What happened in Vegas.

16 Jul

No, you’re not getting all the details on here. I don’t kiss and tell. Well, ok … I tell you some things. I tried to get funny quotes from Casey to go back and read/blog about/laugh at. But it ended up that all 10 of us said something hilarious at some point. I have never spent a weekend laughing so hard in my life.

These were all things that were said; I am keeping the identity of the person who said it private. I mean, come on – our moms will read this.

Fair warning: You need to forget that we are actually very responsible parents/adults from Kansas. These were said under the influence of alcohol. Lots of it. We are a close group of friends so we really don’t have a filter.

Shit. I only fly once a year. I’m scared. I’ve been drinking for 3 hours at the airport.

I’m gunna have to get me some tight underwear. I just know I’ll be popping a boner at the pools.

Dang, you are red! — Yeah, I tan red.

I stuck my hand up there and it just kept going.

Oh no, I just yelled. I’m gunna start growling soon.

I need to woo somebody.

Oh, _____. You look hot tonight. Do you want me to help you tie up your husband in the room so you can take advantage of him?

I just slapped a Muslim on the butt. And she was like “ohhhh efffff noooooooo!!” She went off on me.

Dude. I woke up naked. How did I get naked?

In college, I was like woohoo sorority girls! Then I was like ugh, I hate sorority girls.

There are a bunch of Asians here. I think they’re taking over the world.

Did you say you’re light-headed, ______? Do you need a beer? — No, I said I need to edit that picture.

So they just give you free drinks when you’re gambling? They like get you all shit-faced and take all your money.

I’m getting wound up and effing horny right now.

This bass just moves me. I’ve been waiting for the beat to move my body.

My dick is in a ball right now.

Where’s the bathroom? — It’s right there. — I should just pee in the pool. I pee in the pool anyways.

I need a stool softener. I need to take a shit. Or maybe eat a bunch of jalapenos.

I pissed in the Bellagio fountains last night, that’s getting crazy for me. — No, that’s not crazy. That’s just a photo opp.

Yep, still only tools around here tho. Let’s go.

Yeah, uh, someone in our group puked on stairs of the theatre. Can you tell me if he was escorted out? We can’t find him.

Can we chandelier you?

I need some Cortaid. My asshole hurts.

I’ve got big balls and a small penis.

Uh, guys. I wouldn’t use any of the towels in the bathroom.

My balls are like red potatoes.

I bet no one else is carrying their underwear in their hand right now.

I woke up naked and alone.

Tell me where to find the stripper lotion. I would use it all the time and have a permanent chub.

Hey ______, will you fill me up? — If I only have a dollar for every time I heard that.

Guys, I’m gunna have to leave the underwear I shit in, in the hotel bathroom. I can’t have that stinking up my suitcase.

That ass in that dress makes me very happy.

I don’t think I’ve peed today.

This is great. Everyone in this club is our age or older and we’re all hammered.

Is anyone else’s tongue sore?

Are you drunk, _____ ? — That cocktail waitress was AMAZING.

I need to call my mom to make sure my kid is ok. — Really? I just text my mom with “I’m alive.”

Do you think I can get an STD in this hot tub? I didn’t even have sex! I got ripped off!

Where did you find that Michelob? — Didn’t we go in _____’s room? Oh shit. I’m drinking this left over from last night.

I don’t put water in my iron, I put vodka.

God. I’m not coming to Vegas again. I really think I got drugged.

I will tear up some Asian right now.

Is that broccoli? What happened to the bush?

This isn’t broccoli! It’s just the flowers they picked from the lobby!

I gotta fart but I don’t know if it’ll be a fart.

A lot can happen in 24 hours. I think I met a terrorist.

Cheers! Wait, I can’t reach in my tight shirt.

Is that a pill dissolving in my the bottom of my cup? Sure as hell looks like it.

I cannot believe I spent that much money on nothing.

Vegas is a place where everyone goes out looking at their complete best. Then 12 hours later, we’re all dragging around looking at our complete worst.

Wake up, _____. — What? I’m so confused right now.

I’ll tell you what. I’m ready to go home. I’m about to start crying. I just wanna cuddle up with my mom and cry.

So your kids still cuddle with you? That’s nice. Man, I need to knock someone up.

Last night at the KA show, my eyelids kept falling. Then the people in the show all started running around vertical on the stage and my eyes popped out of their scull. Then it got all graphic. That was too much for my mind and eyes to handle. I was like “oh shit.”

I got back to the room and saw the daylight outside and said “oh God, this is not good.” Then I laid there and talked to myself for an hour. So I didn’t go to bed until 7:30 in the morning.

I need to eat something real greasy so I can just shoot it out and not struggle on the toilet.

I don’t think I can handle being sober in Kansas.

I swear I will be dead in my room if I stay here one more night.

Look at all the orange stuff under my fingernails from last night!

You should have seen ______ last night! He was throwing down a green chip on a single number in roulette! Then he’d make $300 blackjack bets. Then he’d throw his own chips at strangers so they could bet more.

I’m not coming back to Vegas for at least 5 years.

The pinkie was the tongue.

I think I have to fart. — Don’t shit on my wife.

What do you mean it’s too big? It’s never been too big! Your box is too small!

I’m having a month-long detox as soon I get back to Kansas.

We were talking to these Egyptians and ______ asked if they liked anything with a wet hole. And the Egyptians were like, “wet? hole? What. is. a. wet? hole?”

Ok, I’ll be right down. I gotta make a phone call, get sexy and find the stash of cash I apparently hid from myself.

My parents are going to look at me tonight and say, “WHAT HAPPENED?”

It’s Friday the 13th, do you know where your wife is?

Ok. Next vacation, we’re going on a alcohol-free vacation. — Laughter

I feel like we were in Vegas for a month. I totally can see how all that stuff happened in one night on Hangover.

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One Response to “What happened in Vegas.”

  1. libatinglasvegas July 19, 2012 at 10:02 PM #

    Nice!! Vegas def has that affect on people…Maybe you’d like to follow my blog n keep up with the Vegas crazies?? I’m just gettin started but could use the support :)

    Like

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