The cold never bothered me anyway.

18 Aug

Emma: Mommy, why are we dumping a bucket of water on your head after school?

Me: Well, people want to help fight a disease called ALS.

Emma: What is ALS?

Me: Here, let’s look it up. Ok. It’s a disease. It starts in the brain and it attacks the muscles. If someone gets ALS they won’t be able to move or swallow. They eventually cannot breathe. And there is no cure. People are video taping themselves getting a bucket of ice water dumped on their head to raise awareness. And they are donating money to help figure out how to stop the disease.

Emma: But why a bucket of ice water?

Me: I don’t know. It’s a challenge maybe? It’s a little crazy, huh?

Kate: Elsa would like it.

Me: Ha! She would.

 

 

Click here to donate to the ALS Association.  – I also nominate everyone that hasn’t dumped a bucket of ice water over your head to donate. I don’t want my kids explaining to their kids what ALS is.

A shout out to my two crazy, talented friends -

Click here to wish Carmen Carver warm thoughts – Carmen Carver Photography and Design.

Click here to watch Justin Liebergen on his YouTube show, Vash and Justin.

Carmen and Justin, you two need to get me out of jail when I get sued by Disney and Idina Menzel for using “Let It Go” in my video. Thanks, friends!

This is how I write.

11 Aug

I want to grab your attention with this sentence.

Then I start my post. As I write, I figure out what the point of the post is. It’s just rambling if there isn’t one. Sometimes I ramble.

I hit enter on my keyboard a lot.

Spaces in between sentences are easier to read. No one wants to read one long, boring paragraph. It’s hard for me to re-read. I assume it’s hard for you to read too because we’re all the same person. Long paragraphs are fine if they are written well – I’m not slamming other writers. 

I don’t think I write that well. I’m just good at spacing.

See?

This is much easier to read.

And faster.

Weee! We’re flying along now!

And, uh, I write exactly how I think. Like, this is so totally the voice in my head right now.

I highlight in italics if I’m making a joke. Is this funny?

Me: And sometimes I write dialogue so I don’t have to keep using quotations marks.

Scott: And this makes you hit the enter button a lot too.

Me: Correct, Scott. It’s much easier to read like this. And stop reading over my shoulder. I can’t think with the pressure.

I hope you are still reading. If not, I least I got a page hit from you. You can’t take that back even if you think my writing sucks.

Thanks for the page hit.

I believe anyone can write like this. All I do is move words from my head to my fingertips. It’s not hard.

But it is hard. One click of the publish button is judgement. It makes me want to pull blankets over my face. It’s my Internet voice – it’s different than my in-person voice. Except the dialogue – that is exactly how Scott and I speak to each other. Scott gets to live with my Internet voice. And he seems to like me. Do you like me? Do you hate me? I shouldn’t care. I need a blanket.

I hope what I write does not bore you. I just sent this post off to my friend to read because I can’t tell if my writing is good anymore. She has no problem telling me I suck. Hi Christine! I’m rambling. I’ll stop.

The ending is the hardest to write. I try to tie it back to the first sentence.

Did I keep your attention?

This is my visual.

This is my visual.

You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling.

8 Aug

Secrets.

I’m not good at them.

I also need help getting clearance for a fly-by over my neighborhood on the evening of October 31st, 2014. The kids will love it.

My Halloween costume is locked and loaded. Our. I mean our Halloween costumes are locked and loaded.

 

Yes

Halloween 2014 – Iceman and Maverick, Top Gun.

 

Scott: "You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're UNSAFE. I don't like you because you're dangerous."

Scott: “You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re UNSAFE. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.”

Me: "That's right. Ice ..... man. I am dangerous."

Me: “That’s right. Ice ….. man. I am dangerous.”

I am dangerous, Scott. I might just chop my hair off.

It was a sign from above.

I drove the family to Scott’s birthday dinner on July 11th. I stopped at a stoplight.

Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins started playing on the radio.

Me: Oh! Top Gun!

Scott: You’re not allowed to mention Top Gun without ever seeing it.

Me: Uh, yes I can.

A motorcycle pulled up and stopped in the lane next to us.

Scott: That must be a sign.

Me: And it’s your birthday. OH MY GOSH, SCOTT. ICEMAN AND MAVERICK!

Scott: Stop acting like you know who those people are.

Me: I know enough that we can pull them off on Halloween! You’re Iceman! And I can be Maverick! BEST COSTUMES EVER! YEAH!!

Scott: (smiles) ok. Yeah, we can do that.

Me: Wait, what? Did you just agree to dress up with me on Halloween?!? Like you’ll voluntarily do this.

Scott: I said yes.

Me: I FEEL THE NEED, THE NEED FOR SPEED! OW! Wait, is that how it goes?

The light turned green. I floored it.

Scott: Stop quoting Top Gun!! You’ve never seen it!!

Me: Fine. I’ll watch it. But you can’t quote the whole way through. That’s annoying.

 

You guys, I finally watched Top Gun. I’m in. The best of the best.

The secret is out. Sorry, ladies – I will not be the volleyball scene Maverick.

top-gun-volleyball-scene

I really suck at volleyball.

 

Do you dress up for Halloween? Do you/your kids know what they want to be for Halloween? Is August too soon to be asking this? Should I chop my hair off?

flyover

I bobbed for apples in the Atlantic ocean.

4 Aug

“How am I going to write about this?”

I asked myself this question a lot.

I want to tell you our Dominican Republic fishing trip was amazing. But I can’t write that. That’s boring. That doesn’t tell you anything.

Our Dominican Republic fishing trip was amazing.

Man versus fish. No, no – man versus a really angry fish. No. Man versus the holy grail of fish in the sea. Man versus marlin.

Or woman versus Taylor Swift fan.

Did you know bobbing for apples on a boat in the Atlantic while listening to Taylor Swift’s Red and tossing chocolate at the captain will get a marlin to bite?

We really did bob for apples.

There’s a Go Pro camera at the bottom of that bucket filming our faces because Brett is hilarious. HILARIOUS.

A 5 day marlin fishing trip in the Dominican Republic. No sightseeing. No laying out on the beach. No overpriced day excursions. No fancy restaurants. No fruity cocktails with an umbrella straw served by a cute Dominican boy.

I mean, let’s call this trip what it really is – it’s a guys trip.

How did my pretty coconuts get permission aboard? Well, men like pretty coconuts. The trick to sneaking on a guys trip is you do not be Taylor Swift. Drama and whining about men will get you thrown overboard. Your red lipstick tube will be flying in right after you. You sit back, grab a beer, enjoy the view and become one of the guys.

That smell wasn't me.

I swear that smell wasn’t me.

There’s a bite.

It’s time.

A reel is thrown in your hands and a fighting belt appears on your waist.

The ocean noise level goes up. The waves grow larger. Weren’t we just gently rocking? What happened to Taylor?

Mother nature is pissed off. A damn fish is trying to pull you into the ocean. The fish wants to drown you.

Pain sears through your arms. They feel like the color red. Seriously, what happened to Taylor? Your knees get slammed against the boat. Then your hips. You tip over. Someone grabs you tight from behind. Another person is holding a camera in your face. Why the hell are we filming now!? There’s yelling from someone but you don’t know who. The only thing you can focus on is the voice and pain.

“Keep reeling! Stop! Let him take the line! Keep your reel tip up! Ok, now use the waves! Reel down with the wave. Pull up as the wave goes up. Reel down, pull up. Good. You’re doing great.”

The captain yells from above,

“We got a jumper! White marlin!”

You look up and see your fish. It clicks. The boat is on your side. The waves are helping you. The boat moans as it backs down on the fish. Water pours over your waist and into the boat. It puddles around your ankles.

whitemarlin

“Move to the left! Quick! Keep the line tight! THERE’S COLOR! Step back and keep the line tight! We’re going to lift him up for a picture. Then we’ll tag and release him. Step back! Step back!”

I turned into a man.

And then I turned into a man.

It was an adrenaline-fueled fishing trip in the Dominican Republic. We caught and released a total of 5 blue marlins and one white marlin. There are not a lot of people from Kansas that can say that, especially women. Marlin fishing versus sitting in the sand – I’ll take marlin fishing. I fish for women everywhere.

Thank you!

To Captain Q! Thank you!

A huge thank you to everyone on the Get Lit – Kitt, Brett, Brent, Kelly and Captain Q – you guys are wild and I love it. We can’t wait for next year!

We also want to thank everyone on the Fish Tank for taking us out for a day – Chris, Justin, and Ben – thank you for shooting Brett in the ass with a paint gun. That superstition worked better than bobbing for apples.

We love a good selfie.

The Get Lit team and Fish Tank team – we love a good selfie.

 

DSC_0415

Ask a cop.

21 Jul

Have you ever wanted to sit down with a cop and ask a ton of questions without fear of getting arrested? Or laughed at?

Oh.

Well, I do.

And I did. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on my couch – not my car or heavy machinery – and fired away.

Go check out my questions to Officer Don at Don of All Trades!

Click here

Click here

 

What questions do you have for a cop? Do you cry to get out of tickets? Do you have an old prom date sitting in prison and need help to find out what happened? Don would totally do that for you. 

 

The big one.

17 Jul

Scott: Do you know how lucky you are be married to me? I take you to places like the Dominican Republic for our 10 year anniversary.

Me: Uh, do you know how lucky you are to be married to me? You have a wife that loves to fish. It’s not even a trip to the Dominican Republic to me. It’s a trip to the Atlantic Ocean.

This is the big one. The big fishing trip. Every fishing trip this year was practice for the Dominican. My confidence is up.  It has to be – I will have professional anglers yelling at me to keep the line tight. I’m expecting it. And I’m going to yell right back at them: I LOVE YOU TOO!  The yelling will be forgiven when we’re smiling for the cameras holding up a 400 pound blue marlin.

I’m totally Instagram’ing that.

They're all going to yell at me.

They’re all going to yell at me.

But it’s another big one. Today is our wedding anniversary. 1 decade. 10 years. 3,652 days of marriage.

3,652 days of marriage doesn’t sound like an important milestone. 1,000 days sounds important. Or maybe 5,000 days. A decade is a milestone and there should be a speech with that. Words from the bride, aged 10 years -

Out of 3,652 days, most days were good. And some days sucked. I have never cooked a turkey on Thanksgiving. I sleep in as late as possible every day. I have been to known to ask Scott to do something repeatedly – you men refer to that as nagging. I suck as a wife sometimes.

I do know that day 3,649 sucked. Scott dragged me to a spinning class with him. I walked out of there convinced he was trying to give me a heart attack or fracture my butt bones.

Day 667 and day 1755 were life-changing days for both of us. But this post isn’t about becoming parents.

Like babies growing up, it’s impossible to see the change in a marriage day to day. If you look at us a decade ago, you’ll see it. We have wrinkles around the eyes when we laugh now. Scott doesn’t wear his wedding ring because he lost it. My hair color is not it’s natural color anymore. We’re going downhill together – holding each other’s wrinkly, paper-thin skin hands.

As a couple, we’re closer. Scott and I were complete opposites when we got married. Our wedding was proof that opposites attracted. Ten years ago, I didn’t know we would have to overcome that. Two opposites may attract but they won’t last in a home when one is squeaky clean and one drags bloody deer into the house. I am not as clean as I used be. I have accepted my forever young teenage son in the home.

We didn’t know babies would leave us emotionally drained at the end of the day. I remember Scott asking for his wife to come back in our sleep deprived days. The babies grew up. Now he has three girls begging for a Disney World “adventure.”

We have mastered the art of fighting. I know exactly what to say to send his blood pressure out the roof. He knows nothing will bother me more than his silent treatments.

But…we always come back to each other, like magnets. Our wedding day did prove that opposites attract.

The beauty of ten years is we know each other more than anyone else. We know what we like on our sandwiches without asking each other. We know each other’s likes and dislikes. They are filed away, never forgotten. Scott knows 3,652 days ago, I would have never agreed to a 5 day fishing trip.

I guess, like fishing, you don’t realize what you have until you fight to get it. Then yell, “I LOVE YOU TOO!”

I love you, Scott. And my marlin will be bigger than your marlin.

wedding

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

14 Jul

Me: Kate, what do you want on your sandwich?

Kate: Uh, turkey. And some of that man stuff.

Emma: (laughing) She said man stuff!

Me: What does that mean?

Emma: She wants mayonnaise, mom!

_______________

I was working in the living room. Kate walks in with a half eaten freeze pop. She stops in front of me and keeps eating it.

Kate: Can I have one of these?

_______________

Kate: Mom! Daddy said YES. He will take us to the pool today.

Me: He did? I’m surprised.

Kate: He always says yes when he’s asleep. You need to ask when he’s asleep.

_______________

Emma: Mom, why do we need toll booths?

Me: It’s just another way of funding the highway. Sometimes you pay with taxes, sometimes you pay when you need to use them.

Kate: One time daddy lost his toll ticket and he just ran through the booth with us! It was SO FUN. We went FAST!

Me: No, he didn’t.

Emma: Uh, yeah he did. The last time he drove us to Wichita, he did that.

Me: WHAT?! (I call Scott and ask)

Scott: Uh, yeah. Well I couldn’t find my ticket and no one was working the toll booth. It was my lucky day!

_______________

Kate: I had a dream daddy was in the bathtub.

_______________

Kate: What does “for real” mean?

_______________

Kate: I have been alive for a lot of days.

_______________

Kate: Emma, you have a spider on your shoulder.

Emma: AH! Get it off!

Kate: Good thing it’s not a monkey.

_______________

Kate: Mommy! Mommy! Come outside!

Me: What? What happened?

Kate: Daddy is eating something gross!

Me: What’s he eating?

Kate: You have to cover your face when you go out there. Cover your mouth and nose.

Me: What’s he eating?

Kate: He’s eating a cigar! It’s so gross!

Emma: He’s smoking a cigar, mom.

Kate: He’s eating it!

_______________

Kate was coloring a picture.

Kate: X-O-X-O Kate.

Me: Where did you learn X-O-X-O?

Kate: No one. I made it up.

_______________

Kate was tickling me.

Kate: Does this tickle?

Me: I’m not very ticklish. No.

Kate: (wets her finger, sticks it in my ear)

Me: Ah! Where did you learn that?

Kate: No one.

_______________

Me: Kate, eat your chicken.

Kate: Uh, there’s an invisible wall in front of you and I can’t hear you.

_______________

Emma: How do you make a whirl pool?

Me: There are jets under the water and it shoots out fast.

Kate: Or Ursula.

_______________

Kate: What time is it?

Me: 10 o’clock.

Kate: So like 2?

_______________

Scott was walking around, holding Kate in the ocean.

Kate: I need to pee.

Scott: Just pee. It’s ok.

Kate: I’m peeing on your leg. You feel it. It’s shooting that way.

_______________

I took Emma to her doctor appointment. We were waiting in the room for the doctor.

Kate: Uh, what kind of doctors have TVs in the room?

_______________

Doctor: Hi Emma! What have you done this summer?

Emma: Just hanging out at friends’ houses every day.

Me: Uh, and she also just got back from the Florida Keys.

_______________

Me: Kate, are you ready to go to kindergarten?

Kate: No.

Me: Why? You’ll be at Emma’s school! That’ll be fun!

Kate: Ugh. MATH.

_______________

Kate was having trouble putting a toy back together.

Kate: I can’t get it! Jesus!

Me: Did you say Jesus? Don’t say Jesus like that.

Kate: Well, that’s what you say when you get mad. Jesus and damnit.

Me: (turn around and mouth) Damnit.

_______________

 

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: That’s a big slide to go down.

Me: I know. I’m going to ride it. Longest in the WORLD.

Kid: You going with your dad?

Me: What.

Kid: You should ride with your dad.

Me: Are you talking about Scott?

Kid: Yeah, Scott.

_______________

Kid: You want to see my precious?

Me: What.

Kid: My precious stick. It broke.

_______________

I was watching a few neighbor kids (male). They wanted to play with a deck of cards. The only deck I had was a deck of the Chiefs Cheerleaders.

Me: You see this card, here? That’s my sister.

Kid 1: Who is that?

Me: My sister.

Kid 1: Looks like Emma.

Me: Yeah, sorta. It’s her aunt.

Kid 2: She’s not wearing a lot of clothes.

Me: It’s their uniform. They just show their tummies. See? They’re all dressed the same way.

Kid 2: Can I go in Emma’s room?

Me: Yes, but she’s at camp. She won’t be up there.

Kid 2: That’s fine. I want to see if she has that uniform.

Me: Wait, what. It’s not Emma!

_______________

Kid: (holding a naked barbie doll) There’s a lot of naked women in this house.

_______________

Kid: Did your dogs come from Petco or your stomach?

_______________

Kid 1: Mom, did you hit a skunk?

Mom: No.

Kid 1: Well it really stinks in here!

Kid 2: Where are we?

Mom: Lawrence.

Kid 2: No wonder it stinks. This is where the yucky ducks live! They must be playing football.

_______________

Kid: Mom, I think my heart is beating! (pause) Yep! It IS! My heart is beating, mom!

Mom: Well, that’s always a good sign.

Kid: I think it’s because I ran up the stairs but also mom LOOK at my big arm muscles!

Mom: Kid, just go to sleep please.

Kid: I’m not going to sleep until you look at my big muscles.

_______________

Kid: But mom, I don’t want to eat the blood up by the crust.

Mom: That’s not blood, kid. Eat your pizza.

Kid: It’s the blood of pizza, mom!

_______________

I drove my 6 year old to Lawrence for lunch to change things up on our way back to Lincoln. We were driving down Massachusetts Street.

Kid: (very serious tone) Mom, are these people from another country?

_______________

Kid: Mom, what is my good finger? I know this one (holds up middle finger) is the bad finger.

_______________

Kid: Does a nutcracker crack nuts?

Mom: Yes.

Kid: Do I have nuts?

_______________

Kid: So mom. I tried swimming with my underwear on under my swimming trunks. Never, never do that. It doesn’t work. Your underwear still gets wet.

_______________

Kid: Mom, did you know that Uncle Todd and Aunt Hannah want to have another baby?

Mom: How do you know that?

Kid: She told me on the trampoline, remember? She said, “stop beating me on the ovaries! Todd and I are not done having babies!” What are ovaries, mom? How do they help make babies?

Mom: Who knows. Your Aunt Hannah is crazy. She always says weird stuff.

_______________

Is your kid hilarious?

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 909 other followers