Kate: Why does the pool have chlorine in it?
Me: It cleans the pool.
Kate: But why can’t you see it?
Me: It’s a powder that is mixed in. It turns the pool clear. That means it’s clean.
Kate: But I can’t see the powder.
Emma: KATE. She’s not a lifeguard. Quit asking so many questions.
Emma: Is Michael Jackson really dead?
Me: Yes. He died when you were like two.
Emma: What?! So no more new songs?!?!
Me: Hi Kate.
Kate: Don’t talk to me. Then I’ll have to talk to you and it makes my throat hurt.
Kate brings me a piece of candy.
Kate: Can I have this?
Me: No. You didn’t eat breakfast.
Kate: But I love you.
Me: But it’s junk.
Kate: I said I love you, mom.
Me: I love you too.
Kate: Can I have one?
I woke up Kate early for a neighborhood camp.
Me: Wake up!
Kate: UGGGGHHHHH. I don’t like mornings.
Me: I don’t either but you have to wake up for camp.
Kate: But I can’t move very fast. UGGGGHHHH.
I was working on my laptop. I can hear Kate playing behind me, but cannot see her.
Kate: Up, up.
I hear our lab, Bailey, get up off the floor. Kate comes riding across the room on Bailey’s back.
Me: KATE! You going to hurt Bailey! Get off her!
Kate: Yee-haw! Wooooooo! Giddy up, Bailey! Mommy is getting mad!
Me: Hey girls! Get your shoes on! We’re going to Taylor’s graduation party.
Kate: Uh, Taylor Swifts?
Me: No, Taylor my cousin.
Kate: Her name sounds like Taylor Swift.
Me: Kate, did you floss?
Kate: Yes. Don’t you see my floss on the floor?
Kate: Mom, is there such thing as fairies?
Emma: Of course not, Kate. Well, just Tinkerbell and the tooth fairy.
Kate: I was asking MOM. Mom, is there such thing as fairies?
Kate: I found this toy at the pool yesterday.
Me: So you took it?
Kate: I found it.
Me: You took it.
Kate: FOUND IT.
Me: You need to return it back to the pool lost and found. That is not yours to take home.
Kate: I found it.
Kate: I think dogs like all kinds of food.
Me: Yep, they do.
Kate: Except cat food.
I burped really loud. It was impressive, really.
Kate: GENIUS, MOM! How do you make a burp that big?
Scott: Emma, talk nicely to your sister.
Emma: Dad, I just can’t. She talks too loud.
I was driving the girls somewhere in the car.
Kate: Are we driving in circles?
Emma and Kate had a friend over. The girls made a chain link countdown strip (to their vacations) from pieces of paper.
Emma: Look what we made!
Friend: Aren’t these cool!
Me: I love them!
Emma: You should pin this on Pinterest.
Friend: Yes! Pin it.
Kate: Is Eric Church dead?
Emma: Of course not, Kate. He’s like 20.
It was raining one day.
Me: Girls, let’s go to the library.
Emma: I don’t like the library.
Me: Why not? It’s one of my favorite places!
Emma: But you have to give the books back and I don’t like that.
Emma and Kate had a sleep over at their friend’s house. The girls woke up in the morning.
Friend: Mom, can we get donuts?
Christine: No. I told you I wasn’t getting donuts today.
Friend: (Goes upstairs then back down to her mom) Emma said she would settle for Ihop.
Christine: Ihop? Does her mother take her to Ihop? You tell Emma that I can make anything from Ihop.
Friend: (Goes upstairs then back down to her mom) Emma said she gets the chocolate chip pancakes and strawberry syrup.
Christine: Ok. Got it. Tell those girls to come down and help me make Ihop.
(The girls come down and help)
Emma: You have strawberry syrup?
Christine: Yes, I do.
(Christine pours homemade strawberry syrup on her pancakes)
Emma: Yep, that’s the stuff. Thank you.
We took the girls out to eat for brunch on Father’s Day. We were waiting on our check.
Kate: Let’s play a game. It’s called the “Do not move” game.
Me: Ok. Let’s play.
Kate: Here are the rules – you can’t move or blink or make a funny face.
Me: Ok, got it.
Kate: Ready, set, GO! And don’t breathe.
Special Edition: Oh Kids.
Me: What happened to Jesus, the roly poly?
Kid: He died.
Me: Oh, that’s sad. Was it an accident?
Kid: I killed him.
Me: Did you accidentally kill him?
Kid: Accidentally on purpose.
Kid: Jesus is a butterfly now. Hey! Get Jesus off the ceiling! Get him off! Get him off!
The boys and I were driving. They always point out the K-State and KU stuff on cars.
Kid 1: I see K-State!
Kid 2: I hate K-State!
Mom: Your dad and I met at K-State. You wouldn’t have been born if it wasn’t for K-State.
Kid 2: Yes, I would. I’d just have different parents and a different family.
Kid 1: Make me a picture.
Kid 2: (annoyed) I’ll make you one when we get to Grammy’s. It’s not like we don’t live in the same house.
Kid: Daddy, this chocolate milk is effing atrocious.
Dad: Hey, where did you hear that word? Do you even know what it means?
Kid: It means I like the chocolate milk, right?
Dad: Well, no. That part, atrocious, means you don’t like it. I meant the other word.
Kid: Oh, then this milk is effing delicious.
I was looking at an old black and white photo from the 70s with my 7-year-old.
Kid: Was that when life was before color?
Dad: Yes. It was easy to get dressed then.
Is your kid hilarious?
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.