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Did you put a bench in my trunk?

14 Nov

If you prank me, I’m going to get you back. My revenge will fail miserably and end up in a blog post.

There’s a kid around here wearing plaid and singing E-I-E-I-O on the old-new bench his parent brought home.

 

Me: Scott, did you put a bench in my trunk?

Scott: A bench? That sounds familiar. Maybe.

Me: Well, it would have been yesterday. It was within the last day.

Scott: What do you mean a bench?

Me: A bench. A child’s bench. Kinda rustic, Old MacDonald E-I-E-I-O looking.

Scott: What?

Me: Well, being the good samaritan I am, I took some of your old shirts to Goodwill tonight. When I opened my trunk, a bench was in there. Go look at it.

Scott: No. Where did this come from?

Me: I told you. I. Don’t. Know!

Scott: Text your mom.

Me: Why would my mom and dad put it in my trunk? They would put it in my house or garage if they thought I wanted it.

_____

Text message to mom: Did you or dad put a bench in my trunk?

Mom: Nope. So you leave your car unlocked?

Me: There is a random bench in the back of my car. I always keep my car in the garage.

Mom: When was your car unattended?

Me: Never. I know there was nothing in my trunk yesterday afternoon because I opened my trunk with my neighbor to see if these shutters would fit in my car. There was nothing in my trunk. Then tonight I open my trunk to fill it with Goodwill stuff and there’s a freakin’ bench in it.

Mom: Sounds like a Jayhawker.

_____

Me: Scott, it wasn’t my mom or dad. I think I believe her. I’m so confused and freaked out right now. Was our garage open last night?

Scott: No. Text your girlfriends.

Me: Why would any of my friends do that? It’s not even that funny. I can’t ask everyone if they put a bench in my trunk. It’s starting to sound dirty after repeating this in my head. “Did you put a bench in my trunk? And not that trunk.”

Scott: We’re going to find out who did this. Text them.

Me: Ugh.

_____

Text message to Heather: Did you put a bench in my trunk?

Heather: Um, no. I’m still working on finding you some chairs.

Me: Oh, ok. There’s a bench in my trunk.

Heather: Wtf?

_____

Me: Ok, it wasn’t Heather.

Scott: Didn’t you watch the game at Jeff and Theresa’s this weekend?

Me: Yeah.

Scott: Well, are you sure you didn’t get drunk and take a bench home?

Me: WHAT?! Uh, one – this appeared within the last 24 hours. Not from the weekend. I know my trunk was empty yesterday afternoon. I opened it with Christine to see if these shutters would fit inside. And, two – yes, I had a few cocktails since my soul was crushed by the K-State loss. But I know, I KNOW, that drunk me would never take a kid’s bench home.

Scott: Text Theresa.

Me: No! I’m not asking Theresa if I drunk stole a bench from their house. You text Jeff.

Scott: Text Christine.

_____

Text message to Christine: Did you put a bench in my trunk?

_____

Me: Christine’s not answering. I was with her all afternoon. She would have told me she put a bench in my trunk.

Scott: Ok. Someone had access to your car at some point in the last 24 hours. Think.

Me: Kid’s bench…it has to be trash? …….Oh. Oh no. Surely, she wouldn’t do this. Why would she do this?

_____

Text message to Carmen: Did you put a bench in my trunk?

Carmen: Well, I didn’t but…

Me: IT WAS YOU!

Carmen: It wasn’t me. It was Keith. And actually, we completely forgot about it until now. He wanted to see how long it would take for you to find it.

Me: WHAT?!

Me: Do you know how many people I asked if they put a bench in my trunk?

Carmen: We’re dying laughing…

Me: I asked my mom! She told me to stop leaving my car unlocked! Scott accused me of drunk stealing a bench from Jeff and Theresa’s! I texted Heather, asking if she put a bench in my trunk! I still haven’t heard from Christine. I asked her if she put a bench in my trunk too. Jesus.

Carmen: Dying. Keith can’t breathe. It’s trash. You can throw it away.

Me: When did he do this?

Carmen: He could have swore you saw him. You were in Christine’s house and he said you looked out the window and saw him.

Me: I remember looking out the window. But I was watching Doug take a wheelbarrow from your house. I am the most unobservant person ever. I never saw Keith near my car.

Carmen: It took him forever to load it. He thought he was caught.

Me: So I’ve been driving this thing around all day?

Carmen: LMAO

_____

Text message to mom: It was a Sooner, not a Jayhawk. Neighbor played a prank.

_____

Next morning.

Scott: What are you doing?

Me: Putting this bench front and center of our driveway. Keith and Carmen will have to drive by it before school in its full glory. Ha! Look at it! It’s hilarious!

Bench

Did you put a bench in my trunk?

_____

Scott: Have you heard from Carmen yet?

Me: No. Hmmm…actually….I think they carpool in the mornings. They probably didn’t see it. I’ll leave it for when school gets out. I know Carmen will drive by. Maybe I’ll print a life size picture of Keith. I’ll make him sit on the bench and wave. I’ll do that tomorrow. I don’t have time today.

I picked up my kids from school and pulled in an empty driveway.

GONE. The bench was gone.

_____

Text message to Carmen: Did you take the bench?

Carmen: What?

Me: I showcased the bench on my driveway for you and Keith. It’s GONE. Someone took it.

Carmen: WHAT???

Me: You said it was trash. Someone else thought so too. They took it. I can’t stop laughing at this picture.

Carmen: NO!

Me: I know! My next step was to print a real life-size picture of Keith. And make him wave to all the cars that pass by.

Carmen: No! I want the bench back!

Me: Me too!

_____

To the plaid-wearing kid – have fun with the bench your mom has in her trunk.

It would have gone to Goodwill anyway. I’m glad the bench is getting better use than a life-size man sitting and waving at cars.

 

Have you ever been pranked? Did you seek revenge? Have you ever taken “trash” from a house without asking? What is the best prank you’ve seen?

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The weddings turned me into an alcoholic.

3 Nov

I’m kidding about the title.

My liver is in remission – there are no more weddings on the calendar. My muscles are still twitching from the soul of Michael Jackson racing through my body during The Way You Make Me Feel on the dance floor.

We had a rush of friends profess their love in front of us this year. Not only this year but within the span of two months. One wedding sent me walking home with a tramp stamp. Another wedding pushed me off to the airport with a hangover. And the last wedding left me with nothing else to write about but I can’t move out of bed and weddings are turning me into an alcoholic.

I have been told that my blog is enjoyable to read because I don’t sugarcoat my life. I will never post a picture of Scott with the caption, “best hubby ever.” Nope, I won’t do it. Because he’s not. And Scott will tell you that I’m not the “best wife ever.” I am not. We don’t like making people roll their eyes and fake puke.

Scott and I fight. We get sad. We get annoyed with each other. We disagree.

But we also make each other laugh. We are happy. We love each other. We are honest with each other. We are human.

As a wedding guest, I don’t get a microphone in one hand and a whiskey in the other but I do get a hangover and a laptop.

To the new wives – my wedding was in an era before Pinterest. I’m jealous of the little touches you put into your weddings. My marriage has come a long way. I have learned a thing or two you won’t find on Pinterest.

  • Sex is fun. You will forget this as years go on. I don’t know what’s to blame for that – kids, hormones, age, lack of energy, boredom, all of the above. Sex shouldn’t be something you do occasionally. Be the woman. Let your hair down. Let your hair down a lot. He will never get bored with you. Go do it when you’re done reading this.
  • Men need affection. Men want hugs. He wants to be held. When he walks in the door, run to him and wrap your arms around him. He is your best friend. Best friends give hugs all the time. You will get a hug in return.
  • Accept that you will argue. If you don’t argue, you’re a liar. Here’s a teaser: Ask him what your kids’ names should be.
  • Fine, storm out. Make a scene. He will come back even if you say NO to naming your kid’s middle name Duane.
  • You’re not always right. Don’t think just because you are a woman, you are right. Sometimes he is. And sometimes God blesses you with girls so you never have to name your son Duane.
  • Hand holding in the car is essential. 
  • So are dates. Splurge on the dessert.
  • Weddings count as dates. He’s reminded you’re his own bride. You’re still the prettiest one in the room.
  • Let him have a hobby. Let him go without restrictions. He will understand when you find your hobby – such as writing about his ass, hunting all the time.
  • Find a hobby together. If salt water fishing is your couples thing even though you live in Kansas, well, hey – at least you have something to look forward to.
  • Make fun of each other’s grey hair and wrinkles. You’re growing old together. Laugh about it.
  • Don’t complain about your body to him. If you don’t like it, then fix it. He loves it. It’s you that doesn’t.
  • Be attractive. But in a way that’s only for him. If he likes your hair long, wear it long. It works both ways, you can give him the evil eye when he tries to shave his beard.
  • Let him know at the beginning that you don’t like to cook. Or clean. The expectations are much easier to meet.
  • Remind yourself the best day of your life was marrying him. Some say giving birth is the best day of their lives. Maximum pain levels and a fire crotch might be yours too. But remember that the kids leave the house. He won’t. Your family started on the day you professed your love in front of your family and free loading, alcoholic friends.
  • Get up and dance together to The Way You Make Me Feel at your friends’ weddings. 

 

How many years have you been married? Did you get married before Pinterest was invented? Do you have advice for newlyweds? Do agree or disagree with my list? Have you ever busted a move to MJ on the dance floor? 

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Another ebola post.

20 Oct

I’m a big believer in “if it’s my time to die, it’s my time to die.”

If my plane goes down, I guess I’ll go holding hands with a stranger.

If I get whacked in the head with a foul ball because I was paying more attention to my nachos, well, at least my last meal was beer and nachos.

If I get ebola, they’ll still let me have my laptop in the hospital room, right? I can live tweet my own death.

Ebola. Yes, it’s scary. No, I’m not worried about catching it.

Just like I wasn’t worried about the bird flu, swine flu or H1N1. Are any of those the same thing? I will say I was rooting for Y2K to blow up the computers. I was a senior in high school and wanted out early.

But I do worry.

There are worse things to worry about in life than ebola:

  • Cracking a tooth on frozen Halloween candy because I have no damn self control.
  • San Francisco Giants fans.
Losing my Oklahoma friend, Carmen, after KSU beat Oklahoma this weekend.

Losing my Oklahoma friend, Carmen, after KSU beat Oklahoma this weekend.

  • Being 2.5 years away from re-living middle school.
  • Scott leaving his family for a tree stand when his daughters start wearing bras.
  • Wrinkles and saggy boobs.
Scott baking with the kids in the kitchen.

Scott baking with the kids in the kitchen.

  • Facebook, in general.
Having nights like this.

Having nights that end like this.

  • “Mom, will you check my butt to see if I wiped good?”
"Hey Emma, take a picture next to the camera guy and tell Nana that you're helping film the Royals!"

“Hey Emma, take a picture next to the camera guy and tell Nana you’re helping film the Royals!”

Really dude?

People not doing their job.

  • Never having the amount of money Pinterest thinks I have.
Avoiding eye contact while using this machine at the gym.

Avoiding eye contact while using this machine at the gym.

  • Wondering if my blog is shit.
  • Wondering if I am shit.
3rd grade math. I don't get it.

3rd grade math – I don’t get it.

On a scale of 1 - 10, how likely is Scott going to murder me for sneaking this picture of a child ghost into his trail cam picture files?

Wondering how likely Scott is going to murder me for sneaking this picture of a child ghost into his trail cam picture files?

  • Waking up to an Oklahoma flag flying on my house.
  • Having matches on hand.
Getting caught stalking this guy so I could get a good picture to send my friends with caption - "my vag hurts."

Getting caught stalking this guy so I could get a picture to send my friends with caption – “my vag hurts. LOL.”

  • Wondering if my friends traveling back from South Africa will understand our concern when they come home to a plastic-wrapped house with caution tape all over. QUARANTINED.

 

Are you worried about ebola? Did you worry about other mass epidemics? What do you worry about for no good reason? 

ebola

The selfish post.

13 Oct

I was left with a mind-boggling question. I still don’t know the answer to it.

It is confirmed that I’m the lamest person on earth.

This question was brought to Scott and me by our good friends, Danny and Christine.

Danny and Christine are somewhere over the Atlantic right now. They have 15 hours left on a plane since their last text message was sent to us around dinner time.

This picture will post before they even land. I hope I have their permission.

This picture will post Monday morning before they even land. I hope I have their permission.

 

They are flying to Johannesburg, South Africa. They are going on an African hunt trip. I told you we are good friends. What’s that saying? Birds of feather, flock together? Yeah, Scott wishes he was flocking with them on their 18 hour flight right now. Danny has his eyes on a baboon. Christine has her eyes on…well, I don’t know what Christine is doing there but I hope she takes a selfie with a lion.

One of our last conversations before they left -

“What would you do if you won the lottery? Not a few thousand dollars, but billions. Let’s say money is no longer a worry for you. You set aside money for the kids to live well. You set aside money for your families. How would you spoil yourself?”

I gave them a blank look.

Me: Oh. Um. Well, I have a laptop to write. I have books to read. I don’t have any other hobbies. Oh my gosh, who am I? Maybe start a publishing company?

Danny: You need a publisher? I know one.

Me: Oh! What? Well, really? That still doesn’t answer the question. Ummm…

I’ve been racking my brain. Am I human? Am I boring? Am I happy? Let me tell you, there has been some soul searching going on this weekend. I asked Scott again. Maybe he will find my answer.

Me: What did you say to Christine and Danny’s question? Buy hunting land?

Scott: I would buy hunting land in Kansas or Iowa as an investment.

Me: Investment?

Scott: And hunting purposes.

Me: If money didn’t matter, why would you need the investment?

Scott: The statistics show most lotto winners go bankrupt. I would have to prepare for that and make an investment. I would also buy you a house in the Keys.

Me: No, buying me a house is not a selfish reason. I’m talking about YOU. How would you spend money on just you.

Scott: Oh, ok. Hold on. Let me think…

Me: Really?

Scott: What? Is this a trick question?

Me: Nope. Go ahead.

Scott: I would start my own business of some sort.

Me: Money doesn’t matter! You would go back to work?

Scott: I would get bored. Maybe I would open a sports bar in Aggieville.

Me: Do you want your daughters going to K-State when their dad owns a bar in Aggieville?

Scott: Hm, yeah that might end bad. I would get a new truck, all jacked up. I know! I would make a sick hunting lodge for all my friends to use. I would build one in Kansas, Iowa, Florida, New Mexico. I would buy up elk tags too.

Me: (rolling my eyes)

Scott: This is a trick question. What do you want me to get you?

Me: I don’t know!  That’s what I’m trying to think of. Fishing boat?

Scott: Our friends have those. Why buy our own?

Me: To have our own crew? Hire a captain.

Scott: Nah, we can just bum off our friends.

Me: Hm. I’m out of ideas for me.

Scott: I would also get a motorcycle. And a boat.

Me: I just asked you if you would buy a boat!

Scott: No, like a lake fishing boat.

Me: Oh. Fresh water? Really? I’ll go fish in the Dominican with our friends while you sit on a lake in Kansas.

Scott: My house would have a 4 car garage and a tandem garage to the side.

Me: Whoa! You are just radiating testosterone right now, I think I’m growing a penis just sitting next to you.

Scott: I’d like to be a farmer.

Me: You mean to tell me if you were a billionaire, you would purchase land so you can farm it?

Scott: (laughing) You know, just have fun with a tractor on farm land.

Me: What? You would be a pretend farmer?

Scott: (laughing) This is a hard question!

Me: Well, I don’t know. You have quite the man-list here.

Scott: I told you! I would buy you a house in the Keys for you and all your girlfriends to hang out.

Me: Yeah, a house in the Keys would be cool but apparently I am already getting that from you. I would need a boat to fish from, nothing fancy. What is wrong with me? I don’t know how to spoil myself? I hate shopping. I do like to travel but buying a private jet is out because if a jet is going down, it’s always the small private jets. Nope.

Scott: You have serious problems.

Me: Wait, I got it! I would buy tickets to the Super Bowl every year. And every K-State game. College Football Championship tickets. Oh! And the World Series! There! There’s my answer – front row seats to every major sporting event. That’s how I would spoil myself. That’s a good answer, right? We would have fun!

Scott: You do know the Royals won’t play in every World Series.

Me: Yes, I know that, Scott. But I would still wear my Royals gear.

Scott: And my wife grew a penis.

Me: Take a selfie with a lion?

Scott: Oh, she’s back.

 

Your turn! How would you spoil yourself if you won billions of dollars? Be selfish. What are your hobbies? Would you still invest money if you didn’t have to worry about money anymore? If you had to fish with one of us – would you pick marlin fishing with me or bass fishing with Scott? 

lion

The more you know.

24 Sep

This isn’t a planned post.

I love it when life sends me a blog-worthy jewel to share.

You guys, I cannot even make this up.

Scott and I lead separate lives during the fall. He hunts. And I mindlessly escape from life on Pinterest: the humor section. It’s the land of my people.

A pin goes through my feed. Pinned by my friend, Carmen -

...

Hmm. I don’t get it. I should ask Carmen what this means. 

Comment by Amanda: Bahahaha. That’s hilarious.

Comment by Carmen: I know, right?! Can’t stop laughing.

Doesn’t matter, had sex. Doesn’t matter. Had sex. How is this funny? Well, now I have to ask. 

Comment by me: I don’t get it? Am I dumb?

Comment by Carmen: She bit his head off … that’s what a female praying mantis does after or during sex … typical male … “doesn’t matter. Had sex.”

Comment by me: Ohhhhh! Ok, I get it now. I didn’t know the females did that. Hahahaha.

 

———

12 hours later.

Text message from Scott:

I got bit by this.

I just got bit by this.

 

Welcome back to Bug Bytes, Scott.

 

nbc_the_more_you_know

Penises are ugly anyway.

8 Sep

Allison: Mel wants a classy bachelorette party. No veil. No penises. Just some drinks and shopping with girlfriends on the Plaza.

Me: Yeah, I figured that is what she would want.

Allison: This is why I’m counting on you to bring the party.

Me: I won’t let her down. Penises are ugly anyway. Do you have Flat Shelly? I got word that she’s at your house.

Allison: Flat Shelly is here and ready.

Me: This will be good.

* The real Shelly was attending a funeral in Nebraska. I don’t know how the real Shelly kept a straight face with the string of pictures sent to her phone.

________

Let's roll.

Let’s roll. TEAM BRIDE. Boom!

Cheers!

And we’re off! Cheers!

A little bourbon never hurt anyone.

A little bourbon never hurt anyone.

The cocktails have ran dry.

Happy hour is over.

Time to shop!

That’s ok! We have shopping to do!

Namaste.

Namaste.

Has anyone seen Shelly?

Ok. Who left Flat Shelly alone with a gourd on the table?

That bourbon is making us sleepy. Starbucks!

The bourbon made us sleepy. Starbucks!

She's an angel.

The bride has arrived to Victoria Secret. I repeat – the bride has arrived to Victoria Secret. Wait, is Shelly wearing wings?

And then all of the sudden, she was in the changing room with Mel and we got kicked out for taking pictures!

Melanie’s honeymoon lingerie is Flat Shelly approved.

Dinner time. Shot with the bride time.

Dinner time. Shots with the bride time.

Hey, our waiter looks like Enrique.

Hey, our waiter looks like Enrique.

No, not Pitbull. ENRIQUE.

No, not Pitbull. ENRIQUE.

Vodka

Vodka from Enrique!

Hurry up, Gina. We have to pee.

Hurry up, Gina. We have to pee.

Wait, who's carrying Shelly?

Wait, who is that? Oh, Shelly.

Oh look! Shelly made some new friends!

Oh look! Shelly made some new friends! Hey, someone needs to get Shelly’s hand out of that girl’s drink.

We love you too. We love everyone here.

We love you too, Shelly. We love you too.

Cut her off. Drink some water, girlfriend.

She’s cut off. Drink some water.

I mean, really?

I mean, really?

She's the life of the party.

Enrique’s back! Ah! And there she goes…making out with the bride. We’re not in college, Shelly.

She just puked in her soup bowl.

And she just puked in her soup bowl.

Why is she staring at me?

She’s got that dazed look in her eye.

The morning after…

Shelly?

And she still has a smile on her face.

Flat Shelly got even dirtier but a certain penis in my household told me I would get a few of us fired from our jobs if I posted them. 

What is the best bachelor/bachelorette party you have been to? What did you do at your bachelor/bachelorette party? Would you trust your friends to take a “Flat You” out on the town? 

 

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The cold never bothered me anyway.

18 Aug

Emma: Mommy, why are we dumping a bucket of water on your head after school?

Me: Well, people want to help fight a disease called ALS.

Emma: What is ALS?

Me: Here, let’s look it up. Ok. It’s a disease. It starts in the brain and it attacks the muscles. If someone gets ALS they won’t be able to move or swallow. They eventually cannot breathe. And there is no cure. People are video taping themselves getting a bucket of ice water dumped on their head to raise awareness. And they are donating money to help figure out how to stop the disease.

Emma: But why a bucket of ice water?

Me: I don’t know. It’s a challenge maybe? It’s a little crazy, huh?

Kate: Elsa would like it.

Me: Ha! She would.

 

 

A shout out to my two crazy, talented friends -

Click here to wish Carmen Carver warm thoughts – Carmen Carver Photography and Design.

Click here to watch Justin Liebergen on his YouTube show, Vash and Justin.

Click here to donate to the ALS Association.  – I also nominate everyone that hasn’t dumped a bucket of ice water over your head to donate. I don’t want our kids explaining to their kids what ALS is.

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