Me: What are you looking at?
Scott: Boats. We should get a boat.
Me: No, Scott.
Scott: Girls! Do you want to get a boat?
Emma: No. You will drive too fast then I’ll die then I’ll be an angel then I’ll never see Nana anymore.
Kate tells us who gets to put her to bed every night by pointing to Scott or me.
Scott: Ok, Kate. Who gets to put you to bed?
(points to me)
Kate: Daddy, I’m not pointing to you until Valentine’s Day. Don’t ask.
Me: Hey give me one of those Jelly Bellies.
Kate: Ok. You like tooty fruity?
Kate: Tooty. Like a fart from your butt.
I rescheduled my bikini wax appointment because I made other plans. I hung up the phone.
Emma: Who were you talking to?
Me: No one.
Emma: Was it a doctor?
Emma: But who was it?
Me: Don’t worry about it.
Emma: Tell us.
Kate: Mommy, are you sick?
Kate: Who were you talking to?
Me: Oh my gosh. It was a wax place.
Emma: A wax appointment?
Me: Yes. Go play.
Emma: For what?
Me: Hair. They take hot wax and remove hair by yanking it out. It’s just easier than shaving. Ok? Done. Go play.
Emma: But your legs are smooth.
Me: Not that hair.
Emma: What hair then?
Me: Are you going to leave me alone?
Me: Right here, girls. RIGHT HERE. GOOD BYE.
(they run off, giggling)
Me: Emma, will you turn on the fireplace?
Emma: Uh, no.
Scott: Emma, did you hear your mom?
Emma: Dad. She said WILL you not CAN you.
Kate was trying to work her hula hoop with her hips.
Me: Kate, I think your hula hoop is broke. It’s bent.
Kate: It feels good.
I was laying down with Emma in her bed before she went to sleep.
Me: You are so pretty, Emma.
Emma: Thanks. I look like you.
Me: You do look like me when I was little.
Emma: But why do I look like you?
Me: Because every one has traits from their mom and from their dad. Sometimes kids look more like one parent than the other.
Emma: But what about Kate? She doesn’t look like daddy or you. And we have the same mommy and daddy.
Me: Hm. No, she doesn’t. Hmmm….
Me: Burrrr. Girls, it’s negative 30 right now with wind chill.
Emma: What does that mean?
Me: Ok. So when it’s 32 degrees outside, that’s called “freezing.” If you put a glass of water outside, it will be cold enough to freeze. It feels like 30 degrees below zero. Here, get me a piece of paper.
Emma: No, I get it. It’s super cold.
Me: Your dad.
Emma: What. What did he text you?
Me: He’s worried about all his deer on the farm he hunts on. He’s scared they won’t survive the cold.
Emma: Why is he scared? We shoot them anyway.
Me: Kate, will you feed Bailey? (our dog)
Kate: I fed her.
Me: Did she have any food left?
Kate: I fed her the same I fed her last night.
Me: How much was that? Two scoops?
Kate: Nothing. She has nothing left.
I was waiting for Emma to get out of school. I was parked in the school parking lot with Kate. She was sitting in the front seat, playing with radio buttons.
Kate: Which button fast forwards commercials?
I was in the car line, dropping off Emma at school. Emma and Kate were farting in the car. I stop the car and Emma gets out and shuts the door. She waves at us as she’s walking into the school.
Kate: Ha! Her fart is still on her. She’ll stink in the school.
Kate walks up to me, her lips pressed together.
Me: What are you doing?
Kate: Try to guess if my tongue is moving or not. (Presses lip together again)
My mother-in-law (Nana) took Kate to the gas station to get gas.
Kate: What was that man saying to you, Nana?
Nana: He told me he thought I was pretty! Isn’t that funny?
Kate: Uh, and why didn’t he say I was pretty?
Nana: Emma, do you want to get married one day?
Emma: No, I don’t want to get married. That means I would be a mom. And that will hurt too much when my kid comes out.
Nana: Look at this picture your mommy just sent me! She’s next to a hammerhead shark!
Kate: EW! That’s gross.
Emma: WOW! What kind of bait did they use to get it?
I was pulling out of our driveway with Kate.
Me: Seatbelt, sweet thang.
Kate: I know, poop head.
Emma: Mom, what’s the worst dream you’ve ever had?
Me: Hmmm…I’m not sure. Maybe I was drowning?
Kate: I had a bad dream my iPad broke.
I woke up Emma for school.
Me: (whispering) Wake up, boo. Time for school. Here, put this on.
Emma: (whispering) Ok. Do I have PE today?
Kate: (standing at the door) UH, WHY ARE YOU GUYS WHISPERING?
Me: Because it’s the morning. Go brush your teeth.
Kate: You don’t need to whisper, mom.
Me: Kate, I’m almost ready for the gym. I need to pee first then we’ll go.
Kate: (busts open the door, flushes the toilet while I’m still sitting) You’re done. Let’s go.
Me: Hey, girls. Lets go get some ice cream since daddy is out of town.
Emma: UGH. KATE! Why did you have to mention ice cream to mommy earlier? Now she’s going to drag us there again. Just eat your own ice cream here, mom!
Kate: Can I have a snack?
Me: No, we just had a lunch.
Kate: Fine. I’ll just sneak one later.
I was watching Disney World rides on YouTube with the girls.
Emma: How do roller coasters work?
Me: Uh, well…it’s called kinetic energy. I think. It stores energy while going up and releases energy when going down.
Emma: Oh. Well how does it go up? Someone pushing them from the back or something?
Emma: Mom, who is your favorite teacher?
Me: Her name is Mrs. Bainbridge. I had her in 2nd and 5th grade. I got her twice! Isn’t that funny?
Emma: What does she look like?
Me: She’s super pretty. Well, actually I’m friends with her Facebook. I’ll show you. (I pull up her profile and enlarge it. She is standing next to the KU Jayhawks’ mascot)
Emma: (smiles) Oh. She looks like a nice teacher.
Kate: Let me see! EW! Mom! Your teacher likes KU! She’s not my favorite teacher.
We had dinner and drinks at our friends’ house down the street. Scott told the girls it was time to go. They went into meltdowns about leaving their friends. We got them in the car.
Scott: You two are both grounded. You are too old to be acting like that, Emma! You are both not allowed to play with your friends the rest of the weekend.
Emma: (crying, red-faced) You can’t ground me! I’m too young to be grounded like that!
Scott: Fine. No iPads the rest of the weekend.
Emma: (tears stopped, calm face) Ok, fine.
Emma: DAD! Kate spit on me! Ask her! Ask her if she spit on me! And if she says no then she’s lying.