Me: Kate, what do you want on your sandwich?
Kate: Uh, turkey. And some of that man stuff.
Emma: (laughing) She said man stuff!
Me: What does that mean?
Emma: She wants mayonnaise, mom!
I was working in the living room. Kate walks in with a half eaten freeze pop. She stops in front of me and keeps eating it.
Kate: Can I have one of these?
Kate: Mom! Daddy said YES. He will take us to the pool today.
Me: He did? I’m surprised.
Kate: He always says yes when he’s asleep. You need to ask when he’s asleep.
Emma: Mom, why do we need toll booths?
Me: It’s just another way of funding the highway. Sometimes you pay with taxes, sometimes you pay when you need to use them.
Kate: One time daddy lost his toll ticket and he just ran through the booth with us! It was SO FUN. We went FAST!
Me: No, he didn’t.
Emma: Uh, yeah he did. The last time he drove us to Wichita, he did that.
Me: WHAT?! (I call Scott and ask)
Scott: Uh, yeah. Well I couldn’t find my ticket and no one was working the toll booth. It was my lucky day!
Kate: I had a dream daddy was in the bathtub.
Kate: What does “for real” mean?
Kate: I have been alive for a lot of days.
Kate: Emma, you have a spider on your shoulder.
Emma: AH! Get it off!
Kate: Good thing it’s not a monkey.
Kate: Mommy! Mommy! Come outside!
Me: What? What happened?
Kate: Daddy is eating something gross!
Me: What’s he eating?
Kate: You have to cover your face when you go out there. Cover your mouth and nose.
Me: What’s he eating?
Kate: He’s eating a cigar! It’s so gross!
Emma: He’s smoking a cigar, mom.
Kate: He’s eating it!
Kate was coloring a picture.
Kate: X-O-X-O Kate.
Me: Where did you learn X-O-X-O?
Kate: No one. I made it up.
Kate was tickling me.
Kate: Does this tickle?
Me: I’m not very ticklish. No.
Kate: (wets her finger, sticks it in my ear)
Me: Ah! Where did you learn that?
Kate: No one.
Me: Kate, eat your chicken.
Kate: Uh, there’s an invisible wall in front of you and I can’t hear you.
Emma: How do you make a whirl pool?
Me: There are jets under the water and it shoots out fast.
Kate: Or Ursula.
Kate: What time is it?
Me: 10 o’clock.
Kate: So like 2?
Scott was walking around, holding Kate in the ocean.
Kate: I need to pee.
Scott: Just pee. It’s ok.
Kate: I’m peeing on your leg. You feel it. It’s shooting that way.
I took Emma to her doctor appointment. We were waiting in the room for the doctor.
Kate: Uh, what kind of doctors have TVs in the room?
Doctor: Hi Emma! What have you done this summer?
Emma: Just hanging out at friends’ houses every day.
Me: Uh, and she also just got back from the Florida Keys.
Me: Kate, are you ready to go to kindergarten?
Me: Why? You’ll be at Emma’s school! That’ll be fun!
Kate: Ugh. MATH.
Kate was having trouble putting a toy back together.
Kate: I can’t get it! Jesus!
Me: Did you say Jesus? Don’t say Jesus like that.
Kate: Well, that’s what you say when you get mad. Jesus and damnit.
Me: (turn around and mouth) Damnit.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kid: That’s a big slide to go down.
Me: I know. I’m going to ride it. Longest in the WORLD.
Kid: You going with your dad?
Kid: You should ride with your dad.
Me: Are you talking about Scott?
Kid: Yeah, Scott.
Kid: You want to see my precious?
Kid: My precious stick. It broke.
I was watching a few neighbor kids (male). They wanted to play with a deck of cards. The only deck I had was a deck of the Chiefs Cheerleaders.
Me: You see this card, here? That’s my sister.
Kid 1: Who is that?
Me: My sister.
Kid 1: Looks like Emma.
Me: Yeah, sorta. It’s her aunt.
Kid 2: She’s not wearing a lot of clothes.
Me: It’s their uniform. They just show their tummies. See? They’re all dressed the same way.
Kid 2: Can I go in Emma’s room?
Me: Yes, but she’s at camp. She won’t be up there.
Kid 2: That’s fine. I want to see if she has that uniform.
Me: Wait, what. It’s not Emma!
Kid: (holding a naked barbie doll) There’s a lot of naked women in this house.
Kid: Did your dogs come from Petco or your stomach?
Kid 1: Mom, did you hit a skunk?
Kid 1: Well it really stinks in here!
Kid 2: Where are we?
Kid 2: No wonder it stinks. This is where the yucky ducks live! They must be playing football.
Kid: Mom, I think my heart is beating! (pause) Yep! It IS! My heart is beating, mom!
Mom: Well, that’s always a good sign.
Kid: I think it’s because I ran up the stairs but also mom LOOK at my big arm muscles!
Mom: Kid, just go to sleep please.
Kid: I’m not going to sleep until you look at my big muscles.
Kid: But mom, I don’t want to eat the blood up by the crust.
Mom: That’s not blood, kid. Eat your pizza.
Kid: It’s the blood of pizza, mom!
I drove my 6 year old to Lawrence for lunch to change things up on our way back to Lincoln. We were driving down Massachusetts Street.
Kid: (very serious tone) Mom, are these people from another country?
Kid: Mom, what is my good finger? I know this one (holds up middle finger) is the bad finger.
Kid: Does a nutcracker crack nuts?
Kid: Do I have nuts?
Kid: So mom. I tried swimming with my underwear on under my swimming trunks. Never, never do that. It doesn’t work. Your underwear still gets wet.
Kid: Mom, did you know that Uncle Todd and Aunt Hannah want to have another baby?
Mom: How do you know that?
Kid: She told me on the trampoline, remember? She said, “stop beating me on the ovaries! Todd and I are not done having babies!” What are ovaries, mom? How do they help make babies?
Mom: Who knows. Your Aunt Hannah is crazy. She always says weird stuff.
Is your kid hilarious?
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