Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

27 Oct

I was helping Kate with homework before school.

Me: Ok, now you have to draw a picture of yourself wearing a hat that is too big.

IMG_0205

____________

I passed a cemetery in the car.

Kate: Look at all those dead people! Good thing I’m not going in the ground when I die. I’m going to heaven, right mom?

____________

Kate: I know how to spell Royals.

Me: Tell me.

Kate: K and C.

____________

The girls were staying with my in-laws for a few days. I FaceTimed them one evening.

Me: Are you having fun at Nana’s?

Emma: Yeah! We went to the zoo today.

Me: Aw, cute! Let me talk to Kate too.

(Kate’s face shows up)

Kate: Bye mom. (hangs up)

____________

Emma: Mom, would you rather live in a mansion or a castle?

Me: Ooooo! Good question. Umm…I think maybe a castle.

Emma: Why?

Me: Because it would have a lot of history. I think it would be cool to live in a place where lots of people have lived.

Kate: Uh, but probably a lot of spider webs.

____________

I dropped off Kate at school. She gets out of the car and shuts door. She turns to wave at me.

Kate: (yelling through closed window) HEY! I don’t think I shut the door all the way! But I see my friends, bye! Shut the door for me! (Runs off)

____________

Kate: Hey! I like your toes

Me: Thanks! Isn’t that a pretty color?

Kate: Paint mine like that.

Me: I don’t have time right now.

Kate: Well, then don’t make me look at your toes.

____________

Nana: Kate, you need to finish your dinner. I wish I ate as much as you.

Kate: What did you say?

Nana: I said I wish I ate as much as you, I would be so little.

Kate: And cute?

____________

Kate: What happens at Nana’s, stays at Nana’s!

Me: Where did you hear that?

Kate: I made it up.

____________

Me: Kate, go pick up the play room.

Kate: When we go to Nana’s, she cleans for us.

Me: Yeah, well you’re with your mom now. Pick up.

Kate: I love it at Nana’s. When I’m done with a toy and I just drop it. Nana follows me and picks it up for me. I NEVER have to pick up there.

____________

I walked into the grocery store with Kate.

Me: Oh, I don’t need a cart, Kate. I just need two things.

Kate: Oh. I do. (pulls a cart away)

____________

Me: Did you let Jamie take a picture of you?

Kate: No.

Me: Then what is this?

IMG_0264

Kate: Emma dressed up in my clothes. Then she smiled for Jamie.

____________

Kate: I love homework!

Me: That’s good.

Kate: I won’t like it when I’m in Emma’s grade.

____________

Me: Kate, what number do you call in an emergency? If someone is very hurt or if there’s a fire, what number do you call?

Kate: I don’t know.

Me: 9…

Kate: 9-3-2.

Me: No, 9…1…

Kate: 9-1-2.

Me: I’M GOING TO DIE!

Kate: What?

____________

Kate: Ugh, just slice his head off with your sword.

Emma and Kate were playing a game on their iPod.

____________

I parked in front of the dry cleaners. The drop off is designed so you walk up and push the bag through the window.

Me: Stay here, Kate. I’m going to drop off this laundry.

Kate: Um, lock the doors. Don’t let anyone kidnap me.

____________

Kate: Trick or treat! Smell my feet! Give me something good to eat! Or I’m going to pull down your underwear! (Emma and Kate laughs)

Me: Where did you hear that?

(Emma walks out of the room.)

____________

Scott: Bug, will you walk on my back?

Me: No, I don’t like that.

Scott: The girls aren’t heavy enough. Just help me out.

Me: Ugh, ok. (walk on his back) AH! Scott, I hate this!

Kate: Walk on his head!

____________

Me: Kate, go find your iPod.

Kate: I don’t want to go downstairs. I’m scared of thunder.

Me: I thought you brought it up here?

Kate: I faked brought it up here.

____________

Kate: (laying in Scott’s arms) Ugh, what this big bump right here?

Scott: My bicep.

Kate: Oh. That’s too big.

____________

Emma said something funny and I got my phone out to write it down.

Emma: What are you doing?

Me: You said something funny and I wrote it down so I don’t forget.

Emma: Is that when you write about me and Kate on your computer?

Me: Yes.

Emma: I shall act normal now.

____________

Me: Kate, come here and tell me what you want for dinner.

Kate: I don’t want to go anywhere.

Me: No, I’m ordering from Schwans. I don’t like cooking. They bring food to your house so you don’t have to go anywhere or cook.

Kate: Oh. I don’t like the name Schwans.

____________

Me: Kate, you’re going to go home with Charley after school. You’re going to have a playdate at her house.

Kate: I will pack my suitcase.

Me: No, you’re not spending the night. Just playdate.

Kate: I still need a suitcase of toys.

____________

I was volunteering at the school. I could hear Kate inside her classroom while I did some work in the hallway.

Kate: (yelling) Hey look at this turtle’s eggs! Looks like he pooped! (laughs)

____________

Kate is learning about syllables. I was practicing with her.

Me: Let’s do the family names.

Kate: Ben. (clap) One.

Me: Yep.

Kate: Ash-ley. (clap clap) Two.

Me: Good job.

Kate: Ma-ar-ar-ark. (clap clap clap clap) Four.

____________

Special edition: Oh Kids.

We went to the pumpkin patch with another family. I was helping one of the boys find a pumpkin. He tripped and fell in the patch.

Me: Oh no! Are you ok?

Kid: I’m ok. Lots of trippies on this trail.

____________

Kid: I saw what you wrote on my mom’s facebook!

Me: Um…what?

Kid: You told my mom to have fun stomping around with the real wildcats!

Me: But she is! Africa has all kinds of wildcats!

Kid: But she could get eaten!

Me: Your daddy will protect her.

Kid: Yeah, well he got spit on by a cobra today.

____________

Kid: Mommy, I love you.

Mom: I love you more.

Kid: Yeah, probably.

____________

Kid: (hand on hip) Um, your son is not being very proactive.

Mom: What happened?

Kid: He said stupid. (stomps and walks off)

____________

Kid: Hey mom, when dad picks his nose how come he doesn’t eat it?

____________

Kid: Hey mom, is there a movie theatre where you don’t have to wear clothes?

____________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

Top Gun pumpkins.

24 Oct

October 23rd.

It’s the time of year Scott yells at me for carving the pumpkins too early.

Scott has no idea what it’s like to be me in October. Scott sees a bunch of pumpkins on our porch. He might let the kids throw some camo paint on them. He may even look at them as food.

I see blank canvases every time I pull into the driveway. It’s torture. Not to sound psychotic, but to totally sound psychotic because it is the season, I stood in my kitchen with a knife imaging myself taking that first stab. I am an artist. I couldn’t hold it any longer. I felt like Michelangelo the first time he saw the Sistine Chapel.

Michelangelo is smiling down on that Top Gun, Ice Man volleyball scene pumpkin. We all are, Mike.

 

IMG_0406

 

 

It was the first time I “skinned” a pumpkin to make facial features. Ice Man, you look so different in the light.

FullSizeRender

Whoa – Maverick has boobs this year.

 Have you carved your pumpkins yet? What do you carve? Would you like a hand? Don’t mind my throbbing and bleeding thumb – it is the season.

Another ebola post.

20 Oct

I’m a big believer in “if it’s my time to die, it’s my time to die.”

If my plane goes down, I guess I’ll go holding hands with a stranger.

If I get whacked in the head with a foul ball because I was paying more attention to my nachos, well, at least my last meal was beer and nachos.

If I get ebola, they’ll still let me have my laptop in the hospital room, right? I can live tweet my own death.

Ebola. Yes, it’s scary. No, I’m not worried about catching it.

Just like I wasn’t worried about the bird flu, swine flu or H1N1. Are any of those the same thing? I will say I was rooting for Y2K to blow up the computers. I was a senior in high school and wanted out early.

But I do worry.

There are worse things to worry about in life than ebola:

  • Cracking a tooth on frozen Halloween candy because I have no damn self control.
  • San Francisco Giants fans.
Losing my Oklahoma friend, Carmen, after KSU beat Oklahoma this weekend.

Losing my Oklahoma friend, Carmen, after KSU beat Oklahoma this weekend.

  • Being 2.5 years away from re-living middle school.
  • Scott leaving his family for a tree stand when his daughters start wearing bras.
  • Wrinkles and saggy boobs.
Scott baking with the kids in the kitchen.

Scott baking with the kids in the kitchen.

  • Facebook, in general.
Having nights like this.

Having nights that end like this.

  • “Mom, will you check my butt to see if I wiped good?”
"Hey Emma, take a picture next to the camera guy and tell Nana that you're helping film the Royals!"

“Hey Emma, take a picture next to the camera guy and tell Nana you’re helping film the Royals!”

Really dude?

People not doing their job.

  • Never having the amount of money Pinterest thinks I have.
Avoiding eye contact while using this machine at the gym.

Avoiding eye contact while using this machine at the gym.

  • Wondering if my blog is shit.
  • Wondering if I am shit.
3rd grade math. I don't get it.

3rd grade math – I don’t get it.

On a scale of 1 - 10, how likely is Scott going to murder me for sneaking this picture of a child ghost into his trail cam picture files?

Wondering how likely Scott is going to murder me for sneaking this picture of a child ghost into his trail cam picture files?

  • Waking up to an Oklahoma flag flying on my house.
  • Having matches on hand.
Getting caught stalking this guy so I could get a good picture to send my friends with caption - "my vag hurts."

Getting caught stalking this guy so I could get a picture to send my friends with caption – “my vag hurts. LOL.”

  • Wondering if my friends traveling back from South Africa will understand our concern when they come home to a plastic-wrapped house with caution tape all over. QUARANTINED.

 

Are you worried about ebola? Did you worry about other mass epidemics? What do you worry about for no good reason? 

ebola

The selfish post.

13 Oct

I was left with a mind-boggling question. I still don’t know the answer to it.

It is confirmed that I’m the lamest person on earth.

This question was brought to Scott and me by our good friends, Danny and Christine.

Danny and Christine are somewhere over the Atlantic right now. They have 15 hours left on a plane since their last text message was sent to us around dinner time.

This picture will post before they even land. I hope I have their permission.

This picture will post Monday morning before they even land. I hope I have their permission.

 

They are flying to Johannesburg, South Africa. They are going on an African hunt trip. I told you we are good friends. What’s that saying? Birds of feather, flock together? Yeah, Scott wishes he was flocking with them on their 18 hour flight right now. Danny has his eyes on a baboon. Christine has her eyes on…well, I don’t know what Christine is doing there but I hope she takes a selfie with a lion.

One of our last conversations before they left -

“What would you do if you won the lottery? Not a few thousand dollars, but billions. Let’s say money is no longer a worry for you. You set aside money for the kids to live well. You set aside money for your families. How would you spoil yourself?”

I gave them a blank look.

Me: Oh. Um. Well, I have a laptop to write. I have books to read. I don’t have any other hobbies. Oh my gosh, who am I? Maybe start a publishing company?

Danny: You need a publisher? I know one.

Me: Oh! What? Well, really? That still doesn’t answer the question. Ummm…

I’ve been racking my brain. Am I human? Am I boring? Am I happy? Let me tell you, there has been some soul searching going on this weekend. I asked Scott again. Maybe he will find my answer.

Me: What did you say to Christine and Danny’s question? Buy hunting land?

Scott: I would buy hunting land in Kansas or Iowa as an investment.

Me: Investment?

Scott: And hunting purposes.

Me: If money didn’t matter, why would you need the investment?

Scott: The statistics show most lotto winners go bankrupt. I would have to prepare for that and make an investment. I would also buy you a house in the Keys.

Me: No, buying me a house is not a selfish reason. I’m talking about YOU. How would you spend money on just you.

Scott: Oh, ok. Hold on. Let me think…

Me: Really?

Scott: What? Is this a trick question?

Me: Nope. Go ahead.

Scott: I would start my own business of some sort.

Me: Money doesn’t matter! You would go back to work?

Scott: I would get bored. Maybe I would open a sports bar in Aggieville.

Me: Do you want your daughters going to K-State when their dad owns a bar in Aggieville?

Scott: Hm, yeah that might end bad. I would get a new truck, all jacked up. I know! I would make a sick hunting lodge for all my friends to use. I would build one in Kansas, Iowa, Florida, New Mexico. I would buy up elk tags too.

Me: (rolling my eyes)

Scott: This is a trick question. What do you want me to get you?

Me: I don’t know!  That’s what I’m trying to think of. Fishing boat?

Scott: Our friends have those. Why buy our own?

Me: To have our own crew? Hire a captain.

Scott: Nah, we can just bum off our friends.

Me: Hm. I’m out of ideas for me.

Scott: I would also get a motorcycle. And a boat.

Me: I just asked you if you would buy a boat!

Scott: No, like a lake fishing boat.

Me: Oh. Fresh water? Really? I’ll go fish in the Dominican with our friends while you sit on a lake in Kansas.

Scott: My house would have a 4 car garage and a tandem garage to the side.

Me: Whoa! You are just radiating testosterone right now, I think I’m growing a penis just sitting next to you.

Scott: I’d like to be a farmer.

Me: You mean to tell me if you were a billionaire, you would purchase land so you can farm it?

Scott: (laughing) You know, just have fun with a tractor on farm land.

Me: What? You would be a pretend farmer?

Scott: (laughing) This is a hard question!

Me: Well, I don’t know. You have quite the man-list here.

Scott: I told you! I would buy you a house in the Keys for you and all your girlfriends to hang out.

Me: Yeah, a house in the Keys would be cool but apparently I am already getting that from you. I would need a boat to fish from, nothing fancy. What is wrong with me? I don’t know how to spoil myself? I hate shopping. I do like to travel but buying a private jet is out because if a jet is going down, it’s always the small private jets. Nope.

Scott: You have serious problems.

Me: Wait, I got it! I would buy tickets to the Super Bowl every year. And every K-State game. College Football Championship tickets. Oh! And the World Series! There! There’s my answer – front row seats to every major sporting event. That’s how I would spoil myself. That’s a good answer, right? We would have fun!

Scott: You do know the Royals won’t play in every World Series.

Me: Yes, I know that, Scott. But I would still wear my Royals gear.

Scott: And my wife grew a penis.

Me: Take a selfie with a lion?

Scott: Oh, she’s back.

 

Your turn! How would you spoil yourself if you won billions of dollars? Be selfish. What are your hobbies? Would you still invest money if you didn’t have to worry about money anymore? If you had to fish with one of us – would you pick marlin fishing with me or bass fishing with Scott? 

lion

1985.

7 Oct

Scott: Wake up! Why do you keep falling asleep!

Me: Huh. What. Did they win?

Scott: IT’S GONE. IT’S GONE! BALL GAME.

Me: What happened.

Scott: Royals won. Go back to sleep.

Me: Ok, good. Good night.

 

1985.

Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” was released.

Back to the Future was showing in theaters.

Growing Pains and The Golden Girls made their TV debut.

Microsoft introduced Windows 1.0.

The Nintendo Entertainment System appeared on shelves in the U.S.

The Titanic was found on the bottom of the Atlantic.

My mom was pregnant with my brother.

I was 4 years old.

My sister had a case of the terrible twos.

My other sister didn’t exist. She was like the picture of Marty McFly’s sister on Back to the Future.

1985 was the last year the Kansas City Royals were in the playoffs.

In 1985, the Kansas City Royals won the World Series. They defeated the St. Louis Cardinals.

I don’t remember any of it.

Childhood amnesia blocked out the years 1981-1985. The only thing I remember about my life is in photographs. I don’t remember feeling my mom’s stomach kick. I don’t remember my sister’s terrible two meltdowns. I don’t remember moving into a new house that year. I don’t remember standing in a crowd of legs at the Royals World Series parade in Kansas City. I don’t remember blue confetti falling in my dark hair. I don’t remember.

But if I open the window on a cool fall night and turn the baseball announcers’ voices on low volume, I can relax. If I lay my head in a lap and that person runs their fingers through my hair – I will fall asleep. It’s like a drug.

The only thing missing is the pregnant belly near my head but everything else is the same.

That I do remember.

 

Are you just as shocked that the Kansas City Royals are in the playoffs? Do you think they will make it to the World Series? What is one of your earliest childhood memories involving professional sports? Does anyone have Royals tickets Scott and I can buy from you? I promise I won’t fall asleep at a live game.

royals

 

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

29 Sep

Kate: What does the inside of your butt look like?

_____________

In the car.

Emma: Can I have your phone?

Me: No, I need it for directions.

Kate: But we’re bored.

Me: Look outside! Look at all the sunflowers over there.

Kate: Ugh. That’s boring.

_____________

Kate: I drew you, mommy!

Me: You did? Let me see.

Kate: You got those big boobies.

Kate: You got those big boobies.

_____________

I was picking up toilet paper scraps off the floor in the bathroom. Kate walks in.

Kate: HA! You’re touching my poop.

_____________

Kate: What is your favorite kind of baby?

Me: I don’t understand your question.

Kate: Like mine is myself.

_____________

Kate: Look at the bird outside!

Me: Hold on for a second. I’m finishing up some work. What color is it?

Kate: Uh, NOT a boy.

_____________

I was getting out my Halloween decorations.

Kate: Hey, can I go play with that dead man over there?

Me: (laughing) Yeah.

Kate: His bones feel like real dead bones.

_____________

Kate brings me a thermometer.

Kate: Check to see how I’m feeling today.

_____________

Me: Hey Kate, will you bring me my phone?

Kate: No. I’m playing with it.

Me: Real quick then I’ll give it back to you.

Kate: Ugh. Fine. Text Christine something then give me your phone back.

_____________

We took care of our neighbor’s dog for a weekend. His name is Jack. Jack and Kate walked into my closet as I was getting dressed.

Me: Hey Kate.

Kate: Uh, Jack is looking at you naked.

Me: Dogs don’t care about seeing anyone naked.

Kate: Maybe dogs laugh in their head.

_____________

Scott was leaving for work. I woke up to him giving me a kiss on the lips. Kate sits up in our bed. (I didn’t know she climbed in bed with me)

Kate: SICK.

_____________

Scott: Would you rather… smell the world’s stinkiest fart or go to school one hour earlier every day?

Emma: Depends whose fart.

_____________

I was reading Kate’s midterm.

Me: WHAT? Kate! You can’t count to 20?

Kate: …..

Me: Let’s count to 20. 1…2…3

Kate: 1. And I just want to count to 1.

_____________

Kate: What if someone peed their pants? That would be bad, right?

Me: Well, they would have to change their underwear.

Kate: Yeah. And their splatter.

Me: (look at her)

Kate: (eyes get big)

_____________

Me: KATE! Where are you?

Kate: I’m in the bathroom! I’m taking a long time because I have my iPod with me like you do!

_____________

Kate: Did K-State win last night?

Me: No.

Kate: UGHHHHHH.

_____________

I cleaned the girls bathroom.

Me: There. Done. Now keep it clean, ok?

Kate: You mean, instead of dirty?

_____________

I was helping Kate write out a sentence for homework.

Me: And then you add a period at the end. It’s a dot.

Kate: I know. It means stop talking.

_____________

Me: What specials did you have at school today?

Kate: Uh, the one where everyone starts talking in Spanish. I don’t like that one. I don’t understand what’s going on.

_____________

Scott: Tomorrow is Saturday! Time to relax, girls!

Kate: Uh, that’s boring.

_____________

Me: Go to bed, Kate. You look tired.

Kate: I’m not tired.

Me: Your eyes are all red!

Kate: I’m just mad at daddy.

_____________

Kate had a friend over. Kate was showing her friend pictures of herself when she was a baby.

Friend: You look like a boy!

Kate: Uh, I am NOT a boy.

_____________

Special Edition: Oh Kids.

 

Kid: (yelling from a bathroom) MOM! Can you come here? And bring a plastic bag!

_____________

Mom: What did you learn at church tonight?

Kid: Nothing.

Mom: Nothing?!

Kid: Well it’s just the same stuff. Jesus and whatever.

_____________

Kid: Did it look gross in your tummy when I was growing in there?

_____________

Kid: Mom, is ass end a real thing?

Mom: Asset? Sure, that’s a real word.

Kid: No. ASS END. Is ASS end a real thing?

Mom: Well, where did you hear this word?

Kid: You know, the ring-a-round-a-rosy song.

Mom: OH! ASHES!

_____________

Mom: Watch the TV. The K-State game is starting.

The K-State preshow of a train going through Manhattan appears on the TV.

Mom: You’re going to go to school there one day!

Kid: Am I going to get there by a train?

_____________

Kid (playing on the floor with toys): Mom. Sometimes I think I’m a genius.

_____________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

The more you know.

24 Sep

This isn’t a planned post.

I love it when life sends me a blog-worthy jewel to share.

You guys, I cannot even make this up.

Scott and I lead separate lives during the fall. He hunts. And I mindlessly escape from life on Pinterest: the humor section. It’s the land of my people.

A pin goes through my feed. Pinned by my friend, Carmen -

...

Hmm. I don’t get it. I should ask Carmen what this means. 

Comment by Amanda: Bahahaha. That’s hilarious.

Comment by Carmen: I know, right?! Can’t stop laughing.

Doesn’t matter, had sex. Doesn’t matter. Had sex. How is this funny? Well, now I have to ask. 

Comment by me: I don’t get it? Am I dumb?

Comment by Carmen: She bit his head off … that’s what a female praying mantis does after or during sex … typical male … “doesn’t matter. Had sex.”

Comment by me: Ohhhhh! Ok, I get it now. I didn’t know the females did that. Hahahaha.

 

———

12 hours later.

Text message from Scott:

I got bit by this.

I just got bit by this.

 

Welcome back to Bug Bytes, Scott.

 

nbc_the_more_you_know

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