Ask a cop.

21 Jul

Have you ever wanted to sit down with a cop and ask a ton of questions without fear of getting arrested? Or laughed at?

Oh.

Well, I do.

And I did. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on my couch – not my car or heavy machinery – and fired away.

Go check out my questions to Officer Don at Don of All Trades!

Click here

Click here

 

What questions do you have for a cop? Do you cry to get out of tickets? Do you have an old prom date sitting in prison and need help to find out what happened? Don would totally do that for you. 

 

The big one.

17 Jul

Scott: Do you know how lucky you are be married to me? I take you to places like the Dominican Republic for our 10 year anniversary.

Me: Uh, do you know how lucky you are to be married to me? You have a wife that loves to fish. It’s not even a trip to the Dominican Republic to me. It’s a trip to the Atlantic Ocean.

This is the big one. The big fishing trip. Every fishing trip this year was practice for the Dominican. My confidence is up.  It has to be – I will have professional anglers yelling at me to keep the line tight. I’m expecting it. And I’m going to yell right back at them: I LOVE YOU TOO!  The yelling will be forgiven when we’re smiling for the cameras holding up a 400 pound blue marlin.

I’m totally Instagram’ing that.

They're all going to yell at me.

They’re all going to yell at me.

But it’s another big one. Today is our wedding anniversary. 1 decade. 10 years. 3,652 days of marriage.

3,652 days of marriage doesn’t sound like an important milestone. 1,000 days sounds important. Or maybe 5,000 days. A decade is a milestone and there should be a speech with that. Words from the bride, aged 10 years -

Out of 3,652 days, most days were perfect. And some days sucked. I have never baked a turkey on Thanksgiving. And I sleep in as late as possible every day. I have been to known to ask Scott to do something repeatedly – you men refer to that as nagging. I suck as a wife sometimes.

I do know that day 3,649 sucked. Scott dragged me to a spinning class with him. I walked out of there convinced he was trying to give me a heart attack or fracture my butt bones.

Day 667 and day 1755 were life-changing days for both of us. But this post isn’t about becoming parents.

Like babies growing up, it’s impossible to see the change in a marriage day to day. But take a step back and look at us a decade ago and you’ll see it. We have wrinkles around the eyes when we laugh now. Scott doesn’t wear his wedding ring because he lost it. My hair color is dyed. We’re going downhill together, holding each other’s wrinkly, paper-thin skin hands.

But as a couple, we’re closer. Scott and I were complete opposites when we got married. Our wedding was proof that opposites attracted. Ten years ago, I didn’t know we would have to overcome that. Two opposites may attract but they won’t last in a home when one is squeaky clean and one drags bloody deer into the house. I am not as clean as I used be. I have accepted my forever young teenage son in the home.

We didn’t know babies would leave us emotionally drained at the end of the day. I remember Scott asking in our sleep deprived days for his wife to come back. The babies grew up and now he has two extra girls begging for a Disney World “adventure.”

We have mastered the art of fighting. I know exactly what to say to send his blood pressure out the roof. He knows nothing will bother me more than his silent treatments.

But…we always come back to each other, like magnets. Our wedding day did prove that opposites attract.

The beauty of ten years is we know each other more than anyone else. We know what we like on our fish sandwiches without asking each other. Scott knows 3,652 days ago, I would have never agreed to a 5 day fishing trip.

I guess, like fishing, you don’t realize what you have until you fight to get it. Then yell, “I LOVE YOU TOO!”

I love you, Scott. And my marlin will be bigger than your marlin.

wedding

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

14 Jul

Me: Kate, what do you want on your sandwich?

Kate: Uh, turkey. And some of that man stuff.

Emma: (laughing) She said man stuff!

Me: What does that mean?

Emma: She wants mayonnaise, mom!

_______________

I was working in the living room. Kate walks in with a half eaten freeze pop. She stops in front of me and keeps eating it.

Kate: Can I have one of these?

_______________

Kate: Mom! Daddy said YES. He will take us to the pool today.

Me: He did? I’m surprised.

Kate: He always says yes when he’s asleep. You need to ask when he’s asleep.

_______________

Emma: Mom, why do we need toll booths?

Me: It’s just another way of funding the highway. Sometimes you pay with taxes, sometimes you pay when you need to use them.

Kate: One time daddy lost his toll ticket and he just ran through the booth with us! It was SO FUN. We went FAST!

Me: No, he didn’t.

Emma: Uh, yeah he did. The last time he drove us to Wichita, he did that.

Me: WHAT?! (I call Scott and ask)

Scott: Uh, yeah. Well I couldn’t find my ticket and no one was working the toll booth. It was my lucky day!

_______________

Kate: I had a dream daddy was in the bathtub.

_______________

Kate: What does “for real” mean?

_______________

Kate: I have been alive for a lot of days.

_______________

Kate: Emma, you have a spider on your shoulder.

Emma: AH! Get it off!

Kate: Good thing it’s not a monkey.

_______________

Kate: Mommy! Mommy! Come outside!

Me: What? What happened?

Kate: Daddy is eating something gross!

Me: What’s he eating?

Kate: You have to cover your face when you go out there. Cover your mouth and nose.

Me: What’s he eating?

Kate: He’s eating a cigar! It’s so gross!

Emma: He’s smoking a cigar, mom.

Kate: He’s eating it!

_______________

Kate was coloring a picture.

Kate: X-O-X-O Kate.

Me: Where did you learn X-O-X-O?

Kate: No one. I made it up.

_______________

Kate was tickling me.

Kate: Does this tickle?

Me: I’m not very ticklish. No.

Kate: (wets her finger, sticks it in my ear)

Me: Ah! Where did you learn that?

Kate: No one.

_______________

Me: Kate, eat your chicken.

Kate: Uh, there’s an invisible wall in front of you and I can’t hear you.

_______________

Emma: How do you make a whirl pool?

Me: There are jets under the water and it shoots out fast.

Kate: Or Ursula.

_______________

Kate: What time is it?

Me: 10 o’clock.

Kate: So like 2?

_______________

Scott was walking around, holding Kate in the ocean.

Kate: I need to pee.

Scott: Just pee. It’s ok.

Kate: I’m peeing on your leg. You feel it. It’s shooting that way.

_______________

I took Emma to her doctor appointment. We were waiting in the room for the doctor.

Kate: Uh, what kind of doctors have TVs in the room?

_______________

Doctor: Hi Emma! What have you done this summer?

Emma: Just hanging out at friends’ houses every day.

Me: Uh, and she also just got back from the Florida Keys.

_______________

Me: Kate, are you ready to go to kindergarten?

Kate: No.

Me: Why? You’ll be at Emma’s school! That’ll be fun!

Kate: Ugh. MATH.

_______________

Kate was having trouble putting a toy back together.

Kate: I can’t get it! Jesus!

Me: Did you say Jesus? Don’t say Jesus like that.

Kate: Well, that’s what you say when you get mad. Jesus and damnit.

Me: (turn around and mouth) Damnit.

_______________

 

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: That’s a big slide to go down.

Me: I know. I’m going to ride it. Longest in the WORLD.

Kid: You going with your dad?

Me: What.

Kid: You should ride with your dad.

Me: Are you talking about Scott?

Kid: Yeah, Scott.

_______________

Kid: You want to see my precious?

Me: What.

Kid: My precious stick. It broke.

_______________

I was watching a few neighbor kids (male). They wanted to play with a deck of cards. The only deck I had was a deck of the Chiefs Cheerleaders.

Me: You see this card, here? That’s my sister.

Kid 1: Who is that?

Me: My sister.

Kid 1: Looks like Emma.

Me: Yeah, sorta. It’s her aunt.

Kid 2: She’s not wearing a lot of clothes.

Me: It’s their uniform. They just show their tummies. See? They’re all dressed the same way.

Kid 2: Can I go in Emma’s room?

Me: Yes, but she’s at camp. She won’t be up there.

Kid 2: That’s fine. I want to see if she has that uniform.

Me: Wait, what. It’s not Emma!

_______________

Kid: (holding a naked barbie doll) There’s a lot of naked women in this house.

_______________

Kid: Did your dogs come from Petco or your stomach?

_______________

Kid 1: Mom, did you hit a skunk?

Mom: No.

Kid 1: Well it really stinks in here!

Kid 2: Where are we?

Mom: Lawrence.

Kid 2: No wonder it stinks. This is where the yucky ducks live! They must be playing football.

_______________

Kid: Mom, I think my heart is beating! (pause) Yep! It IS! My heart is beating, mom!

Mom: Well, that’s always a good sign.

Kid: I think it’s because I ran up the stairs but also mom LOOK at my big arm muscles!

Mom: Kid, just go to sleep please.

Kid: I’m not going to sleep until you look at my big muscles.

_______________

Kid: But mom, I don’t want to eat the blood up by the crust.

Mom: That’s not blood, kid. Eat your pizza.

Kid: It’s the blood of pizza, mom!

_______________

I drove my 6 year old to Lawrence for lunch to change things up on our way back to Lincoln. We were driving down Massachusetts Street.

Kid: (very serious tone) Mom, are these people from another country?

_______________

Kid: Mom, what is my good finger? I know this one (holds up middle finger) is the bad finger.

_______________

Kid: Does a nutcracker crack nuts?

Mom: Yes.

Kid: Do I have nuts?

_______________

Kid: So mom. I tried swimming with my underwear on under my swimming trunks. Never, never do that. It doesn’t work. Your underwear still gets wet.

_______________

Kid: Mom, did you know that Uncle Todd and Aunt Hannah want to have another baby?

Mom: How do you know that?

Kid: She told me on the trampoline, remember? She said, “stop beating me on the ovaries! Todd and I are not done having babies!” What are ovaries, mom? How do they help make babies?

Mom: Who knows. Your Aunt Hannah is crazy. She always says weird stuff.

_______________

Is your kid hilarious?

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

Two days until certain death.

10 Jul

Saturday, July 12, 2014. 10 AM, CST.

May Scott and I rest in peace.

I can’t live in Kansas City and not ride the world’s tallest water slide. It’s true – world’s tallest. They have pushed back the opening date of the slide for safety adjustments. It’s open, running and ready to send us flying to our watery death. Or maybe smacked into a tree. I need to check out the terrain.

It’s called the Verruckt. I have no idea how to pronounce it but they say it means “insane” in German.

Oh shit.

Oh crap in my pants.

A 168 feet, 7 inch drop. And at what foot marker do bikini tops go flying off?

Insane? I’ve been called worse. What’s German for “you-crazy-ass-voodoo-practicing-witch-I-haven’t-shot-my-deer-yet.”

Scott doesn’t want to do this. He’s not insane. He offered to stay with the kids at the bottom like a responsible adult.  ‘Til death do us part, SCOTT. We’re going together covered in each other’s pee. A couple friends have offered to sit at the pool bar and “cheers” us down. I hope in their drunken stupor they can catch my bikini top. It’s like the bouquet at a wedding. Who’s going to die next?

We’re totally filming this with our Go Pro camera.

Meet us there. Who’s IN?

 

This is probably my last blog post. Our will is on the bedside table.

I love you all.

 

What is the craziest thing you have ever done? It’s not the craziest thing I’ve done but it’s up there – WAY up there. Would you ride the Verruckt? 

photo-29 blog

Ramrod Key.

8 Jul

Ok, I sorta feel bad.

1. My coffee machine isn’t working. My pre-vacation self didn’t bother to fix it before we left. Damn her.

2. I gloated on social media about being in the Keys. We all did. I blame the rum.

There is a family reunion held in the Florida Keys. It’s always over the 4th of July. This family reunion is a little different. The families that reunite do not share a last name. Most of us don’t live in the same state. It started out as a group of South Florida friends traveling to the Keys with their children to celebrate the 4th of July.

This is the 20th year.

The group knows too much about each other to be considered friends – we’re family. We have seen each other in our best swimsuits. We have seen each other with our worst hangovers. We’re never pretty. We are sunburnt, covered in bug bites and tipsy by lunch. Hey, a nip slip can happen to anyone. Some of us smell like coconut sunscreen. Some smell like dead fish. We all smell like rum. The house tiki bar never closes. No one talks about their problems they left behind. But we do know who is on team vodka, team tequila and team whiskey. The kitchen is always stocked with homemade food. The backyard is the Atlantic ocean, ready for anyone to hop in.

Or flip in

Scott uses the quickest route possible.

The family reunion is held 90 miles from Cuba.

photo-29

Kate won’t smile for Cuba.

I lied. Key West is 90 miles from Cuba. Our home base is Ramrod Key, about 110 miles from Cuba. Ramrod Key is a sleepy, little fishing town. She wakes up when her once-a-year crew arrives.

'MERICA!

AMERICA!! How much do you love us, T. Jefferson??

Of course, you can get closer than 90 miles to Cuba. I caught this handsome beast looking Cuba in the face. That’s right, I said AMERICA!!

Bull dolphin.

My big catch! A bull dolphin – also called mahi mahi.

I'm so proud of this thing.

We eat well in the Keys.

Fish taco, anyone?

Each dolphin was reeled in by a WOMAN with the men cheering them on.

We’re luckier than most to have a family like this. If it wasn’t for the company, pictures of palm trees and water on social media would be pretty boring.

photo-33

2014: Ramrod Key crew boarded on the Loose Cannon.

I love these women.

Team Whiskey, Team Vodka, Team Tequila, and Team Whiskey. Until next year!

I trust you with my iPhone while I’m gone.

28 Jun

I will not be posting a Monday post next week.

I’ll be floating on a noodle off the Florida Keys with a cocktail in hand. Or I will be in a boat putting up the big fight against a trophy Mahi. The fishing reports are excellent.

I trust you guys to watch over my blog until I get back. Make yourself at home. Snoop around. Oh, here. These should keep you entertained – my iPhone pictures. Have fun!

 

I think Siri does autocorrects. She's a funny one.

I think Siri is behind the autocorrects. She’s a funny one.

 

Tina is on the short list.

Tina is on the short list.

 

The funniest thing about this picture is I was holding a treat because the dogs wouldn't smile for my picture. I put the treat away after I got my shot.

The funniest thing about this picture is I was holding a treat because the dogs wouldn’t smile for my picture. I put the treat away after I got my shot.

 

Oh, hey. How did that get there?

Oh, hey. How did that get there?

 

I don't live a glamorous life.

I don’t live a glamorous life.

 

This is a real thing.

This is a real camping thing.

 

How sweet. A Mother's Day card.

How sweet. A Mother’s Day card.

 

She knows her mother too well.

The fine print never lies.

 

That's funny. They printed it upside down!

That’s funny. They printed it upside down.

 

Ok! Ok! I'll stop the trash talk. Geez.

Ok! Ok! I’ll stop the trash talk. I start twitching when football season gets close.

 

Do I really have a wild look to me?

Do I really have a wild Indian look to me?

 

That adorable niece of mine.

That adorable niece of mine.

 

He's so cool.

He’s so cool.

 

Please invite me to your White Elephant Christmas party. Please.

Please invite me to your White Elephant Christmas party. Please.

 

Why take a car when you can take a lawn mower down city streets?

Why take a car when you can take a lawn mower down the ‘hood streets?

 

One of my biggest parenting decisions is to introduce Emma to her own iPod with text messaging.

One of my biggest parenting mistakes is giving Emma her own iPod with text messaging.

 

Sometimes Pinterest pins tell it the best.

Sometimes Pinterest tells it best.

 

Belle

Babies can sense danger.

 

Too old

I’m still too old for Bachelorette parties.

 

What would YOU do?

I mean, what would YOU do?

 

 

This is a fake post.

23 Jun

I had a real post ready today.

I spent the majority of my Sunday night writing and laughing in bed. Scott asked what I was writing about. I told him our upcoming vacation.

He said if I publicly post about our vacation, he would divorce me. Our house could get broken into if people knew we would be gone.

You guys, I’ve posted about upcoming vacations before – like every time we go.

You know nothing about this upcoming vacation. 

And I’m in no mood to hire a divorce attorney.

I’ll just write about my neighbors on vacation. 

The details

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. LOOK! SAME ART.

 

they pulled through

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. LOOK! THE SHITTER’S FULL.

 

See Scott – everything is fine. Their houses were not robbed. I had their door handles connected to a hot iron. Joe Pesci might show up when the automatic Christmas lights go on.

 

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