The forbidden post.

25 Aug

This is the post Scott told me I couldn’t post when I wanted to post it.

Our conversation back in June:

Scott: You can’t write on your blog when we’ll be out of town. We could get robbed.

Me: But that’s the whole point of the post. What would they take? We have nothing.

Scott: Post it to your private social media accounts.

Me: Huh? What is a private social media account? It’s a public blog.

Scott: I will divorce you if you post this post tomorrow. Post your robber post after we get back.

We’re back! We are ready to fight off intruders with barking dogs, screams and Scott scrambling to get his AR out of the locked safe in the basement.

Scott and the grandparents of Facebook are right – posting on social media when you are out of town will make it easier for intruders to enter your home without getting caught.

But do the intruders know what to expect?

Dear Intruder:

Scott and I are out of town fishing again. You know this because I posted a picture of myself holding a fish that you will not find in Kansas. I hope you are smart enough to realize we spend all of our money on plane tickets.

I let our neighbors know when we’re out of town. You’re being watched.

Whoops! Did you get dog poop on your shoe while crossing our yard? I meant to pick that up before we left.

Our neighbors are laughing at you from their windows.

I’m giving you a warning because I don’t want to see anyone die, even lowlifes like yourself -

we have a rattlesnake problem in our neighborhood.

– we have a rattlesnake problem in our neighborhood.

Congratulations! You got in! The security alarm is going off. Better go fast. What’s first on your list? Small electronic devices with an apple logo on them? Nope, we have all of those with us. They’re entertaining our kids so Scott and I don’t have to.

We also have our iPhones, laptops, cameras and Go Pros. That fish won’t appear on social media by itself.

What else is a hot item? Jewelry to pawn? Master bathroom. I have a small collection of Charming Charlie’s jewelry from the clearance rack. I love a good deal. The only piece of jewelry of any value is on my finger. And I hope it’s not attracting barracudas while I float in the ocean with a beer in hand.

You’re kinda like a barracuda yourself. I catch barracudas, chop them up and use them as bait when I fish.

Scott did lose his wedding ring. If you can find that, it’s all yours, man. We spent weeks looking for it. It’s already gone in our minds. Can you leave me a note on where you found it? I would be curious.

What’s next? Master closet. Look around – I am missing the female gene. I don’t have a shoe fetish. I don’t even like to shop. I believe money should be spent at Target and vacations. My shelves are filled with workout clothes because I don’t believe in working out on vacation either.

You can browse Scott’s designer suits and shirts. He dresses well. But you will have to move his tick-infested, poison-ivy-covered hunt clothes to get to them. I gave up on trying to organize his side of the closet years ago. I break out in a rash. You never know what will appear on Scott’s side of the closet.

This was Scott uniform for the ice bucket challenge.

A speedo. Yes. This was Scott’s uniform for the ice bucket challenge.

Hey! Get out of the bedside drawer, you perv! Everyone knows that’s off limits.

Ok, I’m just going to say it out loud – WHAT is that smell? It’s worse than dog poop. Oh, those kids. One of them forgot to flush the toilet before we left. Scott will be cleaning that when we get back because the kids get their absentmindedness from him.

Kid room. Nothing.

Another kid room. Nothing.

Is the alarm annoying you yet?

Guest room. No, not a guest room. It’s a play room. A play room where a bomb exploded pink glitter and naked barbies. The girls left tacks and staples on the floor to keep me from entering and throwing out old toys because they’re geniuses. You probably won’t notice the tacks because you are wearing shoes. Shoes with dog poop still caked to the bottom. Please – take the toys. Take it all.

Now what? Art on the walls? Decorative pieces in the house? Nope. I told you – I am missing the female gene. The house isn’t even clean because I spent my time typing this letter to you.

That alarm must be warping your brain. The cops are on their way. The neighbors have rolled out their lawn chairs and a bowl of popcorn. They hear sirens. It’s about to get good in the ‘hood.

Run to the basement! Ah, the final resting place for Scott’s trophy mounts. The deer are staring at you. The alligator head is a warning. The sailfish cries tears of saltwater. There’s a  bobcat on the wall. A wildcat. Scott is a K-State Wildcat alum. A Wildcat shot a wildcat. Get out. Get out, now. You can’t get to the guns. They are locked up. Only Scott knows the code. You don’t want this man mad at you.

That large TV in the corner looks nice. It’s a tube, dude. They still make those. We won’t give it up until it blows up.

Make your way to the bar. Do you want to take some beer to your lowlife friends? You better grab a frosty mug because the only beer we have is on tap.

Don’t touch the whiskey. You don’t want this woman mad at you either. You’ve already tracked dog poop all over my house and I’m annoyed at the fact that I’ll have to scrub like Cinderella when I get home.

Here come the cops.

Wave to the neighbors.

Don’t forget your bag of toys.

forbidden

Are you concerned when people post they are out of town on social media? What precautions do you take before you leave your house? Are you missing the female gene too? Does your husband wear speedos?

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

20 Aug

Me: Kate, you need to wear socks if you’re going to wear tennis shoes today.

Kate: No, but thank you for asking.

____________

Kate: Have you ever eaten a cigar?

____________

Kate: Daddy shouldn’t shoot a deer. They are nice. And he is mean.

Emma: Uh, Kate that was rude. You know I hunt.

____________

Kate: When I grow up, I will never cut strawberries. I might cut my finger off.

____________

Emma: A lot of kids in my class are K-State fans, mom! And my teacher too!

Kate: Well, who’s NOT a K-State fan, Emma? You need to talk to those kids and make them like K-State.

____________

Kate: Can I get my ears pierced tomorrow?

Me: Who are you talking to?

Kate: Myself.

Me: Who told you that? Are you talking to your Aunt JJ on Facetime?

Kate: No. I’m not talking to JJ. I told myself – I’m getting my ears pierced tomorrow.

____________

Kate: Hey dad. Remember your blue truck?

Scott: Yeah.

Kate: Oh, I was just thinking about the color blue and I thought of your old truck.

____________

Kate: My favorite story daddy tells me is when he dresses in pink dresses.

____________

Kate: So, like, what day do tornados come?

____________

Kate: Guess what me, Emma and Elle did? We played in the TOILET WATER! (falls to floor, laughing)

____________

Scott: (putting Kate to bed) You know I’ll always protect you, right?

Kate: You protect me from the bad guys?

Scott: Yep.

Kate: Will you cut their neck off?

Scott: Uhhhhh

Kate: Like the top of a strawberry.

____________

Emma and I were reading a book on weird but true outrageous facts.

Emma: (reading out loud) A large python can swallow a goat whole. (pauses) What is a goat hole?

____________

Kate: Mom.

Me: Yep.

Kate: I have a question for you.

Me: Yes…

Kate: Has daddy seen you naked?

____________

The girls were taking a bath.

Kate: Emma has curly hair. Is my hair curly or straight?

Me: It’s straight.

Emma: It’s not curly or straight. It’s just crazy, Kate.

____________

We took the girls to a KC Royals game with some friends. We were watching the game.

Kate: When are the Royals going to throw to K-State?

____________

The crowd was chanting “Let’s-go-Roy-als” (Clap clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.)

Kate: (shouting) I-don’t-love-you! (Clap clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.)

____________

We left the Royals game. We told the girls and their friends to hold hands.

Tanner: Kate, can I hold your hand?

Kate: No. You’re a boy.

Me: Kate. Hold his hand. There are lots of people.

Tanner: I’ll just walk next to her.

Kate: Walk behind me.

____________

(In the car, on the way home from the Royals game)

Kate: Mommy!

Me: (silent)

Scott: Mommy is not listening to you. She’s on the Internet.

Kate: Rude.

Me: Uh, you are rude. You need to hold Tanner’s hand in crowds. It doesn’t matter if he’s a boy.

Kate: Uh, being on the Internet and not listening to daddy is ruder.

____________

Me: Emma, go feed the dogs.

Emma: Do I look like Scott to you?

____________

Kate: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot! I won.

Me: Dangit.

Kate: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Gimme a hug! Haaaaa!

____________

Our friend, Casey, was visiting. Kate pulls out a snap bracelet. She snaps it on his wrist.

Kate: You’re arrested for being cute.

____________

Me: Ah! This bug bite in my belly button is killing me.

Emma: I have one on my butt.

Kate: Inside or outside?

____________

Kate: What bit you?

Emma: It was probably a mosquito.

Kate: Or a cockroach.

____________

Kate: How do pigs make bacon?

____________

Emma: Mom, can I have a gatorade?

Me: Yeah, that’s fine.

Kate: Mom, can I have nothing?

____________

Kate: When it’s cold out, it’s really warm.

Me: Huh?

Emma: Mom, she’s pretending to be Elsa from Frozen. She changes into Elsa all the time.

____________

Kate: What’s your favorite color in the ocean?

____________

Me: Don’t do that.

Kate: Do what?

Me: You’re blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk.

Kate: But I’m talking to it.

____________

Kate walks in my bathroom. She pulls at the skin on her chest.

Kate: These are going to get bigger, right mom?

____________

My two-year-old niece, Gabby, was swimming in the pool and shooting her water gun. I walked by.

Gabby: I shoot your wiener off, Juwee.

____________

 

Special Edition: Oh kids.

 Kid: I can’t brush my teeth. There’s mold on my toothbrush.

Me: No, there’s not. Is there really?

Kids: (smiles with her head down) It’s white!

Me: It’s dried toothpaste!

____________

Me: (watching a baseball game) Hey kid, are you going to play baseball when you’re older?

Kid: No.

Me: What about soccer?

Kid: No.

Me: Football?

Kid: No. I don’t like sports.

Me: Oh. That’s cool. What do you think you’ll be when you’re older?

Kid: A hard workin’ man.

____________

Kid: I’m a princess but I know how to fight.

____________

Kid: Are you older than 63,543,876?

____________

Kid: What is tonsil hockey?

____________

A child’s 8th birthday.

Parent: What do you want to do for your birthday?

Kid: Go skydiving!

____________

A mom and dad were playing Halo and their boys were watching.

Kid 1: Kill mommy!

Kid 2: Not mommy, shoot daddy!

____________

A brother and sister were filling out school forms. They didn’t understand what “Sex: M   F” meant. The brother circled M and the sister circled F.

Brother: We figured it out, mom. M stands for Medium sexy and F stands for Full sexy.

____________

Is your kid hilarious?

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

The cold never bothered me anyway.

18 Aug

Emma: Mommy, why are we dumping a bucket of water on your head after school?

Me: Well, people want to help fight a disease called ALS.

Emma: What is ALS?

Me: Here, let’s look it up. Ok. It’s a disease. It starts in the brain and it attacks the muscles. If someone gets ALS they won’t be able to move or swallow. They eventually cannot breathe. And there is no cure. People are video taping themselves getting a bucket of ice water dumped on their head to raise awareness. And they are donating money to help figure out how to stop the disease.

Emma: But why a bucket of ice water?

Me: I don’t know. It’s a challenge maybe? It’s a little crazy, huh?

Kate: Elsa would like it.

Me: Ha! She would.

 

 

A shout out to my two crazy, talented friends -

Click here to wish Carmen Carver warm thoughts – Carmen Carver Photography and Design.

Click here to watch Justin Liebergen on his YouTube show, Vash and Justin.

Click here to donate to the ALS Association.  – I also nominate everyone that hasn’t dumped a bucket of ice water over your head to donate. I don’t want our kids explaining to their kids what ALS is.

This is how I write.

11 Aug

I want to grab your attention with this sentence.

Then I start my post. As I write, I figure out what the point of the post is. It’s just rambling if there isn’t one. Sometimes I ramble.

I hit enter on my keyboard a lot.

Spaces in between sentences are easier to read. No one wants to read one long, boring paragraph. It’s hard for me to re-read. I assume it’s hard for you to read too because we’re all the same person. Long paragraphs are fine if they are written well – I’m not slamming other writers. 

I don’t think I write that well. I’m just good at spacing.

See?

This is much easier to read.

And faster.

Weee! We’re flying along now!

And, uh, I write exactly how I think. Like, this is so totally the voice in my head right now.

I highlight in italics if I’m making a joke. Is this funny?

Me: And sometimes I write dialogue so I don’t have to keep using quotations marks.

Scott: And this makes you hit the enter button a lot too.

Me: Correct, Scott. It’s much easier to read like this. And stop reading over my shoulder. I can’t think with the pressure.

I hope you are still reading. If not, I least I got a page hit from you. You can’t take that back even if you think my writing sucks.

Thanks for the page hit.

I believe anyone can write like this. All I do is move words from my head to my fingertips. It’s not hard.

But it is hard. One click of the publish button is judgement. It makes me want to pull blankets over my face. It’s my Internet voice – it’s different than my in-person voice. Except the dialogue – that is exactly how Scott and I speak to each other. Scott gets to live with my Internet voice. And he seems to like me. Do you like me? Do you hate me? I shouldn’t care. I need a blanket.

I hope what I write does not bore you. I just sent this post off to my friend to read because I can’t tell if my writing is good anymore. She has no problem telling me I suck. Hi Christine! I’m rambling. I’ll stop.

The ending is the hardest to write. I try to tie it back to the first sentence.

Did I keep your attention?

This is my visual.

This is my visual.

You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling.

8 Aug

Secrets.

I’m not good at them.

I also need help getting clearance for a fly-by over my neighborhood on the evening of October 31st, 2014. The kids will love it.

My Halloween costume is locked and loaded. Our. I mean our Halloween costumes are locked and loaded.

 

Yes

Halloween 2014 – Iceman and Maverick, Top Gun.

 

Scott: "You're everyone's problem. That's because every time you go up in the air, you're UNSAFE. I don't like you because you're dangerous."

Scott: “You’re everyone’s problem. That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re UNSAFE. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.”

Me: "That's right. Ice ..... man. I am dangerous."

Me: “That’s right. Ice ….. man. I am dangerous.”

I am dangerous, Scott. I might just chop my hair off.

It was a sign from above.

I drove the family to Scott’s birthday dinner on July 11th. I stopped at a stoplight.

Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins started playing on the radio.

Me: Oh! Top Gun!

Scott: You’re not allowed to mention Top Gun without ever seeing it.

Me: Uh, yes I can.

A motorcycle pulled up and stopped in the lane next to us.

Scott: That must be a sign.

Me: And it’s your birthday. OH MY GOSH, SCOTT. ICEMAN AND MAVERICK!

Scott: Stop acting like you know who those people are.

Me: I know enough that we can pull them off on Halloween! You’re Iceman! And I can be Maverick! BEST COSTUMES EVER! YEAH!!

Scott: (smiles) ok. Yeah, we can do that.

Me: Wait, what? Did you just agree to dress up with me on Halloween?!? Like you’ll voluntarily do this.

Scott: I said yes.

Me: I FEEL THE NEED, THE NEED FOR SPEED! OW! Wait, is that how it goes?

The light turned green. I floored it.

Scott: Stop quoting Top Gun!! You’ve never seen it!!

Me: Fine. I’ll watch it. But you can’t quote the whole way through. That’s annoying.

 

You guys, I finally watched Top Gun. I’m in. The best of the best.

The secret is out. Sorry, ladies – I will not be the volleyball scene Maverick.

top-gun-volleyball-scene

I really suck at volleyball.

 

Do you dress up for Halloween? Do you/your kids know what they want to be for Halloween? Is August too soon to be asking this? Should I chop my hair off?

flyover

I bobbed for apples in the Atlantic ocean.

4 Aug

“How am I going to write about this?”

I asked myself this question a lot.

I want to tell you our Dominican Republic fishing trip was amazing. But I can’t write that. That’s boring. That doesn’t tell you anything.

Our Dominican Republic fishing trip was amazing.

Man versus fish. No, no – man versus a really angry fish. No. Man versus the holy grail of fish in the sea. Man versus marlin.

Or woman versus Taylor Swift fan.

Did you know bobbing for apples on a boat in the Atlantic while listening to Taylor Swift’s Red and tossing chocolate at the captain will get a marlin to bite?

We really did bob for apples.

There’s a Go Pro camera at the bottom of that bucket filming our faces because Brett is hilarious. HILARIOUS.

A 5 day marlin fishing trip in the Dominican Republic. No sightseeing. No laying out on the beach. No overpriced day excursions. No fancy restaurants. No fruity cocktails with an umbrella straw served by a cute Dominican boy.

I mean, let’s call this trip what it really is – it’s a guys trip.

How did my pretty coconuts get permission aboard? Well, men like pretty coconuts. The trick to sneaking on a guys trip is you do not be Taylor Swift. Drama and whining about men will get you thrown overboard. Your red lipstick tube will be flying in right after you. You sit back, grab a beer, enjoy the view and become one of the guys.

That smell wasn't me.

I swear that smell wasn’t me.

There’s a bite.

It’s time.

A reel is thrown in your hands and a fighting belt appears on your waist.

The ocean noise level goes up. The waves grow larger. Weren’t we just gently rocking? What happened to Taylor?

Mother nature is pissed off. A damn fish is trying to pull you into the ocean. The fish wants to drown you.

Pain sears through your arms. They feel like the color red. Seriously, what happened to Taylor? Your knees get slammed against the boat. Then your hips. You tip over. Someone grabs you tight from behind. Another person is holding a camera in your face. Why the hell are we filming now!? There’s yelling from someone but you don’t know who. The only thing you can focus on is the voice and pain.

“Keep reeling! Stop! Let him take the line! Keep your reel tip up! Ok, now use the waves! Reel down with the wave. Pull up as the wave goes up. Reel down, pull up. Good. You’re doing great.”

The captain yells from above,

“We got a jumper! White marlin!”

You look up and see your fish. It clicks. The boat is on your side. The waves are helping you. The boat moans as it backs down on the fish. Water pours over your waist and into the boat. It puddles around your ankles.

whitemarlin

“Move to the left! Quick! Keep the line tight! THERE’S COLOR! Step back and keep the line tight! We’re going to lift him up for a picture. Then we’ll tag and release him. Step back! Step back!”

I turned into a man.

And then I turned into a man.

It was an adrenaline-fueled fishing trip in the Dominican Republic. We caught and released a total of 5 blue marlins and one white marlin. There are not a lot of people from Kansas that can say that, especially women. Marlin fishing versus sitting in the sand – I’ll take marlin fishing. I fish for women everywhere.

Thank you!

To Captain Q! Thank you!

A huge thank you to everyone on the Get Lit – Kitt, Brett, Brent, Kelly and Captain Q – you guys are wild and I love it. We can’t wait for next year!

We also want to thank everyone on the Fish Tank for taking us out for a day – Chris, Justin, and Ben – thank you for shooting Brett in the ass with a paint gun. That superstition worked better than bobbing for apples.

We love a good selfie.

The Get Lit team and Fish Tank team – we love a good selfie.

 

DSC_0415

Ask a cop.

21 Jul

Have you ever wanted to sit down with a cop and ask a ton of questions without fear of getting arrested? Or laughed at?

Oh.

Well, I do.

And I did. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on my couch – not my car or heavy machinery – and fired away.

Go check out my questions to Officer Don at Don of All Trades!

Click here

Click here

 

What questions do you have for a cop? Do you cry to get out of tickets? Do you have an old prom date sitting in prison and need help to find out what happened? Don would totally do that for you. 

 

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