ohemmaohkate

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

I was getting dressed when Kate walked in.

Kate: Boobies!

Me: Stop.

Kate: I want boobies.

Me: You’ll get some when you’re older.

Kate: Then can I wear a string up my butt like you do too?

_________

Me: Your face gets so red when you’re hot.

Kate: I’m just mad.

_________

Kate: Will you make me oatmeal?

Me: Yeah, ok. I’ll get up.

Kate: Finally! I’ve been waiting for, like, 1,000 miles!

_________

Kate: What if you had boobs on your eyes?

_________

Emma: How much is 12 pounds?

_________

Me: I gotta go pee. Be right back.

Kate: Well, don’t just sit there on Pinterest.

_________

I rented the movie, Big (with Tom Hanks) for the girls to watch.

Emma: Do you wish you were a kid again?

Me: Hmmmm. No. Well, maybe. I would like to re-do some things.

Emma: I don’t wish to be a grown up. I don’t have a wallet.

Me: Ha! You mean, like, money?

Emma: No, like a real wallet to put my money.

_________

I also rented the movie, Now and Then (with Christina Ricci) for the girls to watch. Mistake. Why isn’t that movie rated R?

Emma: Kate, truth or dare?

Kate: Truth.

Me: STOP. Where did you hear about this game?

Emma: I made it up.

Me: No, don’t lie. Where?

Emma: That movie you let us watch. Now and Then.

_________

Kate: (runs in the room with Q-tips in her ears) I’m an elf.

Me: Wait! Let me get a picture of you!

Kate: (runs off) Can’t hear you!

_________

Kate: Would you rather…eat REAL dirt and worms. Like REAL ONES. Or jump in a volcano?

_________

Kate: How do you spell “bow and arrows straight ahead.”

_________

I was shopping with the girls.

Kate: Do you have a ponytail holder?

Me: No. I have one in the car though.

Kate: I’ll just take that clip from your hair then.

_________

Me: GIRLS! Why is my bra in the middle of the living room?

Emma: Kate was wearing it under her shirt after school.

_________

Me: Happy Cinco de Mayo, girls! Let’s make margaritas and tacos for our Mexican heritage!

Emma: Ok! Can we have margaritas?

Me: Well, I bought a mix that you can drink. So yeah.

I dipped their glass rim in salt, added ice, margarita mix and a lime wedge. I made myself the same but I added a few shots of tequila.

Kate: This is yummy! Hey, what’s that?

Me: It’s the stuff you can’t have in a normal margarita. It’s called tequila.

Kate: Can I smell it?

Me: Ok. I’m sure you won’t like the smell though.

Emma: (smells, makes a face)

Kate: (smells) Mmmmm…smells so good.

_________

I took the girls to the pool. We were walking out the door. I had on a tank top over my bikini.

Kate: That’s a cute bikini.

Me: Thanks.

Kate: What’s those holes on the sides?

Me: Oh. It’s just decoration on the bottom sides.

Kate: Good thing that decoration isn’t over your vagina!

Me: (Glare at her)

Kate: (Eyes get big)

_________

Me: Kate! It’s your last day of being 5! You’ll be 6 tomorrow! Can you believe it?!

Kate: Can you believe you were REALLY, SUPER FAT 6 years ago? Your big belly probably went way out to here!

_________

Kate: Do I have school today?

Me: No.

Kate: YAY! Dark lipstick day!

_________

Kate climbed into bed with me. (Scott was out of town)

Kate: I had a dream I cut daddy’s ear off and I got scared. So I just laid there with my eyes shut, hoping it wasn’t real.

_________

Emma: Can I have a brownie?

Me: No. You’ve been fighting all morning with your sister.

Emma: (leaves then comes back with a picture) Do you like this picture I drew?

Me: AW! Yeah! Lightening bugs in a mason jar! That’s SO CUTE, Em!

Emma: You can have it for a brownie.

_________

Kate: AND I DON’T LIKE THE ROYALS!

Me: What? Why?

Kate: Because I’m mad at you.

_________

Emma: Can I have some more Pez for my dispenser?

Me: Yeah, I’ll have to look at the store. They might be hard to find.

Kate: Target. At check out. To the left. The left side, mom. Like this side.

_________

Kate: No, I don’t want sushi tonight for dinner.

Me: Why? I thought you love that place!

Kate: I do. But I eat too much of it because it’s so good then my tummy hurts. So I’m never eating there again.

_________

Kate: Why do dogs have black lips?

Emma: Because it would look weird if dogs had pink lips, Kate.

_________

Kate: Why are you wearing a Killin’ It shirt?

Emma: Yeah, mom! You don’t hunt with daddy and me!

Me: I’m wore it at the gym because I’m ‘killin it’ at the gym. You know, like, getting it done. Working out.

Kate: Oh. I thought you were going to say you killed someone at the gym.

_________

I was on my computer and Kate was in the room, looking out the window, talking to herself.

Kate: Ugh. Boys. Get off my street.

_________

Me: Did your teacher like your braided pigtails?

Kate: They’re called piglets.

_________

Me: Girls, I might interview Eric Hosmer for the magazine!

Kate: Who’s that?

Me: Royals player. Here’s his picture.

Kate: Why don’t you interview daddy?

Emma: Kate. Daddy needs to become WAY more famous for mommy to interview daddy.

_________

Me: KATE. You’re in so much trouble. Go to your room NOW!

Kate: Good thing I was walking there anyway.

_________

Me: Ok, Kate! You can come out of your room now!

Kate: NO! NEVER!

_________

Emma: Are Medusa and Bloody Mary sisters?

_________

Me: Girls, please be quiet. I’m trying to take a nap. I didn’t sleep well last night.

Kate: Mom, I have to talk out loud when I’m writing my book. Been working on it for years.

_________

Scott: You girls don’t know who Popeye is? He eats spinach and his muscles blow up big! (flexed his bicep)

Kate: You think spinach blows out his butt too?

_________

It was the Royals home opener day. The girls were in school when the game started. The school must have been talking about the game.

Me: Hi girls! Hurry up, get in the car.

Emma and Kate: ROYALS!! TURN ON THE GAME, MOM!! RADIO! ROYALS GAME!

_________

Kate: Knock it off, you little J SNAP. (snapped twice at me, in a J formation)

_________

Me: Ugh. That turkey fan stinks so bad. Brett (our friend) needs to get that thing out of our garage.

Kate: Yeah! I’m going to tell Brett to take it back to Florida when he leaves.

Emma: Uh, you know, mommy will deliver it and just stay in Florida.

_________

Scott: You girls are going to start doing chores to help your mom out. We will pay you if you do a few things around the house. Today, you can put away all your clothes.

(the girls put away their clothes)

Emma: I will keep a list of how much money you owe me.

Kate: (walked up to me with her hand out) CASH.

_________

Me: Go put away your clothes. I’ll have money for you.

Kate: I have too much money from putting away my clothes too many times.

_________

Kate: When will I get some boobs?

Me: I don’t know…like 12 or 13?

Kate: (held out fingers) 6…7…8…9…10…11….12. Yay!! Just 7 more years!

_________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: Can anyone break wire?

Mom: Well….

Kid: God can break through wire

Mom: Yep! God can do anything.

Kid: I know someone who is stronger than God.

Mom: Who:

Kid: God’s mom.

_________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

epidural

Men get epidurals too.

May 7, 2009.

I gave birth to a blonde-haired baby girl named Kate.

May 7, 2015.

Scott claimed he went to a place where only women have gone. It’s a place where the human body tortures and rips itself open in the highest severity of pain. It’s the 10 out of 10.

You guys, Scott experienced the pains of childbirth. 

scottfield

“My back hurts. It’s time.”

_______

Me: I NEED HELP! I NEED A STRETCHER FOR MY HUSBAND IN THE CAR.

Doctor: Ma’am. Is your husband injured?

Me: Yes. Yes, hurry. He can’t move.

Nurse: (pushing an empty wheelchair out the Emergency Department’s doors) Ma’am, how did you get him in the car if he can’t move?

Me: I had help. It took hours. And he won’t want that wheelchair. He needs to lay down.

Nurse: Ma’am this is all we have. He’ll have to use the wheelchair.

Scott: I can’t….I can’t…I need to lay down.

Nurse: Sir, what happened?

Scott: My back went out. I can’t move.

Nurse: We’ll make it work. I’ll call for back up. Ma’am, when we get him loaded, you can park your car over there.

_______

Nurse: Scott, what is your pain level right now?

Scott: It’s……hold…on. It’s high. 9. 10. 9-10. It’s when I move. The pain makes it…unbearable.

Nurse: Ok. what time did this happen?

Scott: About 9 am.

Nurse: You’ve been in this kind of pain for 7 hours?

Scott: Yes.

Nurse: (looks at me) You poor thing.

Scott: I thought…it…would get better.

Me: (mouth) Thank you.

Nurse: Ok, Scott. The doctor is coming in now.

Doctor: Hey, Scott. I see you were working at the farm when this happened?

Me: Ha!

Doctor: (looks at me) And your relation is….

Me: Oh. I’m his wife.

Doctor: And do you two live on a farm?

Me: (giggle) No. He was planting corn on the farm he leases. It’s to feed deer. He’s a pretend farmer. He hunts deer.

Doctor: Ok. So tell me, pretend farmer, what exactly happened when you got your injury?

Scott: I…bent. over. I bent over. To pick up something. It felt like….like, a lightening strike in my back. I fell. I can’t move when my…back spasms. When it stops spasming….I’m ok when I’m laying down.

Doctor: Ok, I’m going to touch in a couple spots. Can you feel me here?

Scott: Yes.

Doctor: This might hurt. Can you feel this?

Scott: OW OW! YES.

Doctor: What medicines have you taken so far?

Scott: (points at me) Well, she gave me some leftover oxicodone that expired in 2011. I took one about two hours ago. It didn’t help.

Me: (mouth drop)

Doctor: SHE did? Ok, I’m going to make you more comfortable with medicine and order a CT scan. We’ll see how you are after that.

_______

Me: SCOTT! I didn’t give you oxicodone! I gave you leftover acetaminophen with codine from 2011!

Scott: Did I say oxicodone?

Me: YES! Huge difference!

Scott: Oh, sorry.

Me: We should have called an ambulance. You’re lucky your concerned sister-in-law didn’t do it for you.

Scott: Jessica was going to call an ambulance?!

Me: Uh. Yeah.

Scott: I would have sent the bill to her.

Me: How’s your back now?

Scott: It’s like a 2. I’m ok once the spasming stops. When I’m flat on a bed.

Me: Christine says they’ll probably give you some really good drugs.

Scott: You already texted Christine?

Me: She’s a nurse, dude. Oh, she said if you’re in this much pain, she wants to see tears. Here. Will you pose with tears?

_______

Nurse: Ok. The doctor ordered 4 drugs for you. One is a muscle relaxer. And three are for pain. I’m going to give them to you by IV. Hold your arm out while I start the IV. These will cause you not to be able to operate a vehicle or sign any important documents.

Scott: Ok.

Nurse: Here we go. They might make you feel kinda funny at first. It’ll hit you then hopefully start working.

Scott: I’m really ok now that I’m on my back. I don’t feel any…. oh wow. You just rocked my world.

_______

Scott: You’re so beautiful.

Me: (giggle) HA! Nice drugs, there.

Scott: You are. You’re so pretty.

Me: Can I film you?

Scott: I really hope these food plots get us some monster deer.

Me: Tell me I’m pretty again.

Scott: I mean, all I did was bend over! It could have happened anywhere! I wasn’t lifting or anything. I’m so lucky this didn’t happen while driving my truck. I went paralyzed. I would have died.

Me: Well, you’re ok now. These drugs will help and the doctor will figure out what happened. Ugh, I hate this. I want to tell the doctors you have a high pain tolerance. And that your 6 is every man’s 9.

Scott: I’m telling you, when my back spasms like that…I’ve never felt any pain greater.

Me: I thought you said your surgery knee pain was a 10.

Scott: This is more than that. This is more than childbirth.

I dropped my phone in my lap.

Me: I’m sorry, what.

Scott: Childbirth. My whole body goes numb in pain. But this time, there’s no relief. It just keeps going until I lay down on my back. My body can’t relax. It’s, like, constant pain, unbearable. My whole body goes numb.

Me: ……..

Scott: Don’t look at me like that.

Me: Childbirth.

Scott: I’m telling you. It’s worse.

Me: How do you feel now?

Scott: I’m ok when I’m on my back. My body can relax.

Me: ………

Scott: I know I have a herniated disk. It’s nerve pain. Worst pain you can imagine.

Me: RING. OF. FIRE.

Scott: What?

Me: Nothing.

_______

Doctor: Well Scott, after looking at your CT scan, your spine is showing laxity. It’s basically loose ligaments. An MRI will tell us more. You can get a consult with an Ortho as an outpatient. We’ll send you home with some drugs. It looks like you are tolerating the pain better.

_______

Nurse: Ok, Scott. Can you move out of your bed and stand, slowly?

Scott tried to get up. He collapsed back into the bed. His back was spasming.

Scott: I…can’t. I can’t move….It’s spasming again. Feel how…tight my abs are.

Nurse: Ok, I can’t let you leave if you can’t move out of bed.

Scott: I. Can’t move.

Nurse: What’s the pain level?

Scott: 10….it’s 9-10. Worst pain. Unbearable.

Nurse: I’m going to give you one more dose of a pain meds. Let me get the doctor.

_______

Doctor: Hey, Scott. You’re staying with me tonight.

Me: WHAT?! He’s being admitted?

Doctor: Yep. We’ll get a room for him upstairs. I can’t let him go if he can’t walk out of the hospital.

Me: Oh no! Our daughter’s birthday is tomorrow!

Doctor: How old is she?

Me: She’ll be 6.

Doctor: Cool. Birthday cake at the hospital. We’re going to schedule an MRI for tonight. We’ll have results by morning.

Scott: Call my mom.

_______

Me: How did you sleep last night? Did they read the MRI yet? Kate had me bring you one of her stuffed animals with its back ripped open.

FullSizeRender

Scott: What?

Me: She’s so funny.

Scott: The MRI was ok. The nurse thinks I have a herinated disk.

Me: Really? Did they say if you need surg – OH MY GOD, SCOTT. WHAT ARE YOU ON?

FullSizeRender

Scott: It’s not even helping. I’m waiting on the doctor to make rounds.

Me: Hey. I was in pain, at a hospital, at this exact moment 6 years ago. My pain ended in an epidural.

Scott: Your pain ended with a beautiful baby girl. Your pain was natural. I just want to walk.

_______

Doctor: Scott, you are a candidate for an epidural.

Me: WHAT.

Doctor: You have a herniated disk. You will need to get a consult from Ortho. For now, our objective is to get you walking. Since you are not getting relief from these meds, I’m going to have the nurses wheel you down to the pain center. It’s inside the hospital.

Scott: An epidural? Like what SHE had?

Doctor: It’s not quite the same as a woman in labor. It’s a little different. You will be getting a steroid nerve block. But yes, same type of procedure in the back.

_______

Scott: I don’t know what all you women complain about with an epidural. That was nothing. I even got to watch a video of the needle going in. Kinda cool.

Me: No mother has complained about an epidural. The epidural is the relief. It’s the pain leading up to the epidural. And some moms don’t even get an epidural. You want to die but you want your child to live. But I wouldn’t have been able to tell you that 6 years ago because women can’t speak with that level of pain. I’m sure your pain is your 10. But it’s not that 10.

And you’re forgetting who I delivered. KATE.

Happy 6th birthday, Kate.

Happy birthday, Kate Audrey. You’re the best 6 year old to share cheesecake with in the hospital.

Scott’s epidural helped him through his level 10 pain. His pain has moved to about a 4 and tolerable. He will continue physical therapy until he is completely healed. He was released from the hospital with a greater appreciation for Mother’s Day.

I want to know – have any mothers experienced a pain greater than childbirth? Can anyone back Scott up? 

bloggesstwitter

The Bloggess follows me on Twitter.

Me: Oh my God. I think my heart just stopped.

Scott: What?

Me: The Bloggess just followed me on Twitter.

Scott: …….

Me: Come on.

Scott: Who?

Me: Oh. My. God. The blogger of all bloggers! The Bloggess! Jenny Lawson!

Scott: Oh. You’re social media’ing right now.

Me: Oh. You’re social media’ing right now. No, you DON’T UNDERSTAND. She’s famous, Scott. She’s written books. She’ll post something about…I don’t know…about brushing her daughter’s hair and she’ll make it funny just by the way she writes it because she’s a genius. The subject doesn’t even matter. My favorite thing about her – she’s humble. She blows off that she’s so famous. She doesn’t even believe it. She has, like, one real ad on her blog. If I were her, I would walk into a store and be like, “do you know who I am. THE BLOGGESS. BOOM.” And people would bow down. But not Jenny. She loves to dress up taxidermy, Scott. And she lives with anxiety. And she fights with her husband. But they funny-fight, like we do. And she’s self conscious. And she’s much better at writing about her life than talking in person. Probably. I’m guessing. She’s ME, Scott. But better. And you’re Victor. I don’t know who’s better.

Scott: Never heard of them.

Me: Can I just stop and take a moment here….  …AND NOW THE BLOGGESS FOLLOWS ME ON TWITTER. She clicked my profile and then she clicked “follow.” This is crazy. Amazing. Crap, do you think she thinks I’m weird for hating bacon?

Scott: Sure.

Me: Sure?! How do you just shrug your shoulders? I think she might top Eric Stonestreet following me. I need to tell someone. Someone that will scream with me.

IMG_4163

IMG_4165

Girlfriends 1. Husband 0.

Have you ever gotten giddy around a celebrity or someone you admire? Did you laugh at “knock knock, motherfucker?” You laughed if you know who The Bloggess is. Does anyone else understand my level of excitement right now?

The Bloggess.

Knock Knock, Motherfucker.

The Bloggess on Twitter.

google

Google search.

There is no privacy in blogging.

Wait, stop. I take that statement back – bloggers write and photograph what they want others to see. We can control privacy. We can even screen comments.

We just can’t control who reads it.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – bloggers can see what you put into google after you click the blogger’s link. Sometimes I can tell which blog post got the hit. Sometimes I can’t.

Google search: I’m calling you out, freaks of the internet.

___________

who is brett cannon dating – One of my most common search terms. Stick around and I’ll find out. He’ll be at my house later this week to turkey hunt with Scott.

I'll save ya a click.

Here, I’ll save you a google search.

iphone love text screen shots – I’m married. This is all I got. It’s hard making couples date nights.

IMG_3971


does tyler farr smoke cigarettes – Hm, I don’t remember him smoking when I went fishing with him. To be honest, I was more concerned about sliding down the boat while peeing in an empty bucket and landing in Tyler’s lap.

*And for the record, I am not this cool. This is called the Brett Cannon Effect. You get to fish with famous people.

Tyler me

No cigarette. No bucket of my pee in your lap. High five!

bug bytes ** www bug bytes blog ** bug-bytes.net ** ksu bug blog ** bug bytes blog ** bug – bytes ** bugbytes.net ** bugbytes blogspot ** bug blog k-state ** bug bytes blog julie burton ** bugbytes ** julie burton** – You know, you don’t have to google search this every time you want to read my blog. Just put your email in the subscription box. I won’t tell a scamming soul.

dirty phone call of nurse – So what color scrubs are you wearing?

nude girls at country stampede – I don’t think I’ve ever…wait. Got it. Yes. Yes, circa 2003. Scott’s “show your titays” sign at Country Stampede. Scott never saw any titays. Maybe because “show your titays” is degrading to women, SCOTT. scottcs scott penis covers – Wait, what? FullSizeRender my husband wears a jockstrap to bed – Really? Why? What kind of pounce moves are you guys doing?

jockstrap is a bra for your butt – Not really.

men in jockstraps – I’m regretting writing about a jockstrap.

negative Jayhawk – I don’t know you but I like the way you think.

bugs at st louis cardinals stadium – And cardinal poop in your hair. Probably. Just guessing. Can’t trust those bird mascots. Go Royals. Go Wildcats.

girl says kenny chesny isn’t circumcised – I’m starting to feel sorry for celebrities. People throw their private information all over the Internet. They can’t even go fishing in South Florida without some chick throwing a high-five picture all over social media. Or writing about how your eyes dropped to my boobs mid-conversation, Kenny. 

jack sparrow with cigar  – How the internet connected my blog and Jack Sparrow with a cigar, I have no clue. Thank you, google. Thank you.

comebacks for liars –  “you’re lying.”

turn me into a alcoholic  –  it’s an alcoholic. Not a alcoholic. You’re already in a downward spiral.

i am little psycho but i love u lots quotes  – OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS, TAYLOR SWIFT IS READING MY BLOG. HEY, TAYLOR! “Nice to. Meet you. Where you. Been…”

people of walmart showing nipple – Why?

no bra when taking the bus – They’re probably heading to make their debut on the People of Walmart.

julie is hysterical about a bug in her shorts – Thank you.

popsicle stick with tennis balls – You know, I don’t know what this means. Are you making a miniature weight rack? Are you making a stick figure with giant boobs? Are you making, well, you know. Balls and stick.

witty comebacks – You go first.

mother in law steals thunder on facebook – You shouldn’t care. Take a break from Facebook. Don’t let social media make you crazy.

how do you tell coworkers to not poop on the floor? I can also see which countries are reading my blog and I hope google translated this from russian. Please tell me your are from Russia. Ethiopia? France!

why am i pooping crab body parts – You ate a crab.

he asked me on a date when drunk – Don’t give him an answer until he asks again, sober.

women left a loud fart in shop – Why does this trace back to me.

what happens when you hit a deer in a smart car – Oh dear.

restaurants that give you wedgies for your birthday – That sounds like a good ‘ole fashioned 90th birthday.

penises are ugly – Yes. And do you know what else is ugly – red rockets. I told Scott we are getting a female puppy because ew, Scott. Push it back in.

never let your friends feel lonely, disturb them all the time – Ah, an extrovert. Introverts don’t care for that too much.

“i am the one that taught him” is it a correct engish – Yes, if you speak in a correct engish.

does anyone else brush their teeth in the shower – I do not. I feel like I would smell like mint all day.

** daddy lets his friends play with my boobs ** junior teen camel toe ** picture of little girl pees her pants in the store ** my daughters camel toe ** children’s underwear models ** daddy puts crayons in my vagina ** preschool girls swimsuit pictures – There is no privacy in blogging. I will call you out.

Are you a blogger? Do you read your google search terms? What is the funniest thing someone has searched for? Do you get search terms that make your skin crawl? Can we get together and beg google to find out who the perverts of the internet are? 

ohemmaohkate

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Kate: Are there people out there that like rats?

_______________

I picked up the girls from school. They hopped in the car.

Kate: Ah! Feels so good to take off my jacket and shake my boo-tay. (shakes her butt in the seat)

_______________

I brought the girls to the hospital to meet my new niece, June. We were walking through the hospital lobby.

Me: Are you excited to meet baby June?

Emma: YEAH!

Kate: And how many babies do you think daddy has?

Me: What? Two.

Kate: Are you sure?

_______________

I was putting on make up in front of the mirror. Kate slams open the door.

Me: AH! You scared me!

Kate: Thinking about me?

_______________

I was lost in a parking garage.

Me: Dangit. Where’s my freaking car?

Emma: Let me get out my Emma powers.

Kate: Let me use my whiskers.

_______________

Kate: I made a picture for you!

FullSizeRender

Me: I love it!

Kate: There’s Belle, Bailey in heaven. Daddy. You with boobies. Me with boobies. And Emma with boobies.

IMG_3529

_______________

Kate: So what time are you pulling me out of school?

Me: Huh?

Kate: You know.

Me: I’m not pulling you out of school today.

Kate: Dangit. That didn’t work.

_______________

I took the girls rock climbing. We wear a harness around our waist and legs. Kate and I landed on the ground at the same time.

Kate: You got the wedges too?

Me: What?

Kate: Butt wedges. Oh! Yeah, you do.

_______________

Me: Kate, do you want anything from Starbucks?

Kate: Frappaccino. And a cake pop.

Me: Uh, don’t think so.

Kate: Caramel frap and a pink one! Please!

_______________

Me: Emma, looks like your class is doing a little project for your teacher. I need to email this mom your answer –  what is your marriage advice? Go.

Emma: Well, I don’t really know because I’m not married. But I would say have fun and be happy.

_______________

Kate: UGH! I’m sad right now. Put on the “Happy” song.

_______________

I was driving in the car with the girls.

Kate: (makes gun noise)

Me: Did you just shoot something?

Kate: I saw a metal deer in that neighborhood.

_______________

Kate: How many more years until my birthday?

_______________

I have an app on my phone that plays nighttime noises to help kids sleep.

Kate: Can I listen to whales and the ocean tonight?

Me: What about crickets and frogs? That sounds like a summer night.

Kate: What the.

_______________

Scott’s parents were in town visiting. We went out to eat at a restaurant.

Nana (to girls): Wow! I haven’t been to this place since before your mommy and daddy got married!

Kate: HA! (points at me) You had a boyfriend! You had a boyfriend!

_______________

We woke up Easter Sunday. Kate walks in our room.

Kate: I know you’re the Easter bunny so don’t hide the eggs. Just give them to me.

Scott: You know Easter isn’t about the Easter bunny. It’s about Jesus coming back from heaven.

Kate: Oh, I would never do that. When I go to heaven, I’m just going to stay there and hang out with Bailey.

_______________

I was at Walmart with the girls. I pass some 20-something guy in the aisle.

Kate: (whistles the “Julio” whistle from Uptown Funk)

20-something: (turns his head and looks at me.)

Me: (Shake my head no.) KATE! Shhhh.

_______________

Me: Ok, Emma. Here’s a $20 bill for your book fair at school. You can spend $10. Give me $10 back so I can give it to Kate to use for her book fair day tomorrow.

Emma: Ok, got it.

I pick up Emma from school and she has a stack full of books in her arms. She can barely carry them all. She gets in the car.

Me: You got all those books? Where’s my change?

Emma: (hands me two quarters)

Me: 50 CENTS?!?! EMMA!

Emma: I’m really bad at math.

Kate: EMMA! That’s not fair!

_______________

Me: You stink.

Kate: Whatever, jalapeño.

_______________

Kate tickled me. So I tickled Kate back.

Kate: STOP! My tickle team powers are running low. I’m ticklish right now.

_______________

I was meeting Scott at Emma’s soccer practice. I had Kate with me in the car.

Me: Where did he go? I swear I just saw his truck pull in.

Kate: I saw his truck too.

Me: Where’s he at?

Kate: It’s the mystery of the day. Hmmmm.

_______________

I stopped then turned right at a red light when the traffic was clear.

Kate: Ha! Telling dad you went on a red light.

_______________

Kate: How do you spell ‘Do not enter unless you’re mad’?

_______________

Special Edition: Oh kids.

Coming home from Walmart in the car.

Son: Mommy?

Mom: Yes?

Son: Cowboys sure do like whiskey.

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

katequitsoccer

Kate quit soccer.

Can I ask you some advice?

Of course, I can. This is the internet. Everyone has an opinion behind the safety of a keyboard.

Do you force your child to take extracurriculars? 

Are you an enforcer parent or let-your-kid-quit parent?

Are you the parent that doesn’t let your child tell you no? She told me she didn’t want to but I’m going to make her go to summer camp anyway. It’s a part of being a kid.

Or are you the parent that allows your child to make their own decisions? Fine, call your dad and tell him you quit soccer. It’s ringing. — Hello? — I quitted.

Kate quit soccer.

Me: Kate, get off my leg and go run on the field with your new friends. They’re yelling your name. Go, girlfriend! Go play soccer!

Kate: No. I hate soccer.

Me: You didn’t even try it. Go kick a ball back with that little girl. Isn’t she in your class?

Kate: It’s too cold.

Me: It will warm up when you run around.

Kate: I’m not as good as Emma.

Me: But your team is with girls your age. You don’t have to play like Emma.

Kate: I don’t want you to watch me.

Me: Ok, I’ll turn around and watch Emma on the playground. Go play!

I turned around and felt Kate release my leg. I checked to see where Emma was at on the playground and then turned back around to sneak a glance at Kate.

She was gone.

I scanned heads again. Kate was not with her teammates on the field.

Then a pink coat caught my eye. She was a soccer field away.

Me: KATE!!

Kate turned around.

Kate: I QUITTED!

Kate sprinted towards my car.

Me: EMMA, LET’S GO! HURRY! KATE! STOP! WAIT FOR ME!

We made a solid choice when we enrolled Emma in soccer. We put her in. She didn’t complain. And the child blossomed. Athletically, maybe a little bit. But it’s her confidence that blossomed. She’s changed. She’s happy. It might have to do with switching schools and milking the “new kid” status. Or it might be the sense of unity that comes with a sport like soccer. Whatever we did, we scored a goal with Emma. The stands went wild. Parenting high fives all around.

We took Kate back to the second practice.

Well, here come the boos.

A soccer ball was thrown at my head. I cried on the sidelines. Kate kicked the car tires in a meltdown. Scott threatened to drop kick Kate back on the field. And Emma stormed off to the parking lot and screamed, “SOCCER PLAYERS DON’T QUIT, KATE!”

Kate quit soccer again.

The enforcer parents told me to keep trying soccer with Kate. Or try dance. Or gymnastics. Kate has said no to everything. I’m not an expert parent but my gut is telling me the school switch, the move and enrolling her in soccer was too much change.

Do I know what’s good for her? Maybe.

Is she a kid just being a kid? Well, she’s Kate being Kate.

Fighting with her sister after school is a childhood requirement. She’ll never quit that.

We told Kate she could quit soccer. To me, I feel like we just scored another goal.

Do your kids do extracurricular activities? Do you make your child stay in after-school activities if they don’t want to? Have you let your child quit anything? Do you think parents put too much time into extracurricular activities? Tell me. It’s just you and your keyboard.

 

lovetenlines

Love in Ten Lines.

I’m not the best at reading blogs. I don’t have the time.

The easiest way to get me to read your blog is commenting on my post. I’ll most likely comment back then click to see what you’re up to.

Last night I clicked – The Brickhouse Chick. I have never met her in real life. She rarely posts pictures of herself. But I would know her if I ran into her on the street. I picture her being loud, intertwining the languages of spanish and english. And a great laugh. I have no doubt Mrs. Brickhouse has a great laugh.

She posted a writing challenge: Love in Ten Lines. (click her link to see her version.) I volunteered to participate. A writing challenge that gave me a way to explain to Scott let’s just skip the lingerie and get naked.

After all, my time is valuable.

The rules:

•Write about love using only 10 lines.

•Use the word love in every line.

•Each line can only be four words long.

•Nominate others who are up for the challenge.

•Let them know about the challenge.

•Title the post: Love in Ten Lines

•Include a quote about love (this can be your own).

•You may write in any language.

************

Love in Ten Lines by Julie Burton

 Love is not ribbons

 and love isn’t lace.

 That love seems pretty.

 That love comes off.

 I don’t understand love;

 love that’s easily removed.

 Admit love is bare.

Unveiled. Bald. Love exposed.

 Love is not hidden.

 Love is stark, undressed.

Quote: “One love, one heart.” — Bob Marley. Because sunshine, saltwater, and rum cocktails.

Your turn! Who’s good at poetry? This came easier to me that I thought it would. Thank you, Maria, for the inspiration for some creative writing today. Go get naked, chica.

bugslife

A bug’s life.

I want you to meet someone.

This is June Elaine.

mejuneevs

They call her June Bug after, well, ahem – her aunt Julie Bug. Hey, maybe she’ll start Baby Bug Bytes one day. June shares her middle name, Elaine, with her aunt Jessica.

And there’s Evelyn. She’s a big sister at two years old.

While June stole the show on April 2nd, visitors still snuck a glance at Evelyn. She was easy to spot. Her blonde head of curls could be found hiding in the closet or inside the bathroom, pulling the emergency cord for a nurse.

Becoming a big sister brings its own attention. But Evelyn’s attention is a little different. Although unspoken, her milestones are magnified since her accident. Evelyn is watched with a silent awe.

Friends and family prayed for Evelyn to live a year and a half ago after she suffered a head injury causing bleeding on the brain. (You can read about it here.) You would never know she has a scar stretching across the top of her head. A conversation with her shows no signs of brain injury. In fact, she will remember you said you would paint her nails blue when you saw her next on Easter. And she will tell her mom on the ride home, “I tell Julie Bug thank you for blue nail polish.”

June Elaine will never know a life without Evelyn watching over her. She will always be the little sister, the second born. She’ll be the one stealing Evelyn’s clothes, shadowing Evelyn and her friends and she will have an edge in the curfew department with her parents. Oh, will she have an edge – 4 am curfew when I had to be home by 10 pm. Jesus.

June and Evelyn’s lives are forever connected.

And we get to watch them live it. Welcome to the world, sweet June Bug.

ohemmaohkate

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Kate: How do you spell I’m fed up with this place?

____________

Kate: I drew Bailey. (Our dog that passed away last fall)

Me: Aw, that’s cute. Draw her chasing a duck in the sky.

Kate: Ok, I need green and yellow. I got red too. Guess what the red is for?

Me: Duck feet? Duck tongue? I don’t know.

Kate: No. It’s the blood because Bailey killed the duck.

____________

Scott traveled to Las Vegas for work. He stayed at the Paris hotel and casino.

Kate: Emma, guess where daddy is right now?

Emma: Where?

Kate: The fake Paris.

____________

Me: Do you want some corn with your noodles?

Kate: No. I don’t like corn.

Me: What? You love corn!

Kate: Yeah, well I don’t like looking at it in my poop.

____________

Me: You smell like outside.

Kate: You smell like dog lick.

____________

Scott: Kate, do you want to go turkey hunting with Emma and me?

Kate: Let me check my schedule when I get home.

____________

Kate: Can someone be the age 45?

____________

Emma: Where is the hole that babies come out?

Me: Uhhhh…the vagina.

Emma and Kate: (laughs)

Me:  Sometimes, in an emergency, a doctor will cut the lower stomach open and pull the baby out. That’s called a C-section.

Kate: Do doctors pull the baby out of the vagina?

Emma: Kate. The baby pushes the vagina open with its hands, of course!

____________

Me: Girls, put your pajamas on.

Emma: Are you taking us to see Aunt Jenna’s baby?

Me: She’s not born yet.

Kate: Be patient, Emma! Jesus is still making her.

____________

Kate: How do you spell UpTown Funk?

Me: U-P-

Kate: (laughs) You just said YOU PEE!!

____________

Kate: Where are your earrings?

Me: I took them out. I’ll put another pair back in later.

Kate: You better hurry before your ears suck back in.

____________

Me: Kate, go to bed.

Kate: Lay with me.

Me: Ok, but just for a little bit. Ok. Close your eyes.

Kate: I don’t want to go to sleep yet. Can I scratch your back for you?

Me: ……… fine. Stay awake for a little bit.

____________

Me: Kate, did you have a good first day at your new school?

Kate: No. It was bad.

Me: What? Your teacher said it was good. You made a lot of friends. She emailed me.

Kate: She’s lying.

Me: You’re lying.

Kate: It was terrifying.

Me: Where did you hear the word terrifying?

Kate: Emma.

Me: When did she say that?

Kate: Last month.

____________

The girls visited San Francisco to see family with their Nana. Scott and I stayed at home.

Kate: Mommy, are you mad that we’re going to the Golden Gate Bridge?

Emma: Of course she’s not mad! She’s mad we might see Uncle Jesse!

____________

Kate: Can I touch your boobs?

Me: NO! Get out of here!

____________

We were looking at houses. We pass some apartments.

Kate: What about those?

Me: That’s an apartment. Those are for people that want to rent.

Kate: What’s rent?

Me: Instead of buying a house, they rent. It’s just cheaper.

Kate: Well, then why don’t they just go to the bank to get more money?

____________

Kate: You think babies know it’s a full moon? You can’t really ask them because they don’t talk, right?

____________

Me: Girlfriend, you just spilled spaghetti sauce all over your white shirt.

Kate: At least it wasn’t permanent marker.

____________

Kate: Turn on the fireplace. It’s cold in here.

Emma: It’s spring, Kate. No one uses a fireplace in the spring.

____________

I found a tick crawling in Scott’s truck.

Me: SICK. They’re back! A tick!

Kate: Why do ticks stick on you?

Me: They suck your blood for food.

Kate: Don’t they know they have their own blood?

____________

Kate brought me a drawing she made.

Kate: This is papa in a dress. And this is daddy in a dress.

____________

Me: Emma, do you like these pants?

Emma: Uhhh..not really.

Me: Yeah, they look like a trash bag. Lets give them to Goodwill.

Kate: I like them. They look like a rockstar.

Me: (stare at her)

Kate: A boy rockstar.

____________

Kate: Do you feel asi asi today?

Me: Asi asi?

Kate: You know. Not good, not bad. It’s spanish.

____________

Kate: Is it past 11:11?

____________

Kate: Look at that short line at Taco Bell. I can smell those tacos.

____________

Kate took a Coke from the pantry.

Scott: She has a Coke. Do you want her having Coke?

Me: I don’t think she knows how to open a can.

Kate: (stares at us from the corner and opens the Coke. Drinks it. Walks off.)

____________

I was eating fried jalapeños.

Kate: Oh, you eatin’ the butt burners?

Me: Stop talking to your dad.

____________

Me: Try this new recipe I made. It’s just like Pei Wei noodles.

Kate: No.

Me: I would try it if I were you.

Kate: And I wouldn’t if I were you.

____________

I was eating candy in the car.

Emma: Mom. I’ve been watching you. Do you know that’s your 6th handful of candy?

____________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: Mommy, I got boobies.

Mom: No honey, those are called nipples.

Kid (screaming): I HAVE BOOBIES! THOSE ARE NOT NIPPLES! (meltdown) I HAVE BOOBIES!!! BOOBIES!

____________

Kids were playing with glitter and glue.

Dad: You are getting that shit all over.

Kid: What shit?

____________

Kid: Whenever I yawn, eye juice come out of my eyes.

____________

A mom and her daughter were walking out of a pizza place.

Kid: Mommy?

Mom: Yes?

Kid: You forgot something!

Mom: Oh no! What did I forget?

Kid: To hold my hand.

____________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

soccer

The soccer mom.

Me: Hi, my name is Julie. I’m Emma’s mom.

Soccer mom: Oh! Emma? In the green?

Me: Yeah, that’s her running with the ball there.

Soccer mom: Oh, are you the new ones? Oh, ok. Yeah, I saw you guys at the last game this weekend! Nice to finally meet you!

Me: Well, I’m glad you didn’t say you remembered us from the first game. Emma was the one that cried because we lost! We’re high drama. And which one is yours?

Soccer mom: Right there. Goalie.

Me: Aw, cute. Yeah, we’re new. We’re in the process of moving over to this side of town. The kids started school here today. I wanted to help Emma make friends so we put her in soccer. I’m so glad I did that. She has a few girls in her class.

Soccer mom: Yeah, this team is great. We played soccer here last fall. Sweet girls. And who is this little one?

Kate: ……

Me: Her name is Kate. She’s in kindergarten. She will be playing soccer too. They haven’t started yet.

Soccer mom: My little boy is in 1st grade, running over there. He just started too.

Scott sat down next to us. We watched the girls practice soccer drills.

Kate: Can I sit on your lap?

Me: Yeah but be careful. I did a leg workout yesterday. I’m sore.

Kate jumped on my legs.

Me: Ahhhhh! MY LEGS!

Kate: Sorry! (laughs)

Me: Watch Emma.

Kate looked up at my face.

Kate: WHY YOU HAVE NOSE HAIR?

Me: Shhh!

Kate put her finger up my nose. I smacked it down and shot fire out of my eyes.

Kate: WHAT’S NOSE HAIR FOR?

Me: Don’t know. Shhhh.

Kate: CATCH BOOGERS?

Me: Probably. Everyone has nose hair.

Kate: YOU DON’T HAVE BOOGERS. DO I HAVE BOOGERS?

Me: No. Why do you talk so loud? Watch.

I smiled and rolled my eyes at soccer mom.

Kate: THEY HANGING OUT YOUR NOSE.

I rubbed my nose.

Me: Look up. Oh! Nose hairs too! Now stop it. You’re embarrassing me.

Kate: ARE MY NOSE HAIRS BIG AND BLACK? AND LONG? DO MY NOSE HAIRS HANG OUT MY NOSE?

Me: Get off my lap. NOW. Slow! Go slow. AHHHHH! DAMNIT! OW! MY LEGS!!!

I rubbed my nose again. The soccer mom slowly turned her back to us.

Me: SCOTT. TAKE HER.

Scott: What. What happened?

Me: KATE.

Scott: What’d she say?

Has your child embarrassed you in front of someone you just met? Does your child say things to embarrass you on purpose? Are you an introvert raising an extroverted child? I need nose clippers before game day. What is nose hair for anyway?