Oh Dad.

Let me get you all up to speed here.

The big news is I got a job. It involves research and a lot of creative writing. I probably don’t need to tell you that I’ve been having a blast at “work”. It’s not even work to me. It’s free time away from my kids so I can have some fun – with a paycheck.

Since I went back to work, life at home has shifted. Things just don’t get done anymore without me home all day. Grocery shopping. The gym. Playing with the kids. Cleaning the house. Laundry. I get like 2.5 seconds to get stuff done at night. At this rate, I’m going to be 50 tomorrow.

The things I normally get done during the week are now packed into the weekends. In the past 7 years, Scott has only gone to the grocery store with the kids oh, maybe a handful of times. I secretly enjoy grocery shopping as a family. I always end up walking about 5 steps behind them and just observing Scott slowly go crazy. Sure, that’s a little cruel but he always did say my stay-at-home job was easy.

Ha! Easy. We ran some errands this weekend.

Dad mistake #1: Taking your time at the store. Scott did not get in and out as quickly as possible while at Target. He casually strolled each aisle. He lingered. He spent 15 minutes trying to decide on a deodorant smell. I gave him a friendly warning.

Me: Dude. You need to quit la-dee-da’ing. You know they are like ticking time bombs.

Scott: They’re fine.

Me: Yeah, they’re fine now. I’m just warnin’ you. Pick out a deodorant.

Dad mistake #2: Giving the kids “weapons” as a distraction. We start to leave the check out at Target. Well, would you look at that. A fight breaks loose. I don’t even know what they were fighting about. Freakin’ what color the sky is. Who knows. It was a fight in a public setting. People were staring.

Me: Let’s just walk fast out to the car.

Scott: No, Bug. I can handle this. Girls! You need to listen to me and behave.

I stared at the ground, my lips pressed together, desperately trying not to laugh or make eye contact with the girls. The fighting continues.

Scott: Here. (pulls out two windshield wiper blades) They’re swords!

Emma and Kate: COOL!!!

I open my mouth. Then shut it. I give the girls a weary eye.

Scott: THAT is how you handle the store with kids. It’s all under control. I’m like the greatest dad ever.

*WHACK* AHHHHH!!!! KATE HIT ME!!!!!

Me: I’m sorry. Did you say something, Scott?

Dad mistake #3: Never opt for the cone. We went to an ice cream place after the gym. Brilliant idea – I know.

Emma: Can I get a cone?

Me: No.

Kate: Can I get a cone?

Me: No. Everyone is getting a cup.

Scott: Oh, come on, Bug. They can have a cone. It’s the only way to eat ice cream! Three cones, please.

Emma: With sprinkles?

Scott: Sure, babe.

Oh dear. If I were an actor on Modern Family, this is the point where I would turn my head to the camera and stare with no emotion.

We sat down and ate our ice cream. Emma, Kate and Scott all had monster cones. I silently ate my ice cream from a cup, eyeing all three of them trying to catch the drips down the cones.

Emma: Hey! There’s a soggy part in my cone! Feel!

Me: Eat faster.

Kate: Hey, mine is soggy too! It’s falling in!

Me: Have daddy help. He’s done.

Ice cream was dripping all over the girls’ hands.

Kate: I need a towel! My hands are sticky! (starts crying)

Me: Ok. Scott will you get some napkins and ask for bowls, please?

Scott gets up and scrambles for napkins and bowls. We leave. The girls have their upside down cones in their cups in the backseat of the car.

Emma: It’s still dripping! I don’t want this anymore!

Kate: I’m done too!

Scott: Give me the cones. Are both of you done? I’m throwing them out the window. Girls, next time we are getting cups. No more cones, got it?

Me: I’m sorry. What did you say, Scott? I didn’t hear you?

Dad mistake #4: Tearing up while packing your kid’s school snack. Ok, that’s really not a mistake. But really, Pook?

Me: Hey, will you get Emma a snack for school tomorrow? She likes jerky. Just put some in a baggie and put it in her backpack.

Scott: Yeah, like how much?

Me: Oh, I don’t know. A few strips. Not a lot.

Scott: (making a sad face) Ah! Her little school snack baggie! Here baby girl, you can have a few extra pieces from daddy.

Me: Are you seriously tearing up at getting her snack ready? I have been doing this every night since school started!

Scott: But it’s so cute packing her bag for the morning while she’s sleeping.

Me: That is all yours, the rest of the school year. You have lunch/snack duty.

Yep, I’d say my new job is 100 times easier than my old one. I am looking forward to teaching Scott a few tricks of the trade at my “old job”. Lucky for him, it will fly by. We’ll be 50 and dropping the kids off at college tomorrow.

8 thoughts on “Oh Dad.

  1. Congrats on the job! Double congrats that it’s something you are happy doing! Thanks for all the tips/mistakes… it’s good for me to learn these things now before I actually need them. Though, some of them seem mostly like common sense to me… handing weapons to children in a public setting, really? Does he not remember being a kid himsef?

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