Kate: What does the inside of your butt look like?
In the car.
Emma: Can I have your phone?
Me: No, I need it for directions.
Kate: But we’re bored.
Me: Look outside! Look at all the sunflowers over there.
Kate: Ugh. That’s boring.
Kate: I drew you, mommy!
Me: You did? Let me see.
I was picking up toilet paper scraps off the floor in the bathroom. Kate walks in.
Kate: HA! You’re touching my poop.
Kate: What is your favorite kind of baby?
Me: I don’t understand your question.
Kate: Like mine is myself.
Kate: Look at the bird outside!
Me: Hold on for a second. I’m finishing up some work. What color is it?
Kate: Uh, NOT a boy.
I was getting out my Halloween decorations.
Kate: Hey, can I go play with that dead man over there?
Me: (laughing) Yeah.
Kate: His bones feel like real dead bones.
Kate brings me a thermometer.
Kate: Check to see how I’m feeling today.
Me: Hey Kate, will you bring me my phone?
Kate: No. I’m playing with it.
Me: Real quick then I’ll give it back to you.
Kate: Ugh. Fine. Text Christine something then give me your phone back.
We took care of our neighbor’s dog for a weekend. His name is Jack. Jack and Kate walked into my closet as I was getting dressed.
Me: Hey Kate.
Kate: Uh, Jack is looking at you naked.
Me: Dogs don’t care about seeing anyone naked.
Kate: Maybe dogs laugh in their head.
Scott was leaving for work. I woke up to him giving me a kiss on the lips. Kate sits up in our bed. (I didn’t know she climbed in bed with me)
Scott: Would you rather… smell the world’s stinkiest fart or go to school one hour earlier every day?
Emma: Depends whose fart.
I was reading Kate’s midterm.
Me: WHAT? Kate! You can’t count to 20?
Me: Let’s count to 20. 1…2…3
Kate: 1. And I just want to count to 1.
Kate: What if someone peed their pants? That would be bad, right?
Me: Well, they would have to change their underwear.
Kate: Yeah. And their splatter.
Me: (look at her)
Kate: (eyes get big)
Me: KATE! Where are you?
Kate: I’m in the bathroom! I’m taking a long time because I have my iPod with me like you do!
Kate: Did K-State win last night?
I cleaned the girls bathroom.
Me: There. Done. Now keep it clean, ok?
Kate: You mean, instead of dirty?
I was helping Kate write out a sentence for homework.
Me: And then you add a period at the end. It’s a dot.
Kate: I know. It means stop talking.
Me: What specials did you have at school today?
Kate: Uh, the one where everyone starts talking in Spanish. I don’t like that one. I don’t understand what’s going on.
Scott: Tomorrow is Saturday! Time to relax, girls!
Kate: Uh, that’s boring.
Me: Go to bed, Kate. You look tired.
Kate: I’m not tired.
Me: Your eyes are all red!
Kate: I’m just mad at daddy.
Kate had a friend over. Kate was showing her friend pictures of herself when she was a baby.
Friend: You look like a boy!
Kate: Uh, I am NOT a boy.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kid: (yelling from a bathroom) MOM! Can you come here? And bring a plastic bag!
Mom: What did you learn at church tonight?
Kid: Well it’s just the same stuff. Jesus and whatever.
Kid: Did it look gross in your tummy when I was growing in there?
Kid: Mom, is ass end a real thing?
Mom: Asset? Sure, that’s a real word.
Kid: No. ASS END. Is ASS end a real thing?
Mom: Well, where did you hear this word?
Kid: You know, the ring-a-round-a-rosy song.
Mom: OH! ASHES!
Mom: Watch the TV. The K-State game is starting.
The K-State preshow of a train going through Manhattan appears on the TV.
Mom: You’re going to go to school there one day!
Kid: Am I going to get there by a train?
Kid (playing on the floor with toys): Mom. Sometimes I think I’m a genius.
Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.