Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Kate: I know how to put underwear on, mom. But sometimes I just don’t feel like wearing underwear.

____________

Kate: Here’s my baby. Here’s her butt hole.

Me: Whoa! Did you just say butt hole? Who taught you that word? (Daddy, for sure)

Kate: Mom! Stop! She doesn’t like people laughing!

____________

Kate: I don’t like staplers.

Scott: You don’t?

Kate: I like the paper kind of staplers but not the kind that go in my head.

__________

Kate: Can we go somewhere?

Me: Where?

Kate: Store. I just need one thing.

Me: What do you need?

Kate: Uh, a toy.

__________

Kate: UGH! Stop talking! It’s too loud and I can’t eat!

__________

Emma: Mom, what is a calorie?

Me: It’s a unit of energy. Some foods have a lot of calories. Some have very little. A calorie is how much energy it puts in your body. When you exercise, it takes away calories. Sometimes people don’t eat enough calories and they get really skinny. And sometimes people eat too many calories and they get big tummies. You have to balance the calories and the exercise. That’s how you stay healthy.

Kate: But only boys can have big tummies, right?

___________

Kate: Why are there a lot of people walking?

Me: It’s a nice night out.

Kate: Uh, why aren’t we walking?

___________

Me: Hey Emma, get your little tackle box. I found some bait in daddy’s stuff in the garage.

Emma: Oh! Ok! Kate we can pretend to fish. (I start to put the fake fish bait into Emma’s tackle box)

Kate: Um, mom. Do we eat those fish? I don’t want to eat those fish.

____________

Me: Emma. You are going to go over the neighbor’s house but only you. So don’t say anything to Kate.

Emma: What will you tell Kate?

Me: I don’t know. I’ll just tell her to play with daddy.

Emma: I have an idea! Just tell her that we are playing hide and go seek and have her count then we’ll leave.

____________

I took Kate to the restroom in a restaurant. Kate was talking to me from inside the stall.

Kate: Mom, sometimes I don’t wipe. I just let it drip sometimes.

____________

Emma: Mom. I’m making a rainbow and writing the name of everyone’s favorite color on it. But I can’t think of anyone who loves orange.

Me: Hmmmm…yeah orange isn’t a popular color that people like.

Emma: Oh! I know! Uncle Mark favorite color is orange!

Me: It is? How do you know?

Emma: Ha! Mom! He likes Texas, remember? Longhorns? Duh!

____________

I was at the neighborhood pool with the girls. Kate was swimming near my legs, dangling over the edge.

Kate: Mom, what does this sign mean?

Me: It says no diving.

Kate: What does that mean?

Me: It means it’s too shallow to dive in head first. You need to get in feet first. You could hit your head on the bottom if you dive in.

Kate: So why do they put water in here?

Me: Uh, it’s a pool?

Kate: (just stares at me)

______________

We called Scott’s mom to wish her a happy birthday.

Me: Emma, ask Nana how old she is.

Emma: MOM! Shhhhhhh! That is rude!

______________

Kate was scrolling my phone pictures. I had a few of me in front of the mirror. I was in a bikini with an American flag bandana around my head and my arm. I was trying to find my “flare” for the Florida Keys next week. I took the pictures for Scott and my friend, Devon, to approve.

Kate: AH! Mom! Take these off! Don’t make me see you naked like that!

_____________

I could overhear the girls playing in the next room.

Emma: Mommy and daddy are going to die one day, Kate. We will be all alone. There will be no one here to watch us. Maybe when we have our own babies, we can play with them.

Kate: Uh, but (aunt) Jenna will be here!

_____________

Me: Girls! Come down here! Lunch is ready! (Emma and Kate walk into the kitchen. Kate is fully nude) Uh, Kate. Where are your clothes?

Kate: I don’t want to spill on my clothes or underwear.

_____________

Scott called the girls into the garage. He caught a mouse in one of his traps.

Emma: Whoa! Cool! Kate, look at the dead mouse!

Kate: Uh, I like Mickey better.

____________

I was playing Candy Crush on my phone while laying with Kate in bed.

Kate: (whispers) You’re gunna lose.

____________

Kate: Happy Father’s Day, mommy! I made this Father’s Day card for you!

____________

Scott and I took the girls to get some ice cream. We were eating it in the car. Scott makes a noise after taking his first bite.

Me: Geez, did you just have an orgasm?

Scott: (laughs) Girls, on a scale to 1 to 10, how good is this ice cream?

Kate: I don’t like that word.

(Scott and I go silent)

Me: Uhhhhh…what word?

Kate: Scale.

____________

Scott: Ok girls. We have a long drive. Take a nap.

Emma: Oh yeah! I forgot I am tired. (Puts away her iPad and falls asleep)

____________

Kate: Hey dad, watch this. (Pulls really hard at her nose) It doesn’t come off. You pull. It won’t come off! Isn’t that funny?

9 thoughts on “Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

      • ksujulie says:

        Ugh. The chocolates!!! I hate those things. I don’t know how much money I’ve spent just buying the lollipop thing so I could bust the last few. Lol. I hope Scott doesn’t read this comment.

        Like

  1. dusterbed says:

    These posts never fails to make me laugh!! Your girls are priceless! My favourite was “But only boys can have big tummies, right?” 😉 Also “Here is my baby. Here is her butt hole!” I love the honesty!

    Like

      • dusterbed says:

        Ahh! I still have my blog. This is how often I check it. I really need to get back in the saddle! The internet makes it easy to stalk you – your lastest post drops in my inbox when there’s something freshly brewed! LOVE IT!

        Like

Ok, now it's your turn - write me back.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s