Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Me: Kate, what do you want on your sandwich?

Kate: Uh, turkey. And some of that man stuff.

Emma: (laughing) She said man stuff!

Me: What does that mean?

Emma: She wants mayonnaise, mom!

_______________

I was working in the living room. Kate walks in with a half eaten freeze pop. She stops in front of me and keeps eating it.

Kate: Can I have one of these?

_______________

Kate: Mom! Daddy said YES. He will take us to the pool today.

Me: He did? I’m surprised.

Kate: He always says yes when he’s asleep. You need to ask when he’s asleep.

_______________

Emma: Mom, why do we need toll booths?

Me: It’s just another way of funding the highway. Sometimes you pay with taxes, sometimes you pay when you need to use them.

Kate: One time daddy lost his toll ticket and he just ran through the booth with us! It was SO FUN. We went FAST!

Me: No, he didn’t.

Emma: Uh, yeah he did. The last time he drove us to Wichita, he did that.

Me: WHAT?! (I call Scott and ask)

Scott: Uh, yeah. Well I couldn’t find my ticket and no one was working the toll booth. It was my lucky day!

_______________

Kate: I had a dream daddy was in the bathtub.

_______________

Kate: What does “for real” mean?

_______________

Kate: I have been alive for a lot of days.

_______________

Kate: Emma, you have a spider on your shoulder.

Emma: AH! Get it off!

Kate: Good thing it’s not a monkey.

_______________

Kate: Mommy! Mommy! Come outside!

Me: What? What happened?

Kate: Daddy is eating something gross!

Me: What’s he eating?

Kate: You have to cover your face when you go out there. Cover your mouth and nose.

Me: What’s he eating?

Kate: He’s eating a cigar! It’s so gross!

Emma: He’s smoking a cigar, mom.

Kate: He’s eating it!

_______________

Kate was coloring a picture.

Kate: X-O-X-O Kate.

Me: Where did you learn X-O-X-O?

Kate: No one. I made it up.

_______________

Kate was tickling me.

Kate: Does this tickle?

Me: I’m not very ticklish. No.

Kate: (wets her finger, sticks it in my ear)

Me: Ah! Where did you learn that?

Kate: No one.

_______________

Me: Kate, eat your chicken.

Kate: Uh, there’s an invisible wall in front of you and I can’t hear you.

_______________

Emma: How do you make a whirl pool?

Me: There are jets under the water and it shoots out fast.

Kate: Or Ursula.

_______________

Kate: What time is it?

Me: 10 o’clock.

Kate: So like 2?

_______________

Scott was walking around, holding Kate in the ocean.

Kate: I need to pee.

Scott: Just pee. It’s ok.

Kate: I’m peeing on your leg. You feel it. It’s shooting that way.

_______________

I took Emma to her doctor appointment. We were waiting in the room for the doctor.

Kate: Uh, what kind of doctors have TVs in the room?

_______________

Doctor: Hi Emma! What have you done this summer?

Emma: Just hanging out at friends’ houses every day.

Me: Uh, and she also just got back from the Florida Keys.

_______________

Me: Kate, are you ready to go to kindergarten?

Kate: No.

Me: Why? You’ll be at Emma’s school! That’ll be fun!

Kate: Ugh. MATH.

_______________

Kate was having trouble putting a toy back together.

Kate: I can’t get it! Jesus!

Me: Did you say Jesus? Don’t say Jesus like that.

Kate: Well, that’s what you say when you get mad. Jesus and damnit.

Me: (turn around and mouth) Damnit.

_______________

 

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: That’s a big slide to go down.

Me: I know. I’m going to ride it. Longest in the WORLD.

Kid: You going with your dad?

Me: What.

Kid: You should ride with your dad.

Me: Are you talking about Scott?

Kid: Yeah, Scott.

_______________

Kid: You want to see my precious?

Me: What.

Kid: My precious stick. It broke.

_______________

I was watching a few neighbor kids (male). They wanted to play with a deck of cards. The only deck I had was a deck of the Chiefs Cheerleaders.

Me: You see this card, here? That’s my sister.

Kid 1: Who is that?

Me: My sister.

Kid 1: Looks like Emma.

Me: Yeah, sorta. It’s her aunt.

Kid 2: She’s not wearing a lot of clothes.

Me: It’s their uniform. They just show their tummies. See? They’re all dressed the same way.

Kid 2: Can I go in Emma’s room?

Me: Yes, but she’s at camp. She won’t be up there.

Kid 2: That’s fine. I want to see if she has that uniform.

Me: Wait, what. It’s not Emma!

_______________

Kid: (holding a naked barbie doll) There’s a lot of naked women in this house.

_______________

Kid: Did your dogs come from Petco or your stomach?

_______________

Kid 1: Mom, did you hit a skunk?

Mom: No.

Kid 1: Well it really stinks in here!

Kid 2: Where are we?

Mom: Lawrence.

Kid 2: No wonder it stinks. This is where the yucky ducks live! They must be playing football.

_______________

Kid: Mom, I think my heart is beating! (pause) Yep! It IS! My heart is beating, mom!

Mom: Well, that’s always a good sign.

Kid: I think it’s because I ran up the stairs but also mom LOOK at my big arm muscles!

Mom: Kid, just go to sleep please.

Kid: I’m not going to sleep until you look at my big muscles.

_______________

Kid: But mom, I don’t want to eat the blood up by the crust.

Mom: That’s not blood, kid. Eat your pizza.

Kid: It’s the blood of pizza, mom!

_______________

I drove my 6 year old to Lawrence for lunch to change things up on our way back to Lincoln. We were driving down Massachusetts Street.

Kid: (very serious tone) Mom, are these people from another country?

_______________

Kid: Mom, what is my good finger? I know this one (holds up middle finger) is the bad finger.

_______________

Kid: Does a nutcracker crack nuts?

Mom: Yes.

Kid: Do I have nuts?

_______________

Kid: So mom. I tried swimming with my underwear on under my swimming trunks. Never, never do that. It doesn’t work. Your underwear still gets wet.

_______________

Kid: Mom, did you know that Uncle Todd and Aunt Hannah want to have another baby?

Mom: How do you know that?

Kid: She told me on the trampoline, remember? She said, “stop beating me on the ovaries! Todd and I are not done having babies!” What are ovaries, mom? How do they help make babies?

Mom: Who knows. Your Aunt Hannah is crazy. She always says weird stuff.

_______________

Is your kid hilarious?

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

8 thoughts on “Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

  1. Sally Graham says:

    Love this!! Having two daughters of my own, I can relate to some of this, but your girls just crack me up!! What a blessing that you have a record of this to share with them, when they can appreciate it. Keep up the great work!!

    Like

    • Thanks! The hardest part is writing it down quickly. They will say something and I won’t write it down then an hour later I will have no clue what they said but I knew it was funny. I hate that. I love reading the old school “Oh Emma” wayyy back in the blog. I don’t remember any of them so it’s like reading them for the first time. So funny!

      Like

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