Monday’s at 4:30…

….you can bet I’m at the gym. I’m in the”Strictly Strength” class.

The class is good but what makes me tell everyone about the class is the instructor.

This instructor is HILARIOUS. Maybe I’m not making myself clear – she’s so funny that I actually laugh during my workout, sometimes I smile if I can’t laugh because of the amount of weights I’m working with.

She has a raspy voice. She’s loud. She’s clear. She laughs at her own jokes. I want to be her friend.

Lines of hers that I have remembered –

(Week of Thanksgiving) Lunges: “Let’s turn that fatty dark turkey meat into some WHITE MEAT! Let’s go! Gimme 8 more. Down. Up. There ain’t gunna be no DARK MEAT in this house. LEAN MEAT ONLY! You can show off to that turkey on TURKEY. DAY! Say, look at this white meat, Mr. Turkey. Are you jealous of  THAT. Boom. Keep going…

Bicep curls: Pick up those lighter weights! Oh! It’s a baby! Pick up that newborn baby! 1! 2!3!4! Keep going! All left arm! All right arm! Now, put down those weights and pick up those heavy weights. You just got yourself a toddler! Baby is growin’ up! This is mother nature at WORK! Pick up that toddler! 1!2!3!4!

(Day after Christmas, only 10 people showed up): Oh, you brave souls! My angels, you gunna hang with me the day after Christmas?! You all had EGG NOG, didn’t you?! Look me in the eye and say you didn’t have egg nog! I KNEW IT! I’m gunna help you just say no to some EGG! NOG!

(Day after Christmas): This is the day! The day…you can’t…have anymore…of those COOKIES! Santa’s over! He ate all his cookies! No more cookies, you Santas! Done! Over! You’re under my wing now!

(First class of 2012) Plank: Where have some of you been! Momma was worried about you! I’m gunna make you work EXTRA hard for all that RED BULL you drank over New Years! Oh, yes Ma’am! Hold that plank for one minute! It’s Monday! Lookin’ 20-12 in. the. face!

Butt kickbacks: Oh, Mr. Time! Here you are again. We survived 20-11 and we’re going take down 20-12 too. Mr. Time ain’t gunna take anything from us! Nooo, no! My angels. I won’t let it HAPPEN! We gunna come out of 20-12 looking like Mr. TIME didn’t touch us! No, sir!

On backs, inner thighs: Oh, my favorite! Everyone forgets about the inner thighs. When someone asks what part of the leg you worked out, people say ‘calves, hamstring, quads, maybe even some butt…but no one remembers to do the inner thighs! I’m gunna wake that up forgotten mess down there! GO! Singles! Now pulse it! Lemme tell you a story..it was a dream of mine a few years ago. Keep going…1…2…3…4! Don’t stop! In my dream, Oprah came up to me. Gayle too, Gayle was there with her. Now pulse for 8! Good! Now slow for 2! And Oprah told me, ‘Jodie! It’s very important for you to understand this. You got to do something for me. And I said ‘what is it, Oprah? Oprah said to me, ‘you need to spread the word: EVERYONE MUST WORK ON INNER THIGH! Did you HEAR that?? Straight from Oprah’s mouth! INNER THIGH! Keep going!

Triceps and shoulder flys on back: Come on my little Michelangelos! Sculpt those arms like the STATUE. OF. DAVID! You’re carvers! You’re my ANGELS! (She’s an art teacher during the day)

Butt kickbacks: OhhhhOHHHHH!! Someone. Someone just tossed another log into the fire! You better push those legs up higher!

Warmup, a Brittany Spears song comes on: Oh Britney. Damn her. I tried to get rid of her in 20-11. But she’s still hangin’ on. We’ll hope she stops singing this year.

Frontal shoulder raises: Pick up that grocery sack! Pick it up! Up! Groceries got to be put on the table! Keep going!

This woman is absolutely out of control. These lines are so much funnier when she says them. I’m not sure they’ll come across hilarious when written down. I tried to capture her voice though. She has to think of her jokes beforehand. Today, she even said “I thought of that one yesterday”. I have been to many gyms and have taken many classes. I have never had a teacher quite like her. I’m glad she teaches this class on a Monday. It’s exactly what I need to start the week. I’m looking forward to her class during the summer. I can only imagine the bikini and tank top jokes she’ll throw at us.

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