My makeup routine.

26 Jan

“You should get drunk and write a blog post. It would be hilarious.”

“I need to get in shape. You need to write more fitness blog posts.”

“Oh no, are you going to write about this on your blog?”

“I love your makeup. You should write about your makeup routine.”

I never run out of blog post ideas. Most ideas are sitting in my drafts folder. But sometimes someone will suggest something that I think is worth writing for.

My makeup routine.

See ya, guys.

We’re all women here. We all know how to apply makeup. I could show you what I do but this post is not meant to teach a bunch of 12-year-olds how to blend eyeshadow. I’m also not comfortable showing a step-by-step closeup of my face because ew, gross – eyeball and clogged pores.

Scott has no clue I wear makeup.

“You’re writing a blog post on makeup? You don’t even wear it.”

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Scott has known me for 13 years. Scott thinks I wake up looking like this.

My only piece of advice regarding the world of beauty products is for the 12-year-olds – wear sunscreen. Your adult self will thank you for slowing the aging process down.

 – Or  – be a super nerd and stay inside the house every summer with your face buried in a book. The cliques of pretty girls covered in baby oil at the pool will like you one day. And so will the boys – shocker, I know.

This is me when I wake up. 33 years old. No makeup. No photoshop. No fancy Instagram or photography app edits. I’m tired because I was up late reading a book. And I’m mad because my daughters’ school starts too damn early. The only thing I did here was wash my face the night before and use moisturizer. I added additional moisturizer in the morning because it’s winter and my skin is dry.

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I also pick zits that I still get at 33. Scar on my chin, Jesus. 

My makeup routine. Hm, I wear makeup almost every day. And if I’m not wearing it, you can bet I’m wearing sunglasses. It’s not for anyone else but to make myself feel pretty.

Sure, I’ll run errands without makeup. I don’t care what the Target cashier thinks of my bare face. But I’m more likely to argue a price check if I’m wearing makeup.

Now that I screwed your 12-year-old self over, slap on some moisturizer with sunscreen then head towards the makeup aisle. These companies did not ask me to write about them. This is simply word-of-mouth. Pretty mouths. Mouths that are worth arguing for at the price check. My favorites:

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Koco matte eyeshadow by Beauty Brands in Discrete – sweep this on the bottom of your eyelid and feather up to your eyebrow. Or sometimes I just brush it in my crease. It’s a good solid eye-opener color if you don’t have time to blend any other colors with it.

Mac Lipstick in High Tea – Mac makeup is expensive but worth it. This stuff stays on my lips all day, even after I eat. This nude color is my new favorite.

NYX Eyebrow Cake Powder in Taupe/Ash – Filling in eyebrows is my newest trick. I never thought I needed to because I have dark eyebrows. Oh, I need to. Everyone needs to fill in your eyebrows. It makes a huge difference. It defines the eye or something. I don’t know, I’m not a makeup artist but I know what looks good.

Mary Kay Nourishine Plus Lip Gloss in Rock N Red – I’m wearing this in the first picture. I tried this color over Christmas with Scott’s cousins. It’s bold. It’s a date night lipstick. Every woman in Scott’s family looked stunning in it. And they’re not Mexican like me.

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I’m wearing all my favorite makeup here. Except the Mary Kay lip gloss.

 

 

Do you have any must-try makeup products? Do you wear makeup every day? Why do you wear makeup? Did the guys really take off?

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Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

19 Jan

Kate: How do you spell “I farted.”

__________

Kate: Did you ever play the drums when you were little?

Me: No, not really.

Kate: Oh. Me either.

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We were watching Christmas Vacation. The swimming pool scene was on where the hot chick flings off her swimsuit then starts to rise up out of water.

Kate: Uh, daddy?

Scott: Yeah.

Kate: Is that girl getting out the pool naked?

Scott: …….yes. Yes, she is, Kate.

__________

Scott’s cousin, Catt, was putting Emma’s hair up.

Catt: Julie! I did Emma’s hair and I told her she looks 17 and all the boys will fall in love with her.

Kate: What? I want mine done too!

__________

I was cutting jalapeños for my sandwich.

Kate: Uh, you shouldn’t eat those.

Me: Why not?

Kate: You know.

Me: No, why can’t I eat them?

Kate: It makes your butt hurt.

__________

I was laying down with Kate before she went to sleep.

Kate: Scratch my back.

Me: That’s daddy’s job.

Kate: Now it’s your job.

__________

Scott: Emma! You have chocolate all over your face. Go wipe that off.

Emma: Daddy! You have hair growing out of your face. Go shave.

__________

Kate: Why do you have hair on your butt?

__________

Me: Kate! Stop using my nice pens. You have markers and crayons upstairs to use.

Kate: It’s called sharing and being on the nice list.

__________

We were at a friend’s house for New Year’s Eve. The adults were in the kitchen and the kids were playing upstairs. Kate comes running up to me.

Kate: Mommy! We saw Colton’s thing.

Me: What do you mean?

Kate: He walked out of the bathroom with no pants on.

Me: Oh, you saw his underwear?

Kate: No underwear.

Me: You saw his penis?

Kate: (stares at floor)

Me: Hey Emma!

Emma: Yeah.

Me: Did you and Kate see Colton’s penis?

Emma: (shrugs) Yeah, he walked out of the bathroom naked (giggles)

__________

Emma: Mom! Kate rubbed a comb in her butt then gave it to me and told me to brush my hair. I did and she told me what she did and now my hair smells like poop.

Me: (look at Kate)

Kate: (scrunches her nose, waves like she smells something that stinks)

__________

Kate singing at the grocery store.

Kate: “If you’re sad and you know it, stomp your foot!” (stomp, stomp) …. “If you’re mad and you know it, blow your nose!” (blows out her nose twice and snot goes everywhere)

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Kate: Did you know dogs sniff other dogs butts to say hi?

__________

Kate had a sleep study done at Children’s Mercy. The next morning, I had to wash the cement the nurses put in her hair to keep the wires on her head. I started the bath water.

Kate: Don’t forget to add soap. The nurse said the soap will help to get this stuff off my head.

Me: I’ll add soap.

Kate: Good thing daddy isn’t here. He just throws us in a tub of water. He never puts soap in or washes our hair.

__________

Driving in the car.

Kate: That guy is smoking in his car.

Me: Yeah, that’s not good.

Kate: Smoking in your car?

Me: Well, smoking at all.

Kate: Why do people smoke?

Me: They start smoking then they get addicted and they can’t stop. So never start smoking.

Kate: Oh. Good thing girls don’t smoke, right mom?

__________

Emma and Kate were fighting.

Me: Kate! Knock it off!

Kate: You knock it off! (snaps) And that was a “J” snap for Julie.

__________

We took the girls to IHop.

Kate: I need more dip.

Me: Huh?

Scott: (pours syrup on her plate)

Kate: Bacon dip (dips bacon into the syrup)

__________

We were driving and we happened to pass Scott’s old high school.

Scott: Girls! That’s where I went to high school!

Kate: Is that where you went when you were late coming home and Papa was sitting in the garage waiting for you and then he yelled at you?

Scott: ……yes.

__________

I was painting our basement in my pajamas. I had Christmas pj pants on and an old t-shirt. Kate comes down.

Kate: Ha! Get those pants off! It’s not Christmas anymore!

__________

I was putting my bra on when Kate walks in my bathroom.

Kate: (staring at my boobs)

Me: Stop it. What are you doing?

Kate: When am I gunna get some of those? I have baby ones.

__________

Kate asked for a game on my phone. I added it.

Kate: Don’t worry. I saw your password but I won’t remember it for later.

__________

Scott was helping Kate with her homework.

Scott: 9 birds are in the bird feeder. One bird flew away. How many birds are left in the feeder?

Kate: Let’s see…9…MINUS MUSTACHE! (holds finger across upper lip)…1 is 8.

__________

I took the girls to Target. We walked in the automatic doors. Emma and Kate waved their arms as if they moved the doors open themselves.

Kate: LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

__________

Still at Target.

Me: Girls, I’ll be looking at these swimsuits over here. You can pick out one toy from the dollar section. I can still see you, I’ll be right here.

Emma: Ok, come on Kate.

A few minutes pass. I look up to see how girls are doing. Kate walks by and continues walking further away, down the main aisle.

Me: HEY! What are you doing? Come back here!

Kate: Dollar section is not good. I saw some Hello Kitty makeup at the other end of the store.

__________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: Mom! Look! Look at me mom! Mooooom! Loooook at meeeeee!

Mom: I’m driving, kid! I do NOT have eyes on the back of my head!

Kid: WHAT?! What happened to them?

ohemmaohkate

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

I don’t believe in cold vacations.

13 Jan

Call me ignorant. Call me uneducated. Call me hard-headed. Call me what is that crazy-ass woman screaming about and who is Scott?

In four weeks, my crazy will be showing on top of a mountain.

Scott is taking me skiing in Keystone, Colorado. He will push me down a mountain and expect me to lean forward like I’m on some sort of suicide mission.

Scott’s current annoyance level with me is at a “fine, screw it. I’ll hire private lessons for you on the first day. I’m not dealing with this.”

Whatever level that is.

We took the family to Dick’s Sporting Goods to get snow skiing gear.

Kate: I know how to spell dicks! D-I-C-K-S! Dicks.

Emma: Kate, you’re just copying the Dicks sign.

It was Scott’s last laugh. I don’t know, the words just came spewing out of my mouth and now Scott isn’t talking to me:

 

Scott, I’ve never seen a mountain. I went to Denver once but it was cloudy.

I told you. I don’t believe in cold vacations. All of my beliefs are traced back to my parents. Don’t blame me on how I was raised.

My mom is Mexican.

I was raised normal, Scott.

What happens if I don’t want to get off the ski lift? Can I ride back down?

What happens if I don’t want to go down once I’m pushed off the lift?

Can I ride on someone’s back and close my eyes?

Can you pull me on a sled and close my eyes?

All I’m saying is I’d much rather be three quarters naked on a boat.

Yeah, well fighting a 200 pound fish is a workout too.

How many layers? How is this even considered a vacation?

I swear, if you take off with your friends and leave me on top of a mountain by myself, I will click off those skis and walk sideways down the mountain. I will find you and strangle you.

Given the choice of looking crazy or rolling down a mountain in a ball of snow, I’ll take crazy.

Oh, I’m only shopping for Burton apparel.

Yes, I plan on telling people that my last name is Burton so yes, people will know.

How is that embarrassing?

Hell no, I won’t try snowboarding. I’d rather walk.

What are the ski stick thingies for? Is it a brake?

Why would I need zippers on my pockets? Oh, so you take your phone with you when you ski? Would it be possible to hold a phone out in front of you while you’re skiing? Or is that too much balancing?

I went skiing once in 5th grade on a hill in Kansas or maybe Missouri. It’s called Snow Creek. My friend’s parents took me with their family. All I remember is cold and where’s my mommy.

Is Keystone like the cheap-y economy style skiing resort? You know, like the beer?

How am I acting like a child? Wait, worse than a child? Oh, because I’m arguing about scenarios that haven’t even happened. That makes complete sense.

Avalanches are a real thing.

Frost bite is a real thing.

Mountain lions are a real thing.

Me getting my tongue stuck on the bar of a lift is a real thing.

Uh, can totally see you sneaking off the side of the mountain to go shoot a mountain lion.

I’m not dumb. I’m just realistic.

Well, maybe I can hang with you and your friends on the double black diamond. You don’t know. Maybe I’ll be a natural.

Don’t tell me I’m not allowed on the double black diamond, Scott. You’re not my father.

Then send a helicopter.

Yes, I’ve seen pictures of people having fun skiing. And I feel sorry for them. They look cold.

How is preferring warm weather being judgy?

So it’s going to be the exact same temperature as here? Great.

No, I didn’t bring a coat. I don’t need it running in and out of a store.

So you just go up and down a mountain, like, all day? How about just once then we go see the town?

Yes, I still want to go.

Why would you cancel it?

I promise, Scott. I won’t be the crazy wife.

 

Have you ever been snow skiing? Do you prefer skiing over a warm vacation? Has your spouse quit talking to you because of your hard-headedness? Am I the only person to never see a mountain? Any advice is welcome! I’ll listen to you, just not Scott.

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Uptown funk you up.

5 Jan

No – Julie funk you up, APPLE.

I live a hard life.

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All I want is Bruno Mars on my iPhone’s song list.

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 And to dance like him. I have that same hat somewhere.

I am unable to download songs to my iPhone. Even worse, my songs are disappearing. My beautiful, finely tuned playlists are disappearing.

I can’t live a life like that.

I have been charged for Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson feat. Bruno Mars oh I don’t know, 20 times.

Are you sure you want to purchase this? You already purchased this item.

HELL YES, iSURE.

I know those Apple techs browse pictures. I would. Especially after watching a mom and her two daughters walk in the Apple store with fedoras on. Apple doesn’t have a policy against flinging arms while watching Uptown Funk on an iPad’s YouTube app.

Go ahead – browse, Apple techs. But I won’t leave until I get Bruno Mars.

 

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It was for ALS awareness. We’re saving lives.

 

 

Our neighbors love me.

Our neighbors love me.

 

I only have one at my house.

I only have one at my house.

 

And it's not this one.

And it’s not this one.

 

I love bonerfish.

I love bonerfish.

 

Yep. This song has disappeared too, APPLE.

Billie Jean is deleted too, Apple.

 

From Africa to America - where KSU beat OU.

From Africa to America – where KSU trumps OU.

 

My friends are unphased by my "cleaning up a murder" request. I'll murder for Bruno Mars.

Un-phased by my “cleaning up a murder” request. I’ll murder for Bruno Mars.

 

Murder and EAT.

I will murder and eat you to the skeleton. OR APPLE CORE.

 

Um.

Ummm.

 

Bruno Mars has hairy legs.

Bruno Mars has hairy legs and clearly – not lazy.

 

I talk to cats.

I’m crazy and I talk to cats. FIX IT, APPLE.

 

I don't know where she gets her rage from.

I don’t know where she gets her rage from. Probably her mother.

 

 

We left it all on the iPads, Apple.

We left this picture all on the iPads, Apple Store. Thanks for browsing.

 

 

Have you heard the song Uptown Funk? Do you like it? You’re a liar if you don’t. It’s like a new Michael Jackson has graced us with his presence. 

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It was from Africa.

29 Dec
  • Crown Royal Apple whiskey.
  • Absolut Vodka and Bloody Mary mix.
  • A Starbucks giftcard.
  • An Olive Garden giftcard with toilet seat covers in a mug.
  • A hard hat that holds two beers.
  • A Zulu Mcedo – in english: a penis tip cover. 

It was from Africa.

The White Elephants were good to Scott and me this 2014 Christmas season. I’m going to call that last one our African Elephant.

A Zulu Mcedo: Woven with grass and banana leaves, worn by Zulumen as protection under traditional skin clothing.

A Zulu Mcedo: Woven with grass and banana leaves, worn by Zulumen as protection under traditional skin clothing.

It’s a penis tip cover to prevent chaffing in African wear.

Sometimes the small packages are not gift cards. Sometimes the small packages are made for small packages. If you touch the small package and your friends fall over in hysterics while trying to sputter out, “it was from Africa…” 

Drop it. Tell them you forgot the rules. Do not pick small packages from Africa.

I mean, Scott is white. But he’s not that white. This thing fits on my finger tip.

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I swear on the Holy Bible that is my finger tip.

I could end this blog post right here. It would be known as the blog post that proves our friends’ check-on bags from South Africa trumps any Amazon white elephant purchase. No ebola here! Just a penis tip cover. Nothing for kids to see.

Oh, the kids saw. Scott left this thing on the kitchen table for the kids’ viewing pleasure as they crunched on their Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Emma: Mommy, what’s this?

I spilled coffee on my shirt.

Me: Nothing. Your dad’s gift from last night.

Damnit, Scott.

Emma: What is it?

Me: I don’t even really know.

Emma: Maybe it’s a hat.

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It was from Africa.

Kate: Let me see it.

Why isn’t my life filmed.

Me: Let me have it. I think it was a joke.

Kate: I think it goes on my nose.

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It was from Africa.

Me: Hey, let’s not do that. Pretty sure all our neighbor friends had their hands all over that thing last night. Maybe their tongues. I don’t know what really went on.

Kate: It kinda stinks.

Me: I’ll take it. Thank you. It was from Africa. Sit here and eat. I’m going to take this back to daddy.

_________

Me: SCOTT. You left this thing out! The kids are playing with it!

Scott: What did they say about the picture?

Me: Huh? Nothing. It’s just another naked female body to them. They see me naked all the time. It’s the penis tip cover! Scott, get it out of here!

Scott: Really? They didn’t say anything about the picture?

Me: No. They glanced at the picture. It’s really not any different than how you and I dress around the house. They want to know what this PENIS TIP COVER IS!! Should we throw it away?

Scott: No way! It’s my new poker chip piece. I’ll hide it.

_________

The dog plays with it.

The dog plays with it.

It's a tea cup.

The girls have tea parties with it.

It's an African Elephant.

It’s an African Elephant.

It was from Africa.

Did you go to any White Elephant gift exchanges? What did you get? Did you get anything from Africa? Do you think the Zulu Mcedo will expand in water? It’s made out of banana leaves. Maybe we’re doing something wrong.

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Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

22 Dec

Kate: It’s not good to cough and fart.

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Emma: Why did you write “from the Scott Burtons?”

Me: Because there will be 4 Burton families at the Burton Christmas. I can’t write from “the Burtons.”

Kate: But we’re the real Burtons, right mom?

___________

We were getting ready to go to a neighborhood white elephant gift exchange.

Kate: Don’t forget the elephant.

___________

Kate: Teach me how to snap.

Me: Ok. Hold your fingers like this and snap down. Make your fingers hit the fatty part of your palm. Like this.

Kate: (tries to snap)

Me: It takes practice. You’ll get it. (I walk off and come back into the room, 15 minutes later.)

Kate: (sitting in the corner, with her hand in front of her face, perfecting her snap.)

Me: Have you been snapping this whole time?

Kate: I want it louder.

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Me: Kate, what do you want for Christmas?

Kate: I was thinking something about a playground for the backyard but that’s probably expensive.

Me: What about clothes?

Kate: That’s boring.

Me: Do you want to go naked?

Kate: (stares at me and snaps in my face)

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I took the girls to a cupcake shop.

Me: Ok girls, pick out a cupcake. Oh, this gingersnap cupcake looks good.

Kate: I want that. The gingersnap. (snaps in the air 3 times)

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I was in the car with Kate.

Kate: How do you make the car stop?

Me: There’s a brake at my foot. There’s two pedals down here. One to go and one to stop.

Kate: So whats that stick you move?

Me: Oh, that’s where I put what gear it needs to be in. P means park. D means drive, or go. R means reverse. And N means neutral, like if someone had to push my car. See these letters here?

Kate: Didn’t they teach you to keep your eyes on the road for safety?

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Emma: We know what you’re getting for Christmas.

Me: Tell me.

Emma: Nope.

Me: I’ll get you to crack. Give me a hint.

Emma: No hints.

Kate: CAT.

Me: What?

Kate: Well, I’m getting you a cat so I can have a cat.

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Kate: Daddy, what’s your favorite state?

Scott: Ummm….

Kate: Mine is K-State.

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Me: Did you make cookies with Lane and his mom today?

Kate: Yes. We went to the store and bought the ingredients.

Me: Did you eat the dough?

Kate: No.

Me: NO?!

Kate: No.

Me: Are you lying?

Kate: I don’t know.

___________

Emma was angry about something.

Kate: Remember our yoga class, Emma? Breathe in (inhales) and breathe out (exhales) when you’re mad.

Emma: Stop the yoga talk, Kate.

___________

Me: Kate, what do you want to drink?

Kate: You know. (snap snap snap)

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Emma: Dad! Mommy said come downstairs pronto!

Kate: What does pronto mean in English?

___________

I took Kate to get a haircut. She doesn’t like her hair cut because she doesn’t like attention on herself.

Kate: (in seat) Don’t look at me.

Me: Oh ok. (I face the other direction. I sneak a peak at her)

Kate: (staring at me. Shakes her finger at me and snaps)

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Kate got in trouble.

Me: Go to your room.

Kate: (runs to her room) AND THANKS FOR TEACHING ME HOW TO SNAP! (snap snap. Slams the door.)

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Me: Do you snap at school?

Kate: Yes. (snap snap)

Me: Stop snapping. It’s rude.

Kate: (holds her hand up, with fingers curved, ready to snap.)

Me: You snap at me one more time, you will go to your room.

Kate: (snap snap snap)

Me: Go to your room.

Kate: (runs upstairs. Snaps at top. Door slam)

___________

Scott took Emma out deer hunting. Emma got what is called “buck fever” – where she couldn’t pull the trigger on a big buck because of her nerves. Emma came home upset she couldn’t pull the trigger.

Scott: Well, maybe you weren’t supposed to shoot that buck because Jesus didn’t want you to shoot it.

Emma: But I did want to shoot it. Jesus didn’t listen to my prayers!

___________

This was before our dog, Bailey, passed away.

Me: Hey, Kate. Watch my breakfast. I need to run upstairs and get something. Make sure the dogs don’t eat it.

(I run upstairs and come back down)

Me: Good job, Kate. The dogs didn’t touch my food!

Kate: Yeah, they did. Bailey ate it. I fried you a new egg sandwich while you were upstairs.

___________

Me: Hurry up, Kate. Change your pants before I take Emma to school. You’re making us late.

Kate: Well, you shouldn’t have grown two babies then. (snap snap)

___________

Kate: (walked in kitchen, laughing) Daddy is wearing pink today!

Scott walks in kitchen, not wearing pink.

Me: I thought you had on pink today.

Scott: She made fun of me too much so I changed.

___________

Scott: What should we get mommy for her birthday?

Kate: Let’s talk about my birthday.

___________

Me: Please stop kicking the counter, Kate.

Kate: Why? (continues to kick)

Me: Why do you think?

Kate: It’ll break.

Me: Yes, please stop.

Kate: I don’t know. It’s pretty hard. (kicks)

___________

We were babysitting my niece, Gabby, for the weekend. I sent Emma to rub Gabby’s back to get her to take a nap. Emma walks downstairs.

Emma: I can’t get Gabby to go to sleep.

Kate: Did you try putting her in a closet?

___________

Scott and I have a “race” when we drive home from the gym with the girls.

Me: Kate, get in my car. Emma is in daddy’s. Let’s go.

Kate: Ok, I’ll go with you but I’m pretending I’m in daddy’s car.

___________

Kate: Did Emma cry when she got her ears pierced?

Me: Yeah, she cried a lot.

Kate: Did the whole mall hear her?

___________

Kate: How do you spell bush?

I’m sorry. I laughed because I have a dirty mind.

___________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kate had a friend over.

Friend: Can I use your bathroom?

Me: Sure! Turn down that hall.

Friend: KATE! Come to the bathroom with me so I can talk to you!

___________

Friend: Hey, Julie Burton?

Me: You can call me Julie.

Friend: No, everyone calls you Julie Burton and I like the sound of that better.

___________

I was watching two kids from Kate’s class one morning.

Friend 1: Why do you always sit by Kate?

Friend 2: Because everyone wants to sit by me.

___________

I was driving my niece in the car. I heard a fart noise from her mouth.

Me: What was that?

Gabby: (fart noise) Not me!

Me: Where did you learn that?

Gabby: Your turn!

___________

Kid: Mommy, will you cheer for me in the stands when I’m older?

Mom: Cheer for you? What will you be doing?

Kid: When I’m a bull rider, mommy.

Mom: I will cheer for you, son.

___________

ohemmaohkate

Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

The Family Christmas.

15 Dec

Oh, to be the fly on the wall.

I knew at a young age it is mandatory to hug Grandma when I arrive at her house for the family Christmas. I learned to finish my plate before throwing it away and always offer to help clean up. I also learned never listen to what my dirty uncle has to say and cover my eyes when my aunt starts taking her top off.

The fly on the wall has been laughing at my dad’s side of the family for over 33 Christmases.

For those that are new to my blog, please know I don’t write profanity. It’s just not my style. I like to find other words to describe how I’m feeling.

Please close the tab now if you like to keep it that way.

Merry Christmas and peace be with you.

…………

Ah, you stayed. Welcome.

Let’s all admit the original Christmas Vacation is a hell of a lot better than the TBS edited version. Admit it.

I told you.

There are exceptions when it comes to profanity, God dammit. And holiday bullshit with the family is one of them.

Raise your glass, motherfuckers. I hope it’s filled with a hard liquor of your choice – to what the fly on the wall heard at Grandma’s House, Christmas 2014:

  • Did you bring beer? — Yeah, I brought whiskey. — It’s fuckin’ bullshit that Grandma made it BYOB this year.
  • Who’s drink are you making? — Grandma’s. Just a splash of vodka will be fine.
  • I don’t know what to tell you. My daughter is normal around every other family except this one.
  • You missed it! Someone said “don’t touch my dick!”
  • This baby likes beer. — No, she doesn’t. — Yeah, she does. I have pictures.
  • Did you remember to talk to Grandma when you got here? — Yes, mom. We had a big dialogue about the spirit of Christmas and what it means to each of us.
  • Shhhh, Grandma’s saying the blessing! Hey let’s make an over/under bet again. Grandma will start crying in 20 seconds. Who’s in?
  • Is someone filming this?
  • (unison) In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. — Is this a song?
  • Hey, get your ass away from Grandma, you suck up. You’re not in the family yet.
  • Well, at least she knows a good weiner when she sees one.
  • Sweet hubby of mine, will you get me an ice water? — You do know that people in hell want ice water. — What? — You guys, that’s how you handle a wife.
  • Did she burn the macaroni this year? — That’s bullshit. I didn’t burn the macaroni.
  • Look at all these babies in this room! This family has a lot of unprotected sex.
  • Look! That baby is trying to escape the family by climbing up the stairs.
  • I lift weights and the only thing that hurts is when I move my arm like this. — And your dick. — I have to raise it really hard and fast so my arm doesn’t get stuck and hurt. — And your dick. — My dick is fine, you dickhead.
  • Let me explain something here. This guy is not blood-related. There’s no blood here. Don’t listen to his ass.
  • Look! Grandma is smiling with her arms around the two lesbians. — Good for her. There ain’t any men her age around anymore.
  • Stop grabbing your brother’s dick!
  • Kids! You have a 30 second time frame to say thank you to Grandma. You open, you say thank you, you sit down. Do you want to be here until midnight? Jesus. We’re going to be here until fucking midnight. How many damn kids are there?
  • Aw, she got a blue KU dress from Grandma! — It’s Royals blue, you asshole!
  • Zach, go give Grandma a kiss. Ok, now give her some tongue.
  • Your aunt is taking her shirt off again. — Oh, God. — Ha! Now your uncle is getting a chubby.
  • Watch this. I’m going to throw this ball at your uncle’s head. You try! Aim for the bald spot.
  • Oh, I know why she likes your beard. It’s a womb broom, man. Ha! Look at your old man covering his ears and screaming.
  • Uggggghhh, hurry up! — What’s wrong? You just gotta drink more during these type of things. Haven’t you learned this by now?
  • Grandma, we all went in on a gift for you. We talked to your audiologist. This device sits around your neck when you’re watching TV and it will amplify the sound for your hearing aids. So when you’re watching your Wheel of Fortune or I love Lucy. — PORN! — Or any sports games, just use this and you’ll be able to hear it better. — YOU’LL BE ABLE TO HEAR YOUR PORN, GRANDMA!
  • Who just shit their pants? Wait until it’s quiet next time.
  • Grandma has to take a shit. MOVE! MOVE NOW! MAKE A PATH!
  • Well, someone needs to go help Grandma. She can’t wipe her ass on that toilet. There’s no handrail. She’s going to fall off. Someone needs to go in there.
  • I’m sorry, I’m just not that comfortable coming out of the closet with Grandma.
  • Oh, tell your kids to be careful when they wash their hands in the bathroom. The only water temperature is scalding hot.
  • I think that sweatshirt has a collar.
  • No! Wait, you can’t trade white elephant gifts! — Yes, we can! — Only one is dead. You can’t trade the other one right in front of us. — Ok, we’ll go trade in the driveway.
  • Who’s kid am I holding?
  • Her boobs are gunna be just like her mother’s, hanging to her knees.
  • I like small boobs but I’m more of an ass girl. — I thought you were a box girl?
  • Turn the TV off! — It’s so old, I don’t even know how.
  • Every time I come back here, I feel like I went back in time.
  • I need to flush my tampon but I’m worried about this old plumbing system.
  • He’s going to come stay with me for a few days. — Oh, watch out. This is the aunt that made me take a bath with her when I was a kid.

Do you have a Griswold Family too? How do you celebrate Christmas with your extended family? Can anyone top my crazy family? Should I video tape the family Christmas next year?

FamilyChristmas

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