Me: Kate, you need to wear socks if you’re going to wear tennis shoes today.
Kate: No, but thank you for asking.
Kate: Have you ever eaten a cigar?
Kate: Daddy shouldn’t shoot a deer. They are nice. And he is mean.
Emma: Uh, Kate that was rude. You know I hunt.
Kate: When I grow up, I will never cut strawberries. I might cut my finger off.
Emma: A lot of kids in my class are K-State fans, mom! And my teacher too!
Kate: Well, who’s NOT a K-State fan, Emma? You need to talk to those kids and make them like K-State.
Kate: Can I get my ears pierced tomorrow?
Me: Who are you talking to?
Me: Who told you that? Are you talking to your Aunt JJ on Facetime?
Kate: No. I’m not talking to JJ. I told myself – I’m getting my ears pierced tomorrow.
Kate: Hey dad. Remember your blue truck?
Kate: Oh, I was just thinking about the color blue and I thought of your old truck.
Kate: My favorite story daddy tells me is when he dresses in pink dresses.
Kate: So, like, what day do tornados come?
Kate: Guess what me, Emma and Elle did? We played in the TOILET WATER! (falls to floor, laughing)
Scott: (putting Kate to bed) You know I’ll always protect you, right?
Kate: You protect me from the bad guys?
Kate: Will you cut their neck off?
Kate: Like the top of a strawberry.
Emma and I were reading a book on weird but true outrageous facts.
Emma: (reading out loud) A large python can swallow a goat whole. (pauses) What is a goat hole?
Kate: I have a question for you.
Kate: Has daddy seen you naked?
The girls were taking a bath.
Kate: Emma has curly hair. Is my hair curly or straight?
Me: It’s straight.
Emma: It’s not curly or straight. It’s just crazy, Kate.
We took the girls to a KC Royals game with some friends. We were watching the game.
Kate: When are the Royals going to throw to K-State?
The crowd was chanting “Let’s-go-Roy-als” (Clap clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.)
Kate: (shouting) I-don’t-love-you! (Clap clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.)
We left the Royals game. We told the girls and their friends to hold hands.
Tanner: Kate, can I hold your hand?
Kate: No. You’re a boy.
Me: Kate. Hold his hand. There are lots of people.
Tanner: I’ll just walk next to her.
Kate: Walk behind me.
(In the car, on the way home from the Royals game)
Scott: Mommy is not listening to you. She’s on the Internet.
Me: Uh, you are rude. You need to hold Tanner’s hand in crowds. It doesn’t matter if he’s a boy.
Kate: Uh, being on the Internet and not listening to daddy is ruder.
Me: Emma, go feed the dogs.
Emma: Do I look like Scott to you?
Kate: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot! I won.
Kate: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Gimme a hug! Haaaaa!
Our friend, Casey, was visiting. Kate pulls out a snap bracelet. She snaps it on his wrist.
Kate: You’re arrested for being cute.
Me: Ah! This bug bite in my belly button is killing me.
Emma: I have one on my butt.
Kate: Inside or outside?
Kate: What bit you?
Emma: It was probably a mosquito.
Kate: Or a cockroach.
Kate: How do pigs make bacon?
Emma: Mom, can I have a gatorade?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.
Kate: Mom, can I have nothing?
Kate: When it’s cold out, it’s really warm.
Emma: Mom, she’s pretending to be Elsa from Frozen. She changes into Elsa all the time.
Kate: What’s your favorite color in the ocean?
Me: Don’t do that.
Kate: Do what?
Me: You’re blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk.
Kate: But I’m talking to it.
Kate walks in my bathroom. She pulls at the skin on her chest.
Kate: These are going to get bigger, right mom?
My two-year-old niece, Gabby, was swimming in the pool and shooting her water gun. I walked by.
Gabby: I shoot your wiener off, Juwee.
Special Edition: Oh kids.
Kid: I can’t brush my teeth. There’s mold on my toothbrush.
Me: No, there’s not. Is there really?
Kids: (smiles with her head down) It’s white!
Me: It’s dried toothpaste!
Me: (watching a baseball game) Hey kid, are you going to play baseball when you’re older?
Me: What about soccer?
Kid: No. I don’t like sports.
Me: Oh. That’s cool. What do you think you’ll be when you’re older?
Kid: A hard workin’ man.
Kid: I’m a princess but I know how to fight.
Kid: Are you older than 63,543,876?
Kid: What is tonsil hockey?
A child’s 8th birthday.
Parent: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Kid: Go skydiving!
A mom and dad were playing Halo and their boys were watching.
Kid 1: Kill mommy!
Kid 2: Not mommy, shoot daddy!
A brother and sister were filling out school forms. They didn’t understand what “Sex: M F” meant. The brother circled M and the sister circled F.
Brother: We figured it out, mom. M stands for Medium sexy and F stands for Full sexy.
Is your kid hilarious?
If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.