate: It kinda stinks.
Me: I’ll take it. Thank you. It was from Africa. Sit here and eat. I’m going to take this back to daddy.
Me: SCOTT. You left this thing out! The kids are playing with it!
Scott: What did they say about the picture?
Me: Huh? Nothing. It’s just another naked female body to them. They see me naked all the time. It’s the penis tip cover! Scott, get it out of here!
Scott: Really? They didn’t say anything about the picture?
Me: No. They glanced at the picture. It’s really not any different than how you and I dress around the house. They want to know what this PENIS TIP COVER IS!! Should we throw it away?
Scott: No way! It’s my new poker chip piece. I’ll hide it.
It was from Africa.
Did you go to any White Elephant gift exchanges? What did you get? Did you get anything from Africa? Do you think the Zulu Mcedo will expand in water? It’s made out of banana leaves. Maybe we’re doing something wrong.