Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

29 Sep

Kate: What does the inside of your butt look like?

_____________

In the car.

Emma: Can I have your phone?

Me: No, I need it for directions.

Kate: But we’re bored.

Me: Look outside! Look at all the sunflowers over there.

Kate: Ugh. That’s boring.

_____________

Kate: I drew you, mommy!

Me: You did? Let me see.

Kate: You got those big boobies.

Kate: You got those big boobies.

_____________

I was picking up toilet paper scraps off the floor in the bathroom. Kate walks in.

Kate: HA! You’re touching my poop.

_____________

Kate: What is your favorite kind of baby?

Me: I don’t understand your question.

Kate: Like mine is myself.

_____________

Kate: Look at the bird outside!

Me: Hold on for a second. I’m finishing up some work. What color is it?

Kate: Uh, NOT a boy.

_____________

I was getting out my Halloween decorations.

Kate: Hey, can I go play with that dead man over there?

Me: (laughing) Yeah.

Kate: His bones feel like real dead bones.

_____________

Kate brings me a thermometer.

Kate: Check to see how I’m feeling today.

_____________

Me: Hey Kate, will you bring me my phone?

Kate: No. I’m playing with it.

Me: Real quick then I’ll give it back to you.

Kate: Ugh. Fine. Text Christine something then give me your phone back.

_____________

We took care of our neighbor’s dog for a weekend. His name is Jack. Jack and Kate walked into my closet as I was getting dressed.

Me: Hey Kate.

Kate: Uh, Jack is looking at you naked.

Me: Dogs don’t care about seeing anyone naked.

Kate: Maybe dogs laugh in their head.

_____________

Scott was leaving for work. I woke up to him giving me a kiss on the lips. Kate sits up in our bed. (I didn’t know she climbed in bed with me)

Kate: SICK.

_____________

Scott: Would you rather… smell the world’s stinkiest fart or go to school one hour earlier every day?

Emma: Depends whose fart.

_____________

I was reading Kate’s midterm.

Me: WHAT? Kate! You can’t count to 20?

Kate: …..

Me: Let’s count to 20. 1…2…3

Kate: 1. And I just want to count to 1.

_____________

Kate: What if someone peed their pants? That would be bad, right?

Me: Well, they would have to change their underwear.

Kate: Yeah. And their splatter.

Me: (look at her)

Kate: (eyes get big)

_____________

Me: KATE! Where are you?

Kate: I’m in the bathroom! I’m taking a long time because I have my iPod with me like you do!

_____________

Kate: Did K-State win last night?

Me: No.

Kate: UGHHHHHH.

_____________

I cleaned the girls bathroom.

Me: There. Done. Now keep it clean, ok?

Kate: You mean, instead of dirty?

_____________

I was helping Kate write out a sentence for homework.

Me: And then you add a period at the end. It’s a dot.

Kate: I know. It means stop talking.

_____________

Me: What specials did you have at school today?

Kate: Uh, the one where everyone starts talking in Spanish. I don’t like that one. I don’t understand what’s going on.

_____________

Scott: Tomorrow is Saturday! Time to relax, girls!

Kate: Uh, that’s boring.

_____________

Me: Go to bed, Kate. You look tired.

Kate: I’m not tired.

Me: Your eyes are all red!

Kate: I’m just mad at daddy.

_____________

Kate had a friend over. Kate was showing her friend pictures of herself when she was a baby.

Friend: You look like a boy!

Kate: Uh, I am NOT a boy.

_____________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

 

Kid: (yelling from a bathroom) MOM! Can you come here? And bring a plastic bag!

_____________

Mom: What did you learn at church tonight?

Kid: Nothing.

Mom: Nothing?!

Kid: Well it’s just the same stuff. Jesus and whatever.

_____________

Kid: Did it look gross in your tummy when I was growing in there?

_____________

Kid: Mom, is ass end a real thing?

Mom: Asset? Sure, that’s a real word.

Kid: No. ASS END. Is ASS end a real thing?

Mom: Well, where did you hear this word?

Kid: You know, the ring-a-round-a-rosy song.

Mom: OH! ASHES!

_____________

Mom: Watch the TV. The K-State game is starting.

The K-State preshow of a train going through Manhattan appears on the TV.

Mom: You’re going to go to school there one day!

Kid: Am I going to get there by a train?

_____________

Kid (playing on the floor with toys): Mom. Sometimes I think I’m a genius.

_____________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

The more you know.

24 Sep

This isn’t a planned post.

I love it when life sends me a blog-worthy jewel to share.

You guys, I cannot even make this up.

Scott and I lead separate lives during the fall. He hunts. And I mindlessly escape from life on Pinterest: the humor section. It’s the land of my people.

A pin goes through my feed. Pinned by my friend, Carmen -

...

Hmm. I don’t get it. I should ask Carmen what this means. 

Comment by Amanda: Bahahaha. That’s hilarious.

Comment by Carmen: I know, right?! Can’t stop laughing.

Doesn’t matter, had sex. Doesn’t matter. Had sex. How is this funny? Well, now I have to ask. 

Comment by me: I don’t get it? Am I dumb?

Comment by Carmen: She bit his head off … that’s what a female praying mantis does after or during sex … typical male … “doesn’t matter. Had sex.”

Comment by me: Ohhhhh! Ok, I get it now. I didn’t know the females did that. Hahahaha.

 

———

12 hours later.

Text message from Scott:

I got bit by this.

I just got bit by this.

 

Welcome back to Bug Bytes, Scott.

 

nbc_the_more_you_know

What the…

22 Sep

Kate: What the?

Me: Kate. Stop saying “what the.”

Kate: What the?

Me: Do you say that in school?

Kate: No.

Me: Then stop saying it here.

Kate: What the?

Me: Stop!

Kate: Daddy’s not here! (jumps) What the! What the! What the!

Me: Go to your room.

Kate goes to her room for about 15 minutes.

Me: Ok, Kate. You can come down.

Kate walks back down the stairs and steps on a toy.

Kate: Ow! What the?

Me: KATE. You CANNOT say that.

Kate: Why can’t I say that?

Me: It doesn’t sound very nice.

Emma: But they’re not bad words, right mom? Why can’t she say that?

Me: You’re right. They’re not bad words. But she is implying that she’s going to finish with a bad word.

Emma: Maybe she was going to say “what the heck.”

Me: Yes, maybe. But she needs to finish the sentence with “what the heck.” And even then, that’s still not a very nice thing for a 5 year old to say. Kate, where did you learn “what the” from?

Kate looks up from playing her toys.

Kate: What the?

Me: Oh my God.

Emma: Mom, you can’t say “oh my God.” You should say “oh my gosh.”

Me: Kate, who says “what the?”

Kate: I made it up.

Me: No, you didn’t.

Kate: Mom! You need to listen to Emma! You can’t say “oh my God.” You’re not saying very nice things either!

Me: What thhhhh. Oh.

Untitled

The pictures on the walls.

15 Sep

Something is missing from my home.

Pottery Barn furniture. Pinterest worthy decor. Nice things. Yeah, those all are missing. But that’s not what I’m talking about.

It’s pictures of my kids.

Emma’s brand new wrinkly forehead cupped in Scott’s hands. Kate’s toothless smile with drool all over her chin. A blurry curly-haired toddler running in a field. A little girl’s foot slipping into her mommy’s red high heels. No, you won’t find any of those pictures displayed in the house.

You see, my kids age in the frames on the walls. I switch the pictures out every year. The kids you see displayed are the kids you see running down the stairs to greet you. Or the kids you see riding their bikes around the neighborhood.

Those kids are sitting across from me as I type. They are doing their homework. It’s a Sunday night. We’re huge procrastinators. They have no idea I’m taking peeks at their sweet faces from behind the computer screen. Oh, now they’re fighting. I’m staring at the words coming out of their mouths. Stop it.

I don’t see the change. All I see is mine. They are the same faces that were placed in my arms 5 and 8 years ago. Well, they have teeth now. Teeth that come with bad morning breath. Their legs are longer. So are their fingers. Emma wore my flip flops today. They smell like my coconut soap after a bath instead of Johnson’s lavender sleepy time soap. The baths will probably change into showers soon. And Kate told Scott she wanted big boobies before breakfast.

But this.

Emma.

Kate.

I miss those babies. They disappeared. They should be on a milk carton. I don’t like looking at milk carton babies on the walls of my home.

Yeah, I know. They are right here in front me fighting about whose homework is easier. It’s Kate’s. She’s younger. Stop it. 

And no, I don’t want another one. This is not a “I want another baby” post because oh I still see that picture of breast milk leaking through my dress at Scott’s best friend’s wedding. Nope. Done. 

I just miss those two.

But we have these two.

...

And in 10 years these two will be milk carton kids too. Kate will probably have her big boobies. And Scott will still have that look on his face.

 

Do you display recent pictures of your kids? Or do you leave them little milk carton babies? Do you still have pictures displayed from another time? Do you try to live in the moment?

me

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

10 Sep

Kate fell off the counter and landed on her head. She had a big bruise on center of her forehead for about a day or so. (She was fine)

Emma: (screaming from upstairs) Daaa-ad! Kate keeps bumping into me!

Scott: Kate, stop.

Emma: She’s using her bump on her forehead to ram into me! She says she’s a unicorn!

______________

Scott: What did you learn in school today?

Kate: I forgot but it was probably something.

______________

Me: I liked volunteering in your classroom today, Emma. Your teacher is super nice.

Kate: Who is super nice?

Me: Emma’s teacher is.

Kate: Does Emma think she’s not?

______________

I dropped off Emma at school in the car. It was pouring rain. The line to drop off kids was longer than normal.

Kate rolls down the window, points and yells at traffic.

Kate: YOU’RE LATE. YOU’RE ALL LATE! ALL OF YOU!

______________

I was in my bedroom. I could hear Kate rummaging around my sink drawers.

Kate: Ahhhhhhh…

I peeked in. She had her mouth wide open and was applying lipstick.

______________

Scott: Kate, where do you get all your good looks from?

Kate: Mommy and me.

______________

Kate: Uh, your face looks weird when you bite that taco.

Me: What?

Kate: Your face. It’s like this (tilts head to side with her mouth open).

______________

Kate walked in the house after she was done playing outside. She looks down at the floor.

Kate: My feet are dirty. Look at all these dirty footprints. You should clean these floors when I go to school.

______________

Me: Good job getting dressed by yourself, Kate! All red for red day!

Kate: (lifts up her dress) I got red underwear too! Haaa!

Me: Do not show your friends that.

Kate: Why?

______________

We got our pictures taken in our backyard by our friend. Jamie rings the doorbell. The girls answer the door.

Kate: Hi! Mommy and daddy are upstairs right now.

Jamie: Oh, they are?

Kate: Daddy is pooping.

______________

Kate: I can spell K-U.

Emma: Stop it, Kate. You need to learn how to spell K-S-U.

______________

Kate was looking at a framed picture of Kevin Lockett (it was autographed for Emma).

Kate: Ew.

Me: What.

Kate: KU is on there.

Me: No, it’s a picture of a former K-State player. His name is Kevin Locket. K-State has the ball. He is just playing KU in the picture.

Kate: Who’s winning in the picture?

Me: I don’t know what game that was. I’m sure K-State won that game.

Kate: How do you know?

Me: Because KU isn’t very good at football.

Kate: Why isn’t KU good at football?

Me: I don’t know. They just aren’t a football school. They’re better at basketball.

Kate: KU probably just doesn’t practice a lot.

______________

Kate: Can I watch TV?

Me: No. Your dad pulled cable. We can’t watch TV anymore.

Kate: I don’t like daddy anymore. You are my favorite.

______________

I pulled up to a drive-thru. Kate had her window down in the back because it was a nice day out.

Employee: Hi, can I help you?

Kate: HI, CAN YOU THROW MY KID IN THE PLAY AREA?

Me: KATE!!

Employee: Excuse me?

______________

I walked into the bathroom to Kate sitting on the toilet.

Kate: DIARRHEA! SHUT THE DOOR!

______________

Kate: Let’s play restaurant!

Me: Ugh. Ok.

Kate: And what would you like to eat, ma’am?

Me: I’ll have a turkey sandwich and some cottage cheese.

Kate: And would you like a beer to go with that?

______________

Me: Kate, go tell your dad that I want two tacos.

Kate: (to Emma) Mommy wants two tacos.

Me: Does she look like daddy to you?

Kate: No, she looks like you.

______________

Kate: What’s that noise?

Me: Bugs outside.

Kate: What kind of bug is it?

Me: Cicadas or locusts. I can’t remember which one.

Kate: How do they make that werrrerrrre werrrrerrrre noise?

Me: Hmmm..I think their wings? Or maybe their legs.

Kate: I think they hop on the trees to make that noise.

______________

Me: Aw, sad. Someone ran over this caterpillar.

Kate: Is it a baby one?

Me: It’s a big, fat one. Well, I guess all caterpillars are babies, right? Because they turn into a butterfly when they get bigger.

Kate: Butterflies have caterpillars in their tummies?

______________

Kate: I don’t like the dentist. I don’t like that stuff they put on my teeth.

Emma: I like the dentist. The only thing I don’t like is the cavity checker. It’s like a giant monster to me.

______________

Kate: Knock knock.

Me: Who’s there.

Kate: (silent)

Me: (laughing)

Emma: That wasn’t a knock knock joke, Kate.

Kate: She laughed.

______________

Me: Uh, Kate. Where's your hair? Kate: Forgot it.

Me: Uh, Kate. Where’s your hair?
Kate: Forgot it.

______________

I pulled my car into the garage after dropping off Emma at school.

Me: Hurry up, Kate. My PJ shorts are too short.

Kate: Why?

Me: I don’t know. But I don’t want parents to see my butt cheeks hanging out.

Kate: Mom, you need to start wearing pants.

______________

In the car.

Me: Where’s my phone at?

Kate: Probably at home or in the sewer.

______________

Kate: Look at those spiders stuck together! They’re hugging! Awwww!

______________

 

Special Edition: Oh, kids.

Kate had a kindergarten friend over. I picked her up and drove her to our house.

Kid: Wow! Your car is so clean! My mom’s car is not clean at all.

I parked the car in our garage.

Kid: I can’t wait to play at your house again!

Me: You just got here!

Kid: Yeah, but I’m just so excited! I want to come back already!

______________

Me: Do you girls want a snack?

Kate and kid: Yeah!

Me: You’re not allergic to anything, are you?

Kid: Yeah, I am allergic to something.

Me: Uh oh. What is it?

Kid: I’m allergic to poison ivy.

______________

Emma and Kate were showing the friend our basement.

Kate: My daddy shot that fish.

Emma: No, he didn’t Kate. You don’t shoot fish with guns. He bought it from a store.

______________

Me: Hey girls, just dump your water from your tea party in the yard before you come inside.

Kid: Uh, we should go to my house and dump it there. My dad said our yard needs the water.

______________

Twins, 4 year old boys: Mom, can we have a drink?

Mom: You can have milk or water.

Twins: We don’t like your options.

______________

5 year old: Son of a bitch!

Dad: OH! WHOA! You can’t say that.

5 year old: Say what.

Dad: Son of a bitch.

5 year old: I can’t say son of a bitch?

Dad: No. You can’t. You can’t say bitch.

5 year old: But you say bitch.

Dad: I can say bitch.

5 year old: But I can’t say son of a bitch?

(This has got to be my favorite of all time. And no, it wasn’t Kate.)

______________

 

Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

 

Penises are ugly anyway.

8 Sep

Allison: Mel wants a classy bachelorette party. No veil. No penises. Just some drinks and shopping with girlfriends on the Plaza.

Me: Yeah, I figured that is what she would want.

Allison: This is why I’m counting on you to bring the party.

Me: I won’t let her down. Penises are ugly anyway. Do you have Flat Shelly? I got word that she’s at your house.

Allison: Flat Shelly is here and ready.

Me: This will be good.

* The real Shelly was attending a funeral in Nebraska. I don’t know how the real Shelly kept a straight face with the string of pictures sent to her phone.

________

Let's roll.

Let’s roll. TEAM BRIDE. Boom!

Cheers!

And we’re off! Cheers!

A little bourbon never hurt anyone.

A little bourbon never hurt anyone.

The cocktails have ran dry.

Happy hour is over.

Time to shop!

That’s ok! We have shopping to do!

Namaste.

Namaste.

Has anyone seen Shelly?

Ok. Who left Flat Shelly alone with a gourd on the table?

That bourbon is making us sleepy. Starbucks!

The bourbon made us sleepy. Starbucks!

She's an angel.

The bride has arrived to Victoria Secret. I repeat – the bride has arrived to Victoria Secret. Wait, is Shelly wearing wings?

And then all of the sudden, she was in the changing room with Mel and we got kicked out for taking pictures!

Melanie’s honeymoon lingerie is Flat Shelly approved.

Dinner time. Shot with the bride time.

Dinner time. Shots with the bride time.

Hey, our waiter looks like Enrique.

Hey, our waiter looks like Enrique.

No, not Pitbull. ENRIQUE.

No, not Pitbull. ENRIQUE.

Vodka

Vodka from Enrique!

Hurry up, Gina. We have to pee.

Hurry up, Gina. We have to pee.

Wait, who's carrying Shelly?

Wait, who is that? Oh, Shelly.

Oh look! Shelly made some new friends!

Oh look! Shelly made some new friends! Hey, someone needs to get Shelly’s hand out of that girl’s drink.

We love you too. We love everyone here.

We love you too, Shelly. We love you too.

Cut her off. Drink some water, girlfriend.

She’s cut off. Drink some water.

I mean, really?

I mean, really?

She's the life of the party.

Enrique’s back! Ah! And there she goes…making out with the bride. We’re not in college, Shelly.

She just puked in her soup bowl.

And she just puked in her soup bowl.

Why is she staring at me?

She’s got that dazed look in her eye.

The morning after…

Shelly?

And she still has a smile on her face.

Flat Shelly got even dirtier but a certain penis in my household told me I would get a few of us fired from our jobs if I posted them. 

What is the best bachelor/bachelorette party you have been to? What did you do at your bachelor/bachelorette party? Would you trust your friends to take a “Flat You” out on the town? 

 

Untitled

Can anyone hear me?

2 Sep

Greetings, from Burton Island!

Land of 72 degrees. The breeze carries scents of pumpkin spice and cheese dip. It’s the busy season on Burton Island. It’s football season. The three TVs in the Man Cave will glow with thousands of fans. Open the taps! Grab a frosty mug! You’re all invited! Sit back …

This is all a big joke.

We’re off the grid.

No cable.

No internet.

I am starting to question my own existence.

And then all of the sudden I grew a pair.

I found myself a football friend. Her name is Carmen. Ladies like us are hard to find. We are part man.

I found Carmen during one of her meltdowns on social media last year after her OU Sooners lost. Her final post: Don’t talk to me. DO NOT talk to me.

I fell in love immediately.

A star-crossed lover. Her Sooner to my Wildcat. We’re not supposed to be friends. Red and purple don’t look good together. Then again, we could never root for the same team. The Football Gods cannot handle that amount of hair-pulling, PMS-screaming, estrogen shooting at the TV. Our combined force would cause the earth to open up a sinkhole under the opposing team. Oh, did we do that?

Text message to Carmen: Thank GOD football is back.

Carmen: Thank GOD.

Me: We’re debating on whether to take the girls to Manhattan for the game this weekend. We don’t have tickets. We could tailgate with them?

Carmen: Tailgating would be a good intro for the girls. We are bringing the boys to Norman. I told the boys I won’t talk to them during the game unless it is answering football questions. I will not leave early. I will not spend the game at the concession stand. And I WILL pound their face into the bleachers if they complain about being there.

Me: HA! Hmmm…maybe we shouldn’t bring the girls. I don’t want to deal with all of the above.

Me: Ohhhh FML. Oh no. Carmen. NO

Carmen: What.

Me: Scott just sent me an email. READ.

 

photo-6

 

Carmen: Wait, what?

Me: I can’t breathe.

Carmen: Tell me this is a joke. What is wrong with him?

Me: Why do I have to be the male in this relationship? He’s texting me nonsense about Google Chrome and streaming from a computer. He told me to buy some bunny ears. From where? The homeless? I just want to reach through the phone slap him. No, maybe grab his balls to make sure he still has some.

Carmen: LMAO

Me:  This blog post is writing itself.

Carmen: I was thinking the same thing.

 

Welcome back to the blog, SCOTT.

Ok, I’ll hear him out. Marriage is about compromise. He has valid points – the price of cable is ridiculous. We never watch TV. We only turn on the TV for one reason – sports.

Oh, but football. It’s the game, man! How can you yank that without asking! 

It’s fine. I will find a way. I will go to Manhattan and Arrowhead. I will drag my kids to the local bars. I will let myself in friends’ houses. I will try streaming. I will invest in bulk aluminum foil. It can be done. I will survive this football season.

Then I woke up Saturday morning to NO INTERNET.

Somewhere in Norman, Oklahoma, Carmen shivered. My scream shook the ground.

 

It’s fixed. The internet will be restored. The cable will be restored. The cable company is sending us several hundred dollars in VISA gift cards for our trouble. They accidentally deleted our entire account when they pulled cable.

The Football Gods want to see a social media showdown on October 18th. KSU vs. OU. Open the taps!

Get me off this island.

 

Are you a woman with the football man gene? Who is your favorite team to watch? Do you use cable or do you stream? Would you curl into a ball and die without internet? OU or KSU, what’s your bet?

deserted_island

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 932 other followers