Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Kate: We don’t eat cockroaches, right mom?

__________

Kate was showing me a picture of her drawing. She had an open marker in her hand.

Me: I love it, Kate! Oh. Watch out with that marker. Don’t mark the couch.

Kate: Wow. You really like this couch.

__________

I was using the restroom. Kate busts in.

Kate: I need to use the bathroom. You have two seconds. Want me to count for you?

__________

Me: Will you go sit on Santa’s lap?

Kate: No. I’m too scared.

Me: He wants to hear what you want.

Kate: Will you tell him I want all the commercials. And I won’t smile for him.

__________

Kate: Mommy, my hair gets brown when I get in the bathtub.

Me: Yep, the water makes it look darker than it is.

Kate: And the sink water too.

Me: Yep.

Kate: And the toilet water.

__________

Emma: Uh, Kate. I can see your little boobies.

__________

Kate: WOW! That bird is a great flyer!

__________

I was looking through Kate’s backpack. She learned about Christmas all around the world.

Me: Aw, Kate! Did you learn about Christmas in Mexico?

Kate: Yeah. It’s pretend.

__________

Kate: Mommy, what is your favorite food?

Me: Mexican food.

Kate: No, at home! What is your favorite food at home?

__________

Me: Emma, did you hear that man’s accent? He has an Australian accent!

Emma: What is an accent?

Me: You know what an accent is. I don’t know…it’s like…like when someone from another country speaks English with an accent.

Emma: Mom. Don’t use accent in the definition. I don’t understand that.

__________

Kate: What’s this song called?

Me: My Wish by Rascal Flatts.

Kate: Oh. Sounds like my itch.

__________

Scott: One day! There was a beautiful princess named Kate…

Kate: I’m not listening to you.

__________

I picked up Kate from school.

Me: Hi Kate! I’m going to drop you off at Nina’s house.

Kate: Ok, I want a taco first.

Me: No, not today. I have to meet daddy at work so we can take a doctor out to lunch. I don’t have time to stop anywhere right now.

Kate: Ugh! Let me drive then. Pull over.

__________

Emma: Can I play with your computer?

Me: No. I’m working.

Emma: Mom. I know what Facebook is. You are not working.

__________

Emma: Kate, what is one plus one?

Kate: Uh…

Emma: T-W-O. What does that spell, Kate? You know this.

Kate: It spells Kate.

__________

Scott: No more meltdowns, Kate. We will leave the store right now if you do that again.

Kate: We’ll see.

__________

We were putting ornaments up on the tree. Kate pulls out the dried flower petal ornaments.

Kate: EW! What are these ornaments?

Scott: They’re dried flowers from our wedding. My grandma put them inside an ornament. Isn’t that cool?

Kate: These are ugly!! I’m not hanging these on the tree.

__________

Scott: Aw, look at this ornament! It says Scott, Julie, Emma – Christmas 2007.

Kate: Grrrrrrrrrr. I don’t like that ornament.

__________

I was watching Titanic on TV. The girls walk in to see what I’m doing.

Me: Emma, have you learned about the Titanic in school yet?

Emma: No. What’s that?

Me: It was a huge ship that went from England to the United States. They said it was unsinkable. But it hit an iceberg and sank. A lot of people died. It happened a long time ago and the ship is still sitting on the bottom of the ocean.

Emma: Oh.

Kate: Uh, did they speak Spanish on there?

__________

Me: Kate! We’re going out for lunch with a new neighbor friend today! She has a little boy that will be in your kindergarten class!

Kate: Oh yeah! I was thinking about him!

Me: Oh, no you haven’t met him yet.

Kate: But I think about my kindergarten class all the time.

__________

Me: Emma, did you give your teacher her Christmas present?

Emma: Yes. She loves it. She had me open it with her and had me read the card. (The card said Why do we have to grow up? – Walt Disney. I wrote thank you for helping Emma grow as a student even though a part of me is sad to see Emma grow up.) She told me she doesn’t like kids growing up either. Why do you guys not like us growing up?

Me: Well, because one day you won’t be our kids.

Emma: Why? Because we will grow up and die?

Me: OH MY GOSH, EMMA! No! Because you will be adults!

Emma: But mom. When I’m an adult, I’m still your kid.

__________

Me: Hey Kate! Lets go put out the reindeer food from your preschool! (oatmeal and red glitter)

Kate: Yeah!!! So the deer will eat it and daddy can shoot them. I don’t want Santa in my house.

__________

I took Emma, Kate and their friend, Reese, out for ice cream. I texted a picture to Reese’s mom of the 3 of them making a funny face. Reese threw a hand sign up. After we left the ice cream place, Emma took my phone to play games in the car.

Emma: Oh! Mom, Reese’s mom texted you back. What’s a thug?

Me: What. What’d she say?

Emma: What is up. With my daughter. Being a thug.

Reese: Did my mom call me a thug? What’s a thug?

__________

Kate was falling asleep next to my pregnant sister. Kate had an arm wrapped around Jessica’s stomach. The baby kicked Kate’s hand. Kate jumped.

Jessica: It’s ok! The baby kicked you! She likes you.

Kate: Why does she like me? But she can’t see me!

__________

Emma asked me what mistletoe was earlier in the week. We were at Target and they had some fake mistletoe displayed.

Me: Emma. This is what mistletoe looks like. This is fake. Most people have fake mistletoe that they hang to kiss under. The real mistletoe is very poisonous to animals if they eat it.

Emma: So it’s kind of like poison ivy or spiders.

Me: Yeah, something like that.

Kate: Or Santa. He’s poisonous.

Emma: Kate! No! Why would you say that? Santa is a nice guy.

__________

My mom: Kate, what did you do today at your house?

Kate: Oh, nothing. Kinda boring day.

My mom: You didn’t do anything fun?

Kate: Well, daddy cut Emma’s deer head off. That’s it.

__________

Me: KATE! What is this?! Why did you poke holes in everyone’s eyes! This is a pretty picture for your room!

Because we're all monsters.

Kate: Because we’re all monsters.

__________

I was taking the Christmas stuff down in my house. I was singing Christmas songs while I was packing up things. Emma started singing with me. Then Scott started singing.

Kate: Everyone! Stop singing those songs! IT’S OVER! CHRISTMAS IS OVER!

__________

I was in Home Depot with the girls. Kate walks in front of me. She turns around and starts to walk backwards.

Kate: Pick me up!

Me: No way. You’re getting too big to carry. You need to walk.

Kate: (speed walks backwards) Hurry up and pick me up before I hit something and fall. I can’t see where I’m going!

__________

I was just waking up when I heard Scott making the girls breakfast in the kitchen.

Scott: (singing, from the movie Enchanted) I’ve been dreaming of a true love’s kiss….

Kate: I’ve been dreaming of big butts. Haaaaa!

__________

Emma wrote all over her bedroom window with her new “window” pens. She wrote music lyrics. I went on a cleaning spree and cleaned her lyrics off. I walked up to her window that night to shut her window blinds. I found a note written on the window:

Dear Mom, that was rude. Love, Emma.

__________

Emma: Mom, when all my friends were here last night, Kate opened up my underwear drawer and said “and here’s Emma’s underwear. Haaa!”

Me: Emma, everyone has underwear.

Emma: Mom, it’s embarrassing.

Me: It really shouldn’t be. Everyone has underwear drawers.

Emma: Well then Kate took them to your closet and showed them your underwear drawer too.

Me: Wait, what.

14 thoughts on “Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

    • ksujulie says:

      Thanks! They’re much funnier to me when I write them later. Not as funny at the time b/c I’m usually in shock about Kate’s attitude. 🙂

      Like

    • ksujulie says:

      I used to work at a day care in high school. I remember a mom telling me she started writing down what her son said. I always remembered that and started documenting Emma since she was about 2. It’s amazing how much you forget…I’ll read those from years ago and find I completely forgot some of the things she said – which makes it that much funnier. 🙂

      Like

  1. dusterbed says:

    “Pull over. Let me drive.” PRICELESS!!!
    That and the underwear drawer…. I love your family! WE’RE ALL MONSTERS!!!!!
    BWAHAHAHAHAHA

    Like

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