Here, scroll through my iPhone.

21 Apr

I’m working on a blog post and it’s taking more time than I thought.

Here’s my iPhone to keep you entertained. I’m sure there’s something that will make you laugh while you wait.

 

Kate swimsuit

Kate’s Hello Kitty swimsuit.

My neighbors love me.

My neighbors love me.

My darling daughter.

My darling daughter. By the way, don’t buy those cookies. Gross.

My other precious daughter.

My other darling daughter.

I like to ask people if they heard about Scott breaking his hip. Oh, here. I have his x-ray.

“Hey, did you hear that Scott broke his hip? I swear. Look, I have his x-ray on my phone.”

Scott loves me.

The dog loves me.

This is what happens when you read Bug Bytes while ordering a breast pump.

This is what happens when you read Bug Bytes while ordering a breast pump.

I speak Pinterest whenever possible.

I speak Pinterest whenever possible.

But they looked so cute chatting.

But they looked so cute chatting. Huh. Look at that, Kate went for the whiskey.

Scott loves me.

Scott loves me.

Shopped for my kids on Christmas eve.

Shopped for my kids on December 23rd.

It was my April Fools joke.

It was my April Fools joke on Facebook. It was really a test to see who actually knows me. Some of you failed.

Just some neighborhood shenanigans.

Just some neighborhood shenanigans. Don’t ask questions and move along.

Emma's deer.

Why doesn’t Scott ever listen to me?

Happiest place earth, kids!

Happiest place on earth, kids!

'MERICA. Tell em' Kate.

‘MERICA. Tell em’ Kate.

 

The jockstrap.

16 Apr

Scott doesn’t read my blog. I know, it’s a little surprising. He will read a post if I ask him to read it. He will also read a post if it gets a lot of attention from his friends on Facebook. His response to not reading my blog is, “I live the blog.”

Scott won’t read this post.

You guys, he wears lingerie clips when he plays hockey.

Not Scott but it could be.

This is not Scott but it could be.

 

I was laying in bed with Scott last night. We were watching baseball. My eyes fell to the cute pitcher’s butt. I mean, it’s like right there.

Hm. I wonder if baseball players wear jockstraps? I can’t tell from the TV. I should ask Scott. Wait. Don’t ask Scott. He’ll think you’re dumb. They’d have to wear them. The flying ball might hit the hanging balls. Right?

Me: Do you have a jockstrap?

Scott: Yeah, it’s in my hockey bag.

Me: Can I see it?

Scott: What?

Me: I don’t think I’ve ever seen one.

Scott: It’s a piece of plastic.

Me: Go get it.

Scott: No! It smells like hockey gear.

Me: You don’t wash your jockstrap?

Scott: I don’t know. Yeah, I’m sure it’s been washed.

Me: Does it cover everything hanging? Like all cupped up in a ball of plastic?

Scott: (raises his eyebrows) Are you serious? I slip the plastic piece inside the strap and it covers everything.

Me: Doesn’t it, like, chafe? That can’t be comfortable.

Scott: No, it doesn’t really chafe. It’s not the most comfortable thing.

Me: If I were a guy, I would just go without it. That’s got to be annoying.

Scott: If you were a guy, you would be wearing one if you knew what a blow to the balls feels like.

Me: Are there sizes?

Scott: Yes.

Me: And….

Scott: …….

Me: May I ask what size you are?

Scott: I don’t know, it’s based on underwear size.

Me: So like a medium.

Scott: MEDIUM?!

Me: LARGE! Sorry, large. I forgot you’re a large. So you wear a large size jockstrap. Is that the biggest one?

Scott: I’m done talking to you.

Me: Wait, wait. I don’t know these things! I’m a girl. I’m fascinated. We don’t have sons. I’ll never know. How does it stay there? You’d have to have a thong for it to stay down over the balls.

Scott: No. I don’t have a string up my butt. I put my legs through the straps and it sits on my hips.

Me: I’m so confused. Go get it.

Scott: No. You can go in the garage and get my hockey bag off the wall if you want to see it.

Me: Don’t make me google image search this.

Scott: Ok. It has a waist band, the straps go here on my hips to hold it up. There’s a slip here to put the plastic cup in. My socks that hold my shin guards go up over my knee. I clip the straps to the socks.

Me: STOP. You clip straps to the socks?

Scott: Yes.

Me: You mean tell me you wear those bra strap looking things on your legs? Like when you see a woman in full lingerie. Those clips that hold the panty hose up. The clips that men drool over.

Scott: I’m sorry. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen lingerie so I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me: You know exactly what I’m talking about. I didn’t know they made lingerie clips for hockey players! HA!

Scott: What are you laughing at?

Me: All those hockey players wear lingerie straps! This just puts whole new perspective on the fighting. Don’t you feel sexy throwing punches? Hey, these are kinda hot.

Scott: What are you doing?

Me: Google image search.

Scott: Is this a porn site?

Me: No, it’s google image search: jockstrap. This is what shows up. Where’s the sexy clips?

Scott: You’re going to get viruses on your computer.

Me: It’s a google image search! Maybe I’m looking for a new jockstrap for my husband or son. Google doesn’t know why I’m googling jockstraps. Oh, wait. They have a separate section for hockey jockstraps. Ah, here we go. Oooo sexy clips for the hockey playa. You men. You want women to dress in these yet here you are wearing them with other men.

Scott: It’s a JOCKSTRAP. MEN WEAR JOCKSTRAPS. I’m going to bed.

Me: Wait, do baseball players wear them?

Scott: Good night.

 

Lego Land.

14 Apr

Emma has my squinty eyes. Kate has Scott’s blonde hair.

Boom. Easy. Our genes went this way here and that way there.

Emma and Kate’s temperaments – ah, now that’s tricky. All it took was a trip to Lego Land for Scott and me to see our personalities in a 7 year old and 4 year old’s body.

“That’s your kid. You discipline her.”

Kate is totally being talked about by the Lego Land employees. But I mean, all that matters is that the kids are happy, right?

 

Employee: I’m sorry, ma’am. But these coupons are for the Aquarium, not Lego Land.

Me: What? It says Lego Land right here?

Employee: You need the other half of the coupon. They misprinted them. See the small print on the back here? Lego Land got printed on the Aquarium coupons and vice versa. Do you have the other half of the coupon?

Me: It’s in the car.

Employee: ……

Me: ……

Scott: Damnit. I’ll get them. I’ll be right back.

I stepped out of line with the kids. Emma and Kate looked at the fish swimming along the walls. Kate climbed up on top of a fake rock to get a better look.

Employee: Oh! Miss! You can’t climb up on that rock!

Me: Kate. Get down fr… ah!

Kate turned around on the rock. She made a V with her fingers. She placed the V on her face so they are positioned under her eyes. She snapped her hand away and pointed directly at the employee. She stepped off the rock and looked at the fish from ground level.

Scott walked back in. We paid and walked into Lego Land. An employee asked us to stand in front of a green screen for a picture.

Me: Ugh, I’m in my workout clothes.

Scott: Just take the picture for the old man. We won’t buy it.

Kate: I’m not smiling!

Me: Shhh. Fine. Don’t smile.

Scott, Emma and I smiled. Kate glared.

We walked into an elevator that took us up to another level. The doors opened to a man welcoming us to Lego Land. He started explaining how Legos are made.

Me: (whispering) Scott. You won’t believe what Kate did. She…

Employee: Who is the oldest kid here? You! (pointed to Emma, because she is the tallest) Come here and pull this lever.

Emma followed his instructions. She went along with the skit and received a souvenir for helping. We continued on to the next room. We waited in line for a ride.

Me: So anyway, about Kate. She climbed up on a rock at the front while you were getting the coupons. The employee asked her to get down. She turns around, does her V point to her eyes then snaps her finger to point at the employee.

Scott: SHE WHAT?!

Employee: How many is in your party?

Me: 4.

Employee: Ok, next car. Two and two.

I grabbed Emma’s hand and Scott grabbed Kate’s hand. We rode a point-and-shoot ride. We each got a gun to shoot targets for points. Scott scored the highest. Kate got 2nd highest because she probably practices sniping in her sleep. The ride ended. Emma and I hopped out of the car. Scott followed us with Kate.

Scott: Bug. Do you see my contact anywhere?

Me: No. I don’t see it. Our car thing is right there. Do you want me to have the employee stop and look?

Scott: No, I have more at home. I’ll manage until we get home. Not a big deal.

We walked to the picture kiosk. Our picture was taken on the ride and displayed on the TV screen. All four of us have our guns up and aimed. Scott, Emma and I had intense faces. Kate is smiling.

Me: (whispering) That little brat. She’s smiling.

Scott: She is! I can’t see anything! I need a patch.

Employee: Would you like to buy it?

Me: Oh, no thank you.

We let the girls run loose in the rest of Lego Land.

Scott: What did you say to Kate after she did her V point to the employee?

Me: Uh, nothing.

Scott: NOTHING?! You need to discipline her! She should have apologized to the employee!

Me: But she got down. Apologize?! I pretended she wasn’t my kid! That employee made me mad. He knew we had the coupons. I know he can override that on his little computer. It’s not my fault they misprinted them. Who reads the fine print?

Scott: You and Kate are the EXACT SAME PERSON.

Kate: (standing in a cage above us) Hi mommy! Hi daddy!

Scott: (Puts one hand over an eye so he can see) Hi, Kate!

Me: Hi Kate! (make a V with my fingers and point at Kate) We are not the same person, Scott. Kate is some kind of hybrid of crazy. You know I’m not that crazy.

Scott: Oh, really?

Me: I smile for pictures, Scott. Kate is not me. Dude. It’s freezing in here. Hey, can you see my nipples through my shirt?

Scott: (Scott covers one eye with his hand) Ohhhh my goshhhh.

Me: I’ll just sit with my arms up. Ha! You’re the one that looks crazy with your hand over your eye.

Kate ran up to Scott and me. She stopped in front of us and crossed her arms. An employee walked up holding Emma’s hand.

Employee: We can’t have kids leaving the play area by themselves. The parent needs to be there to take them out. She took off. (points to Kate)

Scott: (closes one eye) Sorry about that. I’ll take them now.

The employee left.

Scott: KATE. You need to behave. Did you do your V point at an employee when we bought the tickets?

Kate scowled and scrunched her nose.

Me: Scott, don’t yell at her now. Hey, let’s go ride one more ride then we can go home. Ok, girls?

Emma: Ok! I want to ride with you, mommy!

Me: Ok. Kate, you ride with your dad.

 

Mini Me.

Mini Me.

Look who's not smiling now.

Smile for the camera, Scott! And you wonder where she gets it from, folks.

 

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

7 Apr

Kate: Daddy, what’s your favorite movie?

Scott: Top Gun.

Kate: Is that a hunting show?

_____________

Me: Mmmm. You smell like grapes.

Kate: I farted.

_____________

Kate: How do babies get in your tummy?

Me: Uhhhhh.

Emma: Kate. They just do. Now shhhh.

_____________

Emma: What happens if I swallow my loose tooth?

Scott: You’ll be ok. I’m sure there are kids out there that have swallowed their tooth on accident.

Emma: But the tooth fairy doesn’t dig through poop.

_____________

I peeked my head in the playroom to check on Kate. She was holding a hula hoop and pushing our dog through it.

Kate: Jump, Belle! Pretend it’s fire!

_____________

I drove up to the school to pick up Emma. Kate has a middle school friend she chats with in the school parking lot.

Me: Katie won’t be in her mom’s car today. She has track.

Kate: What is track?

Me: She runs after school.

Kate: Who is she running from?

_____________

Kate: Ew, I spilled on my shirt! Get it, mom! Just wipe it on your shirt!

_____________

I was driving in the car with Kate.

Kate: (whispers) Dang, I’m good.

Me: You’re good? Are you playing a game on my phone?

Kate: Yes and now you made me die.

_____________

I was at Starbucks with Kate. I went inside to order instead of the drive-thru.

Barista: That will be $5.34

Kate: (mumbles something)

Me: (Slide my credit card) Thank you! Ok, Kate. What did you say? I didn’t hear you.

Kate: (yelling) I SAID! MY BUTT ITCHES! YOU DIDN’T WIPE IT VERY GOOD!

Entire store: (stares)

_____________

I was driving in the car with Kate. I stopped changing radio stations when I heard a good song.

Kate: Uh, you think I like this song?

_____________

Kate: Why are daddies always warm?

_____________

My niece, Gabby, was at our house.

Emma: Gabby, can I have a crayon?

Gabby: (hands her a red crayon) Rojo.

Emma: Yes, that’s rojo. But I already colored azul on my paper. Rojo and azul make KU colors, Gabby. Will you hand me another crayon?

_____________

Kate: Daddy, I can paint your nails if you want me to. I have all your favorite colors.

_____________

Me: Kate, I need to trim your nails.

Kate: No, I don’t like that. It feels weird when I scratch people.

_____________

Kate: No one wants to be alone. Right, mom?

Me: Where did you hear that?

Kate: Frozen.

_____________

Kate: Can I be Elsa for Halloween?

Me: I don’t care. Remember last year when you didn’t dress up for Halloween?

Kate: Mom! We went trick or treating when it was light out! I didn’t know it was Halloween! You should have told me!

_____________

Scott’s family was in town. We went out to eat. We were playing the game “telephone” to keep the kids entertained – where you whisper a code word around the table and see if it’s the same word as it started.

Papa: (whispers) New England Clam Chowder.

Me: (whispers) New England Clam Chowder.

Scott: (whispers) New England Clam Chowder.

Kate: No.

_____________

Me: Ah! Kate: Do you like my boobies?

Me: Ah!
Kate: Take a picture of them.

_____________

We passed 4 deer while driving out of our neighborhood.

Kate: Awwww!

Emma: Pow! Pow! Pow!

_____________

Kate and I walked by a fountain.

Kate: Why is there money in there?

Me: People like to make a wish and they throw a coin in for it to come true.

Kate: Can I make a wish?

Me: Yep. Here you go. (Hand her a coin)

Kate: I wish for there to be no more Christmases.

Me: What did you say? Did you wish no more Christmases?

Kate: (giggling) Yes.

Me: That’s a horrible wish, Kate!

Kate: I already threw it.

_____________

Me: Kate made a wish at the fountain and she wished for no more Christmases.

Nana: Kate! Why would you wish that? What about all those presents you got?

Kate: My birthday is coming up.

_____________

Me: Scott, Kate made a wish at a fountain today and she wished for no more Christmases.

Scott: Are you serious? Kate! Why would you wish for that?

Kate: Because it’s cold and snow gets in my shoes.

_____________

** I debated whether to add this one. Sometimes I can’t tell if I go too far on my blog. Scott said I’m ok. You’re welcome.

Me: Kate, get undressed. I started your bath water.

Kate: (Pulls out a small wad of toilet paper from inside her pants and drops it on the floor.)

Me: What was that?

Kate: I put white things up my butt like you do.

Me: (stares) What.

Kate: You put those white things up your butt.

Me: Oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH. Kate. Ok, one – I don’t put the white things up my butt. It’s my vagina. And two – no. Kate. Little girls don’t do that. Don’t do that anymore, ok?

Kate: Ok. Sometimes when I put toilet paper up my butt it feels weird.

Me: Oh my gosh. Where is your father. (I texted Scott our conversation)

Scott’s text: I’m never coming down from this tree stand.

My fitness routine.

31 Mar

Fitness is a huge part of my life. I’m probably reading your comments from my phone at the gym.

It has been suggested that I start a fitness blog. Let’s start with this post first.

My fitness routine.

I will state the obvious – I am not a doctor. Or a nurse. I am not a dietician. Or a fitness trainer. I have no business writing about this because I am not an expert. I’m not that smart. Continue on, if you so choose…

I have a membership to a gym. I have tried working out at home with my own weights, running/walking, or DVDs. It doesn’t work for me. My house whispers the sweet words of DVR, merlot, freezing rain and sweatpants. It takes a very disciplined person to keep a long-term workout plan at home.

photo-26

Scott is my workout partner. Workout partners will make you show up when don’t feel like going to the gym. I will be honest – working out with your spouse is hard to do. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten so pissed off at him for telling me breathe – I am breathing Scott. Do I look dead to you? - then storm out just to stand by the locked car because damnit, Scott has the keys. I hope you love your spouse very much if you choose him/her as a workout partner.

photo-26 copy

I lift weights. Running, walking, cycling, swimming, yoga, and oh my gosh – zumba. Oh zumba. My hips do lie, Shakira. No. I don’t do any of that. My love is weight training. I am going to assume people want to know how to lose weight. Try lifting. Build muscle. I burn calories at an accelerated rate while I’m at rest - up to 38 hours after lifting. It’s true. Google it. The only way you can be lazy and burn calories is by building muscle mass. Cardio and interval training do not even compare. Sure, you will burn calories as you run past my house in the mornings. But I am burning more as I pull the blankets off Scott in bed. I did spend a summer running plus weight training to prepare for my first 5K. I had a hard time keeping my weight up. Clothes were falling off me. If you want to lose weight this would probably be the way to go. Do cardio and weight training.

photo-26 copy 3

 

I am at the gym a minimum of 5 times a week. This is key. I am 32 and have two kids. My body looks better now than it did before kids. For me, setting a goal does not work. Once I hit a goal I quit because yay! I did it! Don’t do that. Throw away the scale. Fitness is a lifestyle. Keep going. And don’t use the excuse “I don’t have time.” It’s like a puzzle. Find the time.

photo-26 copy 4

I am the worst eater. I am squirming in my chair because this is the uncomfortable part. I can hear Scott’s voice in my head – “go ahead and tell them about the crap you eat.” I eat pizza at least twice a week. I eat ice cream every night in bed. The Taco Bell guy knows my name. I eat bread, pasta, and my kids leftover chicken nuggets. I eat it all. I snack on protein shakes during the day (my new favorite is Nectar’s Wild Grape mixed with orange juice). The only thing I do not eat is red meat. I don’t like the taste. Oh, and we don’t drink a lot of pop. We prefer chocolate milk. I don’t know what else to say. I’m sure my height helps a lot.

photo-26 copy 2

 

I am happy with my body. I wish everyone would say that about themselves.

I believe the secret to staying fit is finding something you love. And do it for life. It’s a lifestyle, not a goal. If you like running then run, Forrest, RUN! If you like zumba classes then show Shakira up. Go find yourself with yoga. What’s that word again? Peace be with you. No. Amen. No. Heal the world make it a better place. No, wait that’s MJ. Namaste. That’s it.

Or try my love, weight training.

Then let’s arm wrestle. We can go to Taco Bell later.

 

What is your favorite fitness activity? Are you a crazy runner? Do you have any protein shake recipes I need to try? Would you like to see more fitness posts? Scott was totally embarrassed taking these pictures. I’ll make him do it again if you want.

21 things I irrationally love.

24 Mar

Nothin’.

I have nothing blog worthy this week. I’m so lame. I know.

I’m in no mood to write something original. I’ve committed creative suicide. If all the other bloggers are jumping off the bridge, you can bet I will too.

Aussa Lorens is one of my favorite bloggers. I’m totally stealing her blog topic – 21 Things I Irrationally Love. Damn, she’s funny. And hot. Go take a peek. Then read mine.

Ready, set, JUMP–

21 Things I Irrationally Love:

1. A good pen. Man, I hope they don’t stop teaching cursive in school.

2. Halloween.  The candy. The dressing up. The kids’ laughter. The fog. The scent of pumpkin. The dead roaming the streets.

MJ

Was that MJ?

3. Pain. Physical, weight-lifting pain. I wake up sore every day because well - no pain, no gunshow.

4. Picking fights with Scott. Hey watch this – “Scott! If I could play any professional sport it would be a hockey goalie. Like, how hard is it? The equipment the goalie wears covers up the majority of the net. Easiest job in all of sports.” I can feel Scott’s blood pressure rising.

5. Watching an old movie then looking up how the actors died. Audrey Hepburn – appendix cancer. What?

6. Walking on gravel. Aussa could not have described it better – she feels like she’s going to accomplish something. Give me a gravel sidewalk to walk on and I’ll take over the world. I get it, Aussa. I get it.

7. Watching my half and half rise in my coffee. It’s like magic.

Turn me on.

Turn me ON.

8. Photobombing. It’s rude. I should quit.

9. Laughing at my phone in public like some kind of crazed psycho. Stare at me. I don’t care. I have witty friends.

photo

10. Driving to the airport. I just get excited. Even if I’m picking someone up. Where are you going? The airport. Ah.

11. Repeating a video of my niece crying for Juweeee. Only Gabby can break my heart yet make me fall more in love with her.

12. Putting on makeup before the gym. What? I admit it.

13. Driving alone at night. I sing. Loud. I do this at night so people can’t see me singing.

14. Catching old people smiling at my kids in public. Not the creepy kind of smile but the kind of smile that is all in the eyes. I see them remembering the joy. It’s a nice reminder as I get marshmallows thrown at my head at the grocery store.

15. Flossing. I like clean teeth. And I eat a lot of popcorn. Digging out chunks is my favorite.

16. Walking into a room with high heels and realizing I’m the tallest one in the room. It’s a strange love because I am not that confident.

17. Dancing around my house when I’m home alone. I really miss this.

18. Picking up dog poop. Let me clarify – my own dog poop in my own yard. Ew, I’m not a free service. I like the satisfaction of a good, clean yard.

19. Tornado sirens. I was born and raised in Kansas. I have never seen a tornado. I am the master at running and screaming down the stairs into the basement.

20. Waving at this guy.

photo-26

21. Vacuuming. Oh god. Sprinkle something crunchy all over the floor and let me vacuum it. Best noise ever.

 

Do you agree with any of these? Are we the same person? What is something you irrationally love? 

Scott and me.

17 Mar

It’s not our anniversary.

photo-28

Or your birthday.

eyebrows

I know you hate pictures being taken.

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Maybe it’s because I make you do this kind of crap.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Or you’re bothered that I don’t wear pants for pictures.

nopants

You’re getting better with the camera as the years pass.

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Even without me there.

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Out of all the formal pictures.

engagment

And not so formal.

wedding3 2

This is my favorite picture of us.

photo-26

We look good. Don’t you think?

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