I am well aware by writing about my children on a public blog, I don’t always have their “permission” to post the funny things they say or do. I don’t ask for permission from Scott either. He has never asked me to take something down. I’m not even sure if he reads every blog post.
I was working out with Scott this weekend. We started talking about our friend, Cierra. She will be competing in a bikini fitness show soon so she is working out heavily and on a strict diet.
Scott: I ran into Cierra yesterday while working out.
Me: Oh cool. I can’t imagine eating that protein diet she is on. Hey, do you think my arms look as toned as hers?
Scott: (stares at my face, doesn’t once look at my arms) You know I can’t answer that. No matter what I say, I will get in trouble.
Me: Just tell me, honestly.
Scott: (stares at me, still not looking at my arms) No, they are not. Cierra is training for a show. You don’t workout as much as Cierra does. You don’t eat like Cierra does to produce those kind of results either. Maybe if you changed your diet to match hers, you could….
Me: Why are you so mean? I just asked if they looked toned. You don’t have to go on about my diet. Are you saying I should go on a diet?
Scott: You ask the dumbest questions. I told you I would get in trouble. Yes, your arms are toned.
Yeah, so sometimes I ask questions that I probably know the answer to. Or I wonder something out loud that I should have just kept to myself. I’ve had my share of not-very-smart moments. If I can poke fun at my kids and husband on my blog, then I can poke fun at myself too. It’s only fair. I asked Scott to help me brainstorm, “what are the dumbest things I’ve ever said?”
Scott had way too much fun with this.
- At a Chiefs tailgate with my family. I asked my dad’s friend, Larry, if I could learn how to drive a motorcycle. Larry told me to get on my dad’s motorcycle and he would teach me. Larry started to tell me about how to start in 1st gear. “Wait, first gear? I don’t even know how to drive a stick. I need an automatic motorcycle.”
- “Do you think Tiger Woods is good at mini golf? He’d have to get like a hole-in-one every time, right?”
- “Is it possible to choke on ice? Think about it.”
- To Scott: “My legs are much stronger than yours because proportionately women are stronger in their legs than men.”
- I was watching TV with my dad. An ad came on for a hamburger place. They advertised that their half pound cheeseburger is the biggest one around. “That’s so not true. McDonalds has the quarter pounder.”
- The dry wall guy was in our basement working. I didn’t want him to hear me say I had to poop. “Hey Emma, I’m going to go upstairs to P-O-O-P.”
- “Wait, what?! I totally thought ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ didn’t come out until I was in college.”
- I was looking at the stars outside with Scott. There were supposed to be many “shooting stars” that night. “So like I know that way is north and that way is south. But what direction is straight up? Does it all kinda merge to the north? I’m SO confused.”
- “This Dan Beebe guy is hilarious on twitter! You think he gets in trouble when he tweets that wasted?” Scott: He’s not real! It’s a fake account! You think Dan Beebe really gets drunk every night? “Well, I dunno. Maybe he just wines and dines Big 12 people. Who knows? Maybe he’s a people person. People must love him and thinks he’s funny.” Scott: No, the real Dan Beebe has a job. He could never get wasted and tweet that stuff when he is the Big 12 commissioner. “Well this is just not near as funny then. I’m so disappointed that this is fake.”
- “Ugh. I just caught mom and dad’s microwave on fire. Microwaves should come with a warning not to put metal inside.”
- “There’s no way Ricky Martin is gay.”
- “Do guys look at each other’s penises in the locker room? Like, have you seen all your hockey friend’s penises? I would totally look. I check out boobs all the time and I have my own.”
- “How do you boil an egg?”
- “Mmmm…I love breastmilk breath.”
- “Oh, I only eat fish, chicken and turkey. I hate the taste of red meat. Well, actually I do eat Taco Bell’s taco meat. Completely different.”
- “Yeah! Let’s put blonde streaks of hair dye in my hair! Put it underneath so my mom doesn’t see it.”
- “Scott, you have got to read this book. JFK was the biggest perv. And I am loving it.”
- “But if you have a fish finder docked on your boat, isn’t that cheating?”
- “Can’t you just shoot a dear with a tranquilizer, let it sleep, saw off the antlers and call it day? Is it really necessary to kill it?”
- To a flight attendant, boarding a plane: “Is it true you can’t say bomb on an airplane? Or is that just in Meet the Parents?”