The Family Christmas.

15 Dec

Oh, to be the fly on the wall.

I knew at a young age it is mandatory to hug Grandma when I arrive at her house for the family Christmas. I learned to finish my plate before throwing it away and always offer to help clean up. I also learned never listen to what my dirty uncle has to say and cover my eyes when my aunt starts taking her top off.

The fly on the wall has been laughing at my dad’s side of the family for over 33 Christmases.

For those that are new to my blog, please know I don’t write profanity. It’s just not my style. I like to find other words to describe how I’m feeling.

Please close the tab now if you like to keep it that way.

Merry Christmas and peace be with you.

…………

Ah, you stayed. Welcome.

Let’s all admit the original Christmas Vacation is a hell of a lot better than the TBS edited version. Admit it.

I told you.

There are exceptions when it comes to profanity, God dammit. And holiday bullshit with the family is one of them.

Raise your glass, motherfuckers. I hope it’s filled with a hard liquor of your choice – to what the fly on the wall heard at Grandma’s House, Christmas 2014:

  • Did you bring beer? — Yeah, I brought whiskey. — It’s fuckin’ bullshit that Grandma made it BYOB this year.
  • Who’s drink are you making? — Grandma’s. Just a splash of vodka will be fine.
  • I don’t know what to tell you. My daughter is normal around every other family except this one.
  • You missed it! Someone said “don’t touch my dick!”
  • This baby likes beer. — No, she doesn’t. — Yeah, she does. I have pictures.
  • Did you remember to talk to Grandma when you got here? — Yes, mom. We had a big dialogue about the spirit of Christmas and what it means to each of us.
  • Shhhh, Grandma’s saying the blessing! Hey let’s make an over/under bet again. Grandma will start crying in 20 seconds. Who’s in?
  • Is someone filming this?
  • (unison) In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. — Is this a song?
  • Hey, get your ass away from Grandma, you suck up. You’re not in the family yet.
  • Well, at least she knows a good weiner when she sees one.
  • Sweet hubby of mine, will you get me an ice water? — You do know that people in hell want ice water. — What? — You guys, that’s how you handle a wife.
  • Did she burn the macaroni this year? — That’s bullshit. I didn’t burn the macaroni.
  • Look at all these babies in this room! This family has a lot of unprotected sex.
  • Look! That baby is trying to escape the family by climbing up the stairs.
  • I lift weights and the only thing that hurts is when I move my arm like this. — And your dick. — I have to raise it really hard and fast so my arm doesn’t get stuck and hurt. — And your dick. — My dick is fine, you dickhead.
  • Let me explain something here. This guy is not blood-related. There’s no blood here. Don’t listen to his ass.
  • Look! Grandma is smiling with her arms around the two lesbians. — Good for her. There ain’t any men her age around anymore.
  • Stop grabbing your brother’s dick!
  • Kids! You have a 30 second time frame to say thank you to Grandma. You open, you say thank you, you sit down. Do you want to be here until midnight? Jesus. We’re going to be here until fucking midnight. How many damn kids are there?
  • Aw, she got a blue KU dress from Grandma! — It’s Royals blue, you asshole!
  • Zach, go give Grandma a kiss. Ok, now give her some tongue.
  • Your aunt is taking her shirt off again. — Oh, God. — Ha! Now your uncle is getting a chubby.
  • Watch this. I’m going to throw this ball at your uncle’s head. You try! Aim for the bald spot.
  • Oh, I know why she likes your beard. It’s a womb broom, man. Ha! Look at your old man covering his ears and screaming.
  • Uggggghhh, hurry up! — What’s wrong? You just gotta drink more during these type of things. Haven’t you learned this by now?
  • Grandma, we all went in on a gift for you. We talked to your audiologist. This device sits around your neck when you’re watching TV and it will amplify the sound for your hearing aids. So when you’re watching your Wheel of Fortune or I love Lucy. — PORN! — Or any sports games, just use this and you’ll be able to hear it better. — YOU’LL BE ABLE TO HEAR YOUR PORN, GRANDMA!
  • Who just shit their pants? Wait until it’s quiet next time.
  • Grandma has to take a shit. MOVE! MOVE NOW! MAKE A PATH!
  • Well, someone needs to go help Grandma. She can’t wipe her ass on that toilet. There’s no handrail. She’s going to fall off. Someone needs to go in there.
  • I’m sorry, I’m just not that comfortable coming out of the closet with Grandma.
  • Oh, tell your kids to be careful when they wash their hands in the bathroom. The only water temperature is scalding hot.
  • I think that sweatshirt has a collar.
  • No! Wait, you can’t trade white elephant gifts! — Yes, we can! — Only one is dead. You can’t trade the other one right in front of us. — Ok, we’ll go trade in the driveway.
  • Who’s kid am I holding?
  • Her boobs are gunna be just like her mother’s, hanging to her knees.
  • I like small boobs but I’m more of an ass girl. — I thought you were a box girl?
  • Turn the TV off! — It’s so old, I don’t even know how.
  • Every time I come back here, I feel like I went back in time.
  • I need to flush my tampon but I’m worried about this old plumbing system.
  • He’s going to come stay with me for a few days. — Oh, watch out. This is the aunt that made me take a bath with her when I was a kid.

Do you have a Griswold Family too? How do you celebrate Christmas with your extended family? Can anyone top my crazy family? Should I video tape the family Christmas next year?

FamilyChristmas

The Norton Honor Hunt.

8 Dec

I am home from the Disabled Veterans Honor Hunt in Norton, Kansas.

20 disabled veterans were taken on a guided deer hunt in Norton, Kansas. The residents of Norton, population 3,000, raised enough money to cover the expenses needed for the hunters. Most of the veterans are not regular deer hunters due to their injuries or disabilities. Each veteran was provided with a personal guide to help stalk and go after deer. Volunteer meat processors were on stand-by to bag up the meat.

19 deer were shot.

Our friends rallied together to help the event. The Norton Honor Hunt was filmed by Killin’ It Outdoors. The veterans were interviewed and then followed around by camera crews. Andy Griggs flew in from Nashville to perform at the Honor Hunt Banquet. I came in town to interview the veterans because I knew every hero has a good story to tell.

They wouldn’t tell them to me.

Not those stories anyway.

I wanted to hear a war story. From any war, I didn’t care – from Vietnam to the current war on the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. I wanted to hear about someone sacrificing their legs in the name of the United States. I wanted to hear about a man becoming a paraplegic because he saved a civilian’s child from a burning building. I wanted a hero’s tale. I wanted a scene from Hollywood. Good always trumps evil.

I was blind.

They didn’t have stories of valor.

They had horror stories.

Horror stories they would not dare tell a mom with two kids in tow. They only knew sickening stories. The kind of sickening one feels for that split second when you slam on your car brakes because the car in front of you is at a dead stop on the highway. The slow motion gives you time to pray for your kids in the backseat to live. That kind of horror.

My friend, Will, fought in Iraq right after college. He was first in his convoy. His job was to lead the route for his fellow soldiers – his family, his kids, his loved ones – following behind.

His family didn’t live.

You could say Will was lucky. But to him, he would be reminded his friends were not. Will flew back home a year later. He arrived in Dallas and walked into an airport full of people he didn’t know. There were cheerleaders with signs and people applauding. Hugs and kisses and babies filled the terminal. He felt welcome but didn’t feel understood.

“You tell yourself you are fighting for America, fighting for freedom but it doesn’t feel that way. I feel appreciated at home but it’s not…it doesn’t really matter. It’s a horror story…watching your family disappear before your eyes. Julie, as your friend, that’s all I can tell you.”

Will isn’t the same person I knew in college. But I wouldn’t be able to tell you that from my point of view. He has always been Will. He was always the first one to buy me a whiskey in Aggieville when we attended K-State. That didn’t change.

Will bought me a whiskey as soon as I walked into the Honor Hunt Banquet.

The veteran with no legs offered a hand to help carry my kids’ drinks because he noticed my hands were full. He used his other hand to push his wheelchair.

The female veteran teared up when I told her we brought our dog’s ashes to be spread in the field she used to pheasant hunt in.

A Vietnam veteran wiped away tears before my 8-year-old daughter walked up to ask if she could shake his hand.

I am the one that showed up blind.

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But then there’s Kate.

1 Dec

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

The five stages of grief. The experts say they can come in any order. They can last years or a few moments. Our dog, Bailey, has been gone for a week now. It hasn’t been easy for our family to move on.

But then there’s Kate – high tailing it straight to acceptance because she’s a mini serial killer with no emotions.

I’m exaggerating about the serial killer part.

Probably.

She does care. I know this because she has no desire to hunt with Scott and Emma. She doesn’t like seeing animals die. But once you’re dead – well, Kate…she…

She asked me for a cat before we even left the vet hospital parking lot. Like two minutes after Bailey’s final heartbeat.

Me: Did you just ask for a cat?

Kate: Can I? I really want a kitty.

Me: (in tears) Aren’t you sad about Bailey?

Kate: Bailey is gone. Can we get a cat?

Denial. Kate was in denial. She wanted a cat. She couldn’t comprehend Bailey’s death. Her tears would come. The pain is immense and it’s just her way of dealing with it.

I’m not a psychologist. But that sounded good in my head.

Scott’s mom called as soon as we arrived home without Bailey.

Kate: Did you tell Nana Bailey is dead?

Scott: KATE.

Kate: What. Why is Emma crying?

Me: She is sad, Kate. Bailey won’t be coming home.

Kate: Don’t smile, Emma! Don’t you smile at me! Ha!

Scott and I will still catch ourselves using the plural form of dog. Did you let the dogs out? Did you feed the dogs? 

Kate: Uh, only one dog now. Stop saying dogs.

It is true – we only have one dog. And Belle wouldn’t eat for days. She also needed one of us to walk her to the grass because her partner in poop was gone. The vet told me Belle needed a lot of attention. Dogs grieve too. Kate overheard my phone conversation.

Kate: Oh Belle Belle! You’re so cute! Yes, you are! You’re so cute and so alive! You’re alive, Belle! Give me some kisses!

Leaving the house is different. Our routines are broken. I spoke to a black jacket on the floor before I took Kate to school. Come on, Bay!

Kate: Ha! It’s a jacket! Mommy, you called the jacket Bailey. That was crazy. She’s dead.

Dumping the vacuum cleaner out makes me tear up. Her fur is still there.

Me: Scott, guess which room had the most Bailey fur? Kate’s!

Kate: Dead hairs!

Scott: KATE. You need to be nice. Bailey was my friend. We will never see her again. Stop talking like this.

Kate: But she’s not here.

Scott: She was still my friend. I lost one of my best friends forever.

Kate: (gives Scott a hug. Looks at me from the corner of her eye. Snaps at me.) I’m going to my room now.

Me: Wait. Kate, are you sad Bailey isn’t here? It’s ok to feel sad.

Kate: (pauses) Yes.

Scott: Are you?

Kate: Ugh, just stop talking about it. (Runs to her room)

I had to buy Belle more food at PetSmart. I knew it would be difficult walking out with just one small bag of dog food. I brought Kate with me on purpose. She would be my rock.

Kate: Let’s go look at the fish!

Me: Ok.

Kate: I wish I was a fish.

Me: No, you don’t. You would di…uhhhh. Hey, let’s go look at the cats now.

Kate: Yay!

Me: Should we get a cat?

Kate: Yeah, let’s get one. I like the orange one.

Me: I do too. Oh no. A black friday special. Already declawed with shots and ready to go for $50 bucks! And he’s a year old and loves to cuddle! Damnit. Kate, I can’t. Daddy will be upset. We need to wait a little bit before we get another pet. Daddy misses Bailey too much right now. A cat won’t help him.

Kate: Why did Bailey die?

Me: She had a thing called a brain tumor. She wouldn’t have remembered us if we brought her home. She was a different Bailey when we brought her to the hospital. She was dying. The vet can make her go to sleep. She didn’t feel pain when she died.

Kate: Oh. Bailey probably remembers us now. Heaven is where you remember people.

Me: Yeah. She knows who you and Emma are. Ok, let’s get a toy for Belle and get her food and go. Maybe we’ll get a cat another day.

I walked out of PetSmart with Kate.

Ok, she gets it. Her way of dealing with grief is different than most of us. She has accepted. She has tougher skin, that’s all. I can’t wait to tell Scott she’s not a serial killer.

Kate: We will get to see Bailey when we’re dead too.

 

How do you deal with death? Have you ever had to tell a child about death? How did they handle it? Do you have a pet that is running around with Bailey? 

 

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Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder.

27 Nov

Julie Burton:

A repost from last year. Happy Thanksgiving to your family from ours. Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder.

Originally posted on Bug Bytes:

Jimi Hendrix. Caroline Kennedy. Bruce Lee.

……fine.

And Jaleel White – aka Steve Urkel. We’ll just ignore that one.

You know what they all have in common? November 27th. They all share a birthday with me.

I know we really can’t control our birthdays. But people – is it really necessary to have sex on Valentine’s Day? Is it really necessary?

I say no. There’s no need for that. It’s a Hallmark holiday. Wooing consists of a mass produced “I love you” card and a dozen overpriced flowers. Do not cave for this, ladies. Not in February. Have your way with men in, oh I don’t know – July. Show ‘em some real fireworks!

But if you are a romantic and get some booty smackin’ by Cupid then you better double up on birth control –

You risk conceiving a child with a Thanksgiving birthday.

My mom and dad…

View original 427 more words

Chasing birds.

24 Nov

Walking in the door is the hardest part.

She used to be there.

Bailey, our black lab, passed away this morning.

Her seizures started Saturday night and never ended. The vet said it was probably a brain tumor. She wouldn’t have gotten better.

We were able to say goodbye to her as a family. Emma wrote her a book and we each signed the back.

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Scott was by Bailey’s side when she passed away. The book stayed with Bailey.

Emma, age 2, and Bailey

Emma, age 2, and Bailey

Scott will pick up Bailey’s ashes along with Emma’s book later this week. He will release her in a field – that was Bailey’s happy place.

bailey3

We’ll look for you in the sky, Bailey. You can fly now. Go chase those birds. You’re still the best one.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

17 Nov

I was watching the Royals play in the World Series with Emma and Kate.

Kate: Do we have a point yet?

Me: No. But we have a runner on 3rd base. See that dot right there? We need him to run to home. Then we will get a point.

Emma: Not like home home, Kate – like go have dinner and go to bed but home plate.

__________

Kate: Who are we playing?

Me: Royals are playing the Giants. They’re from San Francisco.

Kate: Oh.

Me: Who do you think your cousin, Ben, wants to win?

Kate: Royals.

Me: You think? He lives in San Francisco.

Kate: Let’s take a vote. Who here wants the Royals to win?

(Emma and I raise our hands.)

Kate: Ben wants Royals to win.

__________

I was making dinner. Kate walked through the kitchen without stopping.

Kate: It didn’t get plugged. Flushed two times.

__________

Me: What will Aunt Jenna’s baby be?

Kate: A girl.

Me: How do you know that?

Kate: Because all we have is girls.

__________

Emma: Mom, how do you spell I cup?

Me: I-C-U-P.

Emma and Kate: (laughing) I see you pee!

Me: Funny.

Kate: How do you spell IP.

__________

Scott: Kate, stop the whining. Life is not that miserable.

Kate: Yes, it is.

Scott: You are just like your mother.

Me: That was rude, Scott.

Kate: Rude.

__________

Kate: Who does K-State play next week?

Scott: West Virginia.

Kate: Ha! Well, that’s a weird name! Sounds like vagina.

__________

I was driving Emma to school one morning.

Kate: I saw Miss Heather’s mommy at school yesterday!

Me: You did? What did she do in your class?

Kate: She read us books.

Me: Cute! Did she say “hi kate”?

Kate: Keep driving, mom.

__________

Me: Stop. The. Fighting. Stop it!

(girls continue to fight)

Me: Ok, calling your dad.

Kate: Oh yay! I love talking to daddy!

Emma: Kate. It’s not good when mommy says that.

Kate: Not good for you, Emma.

__________

Me: Hey Emma, let’s make this craft this weekend.

Emma: What is it?

Me: It’s snowflakes out of popsicle sticks. Aren’t these cute?

Emma: Is this on Pinterest?

Me: Yeah.

Emma: Do you ever add to Pinterest?

Me: What do you mean? Make pins?

Emma: No, do you make up a craft for others to try?

Me: Oh. Um, no.

Emma: You need to be a little more creative, mom. Do you want me to think of something? What about Elsa’s snow castle from popsicle sticks? We can add that one.

__________

Kate: You stinker!

Me: Did you just call me a stinker?

Kate: You call me that.

Me: No, I don’t use the word stinker. I think your dad calls you that.

Kate: Ok, you butthead.

__________

Kate: Oh. Em. Gee.

Me: Oh, em, gee. Really, Kate?

Kate: What the?

__________

Scott was out of town. I was talking to him on the phone before I put the girls to bed.

Me: Do you want to talk to Kate? She’s still awake.

Scott: Sure.

Me: Here, Kate. Tell daddy hi then it’s time to go to bed.

Kate: Ok. (holds phone to her ear) Girls rule and boys drool.

__________

I poured another cup of coffee when Kate walked downstairs after waking up. She had a t-shirt and underwear on. As she walked by me, I noticed her underwear wedged up her butt.

Me: Uh, fix your underwear.

Kate: I’m pretending I’m you today.

__________

I was in Emma’s room, picking up her dirty clothes all over the floor.

Me: Ok, little Scott. This needs to end. Dirty clothes go here, not the floor.

Emma: Geez, I’m sorry I’m not little Julie.

__________

Kate: What’s that sound?

Me: Tornado sirens. They’re testing. It’s not real.

Kate: How do you know they’re testing?

Me: Well, there’s not severe weather.

Kate: But do the people testing them know that?

__________

I woke up to a Raggedy Ann doll being pushed in my face. A scary-ass doll from the 80s that somehow made it to my kid’s stash of dolls.

Me: Kate. What. What are you doing? Go back to bed.

Kate: It was yours, mommy. When you were little. She wants to sleep with you.

__________

Me: Kate! What is this drawing?

Kate: Oh. Well. That's you. And me and Emma are playing on the ground. And then Emma pooped her pants and daddy smelled it.

Kate: Oh. Well. That’s you. And me and Emma are playing on the ground. And then Emma pooped her pants and daddy smelled it.

__________

Me: Tomorrow is Aunt Jenna’s birthday!

Kate: Are we invited?

__________

Kate has a medical issue that required a trip to the ENT. They did a hearing test on her. The first test involved a nurse telling Kate words in an ear piece and Kate would repeat them out loud. The second test involved beeps and clapping. The nurse told me she was below normal in the first test but the second test was perfect. The nurse said she might have been too shy to say words out loud. But her hearing is ok.

On the way home.

Me: Kate, did you like the hearing tests? That little room was fancy!

Kate: I didn’t say some words.

Me: What?

Kate: I didn’t say the words I don’t like. Like she said spongebob. I don’t like him so I didn’t say it.

__________

Kate: What are you doing?

Me: I’m putting away your clothes.

Kate: Are you party pooping?

__________

Kate: I know how mummies are made.

Me: How?

Kate: They are really humans.

Me: Yes…

Kate: And the mommies leave too much toilet paper on the their butt. Then they just keep wrapping themselves. It’s the mommies fault. That’s why they’re called mummies.

__________

 Special Edition: Oh Kids.

 

Kate had a friend over.

Kid: I wish I was your family’s dog.

__________

I made Kate and her friend lunch before school.

Kid: WOW! I wish my mom could cut the crusts off like that!

Me: Your mom doesn’t cut off crusts?

Kid: Never. Can you teach her that?

__________

Shopping at Walmart.

Mom: Momma needs some caffeine.

Kid: Why do you need caffeine?

Mom: Just to get through my day.

A few minutes later, they walk down the beer aisle.

Kid: Why do you need beer, mom? To help get through your day?

__________

Mom: Stop yelling at your sister and find your school folder!

Kid: I know how to multitask, mom.

__________

Kid: I like days off.

Mom: Me too.

Kid: You don’t get days off.

__________

Mom: Kid, do you remember what Friday is? It’s Halloween!

Kid: Yes! And a snowman will bring me Play Doh!

Mom: …..

__________

Kid: Mommy, I need Daddy’s wallet now.

Mom: Um, I don’t think so.

Kid: Yes, I neeeed it. Give it to me now.

Mom: Why exactly do you need it Daddy’s wallet?

Kid: …..

Kid: It’s complicated.

__________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

Did you put a bench in my trunk?

14 Nov

If you prank me, I’m going to get you back. My revenge will fail miserably and end up in a blog post.

There’s a kid around here wearing plaid and singing E-I-E-I-O on the old-new bench his parent brought home.

 

Me: Scott, did you put a bench in my trunk?

Scott: A bench? That sounds familiar. Maybe.

Me: Well, it would have been yesterday. It was within the last day.

Scott: What do you mean a bench?

Me: A bench. A child’s bench. Kinda rustic, Old MacDonald E-I-E-I-O looking.

Scott: What?

Me: Well, being the good samaritan I am, I took some of your old shirts to Goodwill tonight. When I opened my trunk, a bench was in there. Go look at it.

Scott: No. Where did this come from?

Me: I told you. I. Don’t. Know!

Scott: Text your mom.

Me: Why would my mom and dad put it in my trunk? They would put it in my house or garage if they thought I wanted it.

_____

Text message to mom: Did you or dad put a bench in my trunk?

Mom: Nope. So you leave your car unlocked?

Me: There is a random bench in the back of my car. I always keep my car in the garage.

Mom: When was your car unattended?

Me: Never. I know there was nothing in my trunk yesterday afternoon because I opened my trunk with my neighbor to see if these shutters would fit in my car. There was nothing in my trunk. Then tonight I open my trunk to fill it with Goodwill stuff and there’s a freakin’ bench in it.

Mom: Sounds like a Jayhawker.

_____

Me: Scott, it wasn’t my mom or dad. I think I believe her. I’m so confused and freaked out right now. Was our garage open last night?

Scott: No. Text your girlfriends.

Me: Why would any of my friends do that? It’s not even that funny. I can’t ask everyone if they put a bench in my trunk. It’s starting to sound dirty after repeating this in my head. “Did you put a bench in my trunk? And not that trunk.”

Scott: We’re going to find out who did this. Text them.

Me: Ugh.

_____

Text message to Heather: Did you put a bench in my trunk?

Heather: Um, no. I’m still working on finding you some chairs.

Me: Oh, ok. There’s a bench in my trunk.

Heather: Wtf?

_____

Me: Ok, it wasn’t Heather.

Scott: Didn’t you watch the game at Jeff and Theresa’s this weekend?

Me: Yeah.

Scott: Well, are you sure you didn’t get drunk and take a bench home?

Me: WHAT?! Uh, one – this appeared within the last 24 hours. Not from the weekend. I know my trunk was empty yesterday afternoon. I opened it with Christine to see if these shutters would fit inside. And, two – yes, I had a few cocktails since my soul was crushed by the K-State loss. But I know, I KNOW, that drunk me would never take a kid’s bench home.

Scott: Text Theresa.

Me: No! I’m not asking Theresa if I drunk stole a bench from their house. You text Jeff.

Scott: Text Christine.

_____

Text message to Christine: Did you put a bench in my trunk?

_____

Me: Christine’s not answering. I was with her all afternoon. She would have told me she put a bench in my trunk.

Scott: Ok. Someone had access to your car at some point in the last 24 hours. Think.

Me: Kid’s bench…it has to be trash? …….Oh. Oh no. Surely, she wouldn’t do this. Why would she do this?

_____

Text message to Carmen: Did you put a bench in my trunk?

Carmen: Well, I didn’t but…

Me: IT WAS YOU!

Carmen: It wasn’t me. It was Keith. And actually, we completely forgot about it until now. He wanted to see how long it would take for you to find it.

Me: WHAT?!

Me: Do you know how many people I asked if they put a bench in my trunk?

Carmen: We’re dying laughing…

Me: I asked my mom! She told me to stop leaving my car unlocked! Scott accused me of drunk stealing a bench from Jeff and Theresa’s! I texted Heather, asking if she put a bench in my trunk! I still haven’t heard from Christine. I asked her if she put a bench in my trunk too. Jesus.

Carmen: Dying. Keith can’t breathe. It’s trash. You can throw it away.

Me: When did he do this?

Carmen: He could have swore you saw him. You were in Christine’s house and he said you looked out the window and saw him.

Me: I remember looking out the window. But I was watching Doug take a wheelbarrow from your house. I am the most unobservant person ever. I never saw Keith near my car.

Carmen: It took him forever to load it. He thought he was caught.

Me: So I’ve been driving this thing around all day?

Carmen: LMAO

_____

Text message to mom: It was a Sooner, not a Jayhawk. Neighbor played a prank.

_____

Next morning.

Scott: What are you doing?

Me: Putting this bench front and center of our driveway. Keith and Carmen will have to drive by it before school in its full glory. Ha! Look at it! It’s hilarious!

Bench

Did you put a bench in my trunk?

_____

Scott: Have you heard from Carmen yet?

Me: No. Hmmm…actually….I think they carpool in the mornings. They probably didn’t see it. I’ll leave it for when school gets out. I know Carmen will drive by. Maybe I’ll print a life size picture of Keith. I’ll make him sit on the bench and wave. I’ll do that tomorrow. I don’t have time today.

I picked up my kids from school and pulled in an empty driveway.

GONE. The bench was gone.

_____

Text message to Carmen: Did you take the bench?

Carmen: What?

Me: I showcased the bench on my driveway for you and Keith. It’s GONE. Someone took it.

Carmen: WHAT???

Me: You said it was trash. Someone else thought so too. They took it. I can’t stop laughing at this picture.

Carmen: NO!

Me: I know! My next step was to print a real life-size picture of Keith. And make him wave to all the cars that pass by.

Carmen: No! I want the bench back!

Me: Me too!

_____

To the plaid-wearing kid – have fun with the bench your mom has in her trunk.

It would have gone to Goodwill anyway. I’m glad the bench is getting better use than a life-size man sitting and waving at cars.

 

Have you ever been pranked? Did you seek revenge? Have you ever taken “trash” from a house without asking? What is the best prank you’ve seen?

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