My resume.

A family member of mine asked me to help edit some work paperwork. It was regarding legal and financial gibberish, something I probably would not understand even as a newbie college graduate. My major was in the journalism school, not business. I was quickly reminded of the 7 year black hole in my professional resume – a major drawback to staying-at-home with the kids.

So how do I respond? As honestly as I could:

I don’t feel I would be a good consultant for this business endeavor.

My business strengths include:

  • Produced and carried two humans.   The cells in my body built the most complex animal on earth – twice. And it has changed me from a quiet, hard-working professional to a fierce, wild animal-like protector who will put up a fight to the death with anyone who remotely thinks of doing any harm to my babies.
  • A proven track record to run on 2-3 hours of sleep.   Night after night. Year after year. This has taken a tremendous toll on my day-to-day morale. No night’s sleep is guaranteed. I can be a huge pain in the ass to work with. I beg a lot.
  • Dedication and loyalty defines me.   I haven’t taken a “sick” day in over 6 years. I push on with work 24/7. My bosses are demanding. This is also the reason I belong to the local wine club at the closest liquor store to my home. Sometimes the “5 o’clock somewhere” is a glass of wine  in bed watching a DVRed Modern Family at 11:30 pm.
  • I know when to say NO   Such as when to turn my head away at “smell my finger”. And I just say NO to nudity running in circles around my house for the whole neighborhood to stop and stare.
  • Highly involved in extracurricular activities   I stay fit by doing monkey bar pull-ups and running after motorized vehicles called the ice cream truck.
  • Peacekeeper   I can keep the peace with two conflicting parties. Screaming, name-calling tantrums on the floor are my speciality. I will find the peace, even if it means physically picking up one party and placing her in a separate room.
  • Expert negotiator   Negotiated and went head-to-head with a 5-year-old that received national recognition and mostly applause.
  • Risk taker   Poop, throw up, phlegm, diarrhea, pee, my own breast milk – I’ve touched it all and/or tasted it, knowing I am at risk for viral or bacterial infection. I’m not scared to get my hands dirty and taking risks. I have even cut out dingleberries with scissors from the dog’s behind. More than once.
  • Can take criticism   I’m like a stone wall when faced with the harsh criticisms of,  “look at those zits all over your face!” and “what are those white hairs on your head?” and “you have lots of dimples on your leg!”

So while I throughly enjoy trying to make sense of this Chinese you have sent me here, while I drop a no. 2 with little people banging on the door wanting me to get out, I will have to decline in having an input.

Thank you for the opportunity. Please let me know if you would like my services in wiping little butts. Touch your toes!

 J

3 thoughts on “My resume.

  1. This is AMAZING! As a full time “little butt wiper” myself, I’m with you!! Thanks for so eloquently explaining the black hole in all of our resumes!

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