Kate: My favorite color is red. Except when the battery turns red on my iPad.
Me: Kate, what do you want for breakfast?
Me: KATE. Breakfast. What do you want?
Me: Hello? Kate?
Kate: Ugh, I don’t feel like talking today.
Kate: What are you listening to?
Me: The name of the song? Roar. Do you like it?
Kate: I like the song but I don’t like the song name.
Kate and I were at a coffee shop. I was on my laptop, working. Kate was eating cottage cheese. We were the only ones sitting at a table. Two business men were in line. Kate farts, LOUD.
Business man: (looks at his friend)
Other business man: (looks at me)
Me: (nodded my head at Kate)
Kate: (smiles) ME!
I was picking up Kate from preschool. Kate was holding her teacher’s hand while a classmate was getting in his mom’s car in front of me.
Me: (wave and mouth, Hi Kate)
Kate: Puts two fingers up in a “V”. Places them under her eyes then snaps and points at me.
Me: (mouth drops)
Kate: Uh, daddy are you a boy or a girl?
Scott: A boy.
Our dog, Belle, came inside the house with her paws wet. Kate chased her with a paper towel.
Kate: I got a paper towel, mom. I’ll clean her paws for you.
Me: Thanks, Kate!
Kate: Or. Oh, no. I don’t have to. She jumped on the couch and that wiped them off.
We were having a few beers with some friends. Some of the moms were talking about beer.
Mom 1: What is that?
Mom 2: Redd’s apple ale. It’s just like Angry Orchard.
Mom 1: Oooo that sounds good. I like Angry Orchard.
Me: Woodchuck is good too.
Mom 2: Yeah, there’s no beer taste at all. Tastes like apple cider.
Kate: (whispers) Can I try some of that apple cider?
Kate: There’s no beer taste.
I found Kate’s baby book scattered all over the living room floor.
Me: KATE! Who got your baby book out?
Me: Ugh. He wasn’t supposed to do that. Hey, where’s your first hair cut hair?
Me: Kate Audrey. Where is your hair that was in a baggie?
Kate: I don’t want you to have my hair.
I was at Home Depot. I call Scott to ask him a question.
Emma: Hi mom.
Me: Hi Em. Let me talk to your dad.
Emma: Hey, where are you?
Me: Home Depot.
Emma: What are you getting there?
Me: Something for your dad. Hey, are you doing your homework?
Emma: Gotta go, mom. Bye!
The girls woke up to a dusting of snow in April.
Emma: (yelling from her bedroom window) AWWWW! COME ON! SNOW?! LOOKS LIKE GROUNDHOGS DAY OUT THERE!
Kate: Hey mom.
Kate: Uh oh.
Kate: Oh. It went out of my head.
Me: Did you forget what you were going to say to me?
Kate: Yeah, it went out.
The grocery store has a Jelly Belly dispenser. I let Kate pick out some Jelly Bellies if she’s good.
Me: Ok, you can pick two flavors.
Kate: Ok. The 4 I pick are….
Me: No. Two.
Me: Fine, 3.
Kate: Everyone in our family likes pickles except for Emma.
Kate: The dogs are the best eaters. They eat any kind of food I give them.
Kate: Here, I got this for you. (Pulls out a small toy from her mouth)
Me: Kate. Don’t put toys in your mouth.
Kate: You can dry it off with your shirt.
I opened Emma’s lunch box after school.
Me: Emma! You didn’t eat any of your lunch! Like just one bite!
Emma: Mom. You know, I just got to talkin’ with Reese and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t have time to eat my lunch.
We were leaving the gym.
Scott: Ok girls. Emma ride with me. And Kate ride with mommy. We’ll have a race home.
Kate: No, I’m riding with daddy too.
We were at the Royals game. It was the 4th inning.
Emma: (reading the scoreboard) So when’s halftime?
Emma: We live on a planet, Kate. That means we are aliens.
Kate: Uh, aliens are only on flying saucers.
Me: Emma, you pick your toenails exactly like your dad. You make the same face.
Kate: I pick my nose like my dad too.
Kate: Take a picture of this.
I was scanning radio stations in the car. I stopped on “Happy” by Pharrell Williams.
Me: (singing) “….clap along if you feel like a room without a roof….clap along if you feel that happiness is the truth…”
Kate: Change it!
Me: No! How do you not like this song?
Kate: I don’t like being happy. Change it!
Me: You are the human grumpy cat. (I change the station. “Say Something” by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera is playing) Hey Kate, do you like this song?
Kate: I love it. Leave it.
Me: Kate, go pick up the playroom.
Kate: Why, who’s coming over?
I took Kate shopping with me. I was trying on new bikinis in the changing room.
Kate: Why do you keep your underwear on when you try those on?
Me: Well, I don’t know if I’m going to buy it or not. So I leave my underwear on. It keeps germs from spreading.
Kate: Oh. I can’t wait until I’m a grown up and I don’t have to wear underwear.
Kate: Mommy, I love you.
Me: I love you too, baby. And I love the “Happy” song.
Kate: Mommy. No one likes the “Happy” song.
Kate: Mommy! I can see Tyler’s house from our backyard!
Me: I know! They’re so close!
Kate: We need to make a path right here (there is a patch of woods between our houses)
Me: I know. I told your dad and Tyler’s dad to make us a path. But no one listens to me.
Kate: Uh, but does Tyler’s mom listen to you?
Kate: Mom, can I have two cotton balls.
Me: Yeah, here you go.
Kate: Gotta put my boobies in. (stuffs her cotton balls in her shirt)
Kate: Ha! Did you think I was going to take off my nail polish with them?
Me: Hey Kate. Take a picture with this stuffed animal real quick.
Kate: Ok, but I’m not smiling.