I’m mortified. Mortified.
I’m curled up in a ball with my hands over my face re-living what happened last night. And it’s all because of a pair of nipples.
Men, get over the nipples. We all have nipples.
But damn, I’m a good wife.
One key piece of information you need to know to understand how this all unraveled.
- Sunday morning – I went to my cousin’s baby shower. My aunt requested I turn on my camera phone flash because she wanted more light on the baby shower cake. I forgot to turn the flash back to my regular “off” position.
Sunday evening, I drove home after helping a friend address her wedding save-the-dates. It was dark. I blasted the music. The sunroof was open. I was high on life.
Scott called and asked me to pick up dinner for the kids.
I pulled up to the fast food place and ordered at the speaker. I pulled up to the window.
That will be $10.45
Here you go. (I hand her my card and she faced the cash register)
Whoa. NIPPLES. Why doesn’t she have a bra on? The nipples are at her belly button! Scott needs to see this. Seriously, I’m like the best wife ever. He’s lucky I’m in a good mood. He would appreciate a good nipple picture, even if they do brush the cash drawer at her waist. Where’s my phone…
I picked up my phone and clicked the side button to mute the camera noise.
I double checked to make sure the employee was preoccupied. I held the phone towards the window.
Oh God!! Oh God!!! Flash! NO! OH NO! THE FLASH!
I dropped the phone into my lap. The camera captured my face.
Did you just try to take a picture of me?
I stared at my lap. I did not make eye contact with her.
Uh. I, uh. I don’t know what happened. My finger must of hit…
You tried to take a picture of me. Here’s your food.
Um, uh. Thanks.
My tires squealed out of the parking lot. My car went flying out into the street toward our house. I stopped at a stop light. I called Scott. My hands were shaking.
Let me talk to your dad.
He wants to know what you want.
I need to talk to him.
He said to tell me.
I can’t. Put daddy on the phone.
Daddy! Mommy won’t tell me what she needs!
Scott. I’m going straight to hell.
I went through the drive thru and the employee didn’t have a bra on. Scott. Her nipples. Like BING! Straight out. And they were hanging low. Hitting the cash drawer. I tried to take a picture for you and MY FLASH GOES OFF.
(laughing) Wait, her nipples were hanging out of her shirt? You’re an amateur, turn off the flash!
No, wait. Scott. It’s worse. Then she asked me if I tried to take a picture of her! It was so obvious what I was doing. The damn flash went off in her face! I’m a terrible person. It’s hot in here.
(laughing) ARE YOU SERIOUS?
(laughing) I can’t drive. I’m so embarrassed. She knows my name and credit card number. I’m on a hit list.
Fast food places use a 3rd party to keep that information. You’re not on a hit list.
I’M NUMBER ONE ON THE LIST TO HELL. I just wanted to show you some nipples. That’s it. Nipples. That weren’t mine. You’re welcome.
Did you keep your eyes on the food? Did she EVER walk away to get your food. This is important. Think.
I don’t know. I don’t know. I stared at my lap. I think she had the food? I just keep seeing her nipples in my head. And then a flash. OH MY GOD. MY FLASH.
I can’t send you anywhere to get food!
I’m pulling in the driveway. I gotta go. Bye.