We celebrated Christmas this weekend with my mom and dad’s side of the family. You know, where all the aunts, uncles and cousins are in one big room. Kids are running around. White elephants are being stolen. Everyone is eating way too much food.
My mom’s side was on Saturday. That was a normal get-together.
Then we get to my dad’s side on Sunday – Sunday Funday.
One of my cousins, Bob, plops down next to me as the gifts were being handed out.
Bob: Hey, write about the family on your blog. We’re funny.
Me: I kinda already did. I wrote about Jennifer and Grandma over the summer.
Bob: Oh yeah, Grandma and her Kleenex after sex.
Bob: No, you need to write about all of us.
Me: I don’t know what to write about other than you guys are crazy.
Bob: Just write down quotes you hear. This will be good.
Dad: Yeah, write what we say down!
Me: Ugh! Fine.
I apologize in advance for the raunchy language. Everyone has a “crazy aunt” they have to put up with on Christmas. I have a whole “crazy family”. This is how they act all the time with or without alcohol. These are direct quotes I wrote in my phone as they were said. As always, who said what will be anonymous:
- Hey watch out! She’ll rub her cooch on you.
- Has Pookie slipped Grandma the tongue yet? I think I missed it.
- You were a little dickhead when you were little.
- Ew, I think he’s blowing in my daughter’s ear.
- Here, I’ll put a bag over it. — That’s what you do when you don’t want to get pregnant.
- Julie, stop writing what he says. He’s not funny. You know what school he went to, right? KU.
- I’m going to moon you. — I’m not turning around. I’m going to watch. Go.
- Does she have a nickname? — Just Gabby. — Well, your nickname is jackass.
- Look at him, he’s falling asleep. HEY! Don’t fall asleep! Let’s have a threesome down the pool slide! Weeeeeee!!
- I don’t feel good. I need some penis-cillin.
- There’s enough pregnant women here to drive. I can keep on drinking.
- Hey don’t get too drunk or you won’t be able to use your dildo at home. — She’ll have to use it! Look who she’s married to!
- Stop farting. — I can’t help it. — Well then stop eating eggs, dumbass.
- Go thank her and give her a kiss on the lips. — Ew, no! — Stop! They’re cousins!
- Go suck ass to Grandma, you little Jayhawker.
- You are a sarcastic little shithead, aren’t you? — No, he’s actually being genuine.
- Look at the back of his bald head. His skull is like messed up.
- Get that KU blanket away from us! Get it away! Hey, KU really has a hell of a football team, don’t they? One hell of coach too.
- I’ll give you $20 to moon Grandma. Drop your pants.
- Don’t give my mom any more to drink. She’s at the point where she will pee her pants.
- God damn! Look at that ass!
- My vibrator has all speeds. — That is not funny. No one is laughing.
- For once, I’m actually being good at this function.
- You are kinda gross to be rubbing your dad’s neck like that. I don’t like this father/daughter action.
- We have to go. — Wait to say goodbye to Grandma. She’s in the bathroom. — Tell Grandma to pinch it off and let’s go.
- You will be my only son-in-law and you are so effing sweet.
- Hey, you think Grandma wiped? What about washed her hands? — Oh shit, she just did the sniff test.
- You have good wrist action there.
- Do you have a dildo up your ass? — No, but one time I did that and it made me breathe too hard.
- If that was my mom, I would just go into hiding.
- You’re being induced on Wednesday? I didn’t even know you were that pregnant.
- Did Pookie give Grandma a lap dance yet?
- Look at that whole side of the room with their shirts over their noses.