Kate: I know how to put underwear on, mom. But sometimes I just don’t feel like wearing underwear.
Kate: Here’s my baby. Here’s her butt hole.
Me: Whoa! Did you just say butt hole? Who taught you that word? (Daddy, for sure)
Kate: Mom! Stop! She doesn’t like people laughing!
Kate: I don’t like staplers.
Scott: You don’t?
Kate: I like the paper kind of staplers but not the kind that go in my head.
Kate: Can we go somewhere?
Kate: Store. I just need one thing.
Me: What do you need?
Kate: Uh, a toy.
Kate: UGH! Stop talking! It’s too loud and I can’t eat!
Emma: Mom, what is a calorie?
Me: It’s a unit of energy. Some foods have a lot of calories. Some have very little. A calorie is how much energy it puts in your body. When you exercise, it takes away calories. Sometimes people don’t eat enough calories and they get really skinny. And sometimes people eat too many calories and they get big tummies. You have to balance the calories and the exercise. That’s how you stay healthy.
Kate: But only boys can have big tummies, right?
Kate: Why are there a lot of people walking?
Me: It’s a nice night out.
Kate: Uh, why aren’t we walking?
Me: Hey Emma, get your little tackle box. I found some bait in daddy’s stuff in the garage.
Emma: Oh! Ok! Kate we can pretend to fish. (I start to put the fake fish bait into Emma’s tackle box)
Kate: Um, mom. Do we eat those fish? I don’t want to eat those fish.
Me: Emma. You are going to go over the neighbor’s house but only you. So don’t say anything to Kate.
Emma: What will you tell Kate?
Me: I don’t know. I’ll just tell her to play with daddy.
Emma: I have an idea! Just tell her that we are playing hide and go seek and have her count then we’ll leave.
I took Kate to the restroom in a restaurant. Kate was talking to me from inside the stall.
Kate: Mom, sometimes I don’t wipe. I just let it drip sometimes.
Emma: Mom. I’m making a rainbow and writing the name of everyone’s favorite color on it. But I can’t think of anyone who loves orange.
Me: Hmmmm…yeah orange isn’t a popular color that people like.
Emma: Oh! I know! Uncle Mark favorite color is orange!
Me: It is? How do you know?
Emma: Ha! Mom! He likes Texas, remember? Longhorns? Duh!
I was at the neighborhood pool with the girls. Kate was swimming near my legs, dangling over the edge.
Kate: Mom, what does this sign mean?
Me: It says no diving.
Kate: What does that mean?
Me: It means it’s too shallow to dive in head first. You need to get in feet first. You could hit your head on the bottom if you dive in.
Kate: So why do they put water in here?
Me: Uh, it’s a pool?
Kate: (just stares at me)
We called Scott’s mom to wish her a happy birthday.
Me: Emma, ask Nana how old she is.
Emma: MOM! Shhhhhhh! That is rude!
Kate was scrolling my phone pictures. I had a few of me in front of the mirror. I was in a bikini with an American flag bandana around my head and my arm. I was trying to find my “flare” for the Florida Keys next week. I took the pictures for Scott and my friend, Devon, to approve.
Kate: AH! Mom! Take these off! Don’t make me see you naked like that!
I could overhear the girls playing in the next room.
Emma: Mommy and daddy are going to die one day, Kate. We will be all alone. There will be no one here to watch us. Maybe when we have our own babies, we can play with them.
Kate: Uh, but (aunt) Jenna will be here!
Me: Girls! Come down here! Lunch is ready! (Emma and Kate walk into the kitchen. Kate is fully nude) Uh, Kate. Where are your clothes?
Kate: I don’t want to spill on my clothes or underwear.
Scott called the girls into the garage. He caught a mouse in one of his traps.
Emma: Whoa! Cool! Kate, look at the dead mouse!
Kate: Uh, I like Mickey better.
I was playing Candy Crush on my phone while laying with Kate in bed.
Kate: (whispers) You’re gunna lose.
Kate: Happy Father’s Day, mommy! I made this Father’s Day card for you!
Scott and I took the girls to get some ice cream. We were eating it in the car. Scott makes a noise after taking his first bite.
Me: Geez, did you just have an orgasm?
Scott: (laughs) Girls, on a scale to 1 to 10, how good is this ice cream?
Kate: I don’t like that word.
(Scott and I go silent)
Me: Uhhhhh…what word?
Scott: Ok girls. We have a long drive. Take a nap.
Emma: Oh yeah! I forgot I am tired. (Puts away her iPad and falls asleep)
Kate: Hey dad, watch this. (Pulls really hard at her nose) It doesn’t come off. You pull. It won’t come off! Isn’t that funny?