Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Me: Kate, how do you want to decorate your room? Your walls are so bare.

Kate: I want my own mirror.

Me: Ok. We can get you your own mirror. That’s a good idea.

Kate: I want it to go on my ceiling. Right there. (Points to above her bed)

_____________

In the car.

Me: Kate! Turn your music down.

Kate: No!

Me: It’s not all about you, Kate.

Kate: It’s you, mom.

____________

TV commerical: Do you know what month it is?

Kate: Toots Day!

____________

Scott was shouting to the girls while they took a bath.

Scott: Ok, don’t forget to clean your legs and your tummies and under your arms!!

Kate: And don’t forget your vaginas!

Scott: I’m out of here. (leaves the room)

____________

Emma: Mom. Dad said this is driving him crazy. So I said ‘oh yeah? Is crazy driving you to a far away place?’

Me: You said that? Where did you hear that?

Emma: I made it up just now.

____________

We took the girls to Cabelas. Scott was looking at hunting clothes. I was rolling my eyes and telling Scott to hurry up. Somehow, we lost Kate.

Me: Uh, where’s Kate?

Scott: I don’t know. I’m sure she’s here somewhere.

Me: KATE!

Emma: KAAATE!

Scott: KATE! WHERE ARE YOU, KATE?

Me: (going into panic mode) Oh my gosh. KATE. KATE. KATE!!!! (I start looking at families walking by to see if Kate walked off with them)

Tiny muffled voice: Oh darnit!

Me: Did you hear that? Where is she? Kate, where are you?

Kate: (rolls out from under a rack of clothes) Haaaaaa! I just hiding.

______________

Kids were eating tic tacs.

Kate: Here daddy, you want a tic tac toe?

______________

Me: Wake up Emma, your friends are coming over to play later today.

Emma: What? Oh, ok. (she gets ready and goes to the kitchen)

Scott: Hey Emma, we’re going to practice shooting your bow this afternoon.

Emma: Oh, ok. (Emma walks up to me and whispers) Mom. I have a problem.

Me: What?

Emma: I have two things going on at once and I don’t know what to do.

Me: (laughing) You can play with your friends then you can go with daddy.

Emma: (smiles) Oh, ok.

______________

In the car. I overhear Emma and Kate talking.

Kate: I feel my bone in my finger. It’s hard. What’s this squishy stuff?

Emma: That’s all the blood, Kate.

______________

Our babysitter took the girls out for the day. They were in her car.

Kate: Erin?

Erin: Yeah.

Kate: Will you unlock the door? I want to escape.

Erin: Oh, that’s not going to happen. Where would you go if you escaped?

Kate: I just walk home.

______________

Scott: Good thing we are getting all this rain. Good for our yard.

Emma: Why is it good for the yard?

Scott: Well, if it doesn’t rain, we need to turn the sprinklers on. That costs us money. The city sends us a bill every month for how much water we used.

Emma: But why do they charge you?

Me: Because they take the water from the lakes and rivers and make it clean so we can drink it.

Emma: WHAT? I thought it was free! Paying for water is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard!

_______________

Me: Girls, look at my boo boo.

Emma: What happened?

Me: I had another mole removed. It grew back so the doctor had to cut it out again.

Kate: Did they put you to sleep?

_______________

Kate was watching Beauty and the Beast.

Kate: Ha! Sounds like Booty and the Beast.

______________

Me: Kate, smile for the camera. Please?

(Eventually, she smiles) There was that so hard?

Kate: Yes.

______________

I took a shower and was getting dressed. The girls bust in on me.

Kate: Dang mom, lock the door!

______________

The girls were watching 13 going on 30. There’s a scene in the movie where the two actors are laying on the beach, kissing.

Kate: Ha! They are getting sand in their butt.

______________

Scott was working on finishing our basement.

Scott: Finally! The bathroom is DONE. Can I get a hallelujah!

Kate: Uh, I don’t know how to do that.

_____________

Emma: Kate, stop farting on me!

Kate: I just like to fart.

_____________

Bonus Special Edition: Oh Scott.

Scott was asleep for the night. I took my contacts out and climbed into bed with him.

Scott: Did you make it to the NFL?

Me: What?

Scott: Did you take it to the next level? The NFL.

Me: Is this a joke about Candy Crush? No, I can’t pass it.

Scott: But the NFL!

Me: Scott, are you dreaming?

Scott: NO, JULIE. I’M MAKING TOTAL SENSE RIGHT NOW.

Me: No, you make no sense. You’re dreaming.

Scott: THE LITTLE BACKPACK STRAPS!

Me: Scott! Why are you yelling at me?

Scott: (turns around with his back to me) Ugh. Whatever.

Next morning.

Me: Scott. Do you remember asking me if I was in the NFL and something about backpack straps?

Scott: Uh oh. Vaguely. I remember saying something about backpack straps and yelling at you.

Me: Apologize.

Scott: I’m not apologizing for talking in my sleep.

Me: Apologize.

Scott: I’m sorry.

6 thoughts on “Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

  1. I wish I could get my other half to apologize for sleep talk yelling. The other night, I came in from girls night out, and woke him by accident. He was upset about it, but when I pointed out that he frequently wakes me at 3am after being out with the guys, he just shouted “I MAKE THE MONEY” and rolled over. He just giggled and stood by it when I told him in the morning.

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