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Another ebola post.

20 Oct

I’m a big believer in “if it’s my time to die, it’s my time to die.”

If my plane goes down, I guess I’ll go holding hands with a stranger.

If I get whacked in the head with a foul ball because I was paying more attention to my nachos, well, at least my last meal was beer and nachos.

If I get ebola, they’ll still let me have my laptop in the hospital room, right? I can live tweet my own death.

Ebola. Yes, it’s scary. No, I’m not worried about catching it.

Just like I wasn’t worried about the bird flu, swine flu or H1N1. Are any of those the same thing? I will say I was rooting for Y2K to blow up the computers. I was a senior in high school and wanted out early.

But I do worry.

There are worse things to worry about in life than ebola:

  • Cracking a tooth on frozen Halloween candy because I have no damn self control.
  • San Francisco Giants fans.
Losing my Oklahoma friend, Carmen, after KSU beat Oklahoma this weekend.

Losing my Oklahoma friend, Carmen, after KSU beat Oklahoma this weekend.

  • We are 2.5 years away from re-living middle school.
  • Scott leaving his house for a tree stand when his daughters start wearing bras.
  • Wrinkles and saggy boobs.
Scott baking with the kids in the kitchen.

Scott baking with the kids in the kitchen.

  • Facebook, in general.
Having nights like this.

Having nights that end like this.

  • “Mom, will you check my butt to see if I wiped good?”
"Hey Emma, take a picture next to the camera guy and tell Nana that you're helping film the Royals!"

“Hey Emma, take a picture next to the camera guy and tell Nana you’re helping film the Royals!”

Really dude?

People not doing their job.

  • Never having the amount of money Pinterest thinks I have.
Avoiding eye contact while using this machine at the gym.

Avoiding eye contact while using this machine at the gym.

  • Wondering if my blog is shit.
  • Wondering if I am shit.
3rd grade math. I don't get it.

3rd grade math – I don’t get it.

On a scale of 1 - 10, how likely is Scott going to murder me for sneaking this picture of a child ghost into his trail cam picture files?

On a scale of 1 – 10, how likely is Scott going to murder me for sneaking this picture of a child ghost into his trail cam picture files?

  • Waking up to an Oklahoma flag flying on my house.
  • Having matches on hand.
Getting caught stalking this guy so I could get a good picture to send my friends with caption - "my vag hurts."

Getting caught stalking this guy so I could get a picture to send my friends with caption – “my vag hurts. LOL.”

  • Wondering if my friends traveling back from South Africa will understand our concern when they come home to a plastic-wrapped house with caution tape all over.

 

Are you worried about ebola? Did you worry about other mass epidemics? What do you worry about for no good reason? 

ebola

The selfish post.

13 Oct

I was left with a mind-boggling question. I still don’t know the answer to it.

It is confirmed that I’m the lamest person on earth.

This question was brought to Scott and me by our good friends, Danny and Christine.

Danny and Christine are somewhere over the Atlantic right now. They have 15 hours left on a plane since their last text message was sent to us around dinner time.

This picture will post before they even land. I hope I have their permission.

This picture will post Monday morning before they even land. I hope I have their permission.

 

They are flying to Johannesburg, South Africa. They are going on an African hunt trip. I told you we are good friends. What’s that saying? Birds of feather, flock together? Yeah, Scott wishes he was flocking with them on their 18 hour flight right now. Danny has his eyes on a baboon. Christine has her eyes on…well, I don’t know what Christine is doing there but I hope she takes a selfie with a lion.

One of our last conversations before they left -

“What would you do if you won the lottery? Not a few thousand dollars, but billions. Let’s say money is no longer a worry for you. You set aside money for the kids to live well. You set aside money for your families. How would you spoil yourself?”

I gave them a blank look.

Me: Oh. Um. Well, I have a laptop to write. I have books to read. I don’t have any other hobbies. Oh my gosh, who am I? Maybe start a publishing company?

Danny: You need a publisher? I know one.

Me: Oh! What? Well, really? That still doesn’t answer the question. Ummm…

I’ve been racking my brain. Am I human? Am I boring? Am I happy? Let me tell you, there has been some soul searching going on this weekend. I asked Scott again. Maybe he will find my answer.

Me: What did you say to Christine and Danny’s question? Buy hunting land?

Scott: I would buy hunting land in Kansas or Iowa as an investment.

Me: Investment?

Scott: And hunting purposes.

Me: If money didn’t matter, why would you need the investment?

Scott: The statistics show most lotto winners go bankrupt. I would have to prepare for that and make an investment. I would also buy you a house in the Keys.

Me: No, buying me a house is not a selfish reason. I’m talking about YOU. How would you spend money on just you.

Scott: Oh, ok. Hold on. Let me think…

Me: Really?

Scott: What? Is this a trick question?

Me: Nope. Go ahead.

Scott: I would start my own business of some sort.

Me: Money doesn’t matter! You would go back to work?

Scott: I would get bored. Maybe I would open a sports bar in Aggieville.

Me: Do you want your daughters going to K-State when their dad owns a bar in Aggieville?

Scott: Hm, yeah that might end bad. I would get a new truck, all jacked up. I know! I would make a sick hunting lodge for all my friends to use. I would build one in Kansas, Iowa, Florida, New Mexico. I would buy up elk tags too.

Me: (rolling my eyes)

Scott: This is a trick question. What do you want me to get you?

Me: I don’t know!  That’s what I’m trying to think of. Fishing boat?

Scott: Our friends have those. Why buy our own?

Me: To have our own crew? Hire a captain.

Scott: Nah, we can just bum off our friends.

Me: Hm. I’m out of ideas for me.

Scott: I would also get a motorcycle. And a boat.

Me: I just asked you if you would buy a boat!

Scott: No, like a lake fishing boat.

Me: Oh. Fresh water? Really? I’ll go fish in the Dominican with our friends while you sit on a lake in Kansas.

Scott: My house would have a 4 car garage and a tandem garage to the side.

Me: Whoa! You are just radiating testosterone right now, I think I’m growing a penis just sitting next to you.

Scott: I’d like to be a farmer.

Me: You mean to tell me if you were a billionaire, you would purchase land so you can farm it?

Scott: (laughing) You know, just have fun with a tractor on farm land.

Me: What? You would be a pretend farmer?

Scott: (laughing) This is a hard question!

Me: Well, I don’t know. You have quite the man-list here.

Scott: I told you! I would buy you a house in the Keys for you and all your girlfriends to hang out.

Me: Yeah, a house in the Keys would be cool but apparently I am already getting that from you. I would need a boat to fish from, nothing fancy. What is wrong with me? I don’t know how to spoil myself? I hate shopping. I do like to travel but buying a private jet is out because if a jet is going down, it’s always the small private jets. Nope.

Scott: You have serious problems.

Me: Wait, I got it! I would buy tickets to the Super Bowl every year. And every K-State game. College Football Championship tickets. Oh! And the World Series! There! There’s my answer – front row seats to every major sporting event. That’s how I would spoil myself. That’s a good answer, right? We would have fun!

Scott: You do know the Royals won’t play in every World Series.

Me: Yes, I know that, Scott. But I would still wear my Royals gear.

Scott: And my wife grew a penis.

Me: Take a selfie with a lion?

Scott: Oh, she’s back.

 

Your turn! How would you spoil yourself if you won billions of dollars? Be selfish. What are your hobbies? Would you still invest money if you didn’t have to worry about money anymore? If you had to fish with one of us – would you pick marlin fishing with me or bass fishing with Scott? 

lion

The more you know.

24 Sep

This isn’t a planned post.

I love it when life sends me a blog-worthy jewel to share.

You guys, I cannot even make this up.

Scott and I lead separate lives during the fall. He hunts. And I mindlessly escape from life on Pinterest: the humor section. It’s the land of my people.

A pin goes through my feed. Pinned by my friend, Carmen -

...

Hmm. I don’t get it. I should ask Carmen what this means. 

Comment by Amanda: Bahahaha. That’s hilarious.

Comment by Carmen: I know, right?! Can’t stop laughing.

Doesn’t matter, had sex. Doesn’t matter. Had sex. How is this funny? Well, now I have to ask. 

Comment by me: I don’t get it? Am I dumb?

Comment by Carmen: She bit his head off … that’s what a female praying mantis does after or during sex … typical male … “doesn’t matter. Had sex.”

Comment by me: Ohhhhh! Ok, I get it now. I didn’t know the females did that. Hahahaha.

 

———

12 hours later.

Text message from Scott:

I got bit by this.

I just got bit by this.

 

Welcome back to Bug Bytes, Scott.

 

nbc_the_more_you_know

Penises are ugly anyway.

8 Sep

Allison: Mel wants a classy bachelorette party. No veil. No penises. Just some drinks and shopping with girlfriends on the Plaza.

Me: Yeah, I figured that is what she would want.

Allison: This is why I’m counting on you to bring the party.

Me: I won’t let her down. Penises are ugly anyway. Do you have Flat Shelly? I got word that she’s at your house.

Allison: Flat Shelly is here and ready.

Me: This will be good.

* The real Shelly was attending a funeral in Nebraska. I don’t know how the real Shelly kept a straight face with the string of pictures sent to her phone.

________

Let's roll.

Let’s roll. TEAM BRIDE. Boom!

Cheers!

And we’re off! Cheers!

A little bourbon never hurt anyone.

A little bourbon never hurt anyone.

The cocktails have ran dry.

Happy hour is over.

Time to shop!

That’s ok! We have shopping to do!

Namaste.

Namaste.

Has anyone seen Shelly?

Ok. Who left Flat Shelly alone with a gourd on the table?

That bourbon is making us sleepy. Starbucks!

The bourbon made us sleepy. Starbucks!

She's an angel.

The bride has arrived to Victoria Secret. I repeat – the bride has arrived to Victoria Secret. Wait, is Shelly wearing wings?

And then all of the sudden, she was in the changing room with Mel and we got kicked out for taking pictures!

Melanie’s honeymoon lingerie is Flat Shelly approved.

Dinner time. Shot with the bride time.

Dinner time. Shots with the bride time.

Hey, our waiter looks like Enrique.

Hey, our waiter looks like Enrique.

No, not Pitbull. ENRIQUE.

No, not Pitbull. ENRIQUE.

Vodka

Vodka from Enrique!

Hurry up, Gina. We have to pee.

Hurry up, Gina. We have to pee.

Wait, who's carrying Shelly?

Wait, who is that? Oh, Shelly.

Oh look! Shelly made some new friends!

Oh look! Shelly made some new friends! Hey, someone needs to get Shelly’s hand out of that girl’s drink.

We love you too. We love everyone here.

We love you too, Shelly. We love you too.

Cut her off. Drink some water, girlfriend.

She’s cut off. Drink some water.

I mean, really?

I mean, really?

She's the life of the party.

Enrique’s back! Ah! And there she goes…making out with the bride. We’re not in college, Shelly.

She just puked in her soup bowl.

And she just puked in her soup bowl.

Why is she staring at me?

She’s got that dazed look in her eye.

The morning after…

Shelly?

And she still has a smile on her face.

Flat Shelly got even dirtier but a certain penis in my household told me I would get a few of us fired from our jobs if I posted them. 

What is the best bachelor/bachelorette party you have been to? What did you do at your bachelor/bachelorette party? Would you trust your friends to take a “Flat You” out on the town? 

 

Untitled

The cold never bothered me anyway.

18 Aug

Emma: Mommy, why are we dumping a bucket of water on your head after school?

Me: Well, people want to help fight a disease called ALS.

Emma: What is ALS?

Me: Here, let’s look it up. Ok. It’s a disease. It starts in the brain and it attacks the muscles. If someone gets ALS they won’t be able to move or swallow. They eventually cannot breathe. And there is no cure. People are video taping themselves getting a bucket of ice water dumped on their head to raise awareness. And they are donating money to help figure out how to stop the disease.

Emma: But why a bucket of ice water?

Me: I don’t know. It’s a challenge maybe? It’s a little crazy, huh?

Kate: Elsa would like it.

Me: Ha! She would.

 

 

A shout out to my two crazy, talented friends -

Click here to wish Carmen Carver warm thoughts – Carmen Carver Photography and Design.

Click here to watch Justin Liebergen on his YouTube show, Vash and Justin.

Click here to donate to the ALS Association.  – I also nominate everyone that hasn’t dumped a bucket of ice water over your head to donate. I don’t want our kids explaining to their kids what ALS is.

I bobbed for apples in the Atlantic ocean.

4 Aug

“How am I going to write about this?”

I asked myself this question a lot.

I want to tell you our Dominican Republic fishing trip was amazing. But I can’t write that. That’s boring. That doesn’t tell you anything.

Our Dominican Republic fishing trip was amazing.

Man versus fish. No, no – man versus a really angry fish. No. Man versus the holy grail of fish in the sea. Man versus marlin.

Or woman versus Taylor Swift fan.

Did you know bobbing for apples on a boat in the Atlantic while listening to Taylor Swift’s Red and tossing chocolate at the captain will get a marlin to bite?

We really did bob for apples.

There’s a Go Pro camera at the bottom of that bucket filming our faces because Brett is hilarious. HILARIOUS.

A 5 day marlin fishing trip in the Dominican Republic. No sightseeing. No laying out on the beach. No overpriced day excursions. No fancy restaurants. No fruity cocktails with an umbrella straw served by a cute Dominican boy.

I mean, let’s call this trip what it really is – it’s a guys trip.

How did my pretty coconuts get permission aboard? Well, men like pretty coconuts. The trick to sneaking on a guys trip is you do not be Taylor Swift. Drama and whining about men will get you thrown overboard. Your red lipstick tube will be flying in right after you. You sit back, grab a beer, enjoy the view and become one of the guys.

That smell wasn't me.

I swear that smell wasn’t me.

There’s a bite.

It’s time.

A reel is thrown in your hands and a fighting belt appears on your waist.

The ocean noise level goes up. The waves grow larger. Weren’t we just gently rocking? What happened to Taylor?

Mother nature is pissed off. A damn fish is trying to pull you into the ocean. The fish wants to drown you.

Pain sears through your arms. They feel like the color red. Seriously, what happened to Taylor? Your knees get slammed against the boat. Then your hips. You tip over. Someone grabs you tight from behind. Another person is holding a camera in your face. Why the hell are we filming now!? There’s yelling from someone but you don’t know who. The only thing you can focus on is the voice and pain.

“Keep reeling! Stop! Let him take the line! Keep your reel tip up! Ok, now use the waves! Reel down with the wave. Pull up as the wave goes up. Reel down, pull up. Good. You’re doing great.”

The captain yells from above,

“We got a jumper! White marlin!”

You look up and see your fish. It clicks. The boat is on your side. The waves are helping you. The boat moans as it backs down on the fish. Water pours over your waist and into the boat. It puddles around your ankles.

whitemarlin

“Move to the left! Quick! Keep the line tight! THERE’S COLOR! Step back and keep the line tight! We’re going to lift him up for a picture. Then we’ll tag and release him. Step back! Step back!”

I turned into a man.

And then I turned into a man.

It was an adrenaline-fueled fishing trip in the Dominican Republic. We caught and released a total of 5 blue marlins and one white marlin. There are not a lot of people from Kansas that can say that, especially women. Marlin fishing versus sitting in the sand – I’ll take marlin fishing. I fish for women everywhere.

Thank you!

To Captain Q! Thank you!

A huge thank you to everyone on the Get Lit – Kitt, Brett, Brent, Kelly and Captain Q – you guys are wild and I love it. We can’t wait for next year!

We also want to thank everyone on the Fish Tank for taking us out for a day – Chris, Justin, and Ben – thank you for shooting Brett in the ass with a paint gun. That superstition worked better than bobbing for apples.

We love a good selfie.

The Get Lit team and Fish Tank team – we love a good selfie.

 

DSC_0415

Ask a cop.

21 Jul

Have you ever wanted to sit down with a cop and ask a ton of questions without fear of getting arrested? Or laughed at?

Oh.

Well, I do.

And I did. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on my couch – not my car or heavy machinery – and fired away.

Go check out my questions to Officer Don at Don of All Trades!

Click here

Click here

 

What questions do you have for a cop? Do you cry to get out of tickets? Do you have an old prom date sitting in prison and need help to find out what happened? Don would totally do that for you. 

 

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