South Florida.

My personal email is one of the most interesting places I can write.

My father-in-law sent out an email to the family asking for some work help. We went from shooting ideas for his company newsletter (which will probably be another blog post in itself) to my feelings on moving to South Florida. Scott’s family used to live in South Florida for the greater chunk of his life. This is cool when it comes to vacationing – South Florida/Keys is one of my most traveled places since I’ve been married to Scott. It’s not so cool because they know what it’s like to actually live there. My midwest mind tried to convince them otherwise. I mean, it is January right now. I’m sitting here on my laptop, cold and wrapped in a blanket. I got a little excited thinking of moving the family to South Florida:

To: <Family>

From: Kathy (mother-in-law)

Subject: Family Survey

Who needs a marketing department when we have all of you! Such good ideas! Can you all move to Wichita?

_____

To: <Family>

From: Julie

Ha! No. Let’s all move to Florida!

_____

To: <Family>

From: Ashley (sister-in-law)

No. We already talked about this. We’re moving to Colorado.

_____

To: <Family>

From: Julie

Apparently, Scott thinks South Florida is the world’s worst place. Lately, I’ve tried to get Scott to consider it. It’s not “nice” according to his high standards of living.

WHY YOU GOTTA BE HATIN’ ON THE HISPANICS, POOK. YOU MARRIED ONE.

_____

To: <Family>

From: Mark (brother-in-law)

I actually wouldn’t want to move back to Florida either. I wouldn’t fight it if I had to for work, but it wouldn’t be my first choice.

_____

To: <Family>

From: Julie

You guys are all lame. Adult Mark and Scott would have more fun than high school Mark and Scott!
Can you imagine the possibilities?!
  • I could wear white baggy linen pants and a bikini top every day.
  • My kids could show their quarter Mex sun-kissed skin all year. No one would believe that white-eyebrow’ed man is their dad.
  • What am I talking about, my quarter Mex kids? I’m half! I love me some high SPF but Pook, you know I can hold my bikini tan line through all of the harsh Kansas winter. Winter doesn’t exist in south Florida.
  • My sibs/family would be signing up to visit whenever possible. Hell, all of our Kansas-friends-in-low-places would be signing up too.
  • Random Keys weekend trip? Holla.
  • Midwest fat eating would never exist. A light Mahi-Mahi drizzled with olive oil and a side of mango salsa for lunch? DONE.
  • Kate’s allergy to pool chemicals would forever be gone. Do it for the safety of Kate’s skin!
  • We can easily visit Mickey and Minnie. They would be our BFFs. Bonus! Local Floridians get a discount.
  • We can tweet pictures of us in tank tops/shorts decorating the Xmas tree! #bejealous
  • Possible scenario while out to lunch:

Me: (whispering) Hey Scott. Is that Emilio Estevez and Gloria Estafan sitting behind me, to my left? Don’t stare. It is? We shouldn’t bother them. But let’s do the conga on the way out.

  • Exchange hunting hobbies for fishing. I can hang out on a boat all day. I was probably conceived on one anyway. I would gladly cheer you guys on the shore of a fishing tournament in the Keys. I would NOT cheer you on in a tree stand in November in the freezing cold.
  • Having a bad day? Just let it all out. Go ahead and flip everyone off while driving in your car. Don’t hold doors open for people. You will fit in with the New Yorkers running around.
  • Mark – SALT WATER FISH EVERYWHERE! Find the real Nemo!!
  • You guys all have built-in friends there. You won’t be a fish out of water.
  • Laying under an effin’ palm tree after a dip in the soothing salt water ocean is more relaxing than any spa in Kansas. Or Texas.
  • My Top Gun loving family – two words: SAND VOLLEYBALL
  • Oh what fun it will be to listen to teenage Emma and teenage Kate scream and cuss at us in Spanish.

What did she say, Pook?

  • Oh you need your boat fixed? Let me make a phone call to my dad.

DAD! Can you fly down here and help us?

Sure honey, anything for you. Do you want me to stay a week, just to be sure everything is running ok?

  • I’m sure the sunrises in South Florida are amazing. Too bad I still won’t wake up to see. I would, however, drive the family down to Key West to watch the sunset.
  • Knock-off designer bags, purses, sunglasses. NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW.
  • I would probably have to change my favorite cocktail choice from whiskey to rum. You know, to fit in. Oh, wait. Hemingway drank whiskey. I’ll be good.
  • Natural Disasters: We can go from no-warning tornado alley to you-have-all-week to prepare for hurricane. The better of two evils is the preparation one.
  • Hey wait, is that Kenny Chesney filming another video? Let’s go ask if we can be extras!
  • Cruise to San Maarten, anyone? DONE.

_____

To: <Family>

From: Mark

Hahahaha…Gold, Jerry! Gold!

_____

To: <Family>

From: Kathy

All I have to say is….WHAT SHE SAID.

_____

To: <Family>

From: Julie

Hold on, I can still think of more convincing points. I feel I don’t have all of you on board, here. The mass murder state of Colorado is just a plane ride away. Let me think for a minute. I’m on the toilet. I get my best thinking done here.

_____

To: <Family>

From: Julie

Ok.

  • Vacationing in a snowy place, like visiting Kansas or Colorado, when you are coming from Florida is much better than what we have now – always coming home from a warm winter vacation to hell frozen over.
  • Let’s all move in same neighborhood!

Oh, what? Who teepee’d the crap out of your flat Floridian style roof? It wasn’t me! Damn, neighborhood kids!

  • Ashley – want bright lime green on your walls? It’s all good. It looks a little crazy in the midwest. It looks like home in Florida.
  • I have convinced myself if we all hang around Brett long enough, we can all achieve his abs.
  • Mark and Ashley – you would be surrounded by your precious FSU apparel. I would accept the challenge of turning Florida KSU purple. Damn you for leaving KSU, Frank Martin.
  • We can be expert Cuban cigar aficionados. We could write guest pieces in the magazine.
  • Oddly, South Florida has a NHL team. Kansas does not. We can still get use out of our mittens and long-sleeves and GOALLLLLLLL!!!!!

_____

To: <Family>

From: Jeff (father-in-law)

I’m packing my bags during lunch break. I’m convinced this is the right thing to do.

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