I would NEVER use breastfeeding aka “I’m burning 500 calories a day anyway” as an excuse to cut my cardio workout short.
I would NEVER slowly toss Scott’s massive t-shirt collection to Good Will. And I would NEVER toss a pair of jeans that I think don’t look good on him.
I would NEVER give Emma “grilled cheese” by toasting the bread then putting cheese in the middle and microwaving it until the cheese melts.
I would NEVER let Emma, age 2, watch Will Ferrell’s The Landlord.
I would NEVER video tape my 2-year-old running around the house yelling, “give me my money, you bitches!” Never.
I would NEVER buy the biggest container of draino once a week because my hair falls out in clumps thanks to my post-baby hormones.
I would NEVER eat the really good, but really bad-for-you ice cream before bed even if I’ve had the world’s biggest meal for dinner. Every. Single. Night.
And I would NEVER seriously think about spraying Scott’s hunt clothes with perfume the night before he hunts just so the deer can smell him coming.