Oh Emma, Oh Kate

Driving….

Emma: Look mommy! That sign says s-t-o-p. It says stop. And I didn’t look at the shape either.

_______

Sometime last week we got a dusting of snow. We were driving.

Emma: Whoa! Look at that funny truck with a shovel!

Me: It’s a snow removal truck. He can put that shovel down and when he drives, it moves snow out of the way. You will probably see a salt truck too. That truck will sprinkle salt on ground to keep the snow and rain from turning into ice.

Emma: Well, that is really nice of them to do that for us! Lets wave thank you, Kate. Thank you!

______

Scott is out of town. Before he left, he was talking to Emma.

Scott: Do you want me to bring you back something from Colorado?

Emma: Yeah!

Scott: What about a new piggy bank?

Emma: What about diamonds?

______

Plumber was downstairs working on finishing our basement.

Kate runs into kitchen, no underwear or pants on.

Me: Ahhhh!! (quiet tone) Put some underwear on!!

Kate: Look at my butt! Haaaa!

Me: No! Upstairs! Underwear!

Kate: Look what I put in my butt! Haaa!!

(she turns around and there is a little black fuzzy ball in her butt cheeks. I thought it was poop.)

Me: Kate!!! Upstairs!! Lets clean you upstairs. Go, go…

Kate: I get it. I get it. (starts digging in her butt. Literally digging. I gag. She gets it out.) Haaaa!! Here, juwee. (throws it at me. It was one of Emma’s craft furry balls)

I hope the plumber has horrible hearing. OMG. This child.

_______

This am. Kate jumps in our bed. She sees Scott is back from out of town. Climbs over to him.

Scott: Hi kitty!

Kate: Pewww!! Your breath ‘tinks!

Scott: No, it doesn’t.

Kate: Yeah, it ‘tinks. Pewww!!

Scott: It’s your breath.

Kate: You’re crazy.

________

I took girls down for breakfast at hotel in St. Louis.

Emma: Hotels are fun. You like don’t have to pay for breakfast.

________

On train going back home to KC. Train employee comes down the aisle.

Employee: 35 minutes until Kansas City!

Kate: (shouting) Ten minutes! Ten hours!

________

Eating breakfast with girls in kitchen.

Kate: Mommy, you a tiger.

Me: I know. You’re a kitty.

Emma: and I’m the monkey! Hey Kate, what’s Belle?

Kate: uhhhh…chicken! Belle is a chicken.

Emma: the meat or the animal?

_________

I was playing a game on Emma’s iPad. She asked me to pass a level for her.

Me: oh, dangit! I died.

Emma: Come on, mom. I thought you were a gamer.

________

I showed Kate a pic of her aunt Jessica’s tummy.

Me: There’s a baby in there! It’s your baby girl cousin!

Kate: I wanna go play in there too.

_______

This am. Girls were fighting.

Me: Kate! Stop being a bully!

Kate: I not boy! I just a kid! Daddy a boy!

Emma: No, a BULLY!

Kate: Kid.

_______

I squirted some bubbles in the girls bath. It was almost out so it made a farting noise.

Emma: Dang. Wish I could fart like that.

 _______

Kate pooping on toilet.

Kate: I pooped a big one!

Me: (walk in to help her wipe)

Kate: NO! GET OUT! Shut the door! I gotta make a baby one!!

_______

Me: (yelling from downstairs) Kate!!

Kate: (Her voice from upstairs) No, I baby kitty! You tiger!

Me: Oh. Baby kitty!

Kate: Yes, tiger?

_______

Im laying here with Kate. She puts my hand on her butt. So I start tapping it…trying to get her to fall asleep.

She starts a long chain of stinky farts.

Me: Ah!!! (pull my hand away quickly)

Kate: Haaaaaa! I tooted in your hand!!! Let me see your hand.

Me: (laughing) No!

Kate: (farts a tiny fart)

_______

Walking out of the gym.

Kate: Birds!

Me: No, they’re ducks.

Emma: No, mom. They’re geese. See the arrow? (V pattern)

_______
Today at Jason’s Deli. Sitting in the booth. Eating dinner. We hear a beeping, almost like a microwave going off. We were near the “kitchen” part.
Emma: FIRE!!!! RUN!!
(Every one turns and stares at her)
Me: Emma! It’s from the kitchen! It sounds like a microwave or something. Sit down, it’s ok.
Emma: It’s warning us to get out! GET OUT!
Me: No, it’s telling them the food is done. A real fire alarm is a lot louder than that.
Emma: Oh. (sits down)
______
I was letting Kate put some lotion on herself. It’s in a big canister, so you scoop it out with your fingers.
Me: Ok, Kate. Just a little bit on your finger. Don’t get a lot.
Emma: Yeah Kate, it’s not like cookie dough.
______
I took a shower. When I got out I found the girls sitting on my bed eating cheese-its.
Me: HEY! Don’t eat those on my bed! No crumbs in my bed!
Emma: It’s ok. We’re on daddy’s side. He doesn’t care.
______
I was driving home and went through downtown Olathe.
Emma: Where are we at?
Me: Downtown Olathe. This is actually the old part of Olathe.
Emma: Why is it old?
Me: It’s just been here a long, long time.
Emma: Why isn’t it in black and white?
_______
I was at the post office with Kate. There was a line. Kate was kinda running back and forth, smiling at every one and saying hi. Let’s just say she had everyone’s attention.
She puts her arms up, wanting to be held. I pick her up.
She picks her nose.
Me: (whispering) Kate, no.
Kate: (yelling) HOLD ON, MOM. I GOTTA GET A BOOGER.
Me: Oh my gosh. Wait till I get you a kleenex in the car.
Kate: GOT IT! EWWWW! (drops it on floor)
Me: Ok, stop.
Kate: MORE BOOGERS, MOM! LOTS OF ‘EM!! WOOK! EWWWWWW
Me: Oh my gosh. (I wipe her hands on my shirt)
(I see the man in front of us with his head down and shaking, like trying to stop a laugh)
Kate: GOT IT! YOUR TURN, MOMMY! YOU GOT BOOGERS? LEMME SEE.
(guy in front looses it and bust out laughing with his back to us.) omg.

4 thoughts on “Oh Emma, Oh Kate

  1. I found your blog after the story about Emma, but I think I will be sticking around. Your girls are so funny! I have an almost 2 year old who comes out with some great ones too. Thanks for sharing!!

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