Scott: Does my mustache look pornish?
Me: (laughing) No.
Emma: What?! You have a mustache?!
Me: Ok, girls. Let’s go shopping. We need to find you 4th of July outfits.
Kate: Uh, sometime I don’t like to say that word.
Me: What word?
Kate: 4th of July.
Kate: Whoa! Big poop, mom!
Me: (I run in there) Do you need help wiping?
Kate: (sits on toilet) Don’t look at it. (crosses her arms)
Getting ready to take off on the plane for Florida.
Me: Here girls. Chew some gum. Your ears will pop if you don’t swallow.
Emma: POP OFF??!
Kate: What is this?
Me: It’s called a chip. It’s from a place called Las Vegas.
Kate: What is a chip?
Me: Well, it’s sorta like money.
Kate: (runs off then runs back with her piggy bank and drops it in)
I was getting a pedicure with the girls before our Florida trip.
Kate: (to the woman working on her feet) We want pretty toes. Not bad ones. Haaaaaaa, mommy! A boy is doing your feet!
Kate: Mommy! I need to use the bathroom!
Me: I’m using it!
Kate: (opens door and walks in) Mommy! You’re just on your phone. Wipe your butt.
Emma: What’s for dinner?
Me: (Put down two plates of Mahi Mahi and rice) Fish.
Kate: (Looks at her plate) I like fish inside the water not on my plate.
The girls got their hair cut. I had Kate’s cut short. We were leaving the salon.
Me: Kate! Your hair is sooo cute!
Kate: Your hair looks a little bit cute.
Me: Ok, Uncle Mark and Aunt Ashley brought two friends. One is named Ted and one is named Michelle.
Kate: Uh, like Michelle from Full House?
Kate comes downstairs with just underwear on. She turns around in front of me. Her underwear is pulled up her butt crack so all you see is cheeks.
Kate: I’m like you, mommy.
Kate: Your underwears.
Emma: It’s a thong, mom. She wants to wear a thong.
Kate: What day is today?
Kate: Oh. I like Tuesday better.
Kate: Sounds like Toots Day.
I was talking to some lady at the store. I didn’t know her. Just making chit chat.
Kate: Mom! Stop talking!
Me: Kate. Shhhhh.
Kate: Mom, I don’t like you talking to people.
Me: (I laugh off Kate to the lady)
Kate: We don’t know her! Mom! Stop talking!
Scott: Mommy doesn’t like having a cold, does she girls.
Emma: I don’t like being hot.
I was getting into the shower while the girls took a bath. I got undressed in front of them.
Kate: Haaaa! You look funny, mommy!
Me: Why? (I walk into the shower)
Kate: Because of those.
Me: (shouting) Because of what?
Emma: Just say it, Kate.
We were watching the All-Star game. The National Anthem starts. Scott starts singing along.
Kate: Stop singing, daddy! You’re a boy! This song is for girls.
Me: Ok, girls. We’re going to a wedding today!
Kate: I don’t like weddings.
Kate: Because I don’t like people looking at me.
Me: Oh. Well, you are not IN this wedding. You don’t have to walk down the aisle. Just watch. Then we get to eat and dance!
Kate: But I don’t like people.
Kate: Daddy, why are you going camping?
Scott: Because that is where the elk are. Deep in the woods.
Scott: Hm. That’s a good question.
Kate: No, it’s not.
Scott: Girls! Guess what? My magical power is I can turn invisible and watch people when they’re not looking.
Emma: What’s mommy’s?
Scott: Mommy’s magical power is making people’s clothes disappear when she snaps! What is yours?
Emma: I make people fart.
Kate: And I make people poop their pants.
I was driving Kate in my car. Scott had Emma in his truck. We left the gym at the same time but Scott was in front of me.
Kate: Is daddy in front of us or behind us?
Me: I think he left before us. So he must be in front of us.
Kate: Oh. I hope we can beat them home.
(We pull into our driveway. Scott’s truck was parked and Emma was getting out.)
Kate: DANGIT! They beat us!
(Kate gets out of the car)
Emma: We beat you!
Kate: It’s not a race Emma! I don’t like races.
We were at a camping store. Scott was shopping while the girls and I sat and waited. An employee comes up to us and asked if we needed anything.
Kate: My daddy likes pink stuff.
Kate: Here daddy. I drew you a rainbow.
Scott: Thanks, Kate! I love it!
Kate: It’s a brown rainbow with a pink stripe. Because you like pink.
Scott: Who said I like pink?
Kate: I did. Haaaaa!
Kate: I don’t like this restaurant.
Me: It’s a wedding reception, not a restaurant.
Kate: I don’t like this wedding.
Me: Kate, why don’t you like weddings?
Kate: I don’t like people laughing at me.
Me: But no one was laughing at you.
Kate: I just want to be naked at home.