Me: Emma, tomorrow is chicken patty for lunch. Do you want hot or cold lunch?
Me: No! I thought you loved chicken patty!
Emma: Mom. The chicken patty is like super famous. The line takes too long. Cold lunch.
We went camping with our neighbors in the woods. We were sitting around the campfire after the sun set.
Kate: Uh, whoa. What happened to all the lights?
Kate: Do ticks go inside your ear?
Emma: No, Kate. Your earwax is really strong.
Kate: I think daddy got so many ticks on him because he was looking for marshmallows in the woods.
Kate: Why do ticks suck your blood?
Me: That is just what they eat. Like mosquitos. They eat blood too.
Kate: They need to find something else to eat.
Kate wakes me up the morning of her birthday.
Kate: Mommy! I’m 5 now!!
Me: I know!! Happy Birthday, my baby girl!!
Kate: Let’s call people so they can tell me Happy Birthday.
We took the girls to an amusement park for Kate’s birthday. We passed the merry-go-round.
Me: Do you girls want to go on that one?
Kate: Uh, I can ride faster than that on my bike. Pass.
We were secured on an amusement park ride. Scott had Emma in one car and I was with Kate in another.
Announcer: Please keep your hands and feet inside the cart at all times. Do not remove your seat belt or lap belt. Enjoy the ride.
Kate: AND DON’T DROP YOUR PHONES. THAT WOULD BE REALLY BAD, YOU GUYS.
Kate opened her birthday presents from us and my parents.
Kate: Where are all my other presents from rest of the family?
Me: You’ve gotten enough presents. You don’t need any more.
Kate: But it’s true love, mom.
Papa: Happy Birthday, Kate! What are you going to do today for your birthday?
Kate: Turn 5.
Kate: Boys have weird thingies down there.
Scott: When did you see a boy’s weird thingie?
Kate: Sometimes I peek at you when you go pee.
Scott: Stop watching me pee. And it’s called a penis. Girls have vaginas.
Kate: Oh. Still looks weird.
Kate: I would never stomp on a butterfly.
Me: Emma, can you sign this graduation card. You are the last one to sign.
I turn around and start doing dishes.
Emma: If..you..need any help..throwing some..panties..in college..let me know. Scott.
Me: AHH! And don’t read what daddy wrote! Just sign your name.
Me: Kate, go see what your dad is doing.
Kate: Which dad?
Me: GIRLS! You can’t color on the shower door with markers! Emma I know this was you.
Emma: It wasn’t me, mom! It was Kate!
Me: Don’t lie. Kate is not that good of an artist. This is too good. This is your work.
Emma: Mom. That is so rude to say about Kate.
Tyler Farr’s “Whiskey in my Water” came on the radio.
Me: Girls, you hear this guy singing right now?
Me: I went fishing with him. Remember that sailfish picture where I’m holding the sailfish? Tyler was with us.
Me: A couple months ago. I didn’t tell you?
Me: Yeah. Daddy and I took Tyler Farr fishing. And Brett was there.
Emma: Ohhhh. Brett was there. I was gunna say, mom. You don’t know any singers. You only fished with a singer because of Brett.
I drew a mermaid for Kate.
Kate: WOW! You’ll be a great artist when you grow up, mommy!
Kate: Good thing we haven’t died in the car yet.
Kate decided to wear pants on the day I took her shopping. It was in the 80s.
Me: Kate, you will be hot in those pants.
Kate: No, I won’t.
We shopped at an outdoor shopping place for a few hours.
Kate: I’M HOT!!
Me: I told you!
Kate: I’m hot on my forehead, not on my legs.
Me: Do you like this shirt or is it too babyish?
Emma: Too babyish.
Kate: Too popsicle-y.
I’m trying something different for this “Oh Emma, Oh Kate.” Since school has been out, I have been around a lot of kids. And these kids don’t disappoint. I wrote what they said in my presence because I love a good laugh.
I made limeades for the kids.
Me: Here is your limeade. Here is yours. And here is yours. Oh, I can cut up a lime. You want a lime wedge on the side?
Me: Ok, here are your lime wedges. Slide them right here on the side on your cup.
Kid: Uh, does this mean there’s alcohol in them now?
Me: You want to have a lemonade stand with us?
Me: But we have to wait until it gets really hot. People will buy more when it’s hot out. And they’ll feel sorry for you in the heat. We’ll make a killing, kids.
Kid: So like when it hits about 98, I’ll call you?
Emma: Mom! You got a new license plate for your new car!
Me: I know! Isn’t it cute? It’s a K-State one.
Kid: Uh, Miss Julie. My mom has something on her license plate too. But…uh, it’s another college. Another college you don’t like very much.
Me: Is it KU?
Kid: (whispers) Yes.
Me: That’s ok.
Me: What’s the name of your roly poly?
Kid: Is your car loud?
Me: No, not really.
Kid: Who bought it for you? Your dad or you?
Kid: Did your dad buy it for you?
Me: No! I bought the car.
Kid: Was it a lot of money?
Me: Yes. All cars are a lot of money.
Kid: Oh. I’m going to sit here and listen to your car when you leave. I want to see if it’s loud.
Me: Ok. Sit right there.
I get in my car and go backwards in the driveway. I wave.
Kid: (smiles really big)
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email them to me at: email@example.com
Your child’s name will be anonymous unless you write me permission to use their real first name.