Oh, to be the fly on the wall.
I knew at a young age it is mandatory to hug Grandma when I arrive at her house for the family Christmas. I learned to finish my plate before throwing it away and always offer to help clean up. I also learned never listen to what my dirty uncle has to say and cover my eyes when my aunt starts taking her top off.
The fly on the wall has been laughing at my dad’s side of the family for over 33 Christmases.
For those that are new to my blog, please know I don’t write profanity. It’s just not my style. I like to find other words to describe how I’m feeling.
Please close the tab now if you like to keep it that way.
Merry Christmas and peace be with you.
Ah, you stayed. Welcome.
Let’s all admit the original Christmas Vacation is a hell of a lot better than the TBS edited version. Admit it.
I told you.
There are exceptions when it comes to profanity, God dammit. And holiday bullshit with the family is one of them.
Raise your glass, motherfuckers. I hope it’s filled with a hard liquor of your choice – to what the fly on the wall heard at Grandma’s House, Christmas 2014:
- Did you bring beer? — Yeah, I brought whiskey. — It’s fuckin’ bullshit that Grandma made it BYOB this year.
- Who’s drink are you making? — Grandma’s. Just a splash of vodka will be fine.
- I don’t know what to tell you. My daughter is normal around every other family except this one.
- You missed it! Someone said “don’t touch my dick!”
- This baby likes beer. — No, she doesn’t. — Yeah, she does. I have pictures.
- Did you remember to talk to Grandma when you got here? — Yes, mom. We had a big dialogue about the spirit of Christmas and what it means to each of us.
- Shhhh, Grandma’s saying the blessing! Hey let’s make an over/under bet again. Grandma will start crying in 20 seconds. Who’s in?
- Is someone filming this?
- (unison) In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. — Is this a song?
- Hey, get your ass away from Grandma, you suck up. You’re not in the family yet.
- Well, at least she knows a good weiner when she sees one.
- Sweet hubby of mine, will you get me an ice water? — You do know that people in hell want ice water. — What? — You guys, that’s how you handle a wife.
- Did she burn the macaroni this year? — That’s bullshit. I didn’t burn the macaroni.
- Look at all these babies in this room! This family has a lot of unprotected sex.
- Look! That baby is trying to escape the family by climbing up the stairs.
- I lift weights and the only thing that hurts is when I move my arm like this. — And your dick. — I have to raise it really hard and fast so my arm doesn’t get stuck and hurt. — And your dick. — My dick is fine, you dickhead.
- Let me explain something here. This guy is not blood-related. There’s no blood here. Don’t listen to his ass.
- Look! Grandma is smiling with her arms around the two lesbians. — Good for her. There ain’t any men her age around anymore.
- Stop grabbing your brother’s dick!
- Kids! You have a 30 second time frame to say thank you to Grandma. You open, you say thank you, you sit down. Do you want to be here until midnight? Jesus. We’re going to be here until fucking midnight. How many damn kids are there?
- Aw, she got a blue KU dress from Grandma! — It’s Royals blue, you asshole!
- Zach, go give Grandma a kiss. Ok, now give her some tongue.
- Your aunt is taking her shirt off again. — Oh, God. — Ha! Now your uncle is getting a chubby.
- Watch this. I’m going to throw this ball at your uncle’s head. You try! Aim for the bald spot.
- Oh, I know why she likes your beard. It’s a womb broom, man. Ha! Look at your old man covering his ears and screaming.
- Uggggghhh, hurry up! — What’s wrong? You just gotta drink more during these type of things. Haven’t you learned this by now?
- Grandma, we all went in on a gift for you. We talked to your audiologist. This device sits around your neck when you’re watching TV and it will amplify the sound for your hearing aids. So when you’re watching your Wheel of Fortune or I love Lucy. — PORN! — Or any sports games, just use this and you’ll be able to hear it better. — YOU’LL BE ABLE TO HEAR YOUR PORN, GRANDMA!
- Who just shit their pants? Wait until it’s quiet next time.
- Grandma has to take a shit. MOVE! MOVE NOW! MAKE A PATH!
- Well, someone needs to go help Grandma. She can’t wipe her ass on that toilet. There’s no handrail. She’s going to fall off. Someone needs to go in there.
- I’m sorry, I’m just not that comfortable coming out of the closet with Grandma.
- Oh, tell your kids to be careful when they wash their hands in the bathroom. The only water temperature is scalding hot.
- I think that sweatshirt has a collar.
- No! Wait, you can’t trade white elephant gifts! — Yes, we can! — Only one is dead. You can’t trade the other one right in front of us. — Ok, we’ll go trade in the driveway.
- Who’s kid am I holding?
- Her boobs are gunna be just like her mother’s, hanging to her knees.
- I like small boobs but I’m more of an ass girl. — I thought you were a box girl?
- Turn the TV off! — It’s so old, I don’t even know how.
- Every time I come back here, I feel like I went back in time.
- I need to flush my tampon but I’m worried about this old plumbing system.
- He’s going to come stay with me for a few days. — Oh, watch out. This is the aunt that made me take a bath with her when I was a kid.
Do you have a Griswold Family too? How do you celebrate Christmas with your extended family? Can anyone top my crazy family? Should I video tape the family Christmas next year?