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Penises are ugly anyway.

8 Sep

Allison: Mel wants a classy bachelorette party. No veil. No penises. Just some drinks and shopping with girlfriends on the Plaza.

Me: Yeah, I figured that is what she would want.

Allison: This is why I’m counting on you to bring the party.

Me: I won’t let her down. Penises are ugly anyway. Do you have Flat Shelly? I got word that she’s at your house.

Allison: Flat Shelly is here and ready.

Me: This will be good.

* The real Shelly was attending a funeral in Nebraska. I don’t know how the real Shelly kept a straight face with the string of pictures sent to her phone.

________

Let's roll.

Let’s roll. TEAM BRIDE. Boom!

Cheers!

And we’re off! Cheers!

A little bourbon never hurt anyone.

A little bourbon never hurt anyone.

The cocktails have ran dry.

Happy hour is over.

Time to shop!

That’s ok! We have shopping to do!

Namaste.

Namaste.

Has anyone seen Shelly?

Ok. Who left Flat Shelly alone with a gourd on the table?

That bourbon is making us sleepy. Starbucks!

The bourbon made us sleepy. Starbucks!

She's an angel.

The bride has arrived to Victoria Secret. I repeat – the bride has arrived to Victoria Secret. Wait, is Shelly wearing wings?

And then all of the sudden, she was in the changing room with Mel and we got kicked out for taking pictures!

Melanie’s honeymoon lingerie is Flat Shelly approved.

Dinner time. Shot with the bride time.

Dinner time. Shots with the bride time.

Hey, our waiter looks like Enrique.

Hey, our waiter looks like Enrique.

No, not Pitbull. ENRIQUE.

No, not Pitbull. ENRIQUE.

Vodka

Vodka from Enrique!

Hurry up, Gina. We have to pee.

Hurry up, Gina. We have to pee.

Wait, who's carrying Shelly?

Wait, who is that? Oh, Shelly.

Oh look! Shelly made some new friends!

Oh look! Shelly made some new friends! Hey, someone needs to get Shelly’s hand out of that girl’s drink.

We love you too. We love everyone here.

We love you too, Shelly. We love you too.

Cut her off. Drink some water, girlfriend.

She’s cut off. Drink some water.

I mean, really?

I mean, really?

She's the life of the party.

Enrique’s back! Ah! And there she goes…making out with the bride. We’re not in college, Shelly.

She just puked in her soup bowl.

And she just puked in her soup bowl.

Why is she staring at me?

She’s got that dazed look in her eye.

The morning after…

Shelly?

And she still has a smile on her face.

Flat Shelly got even dirtier but a certain penis in my household told me I would get a few of us fired from our jobs if I posted them. 

What is the best bachelor/bachelorette party you have been to? What did you do at your bachelor/bachelorette party? Would you trust your friends to take a “Flat You” out on the town? 

 

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The cold never bothered me anyway.

18 Aug

Emma: Mommy, why are we dumping a bucket of water on your head after school?

Me: Well, people want to help fight a disease called ALS.

Emma: What is ALS?

Me: Here, let’s look it up. Ok. It’s a disease. It starts in the brain and it attacks the muscles. If someone gets ALS they won’t be able to move or swallow. They eventually cannot breathe. And there is no cure. People are video taping themselves getting a bucket of ice water dumped on their head to raise awareness. And they are donating money to help figure out how to stop the disease.

Emma: But why a bucket of ice water?

Me: I don’t know. It’s a challenge maybe? It’s a little crazy, huh?

Kate: Elsa would like it.

Me: Ha! She would.

 

 

A shout out to my two crazy, talented friends -

Click here to wish Carmen Carver warm thoughts – Carmen Carver Photography and Design.

Click here to watch Justin Liebergen on his YouTube show, Vash and Justin.

Click here to donate to the ALS Association.  – I also nominate everyone that hasn’t dumped a bucket of ice water over your head to donate. I don’t want our kids explaining to their kids what ALS is.

I bobbed for apples in the Atlantic ocean.

4 Aug

“How am I going to write about this?”

I asked myself this question a lot.

I want to tell you our Dominican Republic fishing trip was amazing. But I can’t write that. That’s boring. That doesn’t tell you anything.

Our Dominican Republic fishing trip was amazing.

Man versus fish. No, no – man versus a really angry fish. No. Man versus the holy grail of fish in the sea. Man versus marlin.

Or woman versus Taylor Swift fan.

Did you know bobbing for apples on a boat in the Atlantic while listening to Taylor Swift’s Red and tossing chocolate at the captain will get a marlin to bite?

We really did bob for apples.

There’s a Go Pro camera at the bottom of that bucket filming our faces because Brett is hilarious. HILARIOUS.

A 5 day marlin fishing trip in the Dominican Republic. No sightseeing. No laying out on the beach. No overpriced day excursions. No fancy restaurants. No fruity cocktails with an umbrella straw served by a cute Dominican boy.

I mean, let’s call this trip what it really is – it’s a guys trip.

How did my pretty coconuts get permission aboard? Well, men like pretty coconuts. The trick to sneaking on a guys trip is you do not be Taylor Swift. Drama and whining about men will get you thrown overboard. Your red lipstick tube will be flying in right after you. You sit back, grab a beer, enjoy the view and become one of the guys.

That smell wasn't me.

I swear that smell wasn’t me.

There’s a bite.

It’s time.

A reel is thrown in your hands and a fighting belt appears on your waist.

The ocean noise level goes up. The waves grow larger. Weren’t we just gently rocking? What happened to Taylor?

Mother nature is pissed off. A damn fish is trying to pull you into the ocean. The fish wants to drown you.

Pain sears through your arms. They feel like the color red. Seriously, what happened to Taylor? Your knees get slammed against the boat. Then your hips. You tip over. Someone grabs you tight from behind. Another person is holding a camera in your face. Why the hell are we filming now!? There’s yelling from someone but you don’t know who. The only thing you can focus on is the voice and pain.

“Keep reeling! Stop! Let him take the line! Keep your reel tip up! Ok, now use the waves! Reel down with the wave. Pull up as the wave goes up. Reel down, pull up. Good. You’re doing great.”

The captain yells from above,

“We got a jumper! White marlin!”

You look up and see your fish. It clicks. The boat is on your side. The waves are helping you. The boat moans as it backs down on the fish. Water pours over your waist and into the boat. It puddles around your ankles.

whitemarlin

“Move to the left! Quick! Keep the line tight! THERE’S COLOR! Step back and keep the line tight! We’re going to lift him up for a picture. Then we’ll tag and release him. Step back! Step back!”

I turned into a man.

And then I turned into a man.

It was an adrenaline-fueled fishing trip in the Dominican Republic. We caught and released a total of 5 blue marlins and one white marlin. There are not a lot of people from Kansas that can say that, especially women. Marlin fishing versus sitting in the sand – I’ll take marlin fishing. I fish for women everywhere.

Thank you!

To Captain Q! Thank you!

A huge thank you to everyone on the Get Lit – Kitt, Brett, Brent, Kelly and Captain Q – you guys are wild and I love it. We can’t wait for next year!

We also want to thank everyone on the Fish Tank for taking us out for a day – Chris, Justin, and Ben – thank you for shooting Brett in the ass with a paint gun. That superstition worked better than bobbing for apples.

We love a good selfie.

The Get Lit team and Fish Tank team – we love a good selfie.

 

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Ask a cop.

21 Jul

Have you ever wanted to sit down with a cop and ask a ton of questions without fear of getting arrested? Or laughed at?

Oh.

Well, I do.

And I did. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on my couch – not my car or heavy machinery – and fired away.

Go check out my questions to Officer Don at Don of All Trades!

Click here

Click here

 

What questions do you have for a cop? Do you cry to get out of tickets? Do you have an old prom date sitting in prison and need help to find out what happened? Don would totally do that for you. 

 

Ramrod Key.

8 Jul

Ok, I sorta feel bad.

1. My coffee machine isn’t working. My pre-vacation self didn’t bother to fix it before we left. Damn her.

2. I gloated on social media about being in the Keys. We all did. I blame the rum.

There is a family reunion held in the Florida Keys. It’s always over the 4th of July. This family reunion is a little different. The families that reunite do not share a last name. Most of us don’t live in the same state. It started out as a group of South Florida friends traveling to the Keys with their children to celebrate the 4th of July.

This is the 20th year.

The group knows too much about each other to be considered friends – we’re family. We have seen each other in our best swimsuits. We have seen each other with our worst hangovers. We’re never pretty. We are sunburnt, covered in bug bites and tipsy by lunch. Hey, a nip slip can happen to anyone. Some of us smell like coconut sunscreen. Some smell like dead fish. We all smell like rum. The house tiki bar never closes. No one talks about their problems they left behind. But we do know who is on team vodka, team tequila and team whiskey. The kitchen is always stocked with homemade food. The backyard is the Atlantic ocean, ready for anyone to hop in.

Or flip in

Scott uses the quickest route possible.

The family reunion is held 90 miles from Cuba.

photo-29

Kate won’t smile for Cuba.

I lied. Key West is 90 miles from Cuba. Our home base is Ramrod Key, about 110 miles from Cuba. Ramrod Key is a sleepy, little fishing town. She wakes up when her once-a-year crew arrives.

'MERICA!

AMERICA!! How much do you love us, T. Jefferson??

Of course, you can get closer than 90 miles to Cuba. I caught this handsome beast looking Cuba in the face. That’s right, I said AMERICA!!

Bull dolphin.

My big catch! A bull dolphin – also called mahi mahi.

I'm so proud of this thing.

We eat well in the Keys.

Fish taco, anyone?

Each dolphin was reeled in by a WOMAN with the men cheering them on.

We’re luckier than most to have a family like this. If it wasn’t for the company, pictures of palm trees and water on social media would be pretty boring.

photo-33

2014: Ramrod Key crew boarded on the Loose Cannon.

I love these women.

Team Whiskey, Team Vodka, Team Tequila, and Team Whiskey. Until next year!

I trust you with my iPhone while I’m gone.

28 Jun

I will not be posting a Monday post next week.

I’ll be floating on a noodle off the Florida Keys with a cocktail in hand. Or I will be in a boat putting up the big fight against a trophy Mahi. The fishing reports are excellent.

I trust you guys to watch over my blog until I get back. Make yourself at home. Snoop around. Oh, here. These should keep you entertained – my iPhone pictures. Have fun!

 

I think Siri does autocorrects. She's a funny one.

I think Siri is behind the autocorrects. She’s a funny one.

 

Tina is on the short list.

Tina is on the short list.

 

The funniest thing about this picture is I was holding a treat because the dogs wouldn't smile for my picture. I put the treat away after I got my shot.

The funniest thing about this picture is I was holding a treat because the dogs wouldn’t smile for my picture. I put the treat away after I got my shot.

 

Oh, hey. How did that get there?

Oh, hey. How did that get there?

 

I don't live a glamorous life.

I don’t live a glamorous life.

 

This is a real thing.

This is a real camping thing.

 

How sweet. A Mother's Day card.

How sweet. A Mother’s Day card.

 

She knows her mother too well.

The fine print never lies.

 

That's funny. They printed it upside down!

That’s funny. They printed it upside down.

 

Ok! Ok! I'll stop the trash talk. Geez.

Ok! Ok! I’ll stop the trash talk. I start twitching when football season gets close.

 

Do I really have a wild look to me?

Do I really have a wild Indian look to me?

 

That adorable niece of mine.

That adorable niece of mine.

 

He's so cool.

He’s so cool.

 

Please invite me to your White Elephant Christmas party. Please.

Please invite me to your White Elephant Christmas party. Please.

 

Why take a car when you can take a lawn mower down city streets?

Why take a car when you can take a lawn mower down the ‘hood streets?

 

One of my biggest parenting decisions is to introduce Emma to her own iPod with text messaging.

One of my biggest parenting mistakes is giving Emma her own iPod with text messaging.

 

Sometimes Pinterest pins tell it the best.

Sometimes Pinterest tells it best.

 

Belle

Babies can sense danger.

 

Too old

I’m still too old for Bachelorette parties.

 

What would YOU do?

I mean, what would YOU do?

 

 

This is a fake post.

23 Jun

I had a real post ready today.

I spent the majority of my Sunday night writing and laughing in bed. Scott asked what I was writing about. I told him our upcoming vacation.

He said if I publicly post about our vacation, he would divorce me. Our house could get broken into if people knew we would be gone.

You guys, I’ve posted about upcoming vacations before – like every time we go.

You know nothing about this upcoming vacation. 

And I’m in no mood to hire a divorce attorney.

I’ll just write about my neighbors on vacation. 

The details

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. LOOK! SAME ART.

 

they pulled through

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. LOOK! THE SHITTER’S FULL.

 

See Scott – everything is fine. Their houses were not robbed. I had their door handles connected to a hot iron. Joe Pesci might show up when the automatic Christmas lights go on.

 

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