Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

I was emptying Emma’s piggy banks and putting the change into baggies. Emma walks in the room.

Emma: Ah, mommy! What are you doing?!

Me: I’m going to exchange your coins for bills.

Emma: But I’m saving up for a car!

___________

Me: Girls! Stop fighting! I can’t take all the fighting!!

Emma: Mom, it’s our dolls fighting! It’s not Kate and me!

___________

Me: Kate, go get dressed.

Kate: Help me.

Me: No. I’m working. Go bring me your clothes and I’ll help you.

Kate: You have two choices here. 1. Either go up and get me clothes or 2. Carry me upstairs and I’ll help you.

___________

Scott was playing Simon Says with Kate.

Kate: Simon says touch your arm! Simon says touch your nose! Touch your vagina!

Scott: I’m outta here.

___________

I was at my friend’s house with the girls.

Melanie: So are guys done with babies?

Me: Oh yeah.

Kate: She already has two babies! Me and Emma are her babies!

___________

Kate: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at old pictures of Emma and me. Here, look. Doesn’t Emma look like me?

Kate: Well, I didn't look funny as a baby.

Kate: Well, I didn’t look funny as a baby.

___________

I was clothing shopping for myself with Kate. I hold up a shirt against me.

Kate: Oh, that’s a cute shirt!

Me: You like it?

Kate: Yeah, but do you think it will be cute on you?

___________

Me: Kate, go get some socks.

Kate: (standing still with her arms out) I. Can’t. I. Am. Statue. Kate.

___________

I was in a waiting room at the vet’s office.

Me: Ah! Kate! Pull up your shirt! It’s hanging too low on your chest. Hurry up, before the vet walks in.

Kate: But I like it like that.

___________

Me: (in direction of both girls) You are so pretty today.

Emma: Thanks, mom!

Kate: I know, mom.

___________

We were turning down our street in the car, it was dark out.

Scott: Girls! LOOK! There’s two foxes in our yard!

Emma: Aw! They’re cute!

Me: Here, let me get a picture. Slow down.

Kate: WOW! Foxes ARE real!

___________

Emma was last to get out of the bathtub.

Scott: Emma, dry your legs off.

Me: Did you just tell her to dry her tits off?

Scott: HER LEGS.

Me: Oh. Ha!

Emma: WHAT!? Do I have ticks on me?

___________

We walked in the house after school. Kate took off her jacket.

Emma: AND MOM.

Me: What? What’s wrong?

Emma: And WHY is KATE wearing MY SHIRT.

___________

I was working on my laptop. Kate was coloring.

Kate: Mom, can you turn some music on?

Me: Yep.

Kate: I don’t like it when it’s peace and quiet in here.

___________

Kate: Mom, can I have a snack?

Me: No, we just ate.

Kate: Can I have a snack?

Me: I said no.

Kate: I really want a snack.

Me: Stop asking me or you’ll get in trouble.

Kate: Well, you’re not the dad. I only get in trouble with dad.

___________

The same night.

Kate: Dad, can I have some ice cream?

Scott: No, no more snacks. It’s bedtime.

Kate: Daddy, please?

Scott: No. Stop asking.

Kate: Well you’re not the mom.

___________

Kate had a meltdown at the hair stylist. She didn’t want her hair cut. I could really write a whole post on this episode alone.

Hair dresser (as we were leaving, Kate kicking and screaming): You look fabulous!

Kate: (screaming, high pitched) It’s stupid!

Me: KATE AUDREY. (I pay, apologize, cry and eventually drag her kicking and screaming butt across the street and into the car.) KATE. YOU WILL NOT GO TO DISNEY WORLD FOR THAT STUNT YOU PULLED.

Kate: (high pitched scream) DADDY ALREADY BOUGHT MY TICKET!!

(Emma is sitting next to her, laughing so hard she has tears streaming down her face.)

I really need a beer just re-writing this. Actually, yeah. I’m going to crack one open now.

___________

Me: Oh Emma, the older you get the more you look like me.

Emma: Uh, yeah but do I act like you?

___________

I was getting into shower.

Kate: I see your butt.

Me: I don’t care. I see your butt every night when you take a bath.

Kate: But your butt is bigger.

___________

Me: Aw, yay! Girls! Aunt JJ just texted me. Gabby pooped in the potty today!

Emma: Good job, Gabby!

Kate: Can I see the picture of her pooping?

___________

I caught a cold for a few days.

Kate: How did you get sick, mommy?

Me: I don’t know, baby. Germs somewhere.

Kate: Probably the dirt under your fingernails.

___________

I dropped off Emma at school in the morning.

Kate: Mommy, turn the music louder.

Me: Ugh. Ok. Just a little bit. It’s too early for music.

Kate: Louder.

Me: Ugh.

Kate: LOUDER.

Me: No more.

Kate: I LIKE MY MUSIC LOUD!

___________

Kate: Mommy, my butt itches.

Me: Go wipe again.

Kate: No.

Me: Go get me toilet paper and I’ll wipe you then.

Kate: No. (She falls to the rug and butt scoots across)

Me: (mouth drops)

Kate: That’s better.

___________

We went out to eat at a restaurant.

Me: Scott, I think last time we were here, Emma was just a baby.

Kate: Hey! Where was I at?

Emma: You weren’t here, Kate. You weren’t even in mommy’s tummy. Gone. Poof. No Kate.

Kate: EM-MAAAAAAA!!

___________

Kate: Hey mom. If I look at something bright, like the sun, it makes my eyes water.

Me: Please, don’t look at the sun.

Kate: I like looking at the sun. I like my eyes burning.

___________

Kate: Guess who I love?

Me: Mommy.

Kate: No.

Me: Daddy.

Kate: No.

Me: Emma.

Kate: No.

Me: Nina, Nana, Funny Papa, Papa…

Kate: No, no, no, no.

Me: Who do you love?

Kate: No one. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so I love no one.

___________

Scott: How are my sweeties this morning?

Emma: Good.

Kate: Bad.

___________

I was in the car with the girls. Emma was playing on my phone.

Me: Hey Emma, if I get a text let me know. I’m waiting on someone to text me back.

Emma: That’s not going to happen.

Me: Why?

Emma: That would be texting and driving, mommy. I can’t let you do that.

Me: (whispering) Damnit.

Emma: Daddy got put on the naughty list for texting and driving by Santa. I just don’t want you to be put on the naughty list this year.

___________

Scott was eating Chipotle.

Kate: Can I have a bite?

Scott: Yep, here you go.

Kate: I don’t want that chicken.

Scott: It’s steak.

Kate: I don’t want that kind of chicken.

___________

Scott and I were watching K-State play UT. A Texas player was getting ready to shoot a free throw.

Emma: Make it!

Scott: What did you say?

Emma: Make it!

Scott: Emma, Texas has the ball.

Emma: Oh. What? I was talking to Kate about making a craft. Why would you think I want Texas to have any points?

___________

Scott: Look outside girls! It’s snowing again!

Kate: Ha! That groundhog. What a funny guy.

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