Me: Kate! Did you have fun at preschool? What did you do?
Kate: I told the class how to spell my name!
Me: You did?! High five!
Kate: YES! K-A-T-E! And then I said I know my garage code too! (censor)-(censor)-(censor)-(censor)-ENTER! High five, mom!
Kate: Can I play with your phone?
Me: Yep. Here you go.
Kate: Thanks. I’m farting right now.
I was coloring a picture with Emma. I wrote “Emma” is pretty cursive. Then I wrote “Kate”.
Kate: What does that say?
Me: Emma and Kate.
Kate: Don’t write my name! Put an X on it!
I was in the car, flipping radio stations.
Emma: Hey wait! Stop! Good song! Rolling Stones, mom!
Scott gave the girls his old walkie talkies. Kate ran upstairs with one. Emma was in living room with us.
Kate’s voice: I’m going to bed. Good night.
Emma: (singing) “Twinkle, twinkle little star! How I wonder…”
Kate’s voice: STOP, I’M NOT A BABY!
Emma: (singing and laughing) “Twinkle, twinkle…”
Kate’s voice: STOP THE ATTITUDE!
Emma: (still singing and laughing) It’s your lullaby! “TWINKLE, TWINKLE…”
Kate’s voice: (Coming through the walkie talkie and echoing from upstairs, high-pitched-ear-rattling scream) EMMMMM-MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: Scott. Worst idea ever.
Me: First day of preschool, Kate! Let’s go smile by the front door.
Kate: No. I don’t smile in the front. I only smile in the backyard.
I took Kate out to lunch after her first day of school.
Me: Ok, Kate. What do you want for lunch? I’ll take you out for your first day of school.
Kate: I want Chic-Fil-A lemonade. And then I want a Taco Bell taco.
Me: How about I just buy you a lemonade or Sprite at Taco Bell.
Kate: Mom. Chic-Fil-A has the best lemonades. Taco Bell doesn’t have good drinks. Tacos are good.
I was listening to Emma read to me. The main character in the book was named “Juan”.
Emma: Ju-ANN went to school today…
Me: Kate, what do you want for lunch?
Kate: Taco Bueno.
Me: Oh, we’re not going out to eat today.
Kate: That’s fine. We can just go through the drive-thru.
Kate’s preschool teacher: Who here has a name that starts with a K?
(class looks at Kate)
Kate: My nana.
Kate was hesitant to try a food at dinner.
Scott: When Emma was little, she would try something and say “actually, it IS good!” Remember that, Emma?
Emma: (laughing) Yeah! I used to say that.
Kate: And remember I used to say “it’s not good. Goo goo gah gah.”
Me: Kate, are you farting?
Kate: Yeah. Do you want me to shoot it the other way?
Kate: Everyone! Stop the attitude! You’re hurting my ears.
Scott left for work. Kate and I were in bed together.
Scott: (walking down the stairs) Bye, Kate! I’ll see you later!
Kate: Bye, daddy!
(Scott continues down the stairs, out of earshot)
Kate: (whispers) You poop head.
I was eating pasta with my fingers while the sauce was heating up. I dropped a noodle on my shirt on accident.
Scott: HA! Mommy’s boob caught the noodle!
Emma: That’s the good thing about being a girl. You don’t spill as much on the floor as a boy.
Scott: Hi Kate!
Scott: HI KATE!
Kate: I’m tired of your voice.
I was driving the girls somewhere.
Emma: Mom? How do you know if you’re going faster than the speed limit.
Me: You see this gauge right here on the dash? It tells me how fast my car is going. Like the speed limit is 35 here and I can see I’m going 38.
Emma: Oh. You have to pay attention to those things when you drive?
Kate’s preschool teacher: So Kate has some bug bites on her legs. She was hesitant to go outside to play because she thought she would get bit by bugs. We explained she would be ok, she didn’t get the bites here. Kate stood by me and asked me to wave her legs the entire time to keep the bugs away.
Emma: Dad, why does mommy wear wedgie underwear?
Me: Kate! You’re going to Nana’s this weekend! You guys better be good.
Kate: Don’t worry, mommy. Emma and I don’t fight at Nana’s. We only fight here with you.
Kate: Rain makes me tired.
Me: Take a nap.
Kate: I need the rain to be louder to take a nap.
Me: Did you spit out your gum?
Kate: Inside my tummy.
Me: Kate, go get your underwear.
Kate: Help me.
Me: I’m trying to work, Kate. Just go grab a pair and I’ll help you down here.
Kate: No. I want you to help me.
Me: (ignore her and keeping working)
Kate: (walks up to me, turns around. Moons me.) I’m going to stand here. Like this. Until you help me.
Special edition: Oh Scott
Scott: I love it when Emma calls me daddy as opposed to mom.
Scott: I mean dad. You know what I mean. Stop writing that down! I know what you’re doing with your phone! Now I know what it’s like to be the kids!