Me: Kate, what do you want on your sandwich?
Kate: Uh, turkey. And some of that man stuff.
Emma: (laughing) She said man stuff!
Me: What does that mean?
Emma: She wants mayonnaise, mom!
I was working in the living room. Kate walks in with a half eaten freeze pop. She stops in front of me and keeps eating it.
Kate: Can I have one of these?
Kate: Mom! Daddy said YES. He will take us to the pool today.
Me: He did? I’m surprised.
Kate: He always says yes when he’s asleep. You need to ask when he’s asleep.
Emma: Mom, why do we need toll booths?
Me: It’s just another way of funding the highway. Sometimes you pay with taxes, sometimes you pay when you need to use them.
Kate: One time daddy lost his toll ticket and he just ran through the booth with us! It was SO FUN. We went FAST!
Me: No, he didn’t.
Emma: Uh, yeah he did. The last time he drove us to Wichita, he did that.
Me: WHAT?! (I call Scott and ask)
Scott: Uh, yeah. Well I couldn’t find my ticket and no one was working the toll booth. It was my lucky day!
Kate: I had a dream daddy was in the bathtub.
Kate: What does “for real” mean?
Kate: I have been alive for a lot of days.
Kate: Emma, you have a spider on your shoulder.
Emma: AH! Get it off!
Kate: Good thing it’s not a monkey.
Kate: Mommy! Mommy! Come outside!
Me: What? What happened?
Kate: Daddy is eating something gross!
Me: What’s he eating?
Kate: You have to cover your face when you go out there. Cover your mouth and nose.
Me: What’s he eating?
Kate: He’s eating a cigar! It’s so gross!
Emma: He’s smoking a cigar, mom.
Kate: He’s eating it!
Kate was coloring a picture.
Kate: X-O-X-O Kate.
Me: Where did you learn X-O-X-O?
Kate: No one. I made it up.
Kate was tickling me.
Kate: Does this tickle?
Me: I’m not very ticklish. No.
Kate: (wets her finger, sticks it in my ear)
Me: Ah! Where did you learn that?
Kate: No one.
Me: Kate, eat your chicken.
Kate: Uh, there’s an invisible wall in front of you and I can’t hear you.
Emma: How do you make a whirl pool?
Me: There are jets under the water and it shoots out fast.
Kate: Or Ursula.
Kate: What time is it?
Me: 10 o’clock.
Kate: So like 2?
Scott was walking around, holding Kate in the ocean.
Kate: I need to pee.
Scott: Just pee. It’s ok.
Kate: I’m peeing on your leg. You feel it. It’s shooting that way.
I took Emma to her doctor appointment. We were waiting in the room for the doctor.
Kate: Uh, what kind of doctors have TVs in the room?
Doctor: Hi Emma! What have you done this summer?
Emma: Just hanging out at friends’ houses every day.
Me: Uh, and she also just got back from the Florida Keys.
Me: Kate, are you ready to go to kindergarten?
Me: Why? You’ll be at Emma’s school! That’ll be fun!
Kate: Ugh. MATH.
Kate was having trouble putting a toy back together.
Kate: I can’t get it! Jesus!
Me: Did you say Jesus? Don’t say Jesus like that.
Kate: Well, that’s what you say when you get mad. Jesus and damnit.
Me: (turn around and mouth) Damnit.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Kid: That’s a big slide to go down.
Me: I know. I’m going to ride it. Longest in the WORLD.
Kid: You going with your dad?
Kid: You should ride with your dad.
Me: Are you talking about Scott?
Kid: Yeah, Scott.
Kid: You want to see my precious?
Kid: My precious stick. It broke.
I was watching a few neighbor kids (male). They wanted to play with a deck of cards. The only deck I had was a deck of the Chiefs Cheerleaders.
Me: You see this card, here? That’s my sister.
Kid 1: Who is that?
Me: My sister.
Kid 1: Looks like Emma.
Me: Yeah, sorta. It’s her aunt.
Kid 2: She’s not wearing a lot of clothes.
Me: It’s their uniform. They just show their tummies. See? They’re all dressed the same way.
Kid 2: Can I go in Emma’s room?
Me: Yes, but she’s at camp. She won’t be up there.
Kid 2: That’s fine. I want to see if she has that uniform.
Me: Wait, what. It’s not Emma!
Kid: (holding a naked barbie doll) There’s a lot of naked women in this house.
Kid: Did your dogs come from Petco or your stomach?
Kid 1: Mom, did you hit a skunk?
Kid 1: Well it really stinks in here!
Kid 2: Where are we?
Kid 2: No wonder it stinks. This is where the yucky ducks live! They must be playing football.
Kid: Mom, I think my heart is beating! (pause) Yep! It IS! My heart is beating, mom!
Mom: Well, that’s always a good sign.
Kid: I think it’s because I ran up the stairs but also mom LOOK at my big arm muscles!
Mom: Kid, just go to sleep please.
Kid: I’m not going to sleep until you look at my big muscles.
Kid: But mom, I don’t want to eat the blood up by the crust.
Mom: That’s not blood, kid. Eat your pizza.
Kid: It’s the blood of pizza, mom!
I drove my 6 year old to Lawrence for lunch to change things up on our way back to Lincoln. We were driving down Massachusetts Street.
Kid: (very serious tone) Mom, are these people from another country?
Kid: Mom, what is my good finger? I know this one (holds up middle finger) is the bad finger.
Kid: Does a nutcracker crack nuts?
Kid: Do I have nuts?
Kid: So mom. I tried swimming with my underwear on under my swimming trunks. Never, never do that. It doesn’t work. Your underwear still gets wet.
Kid: Mom, did you know that Uncle Todd and Aunt Hannah want to have another baby?
Mom: How do you know that?
Kid: She told me on the trampoline, remember? She said, “stop beating me on the ovaries! Todd and I are not done having babies!” What are ovaries, mom? How do they help make babies?
Mom: Who knows. Your Aunt Hannah is crazy. She always says weird stuff.
Is your kid hilarious?
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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