Employee newsletter.

Cubicle life is boring.

The lighting is terrible. My personal space is small. I am surrounded by the color grey. I have no windows. If I didn’t have headphones, all I would hear is the hum of the heater blasting and occasional chit chat from fellow co-workers.

I am highly entertained by my job. Good thing. My eyes can’t handle all the grey.

One of my job duties include heading the employee newsletter. My boss gave me specific instructions – make ’em laugh.

Oh crap. Free reign? Are you sure about that?

Yep, free reign. Your goal should be to make the morale higher. Sometimes, people forget to have some fun and laugh once in awhile at work. I want the employees to be entertained, humor them. They don’t care about financial blah blah of the company or customer satisfaction blah blah blah surveys. Most people come here to do their job and that’s it. If we’re going to do an employee newsletter, you need to keep their interest. We can add any company information as needed but I want to them to like it enough to read it.

Whatever you say, Sir.

I realized this workload may be a lot. We can hire someone to help down the road if you need it.

Sweet. Someone working for me. BOW DOWN!

Well, seriously. What am I supposed to write about? I went to the internet. I begged family members to send me their company newsletters. I fell asleep reading them. It was 3:00, my sleepy time. After chugging a cup of coffee, I realized I would have to be creative on my own. Make ’em laugh, huh. Ha. Ok.

Just off the top of my caffeine loaded head:

  • Article: Pooping at work: The art of covering it up.
  • Article: Non-smokers need breaks too: A guide to hiding cigarettes and watching the smokers panic.
  • Article: March Madness: I’m sorry, what work? A bracket guide.
  • Article: The toilet debate: Do you lay a base?
  • Article: They bought it: The Ferris Bueller guide to work hooky.
  • Article: How to speak with a French accent while eating a croissant at lunch. (The company is owned by a company in France)
  • Article: How Bill Snyder’s 16 Goals can help your work performance.
  • Article: IT employees tell-all: Google search terms.
  • Article: Employee spotlight: The bald CEO.
  • Article: Coffee: From the bean to your mug. To bowel movement at exactly 10 am.
  • Article: Siestas: Bring it to America! Successful time-management in the workplace.
  • The Water Cooler Gossip column, featuring a range of topics:

Who’s sleeping with who.

Oh, no she di’int: What you missed on The Bachelor.

What you missed on ESPN because your wife was watching The Bachelor.

Poll: Guess who has the 98 Degrees Christmas album on their iTunes? Submitted by anonymous IT employee. Email answers to Julie by 5 pm.

Poll: Who is most likely to crap their pants on the way to work? Email answers to Julie by 5 pm.

5 o’clock somewhere? 5 o’clock here: Craft beer reviews. Cocktail recipes for the ladies.

  • Employee Contests:

Who has the best BBQ? We’ll just go with Kansas City. And 2nd best? (Other company locations) BBQ lunch shipped in to all offices from each city. Vote at end of month. Winner gets Kansas City BBQ brought in for lunch.

Smokers, gotta put out sometime – who can go the longest without a cigarette? Winner gets healthy lungs.

Ladies – who can grow the longest armpit hair? Winner gets a trip to France! (reference to the French owners)

Cubicle Bulge Fight Club – a weight loss challenge. Winner gets a new wardrobe. Losers get elevator rights taken away.

Last name Rotch, First name Mike – prank calls to competitors offices. Submit video to Julie by end of week. Best prank call wins an upload to YouTube, complete with a pixelly box over your face and/or voice distortion.

I’m Paula Dean y’all – a dessert contest. Winner gets Pinterest removed from their work computer.

Fedora Day! The Don Draper look-alike contest. You are very welcome, ladies.

Well, my boss did say free reign. Ok, I know…back to the drawing board. Freakin’ grey drawing board.

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