Scott: My knee has been killing me lately.
Me: Until you’ve pushed miniature humans from your body, you can’t talk.
Scott: OH! Here we go! I had knee surgery! You aren’t pushing anything now!
Me: All I’m saying is when a doctor asks about pain level, they will ask on a level from 1 through 10. 10 is always childbirth. The highest level of pain a human can stand. Knee pain is nothing.
Scott: Why do you have to make everything a contest?
Me: Well, you can never be a 10. So I kinda wave off your pain level. You’ll be fine.
Scott: But childbirth is natural.
Me: Hm. Watermelon sliding through a hole a size of a lemon. That sounds natural.
Scott: Yes. You went through the highest pain level. I get it. You will be reminding me of this when we’re old and hurting at 90.
Me: Actually, I’ll be 89 and you’ll be 90.
Scott: What did you say?
Me: Nothing. Just waiting for a thank you.
Scott: For what?!
Me: Delivering your children.
Scott: 4 and 7 years ago. You are comparing my knee pain to your pain 4 and 7 years ago. And you want a thank you. Fine. Thank you. You want to start comparing?
Me: Bring it, Scott.
Scott: I had surgery. Knives cut me open. Bone was ripped out and screwed back in. You heard the doctor say that pain is close to childbirth pain. I had to have a nerve block in my groin! At least you could walk out of the hospital.
Me: I had my vagina sewn up, SCOTT. Here. Put your legs up on the dash and imagine a needle and thread going in and out of that space there. With no pain meds because THEY WORE OFF.
Scott: You know what? You got two beautiful daughters from it. All I got was a bill.
Me: I got a bill too. And mine was probably higher than yours. I delivered life.
Emma: YOU GUYS! OH MY GOSH, STOP FIGHTING ABOUT YOUR POOP!