Emma: What are you writing about?
Me: The funny things you and Kate say. People read them on my website.
Me: Oh, lots of people. Almost everyone we know. And lots of people I don’t know. But they like reading about you and Kate, especially the funny things you say.
Emma: Oh. Well, here’s something you can write down for the people: Tell them I said my mom farts a lot.
I was helping Kate put her shoes on before school.
Kate: (whispers) These are my fast shoes. I’m faster than the boys.
Me: Girls, who is your favorite singer?
Emma: Miranda Lambert!
Kate: Taylor Swift!
Emma: Mom, she’s lying. Kate just says Taylor Swift because she just learned Taylor Swift’s name. Anytime she figures out who someone is then that is her favorite.
I was going through Emma’s homework. She drew pictures of food in each food group. In the “protein” group, she drew a cup with a straw.
Me: Emma, why did you draw a drink in the protein group? Protein is usually meat.
Emma: Mom! It’s a protein shake!
I was putting Emma’s zombie makeup on before school.
Emma: Zombies aren’t real, mom. They just, like, come up from the grave after they died.
Me: Kate, your eyes look tired.
Kate: But I can’t see my eyes.
Kate: ARRRGGGGGGGGGGG (most miserable whiney noise. She was rolling on carpet)
Scott: What are you whining about?
Kate I NEEEED ICE CREEEEAAAAAAM. ARRRRGGGGGGGGGG
Scott: (to me) That’s your daughter.
Emma: How old do you have to be to hunt?
Scott: Well, I don’t think there’s a law for that. It just depends on how mature a kid is. They also have to be with their parent.
Kate: Daddy, how old are you?
Kate: You have to be 32, Emma.
Scott: Girls, look at all the beautiful trees.
Me: The colors are so pretty!
Emma: They’re just leaves, you guys.
Scott: Oh great, we’ve reached old people status.
Me: Kate, go play with your dad.
Kate: But he’s making me a boy.
I took the girls out for ice cream. The ice cream store was full of people, but it was quiet. We find a table and sit down. Kate stands back up.
Kate: UGH! MY BUTT ITCHES! GO GET ME SOME TOILET PAPER! (crams her hands down her pants)
I was making breakfast for the girls before they went to school. Scott walks in kitchen.
Kate: Daddy, why doesn’t mommy talk in the mornings?
I took the dogs to the vet for shots. I let Kate go into the reception area while I was in the exam room. She wanted to look at the kittens for sale. The kittens were in a cage.
Kate: (runs back into exam room) Mommy! Mommy! Do I have a mark on my face?
Me: It’s a little red. What happened?
Kate: (laughing) Oh. If you put your face really close to the kittens they will take their paw and scratch your face. Watch!
Kate: Will you pause the TV? I gotta go to the bathroom.
Me: It’s a commercial, just go. I don’t need to pause it.
Kate: No, I’m looking for Christmas presents! Pause it!
Scott: This is my favorite time of year! I love the deer rut!
Emma: What is a deer rut?
Me: Yes. Please, Scott. Tell them what the rut is.
Scott: Uh…well. It’s when the boy deer chase their girlfriends around.
Emma: Why do they chase them?
Me: Go on, Scott.
Scott: Because they want to marry their girlfriends. And then they’ll have babies.
Kate: They just make babies. Deer don’t get married.
Me: What should Aunt JJ and Uncle Scott name their baby girl?
Emma: Ugh. Don’t make another Kate.
It was 7 am and I was still sleeping. Kate busts in our room and puts her face in my face.
Kate: You have 15 minutes to get up and make me chocolate milk.
I was doing laundry.
Kate: What are you doing?
Me: Laundry. But I’m trying to hurry because we have to leave to pick up Emma from school.
Kate: (runs off then appears again) I check the clock, mommy. We have time. It’s ninety forty one twenty.
Me: Kate, what should I put on your Christmas wish list?
Kate: For like the real Christmas?
Kate: I found a bow. It’s Gabby’s (cousin).
Me: How do you know it’s Gabby’s?
Kate: It smells like her head. Smell it.
I was driving in the car with the girls. We passed a skunk smell.
Me: Ugh, skunk.
Kate: Why does a skunk stink?
Emma: They have a powerful fart, Kate.
Kate: What’s that right there? (Points to a scar I have in between my upper lip and nose)
Me: It’s a scar.
Emma: Her and Aunt JJ were fighting when they were little. Aunt JJ bit mommy there and now there’s a scar.
Kate: Uh, didn’t you have a mom?
Me: Emma, if anyone at your school asks you if you have a Veteran in the family, you can tell them about Great Grandpa. Daddy’s grandpa. He was in the Navy.
Emma: What is the Navy?
Me: Navy is water. He fought for our country under water, in a submarine!
Emma: Who did he fight?
Me: Anyone attacking our country in the water. He protected our country.
Emma: Did the bad guys attack the animals? Like what about all the dolphins and whales? And fish! Did Grandpa protect them too?