I was watching the Royals play in the World Series with Emma and Kate.
Kate: Do we have a point yet?
Me: No. But we have a runner on 3rd base. See that dot right there? We need him to run to home. Then we will get a point.
Emma: Not like home home, Kate – like go have dinner and go to bed but home plate.
Kate: Who are we playing?
Me: Royals are playing the Giants. They’re from San Francisco.
Me: Who do you think your cousin, Ben, wants to win?
Me: You think? He lives in San Francisco.
Kate: Let’s take a vote. Who here wants the Royals to win?
(Emma and I raise our hands.)
Kate: Ben wants Royals to win.
I was making dinner. Kate walked through the kitchen without stopping.
Kate: It didn’t get plugged. Flushed two times.
Me: What will Aunt Jenna’s baby be?
Kate: A girl.
Me: How do you know that?
Kate: Because all we have is girls.
Emma: Mom, how do you spell I cup?
Emma and Kate: (laughing) I see you pee!
Kate: How do you spell IP.
Scott: Kate, stop the whining. Life is not that miserable.
Kate: Yes, it is.
Scott: You are just like your mother.
Me: That was rude, Scott.
Kate: Who does K-State play next week?
Scott: West Virginia.
Kate: Ha! Well, that’s a weird name! Sounds like vagina.
I was driving Emma to school one morning.
Kate: I saw Miss Heather’s mommy at school yesterday!
Me: You did? What did she do in your class?
Kate: She read us books.
Me: Cute! Did she say “hi kate”?
Kate: Keep driving, mom.
Me: Stop. The. Fighting. Stop it!
(girls continue to fight)
Me: Ok, calling your dad.
Kate: Oh yay! I love talking to daddy!
Emma: Kate. It’s not good when mommy says that.
Kate: Not good for you, Emma.
Me: Hey Emma, let’s make this craft this weekend.
Emma: What is it?
Me: It’s snowflakes out of popsicle sticks. Aren’t these cute?
Emma: Is this on Pinterest?
Emma: Do you ever add to Pinterest?
Me: What do you mean? Make pins?
Emma: No, do you make up a craft for others to try?
Me: Oh. Um, no.
Emma: You need to be a little more creative, mom. Do you want me to think of something? What about Elsa’s snow castle from popsicle sticks? We can add that one.
Kate: You stinker!
Me: Did you just call me a stinker?
Kate: You call me that.
Me: No, I don’t use the word stinker. I think your dad calls you that.
Kate: Ok, you butthead.
Kate: Oh. Em. Gee.
Me: Oh, em, gee. Really, Kate?
Kate: What the?
Scott was out of town. I was talking to him on the phone before I put the girls to bed.
Me: Do you want to talk to Kate? She’s still awake.
Me: Here, Kate. Tell daddy hi then it’s time to go to bed.
Kate: Ok. (holds phone to her ear) Girls rule and boys drool.
I poured another cup of coffee when Kate walked downstairs after waking up. She had a t-shirt and underwear on. As she walked by me, I noticed her underwear wedged up her butt.
Me: Uh, fix your underwear.
Kate: I’m pretending I’m you today.
I was in Emma’s room, picking up her dirty clothes all over the floor.
Me: Ok, little Scott. This needs to end. Dirty clothes go here, not the floor.
Emma: Geez, I’m sorry I’m not little Julie.
Kate: What’s that sound?
Me: Tornado sirens. They’re testing. It’s not real.
Kate: How do you know they’re testing?
Me: Well, there’s not severe weather.
Kate: But do the people testing them know that?
I woke up to a Raggedy Ann doll being pushed in my face. A scary-ass doll from the 80s that somehow made it to my kid’s stash of dolls.
Me: Kate. What. What are you doing? Go back to bed.
Kate: It was yours, mommy. When you were little. She wants to sleep with you.
Me: Kate! What is this drawing?
Me: Tomorrow is Aunt Jenna’s birthday!
Kate: Are we invited?
Kate has a medical issue that required a trip to the ENT. They did a hearing test on her. The first test involved a nurse telling Kate words in an ear piece and Kate would repeat them out loud. The second test involved beeps and clapping. The nurse told me she was below normal in the first test but the second test was perfect. The nurse said she might have been too shy to say words out loud. But her hearing is ok.
On the way home.
Me: Kate, did you like the hearing tests? That little room was fancy!
Kate: I didn’t say some words.
Kate: I didn’t say the words I don’t like. Like she said spongebob. I don’t like him so I didn’t say it.
Kate: What are you doing?
Me: I’m putting away your clothes.
Kate: Are you party pooping?
Kate: I know how mummies are made.
Kate: They are really humans.
Kate: And the mommies leave too much toilet paper on the their butt. Then they just keep wrapping themselves. It’s the mommies fault. That’s why they’re called mummies.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kate had a friend over.
Kid: I wish I was your family’s dog.
I made Kate and her friend lunch before school.
Kid: WOW! I wish my mom could cut the crusts off like that!
Me: Your mom doesn’t cut off crusts?
Kid: Never. Can you teach her that?
Shopping at Walmart.
Mom: Momma needs some caffeine.
Kid: Why do you need caffeine?
Mom: Just to get through my day.
A few minutes later, they walk down the beer aisle.
Kid: Why do you need beer, mom? To help get through your day?
Mom: Stop yelling at your sister and find your school folder!
Kid: I know how to multitask, mom.
Kid: I like days off.
Mom: Me too.
Kid: You don’t get days off.
Mom: Kid, do you remember what Friday is? It’s Halloween!
Kid: Yes! And a snowman will bring me Play Doh!
Kid: Mommy, I need Daddy’s wallet now.
Mom: Um, I don’t think so.
Kid: Yes, I neeeed it. Give it to me now.
Mom: Why exactly do you need it Daddy’s wallet?
Kid: It’s complicated.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.