Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

20 Aug

Me: Kate, you need to wear socks if you’re going to wear tennis shoes today.

Kate: No, but thank you for asking.

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Kate: Have you ever eaten a cigar?

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Kate: Daddy shouldn’t shoot a deer. They are nice. And he is mean.

Emma: Uh, Kate that was rude. You know I hunt.

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Kate: When I grow up, I will never cut strawberries. I might cut my finger off.

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Emma: A lot of kids in my class are K-State fans, mom! And my teacher too!

Kate: Well, who’s NOT a K-State fan, Emma? You need to talk to those kids and make them like K-State.

____________

Kate: Can I get my ears pierced tomorrow?

Me: Who are you talking to?

Kate: Myself.

Me: Who told you that? Are you talking to your Aunt JJ on Facetime?

Kate: No. I’m not talking to JJ. I told myself – I’m getting my ears pierced tomorrow.

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Kate: Hey dad. Remember your blue truck?

Scott: Yeah.

Kate: Oh, I was just thinking about the color blue and I thought of your old truck.

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Kate: My favorite story daddy tells me is when he dresses in pink dresses.

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Kate: So, like, what day do tornados come?

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Kate: Guess what me, Emma and Elle did? We played in the TOILET WATER! (falls to floor, laughing)

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Scott: (putting Kate to bed) You know I’ll always protect you, right?

Kate: You protect me from the bad guys?

Scott: Yep.

Kate: Will you cut their neck off?

Scott: Uhhhhh

Kate: Like the top of a strawberry.

____________

Emma and I were reading a book on weird but true outrageous facts.

Emma: (reading out loud) A large python can swallow a goat whole. (pauses) What is a goat hole?

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Kate: Mom.

Me: Yep.

Kate: I have a question for you.

Me: Yes…

Kate: Has daddy seen you naked?

____________

The girls were taking a bath.

Kate: Emma has curly hair. Is my hair curly or straight?

Me: It’s straight.

Emma: It’s not curly or straight. It’s just crazy, Kate.

____________

We took the girls to a KC Royals game with some friends. We were watching the game.

Kate: When are the Royals going to throw to K-State?

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The crowd was chanting “Let’s-go-Roy-als” (Clap clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.)

Kate: (shouting) I-don’t-love-you! (Clap clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.)

____________

We left the Royals game. We told the girls and their friends to hold hands.

Tanner: Kate, can I hold your hand?

Kate: No. You’re a boy.

Me: Kate. Hold his hand. There are lots of people.

Tanner: I’ll just walk next to her.

Kate: Walk behind me.

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(In the car, on the way home from the Royals game)

Kate: Mommy!

Me: (silent)

Scott: Mommy is not listening to you. She’s on the Internet.

Kate: Rude.

Me: Uh, you are rude. You need to hold Tanner’s hand in crowds. It doesn’t matter if he’s a boy.

Kate: Uh, being on the Internet and not listening to daddy is ruder.

____________

Me: Emma, go feed the dogs.

Emma: Do I look like Scott to you?

____________

Kate: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot! I won.

Me: Dangit.

Kate: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Gimme a hug! Haaaaa!

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Our friend, Casey, was visiting. Kate pulls out a snap bracelet. She snaps it on his wrist.

Kate: You’re arrested for being cute.

____________

Me: Ah! This bug bite in my belly button is killing me.

Emma: I have one on my butt.

Kate: Inside or outside?

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Kate: What bit you?

Emma: It was probably a mosquito.

Kate: Or a cockroach.

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Kate: How do pigs make bacon?

____________

Emma: Mom, can I have a gatorade?

Me: Yeah, that’s fine.

Kate: Mom, can I have nothing?

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Kate: When it’s cold out, it’s really warm.

Me: Huh?

Emma: Mom, she’s pretending to be Elsa from Frozen. She changes into Elsa all the time.

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Kate: What’s your favorite color in the ocean?

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Me: Don’t do that.

Kate: Do what?

Me: You’re blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk.

Kate: But I’m talking to it.

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Kate walks in my bathroom. She pulls at the skin on her chest.

Kate: These are going to get bigger, right mom?

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My two-year-old niece, Gabby, was swimming in the pool and shooting her water gun. I walked by.

Gabby: I shoot your wiener off, Juwee.

____________

 

Special Edition: Oh kids.

 Kid: I can’t brush my teeth. There’s mold on my toothbrush.

Me: No, there’s not. Is there really?

Kids: (smiles with her head down) It’s white!

Me: It’s dried toothpaste!

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Me: (watching a baseball game) Hey kid, are you going to play baseball when you’re older?

Kid: No.

Me: What about soccer?

Kid: No.

Me: Football?

Kid: No. I don’t like sports.

Me: Oh. That’s cool. What do you think you’ll be when you’re older?

Kid: A hard workin’ man.

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Kid: I’m a princess but I know how to fight.

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Kid: Are you older than 63,543,876?

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Kid: What is tonsil hockey?

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A child’s 8th birthday.

Parent: What do you want to do for your birthday?

Kid: Go skydiving!

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A mom and dad were playing Halo and their boys were watching.

Kid 1: Kill mommy!

Kid 2: Not mommy, shoot daddy!

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A brother and sister were filling out school forms. They didn’t understand what “Sex: M   F” meant. The brother circled M and the sister circled F.

Brother: We figured it out, mom. M stands for Medium sexy and F stands for Full sexy.

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Is your kid hilarious?

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

10 Responses to “Oh Emma, Oh Kate.”

  1. snoozing on the sofa August 21, 2014 at 8:42 AM #

    Uh-oh. One hunter and one deer advocate. That’s trouble.

    Like

    • Julie August 21, 2014 at 9:39 AM #

      Maybe Kate will fish with her mom….

      Like

  2. sean August 21, 2014 at 10:46 AM #

    As a mid twenties guy who stumbled upon your blog a couple years back on yahoo sports from the emma got in trouble story, thank you for your posts that helps make me smile at an office job that sucks the soul out of me.

    I died laughing at the holding hands dialogue. “walk behind me” hahaah

    Like

    • Julie August 21, 2014 at 11:09 AM #

      You just made my day! Thank you so much for telling me this. You have no idea how many times I’ve stared at my blog posts and wonder “what the hell am I doing…”

      And Kate got in trouble later that night. She’s so rude!! Ha!

      Like

  3. kellisamson August 21, 2014 at 2:56 PM #

    did she get her ears pierced?! thank you again for making me laugh on a day when I needed it desperately. xo

    Like

    • Julie August 21, 2014 at 5:31 PM #

      Ha! No. We didn’t take her. I’m all for her ears pierced but I can’t stand to hear the scream that comes with it.
      Thank you for reading :)

      Like

  4. Anonymous August 22, 2014 at 12:21 AM #

    Thanks Julie~ laughed out loud at several! Love these.

    Like

  5. brickhousechick August 26, 2014 at 1:27 PM #

    Well? Has Daddy ever seen you naked?

    Like

    • Julie August 26, 2014 at 3:19 PM #

      Ha! I said: yes, Kate. He has seen me naked.
      She laughed.

      Like

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