Bloggers, you already know this –
Non-bloggers, you most likely do not know this: I can see what you google to get to my blog.
It’s not just my website but it’s every website. We can see your google search terms after you click our link. I didn’t know this until I started paying attention to my stats page.
And now I feel like a spy for the CIA.
I have no way of seeing who googles these search terms. Oh, but I wish I did. I have some things to say to the people that landed on my blog by google search inquiries:
Is Brett Cannon from Killin’ It Outdoors married? This is one of my top search engine terms. Brett is one of our best friends. Of course I’m going to write about him showing up at our house unannounced with deer estrous seeping from his pores. To answer your question – no, Brett is not married. Oh, hi Brett.
Is Kenny Chesney circumcised? Whoa, whoa. I met Kenny once in college. We chit chatted and it wasn’t about what’s inside his pants. I didn’t even know who he was. I got his autograph for Scott. That is all I know, people.
Monkey with no paw – That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. How would it swing in the trees? Wait, I just googled this. It’s not paws. It’s hands. They have hands. Google should have autocorrected this for you.
Best swimsuits for muffin tops – Isn’t the definition of a muffin top when your stomach spills over the top of your bottom piece? So in order to avoid the muffin top, I’m going to go with “a one piece – for the win”. Am I right?
Pants under my dress – Oh, I know this one. Those are called hot pants. I own several pairs. I wear them to weddings or nights out when I know dancing, dresses and alcohol are involved. My younger sister, Jenna, told me about them years ago. It is the best advice I’ve ever gotten. Flip me! Weeeee! And get low, low, low, low…
Kansas City Jayhawks – You have this all wrong.
Wildcat peeing on a Jayhawk – Kinda funny. Mostly disturbing. But smarter than the Kansas City Jayhawks guy.
What does it mean when teenagers say I’m going to moon you? Really? This is just common knowledge. You must be a child jacking around on google. Get off the internet and go ask your parents. You won’t get in trouble. And please, don’t give out private information on the internet – that includes where you live and where you go to school. Don’t talk to anyone. They’re all liars.
Can you walk into parking lot of Arrowhead with a beer? Yes. It’s one of the best places to tailgate in the world. They’ll make you dump your beer before you go inside the stadium. Chug. Fast. It’s like $10 a beer once you’re inside. And I hope you’re wearing red.
Auntie Julie legs – Hm. What about them? If this is some kind of sexual thing, you are out of luck – they need to be shaved. It’s cold out.
Picture of Tupac and his mother – Uh, I don’t remember writing about Tupac. But here you go?
Lungs hurt after rugged maniac – I have never ran the Rugged Maniac but Scott did. My lungs hurt when I run too. It’s like they turned the oxygen off, right? I don’t even smoke! Do your sides hurt too? How is this even fun? I would suggest you start lifting weights every day as your way of working out. Actually, don’t listen to me. I’m not smart enough to be your doctor. No muffin top though.
How to poop without your butt cheeks slapping – Hold on for a sec ………. Ok. I totally screen shot this search engine term on my phone and sent it to every person I know. I have no answer for this but thanks for the laugh.
“I clogged the toilet” husband – Welcome to Bug Bytes!
Keep Kleenex by the bed – This was the best piece of advice from my grandmother on my wedding day. Welcome to Bug Bytes!
Girl Mahi fishing 2013 – Oh. Ok, here you go.
Tiny bugs on toilet seat – Ew. How do you even have internet access? Just dump bleach on everything. Then go take a shower or something.
Kids naked – All joking aside, this is a real search term. What kind of person are you? No, I know exactly what kind of person you are. You are lucky I am not the CIA because I would be beating your face into the concrete after I kicked your balls into your stomach. Then I’d handcuff you, YOU SICK PERVERT. I lift weights with Scott every day and we would gladly show you how strong we are. Get off my blog, NOW. Scott, how do I open your gun safe? How do I apply for the CIA? How do I hide a dead body? You people will get caught one day. Someone get me Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC on the phone. Take my computer and FIND THEM. We can see what you are googling. We all can.
I should really work for the CIA. Or FBI. What’s the difference? I should google that.