Scott: What do you want to be when you grow up, Emma?
Emma: An artist.
Kate: Mommy, what are you going to be?
Me: Wait, what.
Kate: I want to be nothing like mommy.
Kate: I’m drawing a picture with a bloody face.
Emma: Kate. It’s not Halloween anymore.
Kate: Where does honey come from?
Emma: Honey comes from bees. Bees make the honey. Then a person comes and takes the honey from them and puts it in a bottle.
Emma: Or maybe a bear.
Emma: When papa and daddy get back home, can they take us to the bookstore?
Me: Daddy will want to watch the K-State game. He won’t take you.
Emma: I’ll just have papa take me. He does anything I ask.
Scott: Do you like my beard?
Me: Yes. I love it. You look older and manly.
Emma: I like it too, daddy.
Kate: I don’t. Shave it off.
Scott: Why don’t you like it?
Kate: You look weird.
I was pulling out of the driveway with Kate.
Kate: Our house never catches on fire, right mom?
Kate: Will you make me a cinnamon pretzel?
Me: No. We just ate lunch. I’m not making you something else.
(Kate leaves the room and comes back to me. She throws a package of almonds and an empty bowl on my lap.)
Kate: Here. I brought this so you don’t have to get up. Open this.
I was going through Chick-Fil-A’s drive thru with Kate. I was getting ready to order.
Kate: Will you ask them for another toy? I don’t like their coloring books.
Me: No. You get what you get.
(I start ordering. I hear Kate’s window go down.)
Me: Yeah, that’ll be it.
Speaker: Ok, your total is $7.35. Please pull ahead to the window.
Kate: HEY! GET ME A BETTER TOY! I DON’T WANT…..
(I roll her window up.)
Kate’s preschool teacher: (laughing) Julie, I have to tell you what Kate did last Friday.
Me: Oh no. What.
Teacher: The class watched a play on the stage here, Peter Pan. The whole time Kate is whispering to me and the other teacher, asking when it would be over. We told her it would be soon and to just watch. When we took the kids back to the classroom, we asked what their favorite part of the play was. Over all the other kids, Kate shouts – “THE! END!”
Me: What? Oh no!
Teacher: The teachers and I couldn’t stop laughing. I mean she yelled over everyone.
I told Scott what Kate did at school later that night. Emma and Kate were in the room and overheard the story.
Emma: Well, Kate, what part of the play did you like? What made you happy? Did you see anything cool on stage?
Kate: I liked watching them fly.
Emma: Well, there’s your favorite part! Kate, you don’t need to shout, “the end.”
I was working in the living room. Kate comes downstairs with just a shirt on.
Me: What are you doing?
Kate: It’s no pants day.
Kate comes up to me and puts her hands in my mouth. She lifts up my lip to look at my teeth. I back my head up.
Me: What are you doing?
Kate: Commercial said coffee stains your teeth. You need to brush your teeth with toothpaste. You drink too much coffee, mom.
I got the class directory in Kate’s backpack. I glanced at her class list.
Me: Kate, you have a lot of boys in your class.
Kate: Yeah. They’re little boys.
Kate: Mommy, when you cry does your eyes sweat?
I made pigs in a blanket for dinner one night. I look at Kate’s plate.
Me: Kate! You just ate the crescent roll!
Kate: I don’t want the pig.
Kate: (yelling from upstairs) MOM! I’M TRYING TO WIPE AND BELLE (our dog) IS LICKING MY BUTT!
Me: Emma, did you pack for Nana and Papa’s house?
Emma: Yeah, but only two outfits. Nana will just take me shopping for new clothes.
Scott and I woke up to Kate in bed with us. Kate farts in her sleep. Scott wakes up and looks at Kate. With her eyes still closed, she lifts up her hand and points in Scott’s direction.
Kate: (eyes still closed, whispering) I farted and it went that way.
I was watching Home Alone with the girls.
Emma: Why is he happy to be home alone?
Me: I think he just likes being able to do whatever he wants.
Emma: Why is he screaming after he puts that stuff on his face?
Me: It’s aftershave. It probably burns him.
Kate: Uh….why are his mom’s eyes blue?
Me: Ugh, Kate. You need to brush your teeth. Your breath stinks.
Kate: Thank you.
Me: Emma! Cierra is coming over our house after school today. She’s bringing Layla. You guys can play while Cierra and I make cookies.
Emma: Why are you making cookies?
Me: Cierra and I make Christmas cookies every year. This is the only day we could do it this year.
Emma: You mean to tell me you guys make cookies every 365 days?
It was the morning of my birthday. I woke up to Kate in bed with me. She was playing games on my phone.
Me: Hi. Do you know what today is?
Kate: Your birthday.
Me: Oh. What do you say to me?
Emma walks in.
Me: Do you know what today is?
Emma: Your birthday, of course! Happy Birthday, mommy!
Me: Kate, Emma told me happy birthday.
I made the girls breakfast. The girls started fighting.
Me: Hey! Knock off the fighting. It’s my birthday and I don’t want to hear it.
Emma: Oh great, Kate. She’s going to be EXTRA bossy today because it’s her birthday.
Emma: What’s your favorite color, Kate?
Kate: All the colors in the rainbow!
Emma: Do you like pink?
Kate: Yes. I love pink.
Emma: Pink is not in the rainbow, Kate.
We were spending Thanksgiving weekend at my in-laws. Kate was sitting next to her Uncle Mark.
Kate: (whispers in Mark’s ears) I have to fart. Who should I fart on?
Mark: (laughing) Papa.
Kate gets up and sits on Papa and farts. She points at Papa’s face.
Kate: The smell went that way.