Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Kate: What does the inside of your butt look like?

_____________

In the car.

Emma: Can I have your phone?

Me: No, I need it for directions.

Kate: But we’re bored.

Me: Look outside! Look at all the sunflowers over there.

Kate: Ugh. That’s boring.

_____________

Kate: I drew you, mommy!

Me: You did? Let me see.

Kate: You got those big boobies.

Kate: You got those big boobies.

_____________

I was picking up toilet paper scraps off the floor in the bathroom. Kate walks in.

Kate: HA! You’re touching my poop.

_____________

Kate: What is your favorite kind of baby?

Me: I don’t understand your question.

Kate: Like mine is myself.

_____________

Kate: Look at the bird outside!

Me: Hold on for a second. I’m finishing up some work. What color is it?

Kate: Uh, NOT a boy.

_____________

I was getting out my Halloween decorations.

Kate: Hey, can I go play with that dead man over there?

Me: (laughing) Yeah.

Kate: His bones feel like real dead bones.

_____________

Kate brings me a thermometer.

Kate: Check to see how I’m feeling today.

_____________

Me: Hey Kate, will you bring me my phone?

Kate: No. I’m playing with it.

Me: Real quick then I’ll give it back to you.

Kate: Ugh. Fine. Text Christine something then give me your phone back.

_____________

We took care of our neighbor’s dog for a weekend. His name is Jack. Jack and Kate walked into my closet as I was getting dressed.

Me: Hey Kate.

Kate: Uh, Jack is looking at you naked.

Me: Dogs don’t care about seeing anyone naked.

Kate: Maybe dogs laugh in their head.

_____________

Scott was leaving for work. I woke up to him giving me a kiss on the lips. Kate sits up in our bed. (I didn’t know she climbed in bed with me)

Kate: SICK.

_____________

Scott: Would you rather… smell the world’s stinkiest fart or go to school one hour earlier every day?

Emma: Depends whose fart.

_____________

I was reading Kate’s midterm.

Me: WHAT? Kate! You can’t count to 20?

Kate: …..

Me: Let’s count to 20. 1…2…3

Kate: 1. And I just want to count to 1.

_____________

Kate: What if someone peed their pants? That would be bad, right?

Me: Well, they would have to change their underwear.

Kate: Yeah. And their splatter.

Me: (look at her)

Kate: (eyes get big)

_____________

Me: KATE! Where are you?

Kate: I’m in the bathroom! I’m taking a long time because I have my iPod with me like you do!

_____________

Kate: Did K-State win last night?

Me: No.

Kate: UGHHHHHH.

_____________

I cleaned the girls bathroom.

Me: There. Done. Now keep it clean, ok?

Kate: You mean, instead of dirty?

_____________

I was helping Kate write out a sentence for homework.

Me: And then you add a period at the end. It’s a dot.

Kate: I know. It means stop talking.

_____________

Me: What specials did you have at school today?

Kate: Uh, the one where everyone starts talking in Spanish. I don’t like that one. I don’t understand what’s going on.

_____________

Scott: Tomorrow is Saturday! Time to relax, girls!

Kate: Uh, that’s boring.

_____________

Me: Go to bed, Kate. You look tired.

Kate: I’m not tired.

Me: Your eyes are all red!

Kate: I’m just mad at daddy.

_____________

Kate had a friend over. Kate was showing her friend pictures of herself when she was a baby.

Friend: You look like a boy!

Kate: Uh, I am NOT a boy.

_____________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

 

Kid: (yelling from a bathroom) MOM! Can you come here? And bring a plastic bag!

_____________

Mom: What did you learn at church tonight?

Kid: Nothing.

Mom: Nothing?!

Kid: Well it’s just the same stuff. Jesus and whatever.

_____________

Kid: Did it look gross in your tummy when I was growing in there?

_____________

Kid: Mom, is ass end a real thing?

Mom: Asset? Sure, that’s a real word.

Kid: No. ASS END. Is ASS end a real thing?

Mom: Well, where did you hear this word?

Kid: You know, the ring-a-round-a-rosy song.

Mom: OH! ASHES!

_____________

Mom: Watch the TV. The K-State game is starting.

The K-State preshow of a train going through Manhattan appears on the TV.

Mom: You’re going to go to school there one day!

Kid: Am I going to get there by a train?

_____________

Kid (playing on the floor with toys): Mom. Sometimes I think I’m a genius.

_____________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

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