I swear if my brother-in-law was my real blood-brother, I would hop on a plane down to Texas just to kick his ass. I’m kidding, I’m kidding. There’s nothing but love. But hey, he started it.

To: <Family>
From: Mark (brother-in-law)
Subject: Get with the times, KansASS.

Top 3 growing cities and top 4 of last 10.  Texas.
To: <Family>
From: Kathy (mother-in-law)

Hahaha…please…….Do you recall that Wichita is a Kansas city?   Is it on the bottom of the list?
To: <Family>
From: Julie

Fellow Kansan. I got this. Hold please.
To: <Family>
From: Julie

Oh Mark, Mark, Markie Mark and the Funky Bunch.

It’s fine, it’s fine.

I’m ok with Kansas. You see, here in Kansas, we are like big fish in a small pond. Less competition. More one-on-one attention at school for our children. Less crime. We are the “nice” people of the midwest. When I walk outside at night, I can see thousands of stars twinkling in the sky above me because Kansas doesn’t have city lights to cover them up. I have space. I can spread out. There is less traffic here – less screaming at the effers who cut me off on the highway because yes, I admit it – I like driving at a slower pace in the car and in life.

Breathe in, Dallasite. I fear that is headache causing pollution you are inhaling. I’m so sorry.

I just took a breath. I inhaled the fresh wide open country air with maybe a slight tinge of manure. It’s natural.
Maybe a slight tinge of manure.
Ok, this is not my cubicle in Kansas City. It’s from a drive through the Flint Hills of Kansas. Close enough.

Kansas is farmland. Kansas is farmers. God made farmers. The Super Bowl commercial said so. One Kansas farmer can feed 129 people. You know how I know that? I went to an agricultural school. And a damn good one, at that. Hard work defines Kansas. I mean, I should be working right now. But I needed the break. I’ll tell you who’s not taking a break – it’s a Kansas farmer. We all gotta eat. Kansas feeds your cubicle-sitting bellies down there in the Big D of Texas.

So yes, I concur. The state of Kansas may not have one of the fastest growing cities in America. We’re not a bus packed to the brim of people just chasing the dream. Kansas is a single-rider John Deere tractor drawing out happy faces in the wheat fields. We know we are a fly-over state. Here in Kansas, we just like to show those big shots from the coastal cities flying in the skies above how friendly we are.

Scott and I did our part in bringing two more people into the world and into the state of Kansas. Your sweet nieces can see the beauty of their home state with its wide open spaces. Good thing those skyscrapers didn’t get in the way.
"Look mommy! That cloud looks like a Princess dress!"
“Look mommy! That cloud looks like a Princess dress!”
Although, I won’t lie – I would still move them to Florida.

Well, great. I can’t get my country accent out of my head here, as I type. I believe I referenced the majority of country songs in this email. I need to lay off the country music station on Pandora in my cubicle.

To: <Family>
From: Mark

Our BBQ is better than yours.
To: <Family>
From: Julie


Since Wikipedia is the know-all of everything…

If you would be so kind, please visit and type in the search:
“Kansas City BBQ”
Ahhh…Mmmmm…can you smell it?

Now type in the search:
“Dallas BBQ”

Oh, wait. What? Not found?
Wikipedia has spoken.

5 thoughts on “Kansas.

  1. I would have to side with your brother in law here. Not only are the chicks hotter in Texas (by a small margin but still hotter), you need only read an article (like the one I just read) entitled ‘2 Wichita Brothers Blow up Home Celebrating Lotto Win’ for further proof. Those cats only won $75K and they got so raucous that they blew up their home?? Yes you have more space and the whole farming thing is true…but y’all are some kind of hicks out there.


  2. Texans can suck it. How awesome is your state when the best activity for even grown ups is a high school football game? Don’t even get me started on Dallas. I’ve been stuck in traffic on the LBJ freeway at 2:30am for God’s sake! Hey, assholes, trying to get my ass to Whataburger here!!! Geez! I’ve never been to Kansas, but I’m sure it’s a lot like Missouri, just a little suckier. 😉


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