Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder.

27 Nov

Julie Burton:

A repost from last year. Happy Thanksgiving to your family from ours. Thanksgiving steals my birthday thunder.

Originally posted on Bug Bytes:

Jimi Hendrix. Caroline Kennedy. Bruce Lee.

……fine.

And Jaleel White – aka Steve Urkel. We’ll just ignore that one.

You know what they all have in common? November 27th. They all share a birthday with me.

I know we really can’t control our birthdays. But people – is it really necessary to have sex on Valentine’s Day? Is it really necessary?

I say no. There’s no need for that. It’s a Hallmark holiday. Wooing consists of a mass produced “I love you” card and a dozen overpriced flowers. Do not cave for this, ladies. Not in February. Have your way with men in, oh I don’t know – July. Show ‘em some real fireworks!

But if you are a romantic and get some booty smackin’ by Cupid then you better double up on birth control –

You risk conceiving a child with a Thanksgiving birthday.

My mom and dad…

View original 427 more words

Chasing birds.

24 Nov

Walking in the door is the hardest part.

She used to be there.

Bailey, our black lab, passed away this morning.

Her seizures started Saturday night and never ended. The vet said it was probably a brain tumor. She wouldn’t have gotten better.

We were able to say goodbye to her as a family. Emma wrote her a book and we each signed the back.

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Scott was by Bailey’s side when she passed away. The book stayed with Bailey.

Emma, age 2, and Bailey

Emma, age 2, and Bailey

Scott will pick up Bailey’s ashes along with Emma’s book later this week. He will release her in a field – that was Bailey’s happy place.

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We’ll look for you in the sky, Bailey. You can fly now. Go chase those birds. You’re still the best one.

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

17 Nov

I was watching the Royals play in the World Series with Emma and Kate.

Kate: Do we have a point yet?

Me: No. But we have a runner on 3rd base. See that dot right there? We need him to run to home. Then we will get a point.

Emma: Not like home home, Kate – like go have dinner and go to bed but home plate.

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Kate: Who are we playing?

Me: Royals are playing the Giants. They’re from San Francisco.

Kate: Oh.

Me: Who do you think your cousin, Ben, wants to win?

Kate: Royals.

Me: You think? He lives in San Francisco.

Kate: Let’s take a vote. Who here wants the Royals to win?

(Emma and I raise our hands.)

Kate: Ben wants Royals to win.

__________

I was making dinner. Kate walked through the kitchen without stopping.

Kate: It didn’t get plugged. Flushed two times.

__________

Me: What will Aunt Jenna’s baby be?

Kate: A girl.

Me: How do you know that?

Kate: Because all we have is girls.

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Emma: Mom, how do you spell I cup?

Me: I-C-U-P.

Emma and Kate: (laughing) I see you pee!

Me: Funny.

Kate: How do you spell IP.

__________

Scott: Kate, stop the whining. Life is not that miserable.

Kate: Yes, it is.

Scott: You are just like your mother.

Me: That was rude, Scott.

Kate: Rude.

__________

Kate: Who does K-State play next week?

Scott: West Virginia.

Kate: Ha! Well, that’s a weird name! Sounds like vagina.

__________

I was driving Emma to school one morning.

Kate: I saw Miss Heather’s mommy at school yesterday!

Me: You did? What did she do in your class?

Kate: She read us books.

Me: Cute! Did she say “hi kate”?

Kate: Keep driving, mom.

__________

Me: Stop. The. Fighting. Stop it!

(girls continue to fight)

Me: Ok, calling your dad.

Kate: Oh yay! I love talking to daddy!

Emma: Kate. It’s not good when mommy says that.

Kate: Not good for you, Emma.

__________

Me: Hey Emma, let’s make this craft this weekend.

Emma: What is it?

Me: It’s snowflakes out of popsicle sticks. Aren’t these cute?

Emma: Is this on Pinterest?

Me: Yeah.

Emma: Do you ever add to Pinterest?

Me: What do you mean? Make pins?

Emma: No, do you make up a craft for others to try?

Me: Oh. Um, no.

Emma: You need to be a little more creative, mom. Do you want me to think of something? What about Elsa’s snow castle from popsicle sticks? We can add that one.

__________

Kate: You stinker!

Me: Did you just call me a stinker?

Kate: You call me that.

Me: No, I don’t use the word stinker. I think your dad calls you that.

Kate: Ok, you butthead.

__________

Kate: Oh. Em. Gee.

Me: Oh, em, gee. Really, Kate?

Kate: What the?

__________

Scott was out of town. I was talking to him on the phone before I put the girls to bed.

Me: Do you want to talk to Kate? She’s still awake.

Scott: Sure.

Me: Here, Kate. Tell daddy hi then it’s time to go to bed.

Kate: Ok. (holds phone to her ear) Girls rule and boys drool.

__________

I poured another cup of coffee when Kate walked downstairs after waking up. She had a t-shirt and underwear on. As she walked by me, I noticed her underwear wedged up her butt.

Me: Uh, fix your underwear.

Kate: I’m pretending I’m you today.

__________

I was in Emma’s room, picking up her dirty clothes all over the floor.

Me: Ok, little Scott. This needs to end. Dirty clothes go here, not the floor.

Emma: Geez, I’m sorry I’m not little Julie.

__________

Kate: What’s that sound?

Me: Tornado sirens. They’re testing. It’s not real.

Kate: How do you know they’re testing?

Me: Well, there’s not severe weather.

Kate: But do the people testing them know that?

__________

I woke up to a Raggedy Ann doll being pushed in my face. A scary-ass doll from the 80s that somehow made it to my kid’s stash of dolls.

Me: Kate. What. What are you doing? Go back to bed.

Kate: It was yours, mommy. When you were little. She wants to sleep with you.

__________

Me: Kate! What is this drawing?

Kate: Oh. Well. That's you. And me and Emma are playing on the ground. And then Emma pooped her pants and daddy smelled it.

Kate: Oh. Well. That’s you. And me and Emma are playing on the ground. And then Emma pooped her pants and daddy smelled it.

__________

Me: Tomorrow is Aunt Jenna’s birthday!

Kate: Are we invited?

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Kate has a medical issue that required a trip to the ENT. They did a hearing test on her. The first test involved a nurse telling Kate words in an ear piece and Kate would repeat them out loud. The second test involved beeps and clapping. The nurse told me she was below normal in the first test but the second test was perfect. The nurse said she might have been too shy to say words out loud. But her hearing is ok.

On the way home.

Me: Kate, did you like the hearing tests? That little room was fancy!

Kate: I didn’t say some words.

Me: What?

Kate: I didn’t say the words I don’t like. Like she said spongebob. I don’t like him so I didn’t say it.

__________

Kate: What are you doing?

Me: I’m putting away your clothes.

Kate: Are you party pooping?

__________

Kate: I know how mummies are made.

Me: How?

Kate: They are really humans.

Me: Yes…

Kate: And the mommies leave too much toilet paper on the their butt. Then they just keep wrapping themselves. It’s the mommies fault. That’s why they’re called mummies.

__________

 Special Edition: Oh Kids.

 

Kate had a friend over.

Kid: I wish I was your family’s dog.

__________

I made Kate and her friend lunch before school.

Kid: WOW! I wish my mom could cut the crusts off like that!

Me: Your mom doesn’t cut off crusts?

Kid: Never. Can you teach her that?

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Shopping at Walmart.

Mom: Momma needs some caffeine.

Kid: Why do you need caffeine?

Mom: Just to get through my day.

A few minutes later, they walk down the beer aisle.

Kid: Why do you need beer, mom? To help get through your day?

__________

Mom: Stop yelling at your sister and find your school folder!

Kid: I know how to multitask, mom.

__________

Kid: I like days off.

Mom: Me too.

Kid: You don’t get days off.

__________

Mom: Kid, do you remember what Friday is? It’s Halloween!

Kid: Yes! And a snowman will bring me Play Doh!

Mom: …..

__________

Kid: Mommy, I need Daddy’s wallet now.

Mom: Um, I don’t think so.

Kid: Yes, I neeeed it. Give it to me now.

Mom: Why exactly do you need it Daddy’s wallet?

Kid: …..

Kid: It’s complicated.

__________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

Did you put a bench in my trunk?

14 Nov

If you prank me, I’m going to get you back. My revenge will fail miserably and end up in a blog post.

There’s a kid around here wearing plaid and singing E-I-E-I-O on the old-new bench his parent brought home.

 

Me: Scott, did you put a bench in my trunk?

Scott: A bench? That sounds familiar. Maybe.

Me: Well, it would have been yesterday. It was within the last day.

Scott: What do you mean a bench?

Me: A bench. A child’s bench. Kinda rustic, Old MacDonald E-I-E-I-O looking.

Scott: What?

Me: Well, being the good samaritan I am, I took some of your old shirts to Goodwill tonight. When I opened my trunk, a bench was in there. Go look at it.

Scott: No. Where did this come from?

Me: I told you. I. Don’t. Know!

Scott: Text your mom.

Me: Why would my mom and dad put it in my trunk? They would put it in my house or garage if they thought I wanted it.

_____

Text message to mom: Did you or dad put a bench in my trunk?

Mom: Nope. So you leave your car unlocked?

Me: There is a random bench in the back of my car. I always keep my car in the garage.

Mom: When was your car unattended?

Me: Never. I know there was nothing in my trunk yesterday afternoon because I opened my trunk with my neighbor to see if these shutters would fit in my car. There was nothing in my trunk. Then tonight I open my trunk to fill it with Goodwill stuff and there’s a freakin’ bench in it.

Mom: Sounds like a Jayhawker.

_____

Me: Scott, it wasn’t my mom or dad. I think I believe her. I’m so confused and freaked out right now. Was our garage open last night?

Scott: No. Text your girlfriends.

Me: Why would any of my friends do that? It’s not even that funny. I can’t ask everyone if they put a bench in my trunk. It’s starting to sound dirty after repeating this in my head. “Did you put a bench in my trunk? And not that trunk.”

Scott: We’re going to find out who did this. Text them.

Me: Ugh.

_____

Text message to Heather: Did you put a bench in my trunk?

Heather: Um, no. I’m still working on finding you some chairs.

Me: Oh, ok. There’s a bench in my trunk.

Heather: Wtf?

_____

Me: Ok, it wasn’t Heather.

Scott: Didn’t you watch the game at Jeff and Theresa’s this weekend?

Me: Yeah.

Scott: Well, are you sure you didn’t get drunk and take a bench home?

Me: WHAT?! Uh, one – this appeared within the last 24 hours. Not from the weekend. I know my trunk was empty yesterday afternoon. I opened it with Christine to see if these shutters would fit inside. And, two – yes, I had a few cocktails since my soul was crushed by the K-State loss. But I know, I KNOW, that drunk me would never take a kid’s bench home.

Scott: Text Theresa.

Me: No! I’m not asking Theresa if I drunk stole a bench from their house. You text Jeff.

Scott: Text Christine.

_____

Text message to Christine: Did you put a bench in my trunk?

_____

Me: Christine’s not answering. I was with her all afternoon. She would have told me she put a bench in my trunk.

Scott: Ok. Someone had access to your car at some point in the last 24 hours. Think.

Me: Kid’s bench…it has to be trash? …….Oh. Oh no. Surely, she wouldn’t do this. Why would she do this?

_____

Text message to Carmen: Did you put a bench in my trunk?

Carmen: Well, I didn’t but…

Me: IT WAS YOU!

Carmen: It wasn’t me. It was Keith. And actually, we completely forgot about it until now. He wanted to see how long it would take for you to find it.

Me: WHAT?!

Me: Do you know how many people I asked if they put a bench in my trunk?

Carmen: We’re dying laughing…

Me: I asked my mom! She told me to stop leaving my car unlocked! Scott accused me of drunk stealing a bench from Jeff and Theresa’s! I texted Heather, asking if she put a bench in my trunk! I still haven’t heard from Christine. I asked her if she put a bench in my trunk too. Jesus.

Carmen: Dying. Keith can’t breathe. It’s trash. You can throw it away.

Me: When did he do this?

Carmen: He could have swore you saw him. You were in Christine’s house and he said you looked out the window and saw him.

Me: I remember looking out the window. But I was watching Doug take a wheelbarrow from your house. I am the most unobservant person ever. I never saw Keith near my car.

Carmen: It took him forever to load it. He thought he was caught.

Me: So I’ve been driving this thing around all day?

Carmen: LMAO

_____

Text message to mom: It was a Sooner, not a Jayhawk. Neighbor played a prank.

_____

Next morning.

Scott: What are you doing?

Me: Putting this bench front and center of our driveway. Keith and Carmen will have to drive by it before school in its full glory. Ha! Look at it! It’s hilarious!

Bench

Did you put a bench in my trunk?

_____

Scott: Have you heard from Carmen yet?

Me: No. Hmmm…actually….I think they carpool in the mornings. They probably didn’t see it. I’ll leave it for when school gets out. I know Carmen will drive by. Maybe I’ll print a life size picture of Keith. I’ll make him sit on the bench and wave. I’ll do that tomorrow. I don’t have time today.

I picked up my kids from school and pulled in an empty driveway.

GONE. The bench was gone.

_____

Text message to Carmen: Did you take the bench?

Carmen: What?

Me: I showcased the bench on my driveway for you and Keith. It’s GONE. Someone took it.

Carmen: WHAT???

Me: You said it was trash. Someone else thought so too. They took it. I can’t stop laughing at this picture.

Carmen: NO!

Me: I know! My next step was to print a real life-size picture of Keith. And make him wave to all the cars that pass by.

Carmen: No! I want the bench back!

Me: Me too!

_____

To the plaid-wearing kid – have fun with the bench your mom has in her trunk.

It would have gone to Goodwill anyway. I’m glad the bench is getting better use than a life-size man sitting and waving at cars.

 

Have you ever been pranked? Did you seek revenge? Have you ever taken “trash” from a house without asking? What is the best prank you’ve seen?

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She’s still the best one.

10 Nov

Our labrador retriever, Bailey, had a seizure this weekend.

This isn’t a sad post. Bailey is alive and snoring at my feet. I have my sweatshirt over my nose and my eyes are watering because I can taste her farts in my mouth.

Bailey was born to retrieve birds. The name of her breed says so. Her pedigree is filled with generations of ribbons and trophies. Bailey’s mother and father produced a bird hunter’s dream dog. Bailey was born in Friendship, Wisconsin, ten and a half years ago. She’s 73 now.

She was picked by her master, a man she would know as Scott. “I want the one chasing all those kittens.”

And me, Scott’s wife of two weeks. “That one? Not only is she a bitch but she’s a real bitch!”

She later peed on me twice during the drive back to Kansas.

For the past ten years, the second weekend of November belong to Bailey and Scott. It’s pheasant season. Northwest Kansas is invaded with men in orange vests, guns and retrieving dogs. Most dogs don’t listen. Some are left at home because they are gun shy. Not Bailey. She will retrieve anything under her master’s command.

She has spent her life waiting.

She has been waiting for a bird to fall from the sky.

Then it happens. Her eyes set on the spot. She listens and waits for his voice.

“Bailey.”

She’s off. A thorn in her eye. A bloodied up paw. Bailey has endured the worst of the fields she has ran across over the years. She doesn’t feel pain. She picks up the bird with her mouth, careful not to puncture the bird with her teeth. She races back to the spot she left and she sits. And she waits. The bird is still in her mouth. Bailey waits for his hand to appear in front of her. And then she listens for his voice.

“Drop.”

“Good girl.”

My phone rang this weekend. I heard his voice.

“Bailey is retired. She had a 10 minute seizure in the field. She collapsed at my feet. She got the first bird and collapsed…..

….she’s still the best one.”

My eyes are still watering.

Bailey, at 73, with her final bird.

Bailey, at 73, posing with her master, Scott.

The weddings turned me into an alcoholic.

3 Nov

I’m kidding about the title.

My liver is in remission – there are no more weddings on the calendar. My muscles are still twitching from the soul of Michael Jackson racing through my body during The Way You Make Me Feel on the dance floor.

We had a rush of friends profess their love in front of us this year. Not only this year but within the span of two months. One wedding sent me walking home with a tramp stamp. Another wedding pushed me off to the airport with a hangover. And the last wedding left me with nothing else to write about but I can’t move out of bed and weddings are turning me into an alcoholic.

I have been told that my blog is enjoyable to read because I don’t sugarcoat my life. I will never post a picture of Scott with the caption, “best hubby ever.” Nope, I won’t do it. Because he’s not. And Scott will tell you that I’m not the “best wife ever.” I am not. We don’t like making people roll their eyes and fake puke.

Scott and I fight. We get sad. We get annoyed with each other. We disagree.

But we also make each other laugh. We are happy. We love each other. We are honest with each other. We are human.

As a wedding guest, I don’t get a microphone in one hand and a whiskey in the other but I do get a hangover and a laptop.

To the new wives – my wedding was in an era before Pinterest. I’m jealous of the little touches you put into your weddings. My marriage has come a long way. I have learned a thing or two you won’t find on Pinterest.

  • Sex is fun. You will forget this as years go on. I don’t know what’s to blame for that – kids, hormones, age, lack of energy, boredom, all of the above. Sex shouldn’t be something you do occasionally. Be the woman. Let your hair down. Let your hair down a lot. He will never get bored with you. Go do it when you’re done reading this.
  • Men need affection. Men want hugs. He wants to be held. When he walks in the door, run to him and wrap your arms around him. He is your best friend. Best friends give hugs all the time. You will get a hug in return.
  • Accept that you will argue. If you don’t argue, you’re a liar. Here’s a teaser: Ask him what your kids’ names should be.
  • Fine, storm out. Make a scene. He will come back even if you say NO to naming your kid’s middle name Duane.
  • You’re not always right. Don’t think just because you are a woman, you are right. Sometimes he is. And sometimes God blesses you with girls so you never have to name your son Duane.
  • Hand holding in the car is essential. 
  • So are dates. Splurge on the dessert.
  • Weddings count as dates. He’s reminded you’re his own bride. You’re still the prettiest one in the room.
  • Let him have a hobby. Let him go without restrictions. He will understand when you find your hobby – such as writing about his ass, hunting all the time.
  • Find a hobby together. If salt water fishing is your couples thing even though you live in Kansas, well, hey – at least you have something to look forward to.
  • Make fun of each other’s grey hair and wrinkles. You’re growing old together. Laugh about it.
  • Don’t complain about your body to him. If you don’t like it, then fix it. He loves it. It’s you that doesn’t.
  • Be attractive. But in a way that’s only for him. If he likes your hair long, wear it long. It works both ways, you can give him the evil eye when he tries to shave his beard.
  • Let him know at the beginning that you don’t like to cook. Or clean. The expectations are much easier to meet.
  • Remind yourself the best day of your life was marrying him. Some say giving birth is the best day of their lives. Maximum pain levels and a fire crotch might be yours too. But remember that the kids leave the house. He won’t. Your family started on the day you professed your love in front of your family and free loading, alcoholic friends.
  • Get up and dance together to The Way You Make Me Feel at your friends’ weddings. 

 

How many years have you been married? Did you get married before Pinterest was invented? Do you have advice for newlyweds? Do agree or disagree with my list? Have you ever busted a move to MJ on the dance floor? 

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You can be my wingman anytime.

1 Nov

Scott: How can I kiss you if you look like a man?

Me: I’m sorry I’m not as pretty as Tom Cruise, Scott.

You are welcome, Ladies

I, on the other hand, did NOT lose that lovin’ feeling with volleyball scene Ice Man. He’s mine, ladies. And gentlemen who like volleyball scene Ice Man.

We hit below freezing temperatures last night. I’m pleased with my decision to special order my jacket from some guy in England who makes replica Maverick jackets. It was expensive but warm. I am also pleased Scott doesn’t read my blog and will never know this information. Cheerio!

It was a bitter night in the ‘hood but the cul-de-sac home base upped the stakes this year.

The Halloween staples – candy for the kids and beer for the adults – were put in place.

We had whiskey for the crazies and for the one with exposed nipples.

The propane heater was roaring next to the fired up grill with hotdogs.

Beer too cold? Make yourself a coffee with Bailey’s!

The kids filed down in groups. The parents were right behind them. They danced to Thriller. Candy was thrown. It was a Halloween for the books.

It was the perfect Halloween until, “Hey! It’s Amelia Earhart! Great costume!”

And then I became a woman again.

The traditional morning after picture. Maverick only drinks from the best of the best coffee cup.

The traditional morning after picture. Maverick only drinks from the best of the best coffee cup. Oh look! So does Michael Jackson.

What did you do for Halloween? Did you dress up? Was it a cold night where you live too? Are you already thinking about what you are going to be next year? Only 365 left!

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