Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Kate: My favorite color is red. Except when the battery turns red on my iPad.


Me: Kate, what do you want for breakfast?

Kate: …….

Me: KATE. Breakfast. What do you want?

Kate: ……..

Me: Hello? Kate?

Kate: Ugh, I don’t feel like talking today.


Kate: What are you listening to?

Me: The name of the song? Roar. Do you like it?

Kate: I like the song but I don’t like the song name.


Kate and I were at a coffee shop. I was on my laptop, working. Kate was eating cottage cheese. We were the only ones sitting at a table. Two business men were in line. Kate farts, LOUD.

Business man: (looks at his friend)

Other business man: (looks at me)

Me: (nodded my head at Kate)

Kate: (smiles) ME!


I was picking up Kate from preschool. Kate was holding her teacher’s hand while a classmate was getting in his mom’s car in front of me.

Me: (wave and mouth, Hi Kate)

Kate: Puts two fingers up in a “V”. Places them under her eyes then snaps and points at me.

Me: (mouth drops)

Kate: (laughs)


Kate: Uh, daddy are you a boy or a girl?

Scott: A boy.

Kate: Why?


Our dog, Belle, came inside the house with her paws wet. Kate chased her with a paper towel.

Kate: I got a paper towel, mom. I’ll clean her paws for you.

Me: Thanks, Kate!

Kate: Or. Oh, no. I don’t have to. She jumped on the couch and that wiped them off.


We were having a few beers with some friends. Some of the moms were talking about beer.

Mom 1: What is that?

Mom 2: Redd’s apple ale. It’s just like Angry Orchard.

Mom 1: Oooo that sounds good. I like Angry Orchard.

Me: Woodchuck is good too.

Mom 2: Yeah, there’s no beer taste at all. Tastes like apple cider.

Kate: (whispers) Can I try some of that apple cider?

Me: What.

Kate: There’s no beer taste.


I found Kate’s baby book scattered all over the living room floor.

Me: KATE! Who got your baby book out?

Kate: Daddy.

Me: Ugh. He wasn’t supposed to do that. Hey, where’s your first hair cut hair?

Kate: ……..

Me: Kate Audrey. Where is your hair that was in a baggie?

Kate: I don’t want you to have my hair.


I was at Home Depot. I call Scott to ask him a question.

Emma: Hi mom.

Me: Hi Em. Let me talk to your dad.

Emma: Hey, where are you?

Me: Home Depot.

Emma: What are you getting there?

Me: Something for your dad. Hey, are you doing your homework?

Emma: Gotta go, mom. Bye!


The girls woke up to a dusting of snow in April.

Emma: (yelling from her bedroom window) AWWWW! COME ON! SNOW?! LOOKS LIKE GROUNDHOGS DAY OUT THERE!


Kate: Hey mom.

Me: Yeah.

Kate: Uh oh.

Me: What?

Kate: Oh. It went out of my head.

Me: Did you forget what you were going to say to me?

Kate: Yeah, it went out.


The grocery store has a Jelly Belly dispenser. I let Kate pick out some Jelly Bellies if she’s good.

Me: Ok, you can pick two flavors.

Kate: Ok. The 4 I pick are….

Me: No. Two.

Kate: 3

Me: Fine, 3.


Kate: Everyone in our family likes pickles except for Emma.

Me: Yep.

Kate: The dogs are the best eaters. They eat any kind of food I give them.


Kate: Here, I got this for you. (Pulls out a small toy from her mouth)

Me: Kate. Don’t put toys in your mouth.

Kate: You can dry it off with your shirt.


I opened Emma’s lunch box after school.

Me: Emma! You didn’t eat any of your lunch! Like just one bite!

Emma: Mom. You know, I just got to talkin’ with Reese and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t have time to eat my lunch.


We were leaving the gym.

Scott: Ok girls. Emma ride with me. And Kate ride with mommy. We’ll have a race home.

Kate: No, I’m riding with daddy too.


We were at the Royals game. It was the 4th inning.

Emma: (reading the scoreboard) So when’s halftime?


Emma: We live on a planet, Kate. That means we are aliens.

Kate: Uh, aliens are only on flying saucers.


Me: Emma, you pick your toenails exactly like your dad. You make the same face.

Kate: I pick my nose like my dad too.


Kate: Take a picture of this.




I was scanning radio stations in the car. I stopped on “Happy” by Pharrell Williams.

Me: (singing) “….clap along if you feel like a room without a roof….clap along if you feel that happiness is the truth…”

Kate: Change it!

Me: No! How do you not like this song?

Kate: I don’t like being happy. Change it!

Me: You are the human grumpy cat. (I change the station. “Say Something” by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera is playing) Hey Kate, do you like this song?

Kate: I love it. Leave it.


Me: Kate, go pick up the playroom.

Kate: Why, who’s coming over?


I took Kate shopping with me. I was trying on new bikinis in the changing room.

Kate: Why do you keep your underwear on when you try those on?

Me: Well, I don’t know if I’m going to buy it or not. So I leave my underwear on. It keeps germs from spreading.

Kate: Oh. I can’t wait until I’m a grown up and I don’t have to wear underwear.


Kate: Mommy, I love you.

Me: I love you too, baby. And I love the “Happy” song.

Kate: Mommy. No one likes the “Happy” song.


Kate: Mommy! I can see Tyler’s house from our backyard!

Me: I know! They’re so close!

Kate: We need to make a path right here (there is a patch of woods between our houses)

Me: I know. I told your dad and Tyler’s dad to make us a path. But no one listens to me.

Kate: Uh, but does Tyler’s mom listen to you?


Kate: Mom, can I have two cotton balls.

Me: Yeah, here you go.

Kate: Gotta put my boobies in. (stuffs her cotton balls in her shirt)

Me: What.

Kate: Ha! Did you think I was going to take off my nail polish with them?


Me: Hey Kate. Take a picture with this stuffed animal real quick.

Kate: Ok, but I’m not smiling.

Perfect. They hate each other.
Perfect. They hate each other.



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