braces

Say cheese.

It was a last second decision, really.

Or maybe it was a decision I made in my head years ago.

braces

I took Emma in for an orthodontic consultation and I walked out with bottom braces for the next ten months.

I don’t know what happened. I was sitting there, talking to the orthodontist about Emma’s smile. I said I wish I wore my retainer. One x-ray and a quick quote later – BOOM.

I picked a seat in between two middle schoolers and started to decline. Right there, a 33-year-old public service announcement: wear your retainers, kids. And worse, my own kids took video on my phone. I had a laughing audience.

I sent a picture text to Scott when I was done. My phone rang.

Me: Hello?

Scott: Please tell me this text is photoshopped. What the hell did you do?! I thought you were taking Emma in!

Me: Well….it’s all because of one tooth, really.

Scott: This is real? You have braces on right now? You look like you’re 15!

Me: Oh, do I? Thank you. Hey, do I have a lisp?

Scott: I didn’t know you were getting braces! How much did those cost?

Me: It’s way cheaper than you think. I got a discount for being a returning customer. And it’s considered a “fix.”

Scott: Fix what?

Me: My one tooth.

Scott: What tooth?

Me: Ugh, Scott. The one tooth that never kept its act together. It went all sideways. It looks like I’m missing a tooth sometimes when I smile or talk.

Scott: I’ve never noticed it. Show me a picture.

Me: No. I know how to hide it. I delete pictures if I see the missing tooth. I’ve been hiding it for years.

Scott: I had no idea you were so self conscious about this. I guess apparently enough for braces? BRACES? BRACES. Metal ones.

Me: Oh, and a retainer for my top teeth. Just at night. She could tell my one top tooth is starting to protrude. We made a retainer today. She saved me from snaggletooth, Scott.

Scott: Your dumbass would buy a snow cone in the arctic.

Me: It was included in the price! Now I feel vain.

Scott: Hey, if it makes you happy…whatever.

Me: Am I vain?

Scott: No, you’re not vain. Look at you. You hit puberty all over again. You have braces on.

Me: Hey, Emma and I will be in braces at the same time!

Scott: Goodbye, brace face.

IMG_5485

To answer your questions – yes, they hurt. But no pain, no Hollywood smile.

I’ve lost about 5 pounds in two days because of the “braces diet.” I forgot how much food I can’t shovel into my mouth. I’m surviving with protein shakes, soup and sucking on an occasional barbecue chip.

I spend at least 30 minutes brushing and flossing my teeth, twice a day. The biggest difference between 13-year-old me and 33-year-old me is screw you, coffee and red wine. Adult teeth staining is a real thing.

I’ve already broke a bracket by ripping off a tag with my teeth. I bought a new bikini. I’m  fishing in the Bahamas this week. And they say barracudas are attracted to metal. I can’t wait to explain this one to my orthodontist.

Scott, I’m bringing pliers so you can cut the barracuda off your 15-year-old wife’s lip.

Have you ever gotten adult braces? Would you? Are you self conscious about something you’ve never told anyone about? Do you still wear your retainer? I’m already impressed if you do. 

ohemmaohkate

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

We took the girls out to Scott’s land he leases. We were driving around in our 4-wheeler. Scott walked off to check his corn and the girls and I waited.

Kate: Uh, I gotta pee.

Me: Ok, come here. I’ll hold you up against the 4 wheeler.

Emma jumped off to get out of the way. She stood in front of Kate, about 3 feet away. I positioned Kate to pee.

Me: Ok. Go. And try not to pee on my boots.

Kate: Watch this. (giggles)

She forced the pee out as hard as she could. The pee flies up like a rainbow and lands all over Emma.

Emma: (screams)

Me: (screams)

Kate: (laughs)

Me: KATE AUDREY! YOU STOP IT! DO YOU HAVE A PENIS?!?!

Kate: (stops forcing pee) No.

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The girls and I were in the waiting room at the pediatrician’s office.

Me: Kate! Stop kicking Emma’s stomach! Kate! You can’t punch stomachs either!

Kate: Doesn’t matter. We’re at the doctor’s.

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Me: Kate, will you take this container and water my strawberry plant outside?

Kate: Sure.

Me: Ok, it’s heavy. Got it? Just tip the spout on top of the plant.

Kate: Can you open the door for me?

Me: Yeah. (open door)

Kate: (stands at the door, chucks the water bucket at the side on the plant and takes a step back inside)

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I watched the debut of Tyler Farr’s new music video for “Withdrawals.” Emma and Kate walked in the room and started watching with me.

Kate: What are you watching?

Emma: Tyler Farr. Mom and dad went fishing with him, remember?

Kate: Did you guys sing together too?

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Scott and I took the girls out to eat at a restaurant.

Kate: RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU LIKE DICKS!

Scott: Sporting Goods?

Kate: Yes.

Scott: Oh ok. (raises his hand)

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I was driving the girls in the car.

Kate: Shit.

Me: Kate?

Kate: Yeah?

Me: Hmmm…nevermind.

Later that evening. Scott drove us to the Royals game.

Kate: Ah, I dropped my iPod! Shit!

Scott: What did you say?

Kate: Nothing.

Scott: Did you say the “s” word?

Kate: I don’t remember.

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We parked at Kauffman Stadium. We started walking across the parking lot.

Me: Hey, remember D17. Kate, remember D as in Daddy. Emma, remember 17. It’s the day we got married.

Kate: Ha! 17th. Why?

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Me: Are these new PJ shorts too short?

Scott: No.

Me: What about when we go on vacation with your parents? Can I wear these around?

Scott: Wait, let me look again.

Emma: They look ok to me.

Kate: They look ok to me too. Ha! Look at that butt cheek hangin’ out!

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I pulled up to our new house.

Me: Girls, I’m going to snap a few pictures. I’ll be right back. I’ll leave the car on since it’s hot out. Stay here.

I walked back out to the car. The girls were in the driver’s seat. Kate was slouched down. The car was revving up.

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

Emma: Mom, Kate tried to drive your car. I tried to stop her.

Me: KATE! NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!

Kate: I want to go fast. That pedal you showed me isn’t working.

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The girls climbed in bed with me one morning.

Emma: Pew, Kate your breath stinks.

Me: Kate, go brush your teeth, please.

Kate: But it’s morning.

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I went to the eye doctor and brought the girls with me.

Eye doctor: Can you read the smallest line?

Me: E, G, T, Y, L and maybe G?

Emma: Ha!

Kate: WRONG.

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My sister, Jenna, watched the girls while I got a bikini wax.

Kate: Do you know where my mom is?

Jenna: What? Uh, where?

Kate: She’s at CVS getting a wax.

Jenna: Do you know what a wax is?

Kate: I dunno.

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Kate: Look at my swimsuit! It shows my belly!

Scott: And do you like that?

Kate: Yes.

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I got the girls into their swimsuits in the women’s locker room at the gym.

Kate: Why do they separate the boys and the girls?

Me: Why do you think?

Kate: Because they laugh at each other.

Me: Would you laugh at a naked boy?

Kate: No. I see daddy all the time.

Me: But you laugh.

Kate: That’s only because he does this. (She squeezes her legs together and puts her hands over her crotch and walks around.)

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Kate: Girls rule, boys drool. Daddy, start drooling.

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Emma: Man, it’s getting hot!

Kate: Ugh. Global warming.

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Me: Ok Kate, while Emma is at soccer camp, we’re going to run a few errands.

Kate: Pick up birth control?

Me: What?

Kate: What’s birth control?

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Kate: Mommy, what’s your favorite thing to do? You know, besides typing on a keyboard?

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I was getting dressed.

Kate: See your Patinos. (Pa-teen-nos)

Me: What are patinos?

Kate: Butt cheeks. Patinis means more than one butt cheeks. Like two people’s butt cheeks.

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Emma: Mom, can I have a cinnamon roll?

Kate: Sure can, babe!

Me: What?

Kate: I’m the mom today.

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Emma: Where’s Kate?

Me: I don’t know? I thought she was with you?

Emma: I can’t find her.

Me: WHAT? (I get up and run around, looking for Kate. I find her under my bed sheets)

Me: What are you doing?

Kate: I’m mad at the world.

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I took the girls out to lunch.

Kate: I need to go to the bathroom. Be right back.

Me: How do you know which door to go in if you can’t read?

Kate: On the sign, the girls have dresses on and the boys are naked.

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Kate was eating french onion soup.

Kate: Will you take off the cheese?

Me: That’s the best part! You’re so strange.

Kate: (eats soup)

Me: You want to get ice cream after this?

Kate: Ok, let me eat the rest of these onions first.

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I left the Target cashier.

Kate: Can I hold the wrapping paper?

Me: Yes.

I walked out the door. I felt a whack to my butt. I turned around.

Kate: (eyes get big, wrapping paper behind her back)

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I take the girls to a spot in town with thousands of flags on display for Memorial Day weekend.

Me: Isn’t it pretty, girls? It’s to remember the people that died fighting for our country.

Kate: How many people died?

Me: Oh, um. In every war total? A lot. Hundreds of thousands. Probably more than that.

Kate: But did we win the war?

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Kate: Did you know seahorses burp?

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Emma: Would you rather jump off a cliff and die or eat pasta with poop meatballs?

Me: Gross, Emma! Eat pasta.

Kate: I would vote jump off a cliff but I whip out my parachute.

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My sister, Jessica, taught the girls that if we were royalty, Emma would be the heir and Kate would be the “spare.” Now the girls speak with British accents.

Emma: I am the heir and Kate is the spare.

Kate: And my mum is cray with blueberries on her boobays.

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Special Edition: Oh Nieces.

Summer time is here. That means extra time around Aunt Jules!

Gabby (3 years old): Hey, Emma and Kate, let’s pick Julie’s butt.

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Gabby: Do you have a sister?

Me: Yes, your mom.

Gabby: But she’s a big kid!

Me: She’s my little sister.

Gabby: No way. Who’s your mom?

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Gabby: You have nice barbies.

Me: What’s barbies?

Kate: Boobs.

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The family attended the baptism of my niece, June. I had my niece, Evelyn, on my lap.

Evelyn (2 years old): (whispering) Hey lets go up those stairs.

Me: Shhhh. No, that’s the alter. June’s up there with your parents right now.

Evelyn: Let’s go up the stairs, turn around, and say cheese. Lets see what happens.

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

congratulations

Congratulations.

“Congratulations!”

The word makes me uncomfortable. I have not done anything in my life worthy of a congratulations.

I have never climbed Mt. Everest. I have never written a Nobel Prize book. And I haven’t found a cure for cancer.

I understand the concept – congratulations is a “well wish.” People want the best for you.

“Congratulations on your Bachelors degree from K-State! We’re so proud of you!”

Thank you. But all I did was stay sober enough for 4 nights out of the week. And actually I’m still drunk from the night before because of this thing called Thursday night 99 cent jack and cokes. Did I just slur that?

“Congratulations on your wedding!”

Thanks! We found love and signed a paper. My parents paid for your free meal and booze..my dress, the flowers, the DJ…I tripped up the aisle after I said “I do.” You’re welcome for the laughs.

“Your newborn daughter is beautiful! Congratulations, mom and dad!”

Um, thank you. We had unprotected sex. I survived childbirth. And he still just had sex.

“Congratulations on your new house!”

Oh, you don’t need to congratulate, just come over anytime.

Ah, the house is tricky. Congratulations on the biggest investment you will ever make. Some people can’t afford a house. Some people live in one house their entire adult life. Scott and I are going from a nice house to a nicer house. The thought of congratulations makes me uncomfortable. It’s a social status congratulations.

Our house is under construction. We’re living in an two-bedroom apartment.

Apartment life. People do it all the time, look at New York. The lawn care is taken care of. There’s a handyman on-call. It’s cheaper than owning. Four months of living in an apartment with kids cannot be that bad.

I am google searching congratulations balloons to be delivered to us in July. And one of those giant welcome home signs across the garage. I might throw my own block party with a DJ instead of unpacking.

I don’t know what happened. It all went downhill.

Day 1.

Me: This is nice, Scott. A lot of space and the kids love sharing a room. I feel like we’re on a vacation with all these restaurants and good places to shop. I could live here. We don’t need some huge house. We’d save so much money. We could travel the world.

Scott: Yeah, once we get out of here, this will probably feel like home.

Day 3.

Scott: Some cat peed in the back of my truck, all over my hunting blinds.

Me: Speaking of cat pee, why does the girls’ room smell like cat pee? Maybe the previous owner had a cat and they didn’t get the smell out? Or maybe the cat that peed in your truck, peed by the window outside?

Scott: It does stink like something.

Me: Or you think the people above us has a litter box? Can that smell down here?

Day 4.

Me: Scott, I think the guy above us beats his kid.

Scott: What?

Me: I hate it when you’re out of town. I almost called the cops. The little boy sounded school-age. Screaming and his dad was yelling at him. Emma heard it too and got scared for the boy. Screaming like he was being murdered, Scott.

Scott: I’ll tell the apartment when I get in tomorrow.

Day 5.

Scott: The apartment said the dead beat dad is moving out in a week. That settles that.

Me: But the kid!

Scott: Fine. If it happens again, I’ll go up there.

Day 10.

Me: I’ve been awake since 6 am because the dude above us decided to take a pee.

Scott: What?

Me: I can hear dead beat dad’s loud pee stream.

Scott: That’s disgusting. Just a couple more months.

Day 20.

Me: THAT’S IT.

Scott: What now?

Me: Well, when I brought our trash to the dumpster, I could see through someone else’s trash.

Scott: What was it?!

Me: SMIRNOFF ICE.

Scott: No way!

Me: Who drinks a case of that? What kind of adults are we living with? I haven’t had one of those since…since…beginning of college? Maybe?

Day 23.

Scott: Damnit, call the apartment people tomorrow. The girls flooded the bathroom with the toilet. Damn toilet just leaks water constantly. We don’t have enough towels, I had to use bedsheets.

Me: WHAT?! I can’t call them out tomorrow. We have Belle and we didn’t pay the $500 pet deposit. Remember? She’s in stealth mode. I’d have to find a pet sitter.

Scott: I’ll fix it. Fine.

Day 30.

Me: Who just knocked on the door? Huh? I think I just saw some school-age boys run off?

Scott: Let me answer the door if they do it again.

Me: Shhhh…here they come. Here comes the knock…

Scott: (opens door) ROARRRRRR!

Me: (laughing) I think they know the girls live here.

Scott: Yeah, that’ll teach ’em.

Day 44.

Me: Do you know how lucky you are to travel so much? You don’t have to live in cat pee.

Scott: Few more months.

Day 46.

Scott: I’ve been up since 7 am because the people next to us like to have morning sex.

Me: What? She was just reading her daughter a book last night.

Scott: Yeah, well, she likes to get freaky in the morning. Banging her head on the wall.

Me: I didn’t hear it.

Scott: Moaning too.

Day 50.

Me: Why haven’t you answered your phone?

Scott: I’m entertaining my clients on Bourbon Street. What happened?

Me: I found the cat pee smell. I just sent you a picture of it.

Scott: I haven’t got it yet. What is it?

Me: MOLD. There’s BLACK MOLD on Kate’s side of the room. It’s all along the trim and going up the wall. It’s under her mattress. The carpet is saturated.

Scott: Are you kidding me? That’s a bunch of bullshit.

Me: This explains Emma’s increase in asthma attacks and my daily headaches. I never get headaches! I thought it was from stress but now I realize it’s from MOLD.

Scott: Get Emma out of that apartment. I don’t want you breathing that. Go to your mom and dad’s tonight then I’ll be home in the morning. Save all those pictures. I’m not paying a dime until they clean this shit up.

Day 64.

The mold has been removed. There is a chunk of soggy drywall cut out. The carpet has been ripped up. There is a dehumidifier running in the room. The source of the leak has been discovered but not fixed.

The girls have been sleeping in our room for two weeks like a damn frat house. We won’t let the girls sleep in that room until the leak is fixed. Emma’s asthma has gotten better since the mold removal. My headaches are gone.

The new people upstairs like to vacuum at 1 am. The people next to us still like morning sex. And I’m on the lookout for what kind of human drinks Smirnoff.

50 more days. Congratulations to us.

Emma9

Halfway there.

They say after you have a baby, you blink, and then that baby is headed off to college.

I call bullshit.

A kid doesn’t just wake up one day and become an 18 year old. It’s a process. Time slows down after the age of 9.

And do you know why years 9 through 18 are slowed down? I’ll tell you why – it’s so Scott and I can be slowly reminded we’re going to be grandparents one day. THAT’S WHY.

The hormones that will make my grandchildren have showed up with their pretty, little eye-rolls.

Emma turned 9 this weekend. I usually write a sweet post about Emma’s birthday. Emma’s birth made me a mom. She made Scott a dad. Her grandparents became grandparents and her aunts and uncles became, well, aunts and uncles.

And when you’re a newbie at raising a baby, you will get unsolicited advice. Maybe it’s not so much advice but a warning. Like a hurricane. It’s coming straight for us and all we can do is board up the house and hide.

“You’re doing good, mom. Believe it or not, you’ll miss these days when she’s a teenager!”  – an older mom at Target, watching me wrestle a screaming, arched-back baby Emma in my arms.

“Oh, this is nothin’. Just wait until junior high!” – my dad, during a five-year-old Emma meltdown.

“Well, she’s 9 years old now. She’s not a kid anymore. 4th grade is the year. You’ll start to see a few girls…with body changes.” – the pediatrician, at Emma’s wellness check.

If there is one thing my kid overachieves at, it’s exploding estrogen. The teenager showed up last year. It was subtle at first.

You’re the meanest mom ever! I tell all my friends you’re mean!

That’s cool. A big kid meltdown. When she’s mad at me, she runs to Scott. And when she’s mad at Scott, she runs to me. We have this all under control. She has no clue we’re on the same team.

Then it unraveled within the year.

I don’t like my hair in a ponytail because my face looks fat.

I just walked around the playground by myself because no one would play with me. I want to change schools now.

That girl said she’s not going to be my friend anymore. Everyone hates me because I’m ugly. And Kate is the pretty one.

Watching a child change into a woman is painful. Heartbreaking, even.

I could write advice about middle school and the awkward years. But she wouldn’t relate to it because she hasn’t been through it. And I know the first rule of age 9 through 18 because I invented the rule – don’t listen to your mother. 

She’ll figure it all out.

She’ll figure out those mean kids don’t hate her. Those mean kids will just turn into asshole adults. The world is full of them. They probably don’t even know they’re assholes. She’ll learn to brush them off.

She’ll figure out she is not ugly. It won’t take a family member to tell her she’s not. Or even a girlfriend. Or a stranger. The only person that will get her to believe she is pretty is a boy.

And as far as a dislike for her hair up, well, I don’t like my hair up either. Not because of the word “fat” but because I feel like I look like a boy. If she doesn’t like her hair up, then good. She cares. Wear your hair down, Emma. Be your own woman.

She’ll figure out that raising a child never gets easier. Worry is a cloud that hangs over parenthood. Worrying about her baby taking its first breath is just as scary as worrying about her toddler falling down the stairs. And that worry is just as scary as that “child” driving off to college, freshman-stye.

She’ll figure out one day that she’ll be a woman that blinked. And she’ll call bullshit too.

Because she is my child.

ohemmaohkate

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

I was getting dressed when Kate walked in.

Kate: Boobies!

Me: Stop.

Kate: I want boobies.

Me: You’ll get some when you’re older.

Kate: Then can I wear a string up my butt like you do too?

_________

Me: Your face gets so red when you’re hot.

Kate: I’m just mad.

_________

Kate: Will you make me oatmeal?

Me: Yeah, ok. I’ll get up.

Kate: Finally! I’ve been waiting for, like, 1,000 miles!

_________

Kate: What if you had boobs on your eyes?

_________

Emma: How much is 12 pounds?

_________

Me: I gotta go pee. Be right back.

Kate: Well, don’t just sit there on Pinterest.

_________

I rented the movie, Big (with Tom Hanks) for the girls to watch.

Emma: Do you wish you were a kid again?

Me: Hmmmm. No. Well, maybe. I would like to re-do some things.

Emma: I don’t wish to be a grown up. I don’t have a wallet.

Me: Ha! You mean, like, money?

Emma: No, like a real wallet to put my money.

_________

I also rented the movie, Now and Then (with Christina Ricci) for the girls to watch. Mistake. Why isn’t that movie rated R?

Emma: Kate, truth or dare?

Kate: Truth.

Me: STOP. Where did you hear about this game?

Emma: I made it up.

Me: No, don’t lie. Where?

Emma: That movie you let us watch. Now and Then.

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Kate: (runs in the room with Q-tips in her ears) I’m an elf.

Me: Wait! Let me get a picture of you!

Kate: (runs off) Can’t hear you!

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Kate: Would you rather…eat REAL dirt and worms. Like REAL ONES. Or jump in a volcano?

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Kate: How do you spell “bow and arrows straight ahead.”

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I was shopping with the girls.

Kate: Do you have a ponytail holder?

Me: No. I have one in the car though.

Kate: I’ll just take that clip from your hair then.

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Me: GIRLS! Why is my bra in the middle of the living room?

Emma: Kate was wearing it under her shirt after school.

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Me: Happy Cinco de Mayo, girls! Let’s make margaritas and tacos for our Mexican heritage!

Emma: Ok! Can we have margaritas?

Me: Well, I bought a mix that you can drink. So yeah.

I dipped their glass rim in salt, added ice, margarita mix and a lime wedge. I made myself the same but I added a few shots of tequila.

Kate: This is yummy! Hey, what’s that?

Me: It’s the stuff you can’t have in a normal margarita. It’s called tequila.

Kate: Can I smell it?

Me: Ok. I’m sure you won’t like the smell though.

Emma: (smells, makes a face)

Kate: (smells) Mmmmm…smells so good.

_________

I took the girls to the pool. We were walking out the door. I had on a tank top over my bikini.

Kate: That’s a cute bikini.

Me: Thanks.

Kate: What’s those holes on the sides?

Me: Oh. It’s just decoration on the bottom sides.

Kate: Good thing that decoration isn’t over your vagina!

Me: (Glare at her)

Kate: (Eyes get big)

_________

Me: Kate! It’s your last day of being 5! You’ll be 6 tomorrow! Can you believe it?!

Kate: Can you believe you were REALLY, SUPER FAT 6 years ago? Your big belly probably went way out to here!

_________

Kate: Do I have school today?

Me: No.

Kate: YAY! Dark lipstick day!

_________

Kate climbed into bed with me. (Scott was out of town)

Kate: I had a dream I cut daddy’s ear off and I got scared. So I just laid there with my eyes shut, hoping it wasn’t real.

_________

Emma: Can I have a brownie?

Me: No. You’ve been fighting all morning with your sister.

Emma: (leaves then comes back with a picture) Do you like this picture I drew?

Me: AW! Yeah! Lightening bugs in a mason jar! That’s SO CUTE, Em!

Emma: You can have it for a brownie.

_________

Kate: AND I DON’T LIKE THE ROYALS!

Me: What? Why?

Kate: Because I’m mad at you.

_________

Emma: Can I have some more Pez for my dispenser?

Me: Yeah, I’ll have to look at the store. They might be hard to find.

Kate: Target. At check out. To the left. The left side, mom. Like this side.

_________

Kate: No, I don’t want sushi tonight for dinner.

Me: Why? I thought you love that place!

Kate: I do. But I eat too much of it because it’s so good then my tummy hurts. So I’m never eating there again.

_________

Kate: Why do dogs have black lips?

Emma: Because it would look weird if dogs had pink lips, Kate.

_________

Kate: Why are you wearing a Killin’ It shirt?

Emma: Yeah, mom! You don’t hunt with daddy and me!

Me: I’m wore it at the gym because I’m ‘killin it’ at the gym. You know, like, getting it done. Working out.

Kate: Oh. I thought you were going to say you killed someone at the gym.

_________

I was on my computer and Kate was in the room, looking out the window, talking to herself.

Kate: Ugh. Boys. Get off my street.

_________

Me: Did your teacher like your braided pigtails?

Kate: They’re called piglets.

_________

Me: Girls, I might interview Eric Hosmer for the magazine!

Kate: Who’s that?

Me: Royals player. Here’s his picture.

Kate: Why don’t you interview daddy?

Emma: Kate. Daddy needs to become WAY more famous for mommy to interview daddy.

_________

Me: KATE. You’re in so much trouble. Go to your room NOW!

Kate: Good thing I was walking there anyway.

_________

Me: Ok, Kate! You can come out of your room now!

Kate: NO! NEVER!

_________

Emma: Are Medusa and Bloody Mary sisters?

_________

Me: Girls, please be quiet. I’m trying to take a nap. I didn’t sleep well last night.

Kate: Mom, I have to talk out loud when I’m writing my book. Been working on it for years.

_________

Scott: You girls don’t know who Popeye is? He eats spinach and his muscles blow up big! (flexed his bicep)

Kate: You think spinach blows out his butt too?

_________

It was the Royals home opener day. The girls were in school when the game started. The school must have been talking about the game.

Me: Hi girls! Hurry up, get in the car.

Emma and Kate: ROYALS!! TURN ON THE GAME, MOM!! RADIO! ROYALS GAME!

_________

Kate: Knock it off, you little J SNAP. (snapped twice at me, in a J formation)

_________

Me: Ugh. That turkey fan stinks so bad. Brett (our friend) needs to get that thing out of our garage.

Kate: Yeah! I’m going to tell Brett to take it back to Florida when he leaves.

Emma: Uh, you know, mommy will deliver it and just stay in Florida.

_________

Scott: You girls are going to start doing chores to help your mom out. We will pay you if you do a few things around the house. Today, you can put away all your clothes.

(the girls put away their clothes)

Emma: I will keep a list of how much money you owe me.

Kate: (walked up to me with her hand out) CASH.

_________

Me: Go put away your clothes. I’ll have money for you.

Kate: I have too much money from putting away my clothes too many times.

_________

Kate: When will I get some boobs?

Me: I don’t know…like 12 or 13?

Kate: (held out fingers) 6…7…8…9…10…11….12. Yay!! Just 7 more years!

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Special Edition: Oh Kids.

Kid: Can anyone break wire?

Mom: Well….

Kid: God can break through wire

Mom: Yep! God can do anything.

Kid: I know someone who is stronger than God.

Mom: Who:

Kid: God’s mom.

_________

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

epidural

Men get epidurals too.

May 7, 2009.

I gave birth to a blonde-haired baby girl named Kate.

May 7, 2015.

Scott claimed he went to a place where only women have gone. It’s a place where the human body tortures and rips itself open in the highest severity of pain. It’s the 10 out of 10.

You guys, Scott experienced the pains of childbirth. 

scottfield

“My back hurts. It’s time.”

_______

Me: I NEED HELP! I NEED A STRETCHER FOR MY HUSBAND IN THE CAR.

Doctor: Ma’am. Is your husband injured?

Me: Yes. Yes, hurry. He can’t move.

Nurse: (pushing an empty wheelchair out the Emergency Department’s doors) Ma’am, how did you get him in the car if he can’t move?

Me: I had help. It took hours. And he won’t want that wheelchair. He needs to lay down.

Nurse: Ma’am this is all we have. He’ll have to use the wheelchair.

Scott: I can’t….I can’t…I need to lay down.

Nurse: Sir, what happened?

Scott: My back went out. I can’t move.

Nurse: We’ll make it work. I’ll call for back up. Ma’am, when we get him loaded, you can park your car over there.

_______

Nurse: Scott, what is your pain level right now?

Scott: It’s……hold…on. It’s high. 9. 10. 9-10. It’s when I move. The pain makes it…unbearable.

Nurse: Ok. what time did this happen?

Scott: About 9 am.

Nurse: You’ve been in this kind of pain for 7 hours?

Scott: Yes.

Nurse: (looks at me) You poor thing.

Scott: I thought…it…would get better.

Me: (mouth) Thank you.

Nurse: Ok, Scott. The doctor is coming in now.

Doctor: Hey, Scott. I see you were working at the farm when this happened?

Me: Ha!

Doctor: (looks at me) And your relation is….

Me: Oh. I’m his wife.

Doctor: And do you two live on a farm?

Me: (giggle) No. He was planting corn on the farm he leases. It’s to feed deer. He’s a pretend farmer. He hunts deer.

Doctor: Ok. So tell me, pretend farmer, what exactly happened when you got your injury?

Scott: I…bent. over. I bent over. To pick up something. It felt like….like, a lightening strike in my back. I fell. I can’t move when my…back spasms. When it stops spasming….I’m ok when I’m laying down.

Doctor: Ok, I’m going to touch in a couple spots. Can you feel me here?

Scott: Yes.

Doctor: This might hurt. Can you feel this?

Scott: OW OW! YES.

Doctor: What medicines have you taken so far?

Scott: (points at me) Well, she gave me some leftover oxicodone that expired in 2011. I took one about two hours ago. It didn’t help.

Me: (mouth drop)

Doctor: SHE did? Ok, I’m going to make you more comfortable with medicine and order a CT scan. We’ll see how you are after that.

_______

Me: SCOTT! I didn’t give you oxicodone! I gave you leftover acetaminophen with codine from 2011!

Scott: Did I say oxicodone?

Me: YES! Huge difference!

Scott: Oh, sorry.

Me: We should have called an ambulance. You’re lucky your concerned sister-in-law didn’t do it for you.

Scott: Jessica was going to call an ambulance?!

Me: Uh. Yeah.

Scott: I would have sent the bill to her.

Me: How’s your back now?

Scott: It’s like a 2. I’m ok once the spasming stops. When I’m flat on a bed.

Me: Christine says they’ll probably give you some really good drugs.

Scott: You already texted Christine?

Me: She’s a nurse, dude. Oh, she said if you’re in this much pain, she wants to see tears. Here. Will you pose with tears?

_______

Nurse: Ok. The doctor ordered 4 drugs for you. One is a muscle relaxer. And three are for pain. I’m going to give them to you by IV. Hold your arm out while I start the IV. These will cause you not to be able to operate a vehicle or sign any important documents.

Scott: Ok.

Nurse: Here we go. They might make you feel kinda funny at first. It’ll hit you then hopefully start working.

Scott: I’m really ok now that I’m on my back. I don’t feel any…. oh wow. You just rocked my world.

_______

Scott: You’re so beautiful.

Me: (giggle) HA! Nice drugs, there.

Scott: You are. You’re so pretty.

Me: Can I film you?

Scott: I really hope these food plots get us some monster deer.

Me: Tell me I’m pretty again.

Scott: I mean, all I did was bend over! It could have happened anywhere! I wasn’t lifting or anything. I’m so lucky this didn’t happen while driving my truck. I went paralyzed. I would have died.

Me: Well, you’re ok now. These drugs will help and the doctor will figure out what happened. Ugh, I hate this. I want to tell the doctors you have a high pain tolerance. And that your 6 is every man’s 9.

Scott: I’m telling you, when my back spasms like that…I’ve never felt any pain greater.

Me: I thought you said your surgery knee pain was a 10.

Scott: This is more than that. This is more than childbirth.

I dropped my phone in my lap.

Me: I’m sorry, what.

Scott: Childbirth. My whole body goes numb in pain. But this time, there’s no relief. It just keeps going until I lay down on my back. My body can’t relax. It’s, like, constant pain, unbearable. My whole body goes numb.

Me: ……..

Scott: Don’t look at me like that.

Me: Childbirth.

Scott: I’m telling you. It’s worse.

Me: How do you feel now?

Scott: I’m ok when I’m on my back. My body can relax.

Me: ………

Scott: I know I have a herniated disk. It’s nerve pain. Worst pain you can imagine.

Me: RING. OF. FIRE.

Scott: What?

Me: Nothing.

_______

Doctor: Well Scott, after looking at your CT scan, your spine is showing laxity. It’s basically loose ligaments. An MRI will tell us more. You can get a consult with an Ortho as an outpatient. We’ll send you home with some drugs. It looks like you are tolerating the pain better.

_______

Nurse: Ok, Scott. Can you move out of your bed and stand, slowly?

Scott tried to get up. He collapsed back into the bed. His back was spasming.

Scott: I…can’t. I can’t move….It’s spasming again. Feel how…tight my abs are.

Nurse: Ok, I can’t let you leave if you can’t move out of bed.

Scott: I. Can’t move.

Nurse: What’s the pain level?

Scott: 10….it’s 9-10. Worst pain. Unbearable.

Nurse: I’m going to give you one more dose of a pain meds. Let me get the doctor.

_______

Doctor: Hey, Scott. You’re staying with me tonight.

Me: WHAT?! He’s being admitted?

Doctor: Yep. We’ll get a room for him upstairs. I can’t let him go if he can’t walk out of the hospital.

Me: Oh no! Our daughter’s birthday is tomorrow!

Doctor: How old is she?

Me: She’ll be 6.

Doctor: Cool. Birthday cake at the hospital. We’re going to schedule an MRI for tonight. We’ll have results by morning.

Scott: Call my mom.

_______

Me: How did you sleep last night? Did they read the MRI yet? Kate had me bring you one of her stuffed animals with its back ripped open.

FullSizeRender

Scott: What?

Me: She’s so funny.

Scott: The MRI was ok. The nurse thinks I have a herinated disk.

Me: Really? Did they say if you need surg – OH MY GOD, SCOTT. WHAT ARE YOU ON?

FullSizeRender

Scott: It’s not even helping. I’m waiting on the doctor to make rounds.

Me: Hey. I was in pain, at a hospital, at this exact moment 6 years ago. My pain ended in an epidural.

Scott: Your pain ended with a beautiful baby girl. Your pain was natural. I just want to walk.

_______

Doctor: Scott, you are a candidate for an epidural.

Me: WHAT.

Doctor: You have a herniated disk. You will need to get a consult from Ortho. For now, our objective is to get you walking. Since you are not getting relief from these meds, I’m going to have the nurses wheel you down to the pain center. It’s inside the hospital.

Scott: An epidural? Like what SHE had?

Doctor: It’s not quite the same as a woman in labor. It’s a little different. You will be getting a steroid nerve block. But yes, same type of procedure in the back.

_______

Scott: I don’t know what all you women complain about with an epidural. That was nothing. I even got to watch a video of the needle going in. Kinda cool.

Me: No mother has complained about an epidural. The epidural is the relief. It’s the pain leading up to the epidural. And some moms don’t even get an epidural. You want to die but you want your child to live. But I wouldn’t have been able to tell you that 6 years ago because women can’t speak with that level of pain. I’m sure your pain is your 10. But it’s not that 10.

And you’re forgetting who I delivered. KATE.

Happy 6th birthday, Kate.

Happy birthday, Kate Audrey. You’re the best 6 year old to share cheesecake with in the hospital.

Scott’s epidural helped him through his level 10 pain. His pain has moved to about a 4 and tolerable. He will continue physical therapy until he is completely healed. He was released from the hospital with a greater appreciation for Mother’s Day.

I want to know – have any mothers experienced a pain greater than childbirth? Can anyone back Scott up? 

bloggesstwitter

The Bloggess follows me on Twitter.

Me: Oh my God. I think my heart just stopped.

Scott: What?

Me: The Bloggess just followed me on Twitter.

Scott: …….

Me: Come on.

Scott: Who?

Me: Oh. My. God. The blogger of all bloggers! The Bloggess! Jenny Lawson!

Scott: Oh. You’re social media’ing right now.

Me: Oh. You’re social media’ing right now. No, you DON’T UNDERSTAND. She’s famous, Scott. She’s written books. She’ll post something about…I don’t know…about brushing her daughter’s hair and she’ll make it funny just by the way she writes it because she’s a genius. The subject doesn’t even matter. My favorite thing about her – she’s humble. She blows off that she’s so famous. She doesn’t even believe it. She has, like, one real ad on her blog. If I were her, I would walk into a store and be like, “do you know who I am. THE BLOGGESS. BOOM.” And people would bow down. But not Jenny. She loves to dress up taxidermy, Scott. And she lives with anxiety. And she fights with her husband. But they funny-fight, like we do. And she’s self conscious. And she’s much better at writing about her life than talking in person. Probably. I’m guessing. She’s ME, Scott. But better. And you’re Victor. I don’t know who’s better.

Scott: Never heard of them.

Me: Can I just stop and take a moment here….  …AND NOW THE BLOGGESS FOLLOWS ME ON TWITTER. She clicked my profile and then she clicked “follow.” This is crazy. Amazing. Crap, do you think she thinks I’m weird for hating bacon?

Scott: Sure.

Me: Sure?! How do you just shrug your shoulders? I think she might top Eric Stonestreet following me. I need to tell someone. Someone that will scream with me.

IMG_4163

IMG_4165

Girlfriends 1. Husband 0.

Have you ever gotten giddy around a celebrity or someone you admire? Did you laugh at “knock knock, motherfucker?” You laughed if you know who The Bloggess is. Does anyone else understand my level of excitement right now?

The Bloggess.

Knock Knock, Motherfucker.

The Bloggess on Twitter.

google

Google search.

There is no privacy in blogging.

Wait, stop. I take that statement back – bloggers write and photograph what they want others to see. We can control privacy. We can even screen comments.

We just can’t control who reads it.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – bloggers can see what you put into google after you click the blogger’s link. Sometimes I can tell which blog post got the hit. Sometimes I can’t.

Google search: I’m calling you out, freaks of the internet.

___________

who is brett cannon dating – One of my most common search terms. Stick around and I’ll find out. He’ll be at my house later this week to turkey hunt with Scott.

I'll save ya a click.

Here, I’ll save you a google search.

iphone love text screen shots – I’m married. This is all I got. It’s hard making couples date nights.

IMG_3971


does tyler farr smoke cigarettes – Hm, I don’t remember him smoking when I went fishing with him. To be honest, I was more concerned about sliding down the boat while peeing in an empty bucket and landing in Tyler’s lap.

*And for the record, I am not this cool. This is called the Brett Cannon Effect. You get to fish with famous people.

Tyler me

No cigarette. No bucket of my pee in your lap. High five!

bug bytes ** www bug bytes blog ** bug-bytes.net ** ksu bug blog ** bug bytes blog ** bug – bytes ** bugbytes.net ** bugbytes blogspot ** bug blog k-state ** bug bytes blog julie burton ** bugbytes ** julie burton** – You know, you don’t have to google search this every time you want to read my blog. Just put your email in the subscription box. I won’t tell a scamming soul.

dirty phone call of nurse – So what color scrubs are you wearing?

nude girls at country stampede – I don’t think I’ve ever…wait. Got it. Yes. Yes, circa 2003. Scott’s “show your titays” sign at Country Stampede. Scott never saw any titays. Maybe because “show your titays” is degrading to women, SCOTT. scottcs scott penis covers – Wait, what? FullSizeRender my husband wears a jockstrap to bed – Really? Why? What kind of pounce moves are you guys doing?

jockstrap is a bra for your butt – Not really.

men in jockstraps – I’m regretting writing about a jockstrap.

negative Jayhawk – I don’t know you but I like the way you think.

bugs at st louis cardinals stadium – And cardinal poop in your hair. Probably. Just guessing. Can’t trust those bird mascots. Go Royals. Go Wildcats.

girl says kenny chesny isn’t circumcised – I’m starting to feel sorry for celebrities. People throw their private information all over the Internet. They can’t even go fishing in South Florida without some chick throwing a high-five picture all over social media. Or writing about how your eyes dropped to my boobs mid-conversation, Kenny. 

jack sparrow with cigar  – How the internet connected my blog and Jack Sparrow with a cigar, I have no clue. Thank you, google. Thank you.

comebacks for liars –  “you’re lying.”

turn me into a alcoholic  –  it’s an alcoholic. Not a alcoholic. You’re already in a downward spiral.

i am little psycho but i love u lots quotes  – OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS, TAYLOR SWIFT IS READING MY BLOG. HEY, TAYLOR! “Nice to. Meet you. Where you. Been…”

people of walmart showing nipple – Why?

no bra when taking the bus – They’re probably heading to make their debut on the People of Walmart.

julie is hysterical about a bug in her shorts – Thank you.

popsicle stick with tennis balls – You know, I don’t know what this means. Are you making a miniature weight rack? Are you making a stick figure with giant boobs? Are you making, well, you know. Balls and stick.

witty comebacks – You go first.

mother in law steals thunder on facebook – You shouldn’t care. Take a break from Facebook. Don’t let social media make you crazy.

how do you tell coworkers to not poop on the floor? I can also see which countries are reading my blog and I hope google translated this from russian. Please tell me your are from Russia. Ethiopia? France!

why am i pooping crab body parts – You ate a crab.

he asked me on a date when drunk – Don’t give him an answer until he asks again, sober.

women left a loud fart in shop – Why does this trace back to me.

what happens when you hit a deer in a smart car – Oh dear.

restaurants that give you wedgies for your birthday – That sounds like a good ‘ole fashioned 90th birthday.

penises are ugly – Yes. And do you know what else is ugly – red rockets. I told Scott we are getting a female puppy because ew, Scott. Push it back in.

never let your friends feel lonely, disturb them all the time – Ah, an extrovert. Introverts don’t care for that too much.

“i am the one that taught him” is it a correct engish – Yes, if you speak in a correct engish.

does anyone else brush their teeth in the shower – I do not. I feel like I would smell like mint all day.

** daddy lets his friends play with my boobs ** junior teen camel toe ** picture of little girl pees her pants in the store ** my daughters camel toe ** children’s underwear models ** daddy puts crayons in my vagina ** preschool girls swimsuit pictures – There is no privacy in blogging. I will call you out.

Are you a blogger? Do you read your google search terms? What is the funniest thing someone has searched for? Do you get search terms that make your skin crawl? Can we get together and beg google to find out who the perverts of the internet are? 

ohemmaohkate

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

Kate: Are there people out there that like rats?

_______________

I picked up the girls from school. They hopped in the car.

Kate: Ah! Feels so good to take off my jacket and shake my boo-tay. (shakes her butt in the seat)

_______________

I brought the girls to the hospital to meet my new niece, June. We were walking through the hospital lobby.

Me: Are you excited to meet baby June?

Emma: YEAH!

Kate: And how many babies do you think daddy has?

Me: What? Two.

Kate: Are you sure?

_______________

I was putting on make up in front of the mirror. Kate slams open the door.

Me: AH! You scared me!

Kate: Thinking about me?

_______________

I was lost in a parking garage.

Me: Dangit. Where’s my freaking car?

Emma: Let me get out my Emma powers.

Kate: Let me use my whiskers.

_______________

Kate: I made a picture for you!

FullSizeRender

Me: I love it!

Kate: There’s Belle, Bailey in heaven. Daddy. You with boobies. Me with boobies. And Emma with boobies.

IMG_3529

_______________

Kate: So what time are you pulling me out of school?

Me: Huh?

Kate: You know.

Me: I’m not pulling you out of school today.

Kate: Dangit. That didn’t work.

_______________

I took the girls rock climbing. We wear a harness around our waist and legs. Kate and I landed on the ground at the same time.

Kate: You got the wedges too?

Me: What?

Kate: Butt wedges. Oh! Yeah, you do.

_______________

Me: Kate, do you want anything from Starbucks?

Kate: Frappaccino. And a cake pop.

Me: Uh, don’t think so.

Kate: Caramel frap and a pink one! Please!

_______________

Me: Emma, looks like your class is doing a little project for your teacher. I need to email this mom your answer –  what is your marriage advice? Go.

Emma: Well, I don’t really know because I’m not married. But I would say have fun and be happy.

_______________

Kate: UGH! I’m sad right now. Put on the “Happy” song.

_______________

I was driving in the car with the girls.

Kate: (makes gun noise)

Me: Did you just shoot something?

Kate: I saw a metal deer in that neighborhood.

_______________

Kate: How many more years until my birthday?

_______________

I have an app on my phone that plays nighttime noises to help kids sleep.

Kate: Can I listen to whales and the ocean tonight?

Me: What about crickets and frogs? That sounds like a summer night.

Kate: What the.

_______________

Scott’s parents were in town visiting. We went out to eat at a restaurant.

Nana (to girls): Wow! I haven’t been to this place since before your mommy and daddy got married!

Kate: HA! (points at me) You had a boyfriend! You had a boyfriend!

_______________

We woke up Easter Sunday. Kate walks in our room.

Kate: I know you’re the Easter bunny so don’t hide the eggs. Just give them to me.

Scott: You know Easter isn’t about the Easter bunny. It’s about Jesus coming back from heaven.

Kate: Oh, I would never do that. When I go to heaven, I’m just going to stay there and hang out with Bailey.

_______________

I was at Walmart with the girls. I pass some 20-something guy in the aisle.

Kate: (whistles the “Julio” whistle from Uptown Funk)

20-something: (turns his head and looks at me.)

Me: (Shake my head no.) KATE! Shhhh.

_______________

Me: Ok, Emma. Here’s a $20 bill for your book fair at school. You can spend $10. Give me $10 back so I can give it to Kate to use for her book fair day tomorrow.

Emma: Ok, got it.

I pick up Emma from school and she has a stack full of books in her arms. She can barely carry them all. She gets in the car.

Me: You got all those books? Where’s my change?

Emma: (hands me two quarters)

Me: 50 CENTS?!?! EMMA!

Emma: I’m really bad at math.

Kate: EMMA! That’s not fair!

_______________

Me: You stink.

Kate: Whatever, jalapeño.

_______________

Kate tickled me. So I tickled Kate back.

Kate: STOP! My tickle team powers are running low. I’m ticklish right now.

_______________

I was meeting Scott at Emma’s soccer practice. I had Kate with me in the car.

Me: Where did he go? I swear I just saw his truck pull in.

Kate: I saw his truck too.

Me: Where’s he at?

Kate: It’s the mystery of the day. Hmmmm.

_______________

I stopped then turned right at a red light when the traffic was clear.

Kate: Ha! Telling dad you went on a red light.

_______________

Kate: How do you spell ‘Do not enter unless you’re mad’?

_______________

Special Edition: Oh kids.

Coming home from Walmart in the car.

Son: Mommy?

Mom: Yes?

Son: Cowboys sure do like whiskey.

Is your kid hilarious? Of course they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

katequitsoccer

Kate quit soccer.

Can I ask you some advice?

Of course, I can. This is the internet. Everyone has an opinion behind the safety of a keyboard.

Do you force your child to take extracurriculars? 

Are you an enforcer parent or let-your-kid-quit parent?

Are you the parent that doesn’t let your child tell you no? She told me she didn’t want to but I’m going to make her go to summer camp anyway. It’s a part of being a kid.

Or are you the parent that allows your child to make their own decisions? Fine, call your dad and tell him you quit soccer. It’s ringing. — Hello? — I quitted.

Kate quit soccer.

Me: Kate, get off my leg and go run on the field with your new friends. They’re yelling your name. Go, girlfriend! Go play soccer!

Kate: No. I hate soccer.

Me: You didn’t even try it. Go kick a ball back with that little girl. Isn’t she in your class?

Kate: It’s too cold.

Me: It will warm up when you run around.

Kate: I’m not as good as Emma.

Me: But your team is with girls your age. You don’t have to play like Emma.

Kate: I don’t want you to watch me.

Me: Ok, I’ll turn around and watch Emma on the playground. Go play!

I turned around and felt Kate release my leg. I checked to see where Emma was at on the playground and then turned back around to sneak a glance at Kate.

She was gone.

I scanned heads again. Kate was not with her teammates on the field.

Then a pink coat caught my eye. She was a soccer field away.

Me: KATE!!

Kate turned around.

Kate: I QUITTED!

Kate sprinted towards my car.

Me: EMMA, LET’S GO! HURRY! KATE! STOP! WAIT FOR ME!

We made a solid choice when we enrolled Emma in soccer. We put her in. She didn’t complain. And the child blossomed. Athletically, maybe a little bit. But it’s her confidence that blossomed. She’s changed. She’s happy. It might have to do with switching schools and milking the “new kid” status. Or it might be the sense of unity that comes with a sport like soccer. Whatever we did, we scored a goal with Emma. The stands went wild. Parenting high fives all around.

We took Kate back to the second practice.

Well, here come the boos.

A soccer ball was thrown at my head. I cried on the sidelines. Kate kicked the car tires in a meltdown. Scott threatened to drop kick Kate back on the field. And Emma stormed off to the parking lot and screamed, “SOCCER PLAYERS DON’T QUIT, KATE!”

Kate quit soccer again.

The enforcer parents told me to keep trying soccer with Kate. Or try dance. Or gymnastics. Kate has said no to everything. I’m not an expert parent but my gut is telling me the school switch, the move and enrolling her in soccer was too much change.

Do I know what’s good for her? Maybe.

Is she a kid just being a kid? Well, she’s Kate being Kate.

Fighting with her sister after school is a childhood requirement. She’ll never quit that.

We told Kate she could quit soccer. To me, I feel like we just scored another goal.

Do your kids do extracurricular activities? Do you make your child stay in after-school activities if they don’t want to? Have you let your child quit anything? Do you think parents put too much time into extracurricular activities? Tell me. It’s just you and your keyboard.