Kenny Chesney.

17 Jun

June 2002. Manhattan, Kansas. I just ended my sophomore year at K-State. I decided to live in Manhattan that summer so I could take a few summer courses and make some easy money working at the local snow cone shack.

Scott was my new boyfriend at the time. He decided to live with his parents for the summer. To this day, he regrets that decision because he could have prevented me from making a dumbass out of myself in front of Kenny Chesney.

It’s 2002. Kenny Chesney was not the huge superstar he is now. Or maybe he was. Hell, I don’t know. I didn’t listen to country music back then. This was 3 years before he married Renee Zellweger. His album “No Shoes, No Shirts, No Problem” was just released a few months prior. “Young” and “The Good Stuff” were two of his popular songs at the time. I had to google all of this because, like I said, I didn’t listen to country music.

It was a hot Friday afternoon. I had the day off from work and classes. I went where I always go with a day off – the gym. I guarantee I was whisper rapping with headphones to “Hot in Herre” by Nelly while on the elliptical machine. No one had iPods in 2002. Everyone used arm band radios.

I finished up my workout and headed for the door. Some guy working at the front desk stopped me.

Hey! Come here. Look at this.

I walk over and look at the sign-in sheet he was drooling over.

Look who’s here.

Who?

See? Kenny Chesney!

Who’s that?

Big country singer? He’s in town for Country Stampede. He’s headlining tomorrow.

Oh. Hm. Cool.

I leave and get in my car. I call Scott on my cell phone.

Hey, you love country music. Do you know who a Kenny uh…I think he said Chesney?

Kenny Chesney. Yeah. He’s there for Country Stampede.

Oh. Well, he’s here at the Rec. Some weirdo guy was drooling over the sign-in sheet.

GO BACK IN THERE. Mark, Julie is at the gym and Kenny Chesney is there working out. Yeah! I know! Out of all people, Julie runs into Kenny Chesney! Ok, I’ll ask her. Hey, Julie. You there? Go back in and get his autograph.

Are you serious? I don’t know who he is or what he looks like!

Please! Go back in and ask the guy to point him out for you.

An autograph? What about a picture? I can go back to my apartment and get a camera.

He might leave! Just get his autograph.

Ugh. Fine. I’m all sweaty and I have no make up on. Whatever. You are lucky I have no idea who this guy is.

I go back inside with a pen and paper. I walk up to the weirdo with the sign-in sheet.

So, uh, where did this Kenny Chesney go?

He’s upstairs with the weights. What are you doing?

Getting his autograph for my boyfriend. What does he look like?

Ok. He has an orange Tennessee shirt on. He has a black hat on too. He also brought his huge trainer. You won’t miss him.

Thanks.

I walk up to the weight room. Weirdo was right. I didn’t miss him. Kenny was standing, talking to his 300 pound trainer in between bicep curls. Everyone in the room was staring at them, whispering and pointing. No one would come within 10 feet of Kenny.

Geez, who is this guy? Whatever.

I walk up to Kenny. First thing I noticed was his height. My memory tells me I was at least a head taller than him but according to google, he is only 3 inches shorter than me.

Hi. Are you Kenny Chesney?

He smiled.

Yeah.

Oh. Can I have your autograph for my boyfriend? He’s a huge fan of yours.

He laughed.

And you aren’t?

Ha! Um, I honestly have no idea who you are.

I give him my guilty smile.

He laughed again and started to sign the piece of paper.

What is your boyfriend’s name?

Scott. Thank you so much for doing this. Sorry for interrupting your work out.

I looked around. Everyone in the room had their mouths wide open in shock.

Oh, it’s fine. Here you go. What is your name?

Julie.

It was nice to meet you, Julie.

He looks me in the eye and puts his hand out. I shake it. His eyes fall to my chest then back to my eyes again.

NO! Uhhhh…did he just do that?

I mumbled thanks and walk off with Scott’s autograph. I run back to my car and call Scott again.

Did you get it?

Yeah, I got it. Perv looked at my boobs.

What? What happened?

His eyes dropped from my eyes to my boobs and back to my eyes again. Whatever. I can’t really imagine that guy on a stage. He’s so short. And he’s soft spoken, very polite. Other than his not-so-polite eye flicker. I swear, all you guys are the same. Bunch of pervs.

You need to stop taking so many women studies classes. I’m sure it was in your head.

Uh, no. Your little Kenny Chesney dude looked at my boobs. I’m just stating a fact. I’m not bothered by it. I seriously need to see him on a stage sometime. There’s no way he’s entertaining to watch.

Go with your friends to the concert then! You’d have fun.

I have to work. Country music sucks.

Well, thanks for getting that autograph for me. You have no idea how lucky you are to meet him.

Not a big deal. I’ll see ya next weekend. Bye.

Fast forward to 2013.

My boyfriend, Scott, and I are now married with kids. We hang out with the same group of college friends. Scott and I still use any free time to work out at the gym. Scott listens to old school Usher and Nelly on his iPhone at the gym. I listen to Kenny Chesney, Tim McGraw, or Eric Church. I have gone from saying country music sucks to listening to nothing but country. I know very well who Kenny Chesney is and all the words to his songs.

Exactly 11 years later, that “short, soft spoken, polite, other than the not-so-polite eye flicker” guy sang to tens of thousands of people at Arrowhead Stadium. And I was one of them. I was in the crowd holding up my beer, dancing and singing along to “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem.”

"Whatever makes you feel like a rockstar...."

And “Whatever makes you feel like a rockstar….” That’s right, Kenny. I’m still hitting up the gym.

Kenny was drenched in sweat, bouncing all around the stage singing his heart out, pounding his chest. He was smiling the whole time, having as much fun as I was in the stands.

Kenny and Eric Church.

Kenny and Eric Church.

Kenny Chesney is a completely different person on stage than that Kenny Chesney guy I met in college. I did find one similarity though. The music videos shown behind Kenny on stage had one theme: drop dead gorgeous women in tiny bikinis on a beach.

He totally still does the eye flicker.

The check-ups.

12 Jun

Ever since the birth of Emma and Kate, I have given the family updates on their wellness exams via their own email accounts. This was the first time Emma wrote her own email to the family. I wrote for Kate since she is preoccupied in her bedroom for the rest of her life.

To: <Family>

From: Emma

Subject: 7 year check-up!

hi,

i had a doctor appt today. no shots,woohoo! i am growing big!

i am 49.5 inches tall and weigh 54.5 pounds! whoa!

the doctor checked my tummy and my heart and my back. my ears looked super clean bc i got them cleaned out by the ear doc a few weeks ago. i had a lot of wax. thanks daddy for passing that trait to me.

i got a sucker and a sticker for being good.

love,

emma

_____________________

To: <Family>

From: Kate

Subject: 4 year check-up!

Hi,

I am sitting in my room in a very long time-out right now.

I had a doctor appointment today too. I tried to warn mommy for the wrath of Kate that was coming. She ignored my “I HATE DOCTORS!” warning during the car ride.

The nurse called Emma and me back to one of the rooms. I watch Emma and mommy walk off while I stood in the waiting room with my arms crossed, repeating again: I HATE DOCTORS!

Mommy carried me to the room. The nurse asked us to take off our shoes. NO!

Emma got weighed and measured. I glared at the nurse. I SAID NO DOCTORS!

The nurse asked if I wanted a sucker. Yes, I want a sucker. Mommy said I needed to stand on the scale first. NO! Mommy picked me up while the nurse weighed both of us. I don’t know how the nurse got an accurate weight because I was kicking and screaming in mommy’s arms. Apparently, I weigh 40 pounds. No, nurse. I don’t care how much I weigh! I don’t care if I’m a big girl! My wild unbrushed hair was shaking, my face was red, tears were streaming down my face. I spit in the nurse’s face.

Let me repeat that statement: I spit in the nurse’s face.

The nurse gave up on getting a height measurement. The nurse laughed off my behavior. Mommy was not laughing. Her jaw was clenched. If her eyes could shoot fire, they would start firing right at me. The nurse made a note on my chart. Emma was giggling. I never got the sucker.

The nurse shut the door and told us to wait for the doctor.

Uh oh. It was just me, mommy and Emma in the room. Mommy got all up in my face. She said I wouldn’t have any swimming today, no lunch, no fun. I just stared at her. She said I am in the most trouble I have ever been in. Just wait until I’m 16. Then mommy pulled out the big gun – she called daddy at work. But really, what does that do? I wouldn’t have to deal with him until he comes home.

I already made a mess of myself, might as well continue on. I slapped Emma on the back for no reason then kicked her. Emma fell off the chair and hurt her leg. She started crying. Uh oh. I ran. I ran out the door and into the hallway.

Mommy didn’t chase me. Mommy stayed in the room. I peeked around the corner and mommy was shooting her fireballs with her eyes again. The doctor walked up behind me and I ran and sat on mommy’s lap.

The doctor looked at my chart and said something about me being 4 but I’m still holding on to 3 for a little bit longer. Whatever that means.

The doctor checked Emma out. Then she got to me. Mommy had to bear hug me while the doctor checked my heart. It’s funny how that stethoscope feels like needles being gently placed into my chest. Then mommy had to lay me down while the doctor felt my tummy. I really rocked my abs with my screaming so she couldn’t feel anything. That will show her, trying to touch me. Pfft.

The doctor said 7 years old and 4 years old are two great ages. Mommy said she’s still waiting for the 4 year old. I glared at her. Doesn’t she know this blonde-haired fury is 4?

Can someone bring me some chocolate milk? I’m still in my room waiting to get out.

Love,
Kate

Meet my husband, Buck-a-roo.

10 Jun

“So I finally get to meet Oh Emma and Oh Kate! And Scott! Hi, I’m Justin. I was kinda expecting a giant deer head or something. So nice to meet you.”  – My friend, Justin, meeting my family for the first time at dinner last night. Justin lives in New York and we don’t see each other often. Although, I am lucky enough to see Justin on YouTube every week.

A giant deer head? Hilarious. I can’t get the visual out of my pretty non-deer head. Is this the overall impression of my husband? Can I take a vote, please?

He makes pretty babies.

But he makes adorable blonde-haired and curly-haired babies.

I suppose when I write about Scott, it always has to do with hunting or fishing. It’s just who Scott is.

This post will be no different.

Scott does not hunt for a living. He has a real office job complete with a cubicle. His cubicle is next to mine.

One of my responsibilities at work is to write the company newsletter. I choose an employee to spotlight every month. I had a tight deadline last month due to my traveling (to fish in Florida of all things. Hey, I am the Mrs.) Since I work for the same company Scott works for I didn’t have to look any further than the guy laying next to me in bed. I’m sure it is very obvious Julie and Scott, the co-workers, are also married. This is — word for word — our conversation that was published this month.

Employee spotlight: June 2013. An Interview with Scott.

So tell me Scott, do you have any hobbies? I hunt.

How many times do you hunt in a year, on average? Well, let’s see I’ve gone 4 times this year alone. Probably 25 times a year, no probably 30.

What is your favorite animal to hunt? Deer with my bow during the rut.

And what is a rut? Mating season. It’s when the males are running around looking for the females. The big bucks will come out and run around for maybe one week a year. They’ll hide the rest of the year.

When did you start hunting? Junior year of college. When I transferred to K-State.

Did you feel bad when you shot your first animal? Heck no.

Just a little bit? NO.

Somewhere in the depths of your soul, did you feel bad? NO! I mean, are you going to keep asking me this question, waiting for a different answer?

Moving on. What’s the longest you’ve sat in a tree stand? I don’t know, probably 6 hours.

And you just stare at nothing for 6 hours? Are you just trying to make fun of me?

I am asking the questions, Scott. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done while hunting? I sat in a marsh with holes in my waders. It was 33 degrees and raining. Didn’t shoot one thing. Oh, one time I was getting ready to goose hunt a field and I forgot my boots. I had to wear my crocs in negative wind chill temperatures. Oh, and one time I showed up to my hunting spot and realized I forgot my bow.

So you own Crocs? Yeah.

And how old are you? Huh?

I’m asking the questions, Scott. Would you rather hunt by yourself or with another person? With another person.

Would you want to hunt with your wife? Sure. I would love for her to hunt with me.

It sounds like you know her well. What is your dream hunting trip? To be able to go elk hunting during the rut in Colorado.

With your crocs? Huh?

Here fishy, fishy.

4 Jun
Duuun Dun.

Duuun Dun.

Duuuun Dun Dun.

Duuuun Dun. Dun.

Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun BOM BOM

Dun. Dun. Dun. Dun. Dun. Dun. BOM! BOM!

I made it out of the Bermuda Triangle alive!! Good thing because I can tell people dude, I effin’ saw JAWS.

Well, the hammerhead version of Jaws. The hammerhead wouldn’t take our bloody bait while fishing off the coast of Miami. It was too smart for us. Or just camera shy. Where’s Stephen Spielberg when you need him? I seriously considered slicing my finger and letting blood drip over the boat. The Floridian mosquitos loved my blood, why wouldn’t the hammerhead?

Before we knew it, it was gone. Hammerhead – we would have let you go eventually. We just wanted a picture. You could have been on my blog, hammerhead!

I’ll tell you who did show up to make an appearance on my blog and in my kitchen -

Mahi Mahi.

Mahi Mahi Dolphin.

Unfortunately, I reeled in a much smaller one. The one I am holding was reeled in by Paige Duke.

Brett from KillinIt Outdoors and Paige.

Brett from Killin It Outdoors and Paige. Paige does not have man hands in real life.

Brett and the Get Lit Fishing Team impressed us little ‘ole Kansans. I mean, it doesn’t take much. How can you not have fun with a group like this – they are out of control and I love it (not filmed with us):

Thank you Captain Q, Kitt, Brett and Kelly!! Paige, Amanda and Matt — had a blast with y’all!! Paige, did you hear my adorably cute accent I picked up from you?

We will be back in South Florida in 26 days. Get my reel ready!

We're gunna need a bigger boat.

“We’re gunna need a bigger boat.”

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

3 Jun

Emma: Kate, pretend I need to brush my hair. Go get me a brush.

Kate: Uh, pretend I broke my eyes.

_________

Kate walks up to me.

Kate: I need to tell you something. It’s a secret.

Me: Ok. (I put my ear down for her to whisper)

Kate: Cockroach.

_________

Kate and I were outside Emma’s school with Belle for “bring your pet to school” day. We were sitting waiting for the kids to come outside.

Kate: What are those birds doing?

Me: Just flying around.

Kate: Uh, I think they are playing tag.

_________

Me: Emma, who plays at Arrowhead?

Emma: CHIEFS!

Kate: Ask me.

Me: Kate, who plays at Arrowhead?

Kate: NO ONE!

_________

Kate: When you spit, it makes bubbles. It’s called spit bubbles. Right, mom?

_________

I took the girls to Jason’s Deli for dinner. They serve free ice cream cones. I take the girls to the ice cream station.

Kate: Why do they give ice cream to kids?

Me: I think they just want to make sure kids are happy.

Kate: Oh. Ice cream makes me sad.

_________

Me: Kate! Where are all my bobby pins?! I know you took them out of my bathroom.

Kate: Uh, probably the dogs ate them.

_________

Me: Kate, go look for the remote.

Kate: (walks into my shower then walks out) Nope. Not in the shower!

_________

The girls were playing with my high heels. Emma was wearing my red ones.

Me: You look like a little Dorothy! Do you know where she is from?

Emma: Disney World?

_________

Me: Ok, girls. What do you want for breakfast?

Kate: Peas.

_________

Kate: Stop laughing at me, Emma! I don’t like people laughing at me because it hurts my ears!

_________

I was at the grocery store with Kate. An announcer comes on saying something.

Kate: HEY SPEAKER! YOU KNOCK OFF THE ATTITUDE!

_________

I was at Target with Kate. They had a bunch of check-out counters that were empty.

Kate: Where are all the workers?

Me: Uh, I don’t know. They just don’t keep enough workers to work the registers I guess.

Kate: Uh, probably they’re tired.

_________

Kate brings me a stuffed dog.

Kate: Here’s my dog. His name is Julie. His middle name is Emma. And his last name is Kate. Is that funny, mom?

_________

Me: KATE!!! Why are your new clothes in the trashcan?!

Kate: I don’t like those clothes anymore. They are bad.

_________

Kate: Where are we going?

Scott: Bobby’s house.

Kate: Is Bobby a boy or a girl?

Me: A boy. He’s my cousin.

Kate: Oh. I like girls.

_________

We were playing at our neighbors on the last day of school. A neighbor flooded the lot next to them to make a huge mud pit for the kids.

Kate threw a handful of mud at me.

Me: Hey! Don’t throw mud at me!

Emma: She thinks they are snowballs, mom. She also throws toys at me and says they are snowballs.

_________

I was getting my haircut. My hair stylist gave the girls some water.

Me: Tell Allison thank you.

Emma: Thank you!

Kate: Uh, I’m too shy to say that.

_________

I stopped the car because a female duck and her ducklings were crossing the road. (Adorable)

Emma: They should put a duck crossing sign here.

Me: That would be cute. But I don’t think the ducks would know where to cross.

Kate: They should put a hippo crossing sign here.

_________

I was helping Kate get dressed.

Me: Here. One arm here.

Kate: (sneezes)

Me: Ok, other arm.

Kate: HEY! You need to bless me first, mom!

__________

Kate: Mommy. I love you like I love carrots.

__________

It was raining a lot. Some areas were getting flooded around our neighborhood. We were driving through a big puddle.

Emma: Kate, do you know what a flood is?

Kate: No.

Emma: It’s like a big swimming pool but it’s not a swimming pool. It’s bad.

I might die in the Bermuda Triangle.

29 May

Sorry for the scare up there in the title. Please, continue on.

Hey Scott. Let’s go to Cabelas and get me a fishin’ shirt. Girls, you want to go to Cabelas?!

Did you just hear what you said?

Ummm…but I need a fishing shirt.

You’re changing! I knew I’d get you to be my cool hunting wife.

I’m not effing changing. It’s deep sea fishing. We went deep sea fishing on our honeymoon in Hawaii. Nothing has changed.

Whatever. I’ll be gettin’ you some camo by next year.

No. You won’t.

In less than 48 hours I will be on my way to meet Scott in his old stomping grounds of Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. We have a dinner date set up on Friday with some of our South Florida friends (Hi Lindsay!! I’m waving!!) then come Saturday, bright and early …

I’ll be Killin’ It Outdoors with Scott and Brett in the Bahamas.

Our friend, Brett, and his team just broke a world record. He caught all 9 species of billfish around the world in 26 days.

Brett is on the left.

Brett is on the left. Image from Killin’ It Outdoors.

Brett and his world record, pshhh. Get out of here. Let me at ‘em! A woman against the sea! My nails are clipped short. My hair is deep conditioned, ready for the sea salt air. My hands are roughed up from the weights I have been lifting at the gym. No dramamine needed in my bag, no sir! I’m ready to put up the big fight!

Like any good fisherwoman, I started to google which fish are biting right now in the Bahamas. Oh yeah. Blue Marlin. White Marlin. Maybe a little Black Fin Tuna. Which one will I be holding up for the cameras. Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if the Bahamas was in the Bermuda Triangle? That would creep me the eff out. Hmmmm…google image search: bermuda triangle.

You have got to be kidding me.

You have got to be kidding me.

Brett – charge up the video cameras. Get them ready for me holding up my trophy Blue Marlin. No, seriously charge up the video cameras because we need video evidence of the ocean swallowing us whole. 

I would love to prove to the world that the Bermuda Triangle swallows planes and boats but uh, I don’t want to die. Can we live-stream this? People need to know where to save us. I would live-tweet our adventure but I have a strange hunch that I won’t get cell phone service because oh, I don’t know WE WILL BE IN THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE. Jesus, help me. What? Was that a ghost?

Text message to Scott:  And why didn’t you tell me we will be in the Bermuda Triangle?

Scott: Oh great. It will be fine. Stop reading the history of the Bermuda Triangle on the internet.

It really freaks me out when he knows me this well.

Rest in peace, Flight 19 from 1945.

Rest in peace, Flight 19 from 1945. You put up a good fight trying to get home.

Scott is already using the Bermuda Triangle excuse as for why he won’t catch anything. Scott speaks only for himself. I will be catching a Blue Marlin. It’s not everyday you get to deep sea fish with a world record breaking fisherman.

Assuming we get out alive. I’ll tweet as far out as I can.

Memorial Day.

27 May
To the fallen heroes of this country,

To the heroes.

we salute you.

We salute you.

We taught our kids two things this weekend:

Memorial Day is to honor the men and women who died while serving this country.

And Memorial Day weekend is the official start of summer.

Hello summa summa.

Hello summa summa.

It doesn’t get any more American than kickin’ back at a cabin on the lake. We stayed with our friends, Casey and Devon. Devon and her totally awesome, freckled-faced family hosted.

Stop. Just stop. I can't handle the awesomeness of this family.

Stop. Just stop. I can’t even handle the awesomeness of this family and this picture.

We fished. Ok, I’m lying. It was the guys. The guys fished. There was no “we”.

We ate the fish. And that is a definite “we”.

We boated. Our friends, Shawn and Julie, joined us with their boat. The lake was pretty choppy. Did you hear our high-pitched screams, all of Kansas? 

We cracked open a few beers. Summer Shandy is where it’s at. Or Coors Light. Or wine coolers. Or Sneak Attacks. Or Vodka Iced Tea. You know, what have you. Hey get your hands off those! The squeeze-its are for the kids!

We ran around on sandy beaches. Sand goes in the weirdest places. I just don’t understand you beach people.

We swam in the lake. Ok, I’m lying again. The kids swam in the lake. Any female that was in the lake was trying to pee while making awkward faces.

We took naps on the beach. We forgot to reapply sunscreen while sleeping on our stomach and got burnt on our backside. We never want to see the sun again. And by “we”, I mean me. It was me.

Seriously. No more sun. Long sleeved shirt for me.

Seriously. No more sun. Long sleeved shirt for me. Oh hey, this is Gabby the dog.

We made s’mores around the campfire.

photo-9 copy 2

And they were delicious.

We played Catchphrase: Adult edition around the campfire after the kids were in bed. The people sitting around the campfire in the cabin next to us suddenly went completely silent. I can’t imagine why – DICK! FELLATIO! SPREAD EAGLE! ANTEATER! What? You’ve never seen an uncircumcised penis?

We sang karaoke and ate birthday cake. And then we accidentally left the birthday cake in the fridge for the cleaning people to score a gold mine.

To Devon and her family – thank you for having us! You guys rock.

And to those we honor on Memorial Day -

Cheers!

Cheers! U-S-A!

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