Kate: It’s not good to cough and fart.
Emma: Why did you write “from the Scott Burtons?”
Me: Because there will be 4 Burton families at the Burton Christmas. I can’t write from “the Burtons.”
Kate: But we’re the real Burtons, right mom?
We were getting ready to go to a neighborhood white elephant gift exchange.
Kate: Don’t forget the elephant.
Kate: Teach me how to snap.
Me: Ok. Hold your fingers like this and snap down. Make your fingers hit the fatty part of your palm. Like this.
Kate: (tries to snap)
Me: It takes practice. You’ll get it. (I walk off and come back into the room, 15 minutes later.)
Kate: (sitting in the corner, with her hand in front of her face, perfecting her snap.)
Me: Have you been snapping this whole time?
Kate: I want it louder.
Me: Kate, what do you want for Christmas?
Kate: I was thinking something about a playground for the backyard but that’s probably expensive.
Me: What about clothes?
Kate: That’s boring.
Me: Do you want to go naked?
Kate: (stares at me and snaps in my face)
I took the girls to a cupcake shop.
Me: Ok girls, pick out a cupcake. Oh, this gingersnap cupcake looks good.
Kate: I want that. The gingersnap. (snaps in the air 3 times)
I was in the car with Kate.
Kate: How do you make the car stop?
Me: There’s a brake at my foot. There’s two pedals down here. One to go and one to stop.
Kate: So whats that stick you move?
Me: Oh, that’s where I put what gear it needs to be in. P means park. D means drive, or go. R means reverse. And N means neutral, like if someone had to push my car. See these letters here?
Kate: Didn’t they teach you to keep your eyes on the road for safety?
Emma: We know what you’re getting for Christmas.
Me: Tell me.
Me: I’ll get you to crack. Give me a hint.
Emma: No hints.
Kate: Well, I’m getting you a cat so I can have a cat.
Kate: Daddy, what’s your favorite state?
Kate: Mine is K-State.
Me: Did you make cookies with Lane and his mom today?
Kate: Yes. We went to the store and bought the ingredients.
Me: Did you eat the dough?
Me: Are you lying?
Kate: I don’t know.
Emma was angry about something.
Kate: Remember our yoga class, Emma? Breathe in (inhales) and breathe out (exhales) when you’re mad.
Emma: Stop the yoga talk, Kate.
Me: Kate, what do you want to drink?
Kate: You know. (snap snap snap)
Emma: Dad! Mommy said come downstairs pronto!
Kate: What does pronto mean in English?
I took Kate to get a haircut. She doesn’t like her hair cut because she doesn’t like attention on herself.
Kate: (in seat) Don’t look at me.
Me: Oh ok. (I face the other direction. I sneak a peak at her)
Kate: (staring at me. Shakes her finger at me and snaps)
Kate got in trouble.
Me: Go to your room.
Kate: (runs to her room) AND THANKS FOR TEACHING ME HOW TO SNAP! (snap snap. Slams the door.)
Me: Do you snap at school?
Kate: Yes. (snap snap)
Me: Stop snapping. It’s rude.
Kate: (holds her hand up, with fingers curved, ready to snap.)
Me: You snap at me one more time, you will go to your room.
Kate: (snap snap snap)
Me: Go to your room.
Kate: (runs upstairs. Snaps at top. Door slam)
Scott took Emma out deer hunting. Emma got what is called “buck fever” – where she couldn’t pull the trigger on a big buck because of her nerves. Emma came home upset she couldn’t pull the trigger.
Scott: Well, maybe you weren’t supposed to shoot that buck because Jesus didn’t want you to shoot it.
Emma: But I did want to shoot it. Jesus didn’t listen to my prayers!
This was before our dog, Bailey, passed away.
Me: Hey, Kate. Watch my breakfast. I need to run upstairs and get something. Make sure the dogs don’t eat it.
(I run upstairs and come back down)
Me: Good job, Kate. The dogs didn’t touch my food!
Kate: Yeah, they did. Bailey ate it. I fried you a new egg sandwich while you were upstairs.
Me: Hurry up, Kate. Change your pants before I take Emma to school. You’re making us late.
Kate: Well, you shouldn’t have grown two babies then. (snap snap)
Kate: (walked in kitchen, laughing) Daddy is wearing pink today!
Scott walks in kitchen, not wearing pink.
Me: I thought you had on pink today.
Scott: She made fun of me too much so I changed.
Scott: What should we get mommy for her birthday?
Kate: Let’s talk about my birthday.
Me: Please stop kicking the counter, Kate.
Kate: Why? (continues to kick)
Me: Why do you think?
Kate: It’ll break.
Me: Yes, please stop.
Kate: I don’t know. It’s pretty hard. (kicks)
We were babysitting my niece, Gabby, for the weekend. I sent Emma to rub Gabby’s back to get her to take a nap. Emma walks downstairs.
Emma: I can’t get Gabby to go to sleep.
Kate: Did you try putting her in a closet?
Scott and I have a “race” when we drive home from the gym with the girls.
Me: Kate, get in my car. Emma is in daddy’s. Let’s go.
Kate: Ok, I’ll go with you but I’m pretending I’m in daddy’s car.
Kate: Did Emma cry when she got her ears pierced?
Me: Yeah, she cried a lot.
Kate: Did the whole mall hear her?
Kate: How do you spell bush?
I’m sorry. I laughed because I have a dirty mind.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kate had a friend over.
Friend: Can I use your bathroom?
Me: Sure! Turn down that hall.
Friend: KATE! Come to the bathroom with me so I can talk to you!
Friend: Hey, Julie Burton?
Me: You can call me Julie.
Friend: No, everyone calls you Julie Burton and I like the sound of that better.
I was watching two kids from Kate’s class one morning.
Friend 1: Why do you always sit by Kate?
Friend 2: Because everyone wants to sit by me.
I was driving my niece in the car. I heard a fart noise from her mouth.
Me: What was that?
Gabby: (fart noise) Not me!
Me: Where did you learn that?
Gabby: Your turn!
Kid: Mommy, will you cheer for me in the stands when I’m older?
Mom: Cheer for you? What will you be doing?
Kid: When I’m a bull rider, mommy.
Mom: I will cheer for you, son.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: email@example.com
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.