I was helping Kate with homework before school.
Me: Ok, now you have to draw a picture of yourself wearing a hat that is too big.
I passed a cemetery in the car.
Kate: Look at all those dead people! Good thing I’m not going in the ground when I die. I’m going to heaven, right mom?
Kate: I know how to spell Royals.
Me: Tell me.
Kate: K and C.
The girls were staying with my in-laws for a few days. I FaceTimed them one evening.
Me: Are you having fun at Nana’s?
Emma: Yeah! We went to the zoo today.
Me: Aw, cute! Let me talk to Kate too.
(Kate’s face shows up)
Kate: Bye mom. (hangs up)
Emma: Mom, would you rather live in a mansion or a castle?
Me: Ooooo! Good question. Umm…I think maybe a castle.
Me: Because it would have a lot of history. I think it would be cool to live in a place where lots of people have lived.
Kate: Uh, but probably a lot of spider webs.
I dropped off Kate at school. She gets out of the car and shuts door. She turns to wave at me.
Kate: (yelling through closed window) HEY! I don’t think I shut the door all the way! But I see my friends, bye! Shut the door for me! (Runs off)
Kate: Hey! I like your toes
Me: Thanks! Isn’t that a pretty color?
Kate: Paint mine like that.
Me: I don’t have time right now.
Kate: Well, then don’t make me look at your toes.
Nana: Kate, you need to finish your dinner. I wish I ate as much as you.
Kate: What did you say?
Nana: I said I wish I ate as much as you, I would be so little.
Kate: And cute?
Kate: What happens at Nana’s, stays at Nana’s!
Me: Where did you hear that?
Kate: I made it up.
Me: Kate, go pick up the play room.
Kate: When we go to Nana’s, she cleans for us.
Me: Yeah, well you’re with your mom now. Pick up.
Kate: I love it at Nana’s. When I’m done with a toy and I just drop it. Nana follows me and picks it up for me. I NEVER have to pick up there.
I walked into the grocery store with Kate.
Me: Oh, I don’t need a cart, Kate. I just need two things.
Kate: Oh. I do. (pulls a cart away)
Me: Did you let Jamie take a picture of you?
Me: Then what is this?
Kate: Emma dressed up in my clothes. Then she smiled for Jamie.
Kate: I love homework!
Me: That’s good.
Kate: I won’t like it when I’m in Emma’s grade.
Me: Kate, what number do you call in an emergency? If someone is very hurt or if there’s a fire, what number do you call?
Kate: I don’t know.
Me: No, 9…1…
Me: I’M GOING TO DIE!
Kate: Ugh, just slice his head off with your sword.
Emma and Kate were playing a game on their iPod.
I parked in front of the dry cleaners. The drop off is designed so you walk up and push the bag through the window.
Me: Stay here, Kate. I’m going to drop off this laundry.
Kate: Um, lock the doors. Don’t let anyone kidnap me.
Kate: Trick or treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat! Or I’m going to pull down your underwear! (Emma and Kate laughs)
Me: Where did you hear that?
(Emma walks out of the room.)
Scott: Bug, will you walk on my back?
Me: No, I don’t like that.
Scott: The girls aren’t heavy enough. Just help me out.
Me: Ugh, ok. (walk on his back) AH! Scott, I hate this!
Kate: Walk on his head!
Me: Kate, go find your iPod.
Kate: I don’t want to go downstairs. I’m scared of thunder.
Me: I thought you brought it up here?
Kate: I faked brought it up here.
Kate: (laying in Scott’s arms) Ugh, what this big bump right here?
Scott: My bicep.
Kate: Oh. That’s too big.
Emma said something funny and I got my phone out to write it down.
Emma: What are you doing?
Me: You said something funny and I wrote it down so I don’t forget.
Emma: Is that when you write about me and Kate on your computer?
Emma: I shall act normal now.
Me: Kate, come here and tell me what you want for dinner.
Kate: I don’t want to go anywhere.
Me: No, I’m ordering from Schwans. I don’t like cooking. They bring food to your house so you don’t have to go anywhere or cook.
Kate: Oh. I don’t like the name Schwans.
Me: Kate, you’re going to go home with Charley after school. You’re going to have a playdate at her house.
Kate: I will pack my suitcase.
Me: No, you’re not spending the night. Just playdate.
Kate: I still need a suitcase of toys.
I was volunteering at the school. I could hear Kate inside her classroom while I did some work in the hallway.
Kate: (yelling) Hey look at this turtle’s eggs! Looks like he pooped! (laughs)
Kate is learning about syllables. I was practicing with her.
Me: Let’s do the family names.
Kate: Ben. (clap) One.
Kate: Ash-ley. (clap clap) Two.
Me: Good job.
Kate: Ma-ar-ar-ark. (clap clap clap clap) Four.
Special edition: Oh Kids.
We went to the pumpkin patch with another family. I was helping one of the boys find a pumpkin. He tripped and fell in the patch.
Me: Oh no! Are you ok?
Kid: I’m ok. Lots of trippies on this trail.
Kid: I saw what you wrote on my mom’s facebook!
Kid: You told my mom to have fun stomping around with the real wildcats!
Me: But she is! Africa has all kinds of wildcats!
Kid: But she could get eaten!
Me: Your daddy will protect her.
Kid: Yeah, well he got spit on by a cobra today.
Kid: Mommy, I love you.
Mom: I love you more.
Kid: Yeah, probably.
Kid: (hand on hip) Um, your son is not being very proactive.
Mom: What happened?
Kid: He said stupid. (stomps and walks off)
Kid: Hey mom, when dad picks his nose how come he doesn’t eat it?
Kid: Hey mom, is there a movie theatre where you don’t have to wear clothes?
Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.