Kate fell off the counter and landed on her head. She had a big bruise on center of her forehead for about a day or so. (She was fine)
Emma: (screaming from upstairs) Daaa-ad! Kate keeps bumping into me!
Scott: Kate, stop.
Emma: She’s using her bump on her forehead to ram into me! She says she’s a unicorn!
Scott: What did you learn in school today?
Kate: I forgot but it was probably something.
Me: I liked volunteering in your classroom today, Emma. Your teacher is super nice.
Kate: Who is super nice?
Me: Emma’s teacher is.
Kate: Does Emma think she’s not?
I dropped off Emma at school in the car. It was pouring rain. The line to drop off kids was longer than normal.
Kate rolls down the window, points and yells at traffic.
Kate: YOU’RE LATE. YOU’RE ALL LATE! ALL OF YOU!
I was in my bedroom. I could hear Kate rummaging around my sink drawers.
I peeked in. She had her mouth wide open and was applying lipstick.
Scott: Kate, where do you get all your good looks from?
Kate: Mommy and me.
Kate: Uh, your face looks weird when you bite that taco.
Kate: Your face. It’s like this (tilts head to side with her mouth open).
Kate walked in the house after she was done playing outside. She looks down at the floor.
Kate: My feet are dirty. Look at all these dirty footprints. You should clean these floors when I go to school.
Me: Good job getting dressed by yourself, Kate! All red for red day!
Kate: (lifts up her dress) I got red underwear too! Haaa!
Me: Do not show your friends that.
We got our pictures taken in our backyard by our friend. Jamie rings the doorbell. The girls answer the door.
Kate: Hi! Mommy and daddy are upstairs right now.
Jamie: Oh, they are?
Kate: Daddy is pooping.
Kate: I can spell K-U.
Emma: Stop it, Kate. You need to learn how to spell K-S-U.
Kate was looking at a framed picture of Kevin Lockett (it was autographed for Emma).
Kate: KU is on there.
Me: No, it’s a picture of a former K-State player. His name is Kevin Locket. K-State has the ball. He is just playing KU in the picture.
Kate: Who’s winning in the picture?
Me: I don’t know what game that was. I’m sure K-State won that game.
Kate: How do you know?
Me: Because KU isn’t very good at football.
Kate: Why isn’t KU good at football?
Me: I don’t know. They just aren’t a football school. They’re better at basketball.
Kate: KU probably just doesn’t practice a lot.
Kate: Can I watch TV?
Me: No. Your dad pulled cable. We can’t watch TV anymore.
Kate: I don’t like daddy anymore. You are my favorite.
I pulled up to a drive-thru. Kate had her window down in the back because it was a nice day out.
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Kate: HI, CAN YOU THROW MY KID IN THE PLAY AREA?
Employee: Excuse me?
I walked into the bathroom to Kate sitting on the toilet.
Kate: DIARRHEA! SHUT THE DOOR!
Kate: Let’s play restaurant!
Me: Ugh. Ok.
Kate: And what would you like to eat, ma’am?
Me: I’ll have a turkey sandwich and some cottage cheese.
Kate: And would you like a beer to go with that?
Me: Kate, go tell your dad that I want two tacos.
Kate: (to Emma) Mommy wants two tacos.
Me: Does she look like daddy to you?
Kate: No, she looks like you.
Kate: What’s that noise?
Me: Bugs outside.
Kate: What kind of bug is it?
Me: Cicadas or locusts. I can’t remember which one.
Kate: How do they make that werrrerrrre werrrrerrrre noise?
Me: Hmmm..I think their wings? Or maybe their legs.
Kate: I think they hop on the trees to make that noise.
Me: Aw, sad. Someone ran over this caterpillar.
Kate: Is it a baby one?
Me: It’s a big, fat one. Well, I guess all caterpillars are babies, right? Because they turn into a butterfly when they get bigger.
Kate: Butterflies have caterpillars in their tummies?
Kate: I don’t like the dentist. I don’t like that stuff they put on my teeth.
Emma: I like the dentist. The only thing I don’t like is the cavity checker. It’s like a giant monster to me.
Kate: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there.
Emma: That wasn’t a knock knock joke, Kate.
Kate: She laughed.
I pulled my car into the garage after dropping off Emma at school.
Me: Hurry up, Kate. My PJ shorts are too short.
Me: I don’t know. But I don’t want parents to see my butt cheeks hanging out.
Kate: Mom, you need to start wearing pants.
In the car.
Me: Where’s my phone at?
Kate: Probably at home or in the sewer.
Kate: Look at those spiders stuck together! They’re hugging! Awwww!
Special Edition: Oh, kids.
Kate had a kindergarten friend over. I picked her up and drove her to our house.
Kid: Wow! Your car is so clean! My mom’s car is not clean at all.
I parked the car in our garage.
Kid: I can’t wait to play at your house again!
Me: You just got here!
Kid: Yeah, but I’m just so excited! I want to come back already!
Me: Do you girls want a snack?
Kate and kid: Yeah!
Me: You’re not allergic to anything, are you?
Kid: Yeah, I am allergic to something.
Me: Uh oh. What is it?
Kid: I’m allergic to poison ivy.
Emma and Kate were showing the friend our basement.
Kate: My daddy shot that fish.
Emma: No, he didn’t Kate. You don’t shoot fish with guns. He bought it from a store.
Me: Hey girls, just dump your water from your tea party in the yard before you come inside.
Kid: Uh, we should go to my house and dump it there. My dad said our yard needs the water.
Twins, 4 year old boys: Mom, can we have a drink?
Mom: You can have milk or water.
Twins: We don’t like your options.
5 year old: Son of a bitch!
Dad: OH! WHOA! You can’t say that.
5 year old: Say what.
Dad: Son of a bitch.
5 year old: I can’t say son of a bitch?
Dad: No. You can’t. You can’t say bitch.
5 year old: But you say bitch.
Dad: I can say bitch.
5 year old: But I can’t say son of a bitch?
(This has got to be my favorite of all time. And no, it wasn’t Kate.)
Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.