The pictures on the walls.

15 Sep

Something is missing from my home.

Pottery Barn furniture. Pinterest worthy decor. Nice things. Yeah, those all are missing. But that’s not what I’m talking about.

It’s pictures of my kids.

Emma’s brand new wrinkly forehead cupped in Scott’s hands. Kate’s toothless smile with drool all over her chin. A blurry curly-haired toddler running in a field. A little girl’s foot slipping into her mommy’s red high heels. No, you won’t find any of those pictures displayed in the house.

You see, my kids age in the frames on the walls. I switch the pictures out every year. The kids you see displayed are the kids you see running down the stairs to greet you. Or the kids you see riding their bikes around the neighborhood.

Those kids are sitting across from me as I type. They are doing their homework. It’s a Sunday night. We’re huge procrastinators. They have no idea I’m taking peeks at their sweet faces from behind the computer screen. Oh, now they’re fighting. I’m staring at the words coming out of their mouths. Stop it.

I don’t see the change. All I see is mine. They are the same faces that were placed in my arms 5 and 8 years ago. Well, they have teeth now. Teeth that come with bad morning breath. Their legs are longer. So are their fingers. Emma wore my flip flops today. They smell like my coconut soap after a bath instead of Johnson’s lavender sleepy time soap. The baths will probably change into showers soon. And Kate told Scott she wanted big boobies before breakfast.

But this.

Emma.

Kate.

I miss those babies. They disappeared. They should be on a milk carton. I don’t like looking at milk carton babies on the walls of my home.

Yeah, I know. They are right here in front me fighting about whose homework is easier. It’s Kate’s. She’s younger. Stop it. 

And no, I don’t want another one. This is not a “I want another baby” post because oh I still see that picture of breast milk leaking through my dress at Scott’s best friend’s wedding. Nope. Done. 

I just miss those two.

But we have these two.

...

And in 10 years these two will be milk carton kids too. Kate will probably have her big boobies. And Scott will still have that look on his face.

 

Do you display recent pictures of your kids? Or do you leave them little milk carton babies? Do you still have pictures displayed from another time? Do you try to live in the moment?

me

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

10 Sep

Kate fell off the counter and landed on her head. She had a big bruise on center of her forehead for about a day or so. (She was fine)

Emma: (screaming from upstairs) Daaa-ad! Kate keeps bumping into me!

Scott: Kate, stop.

Emma: She’s using her bump on her forehead to ram into me! She says she’s a unicorn!

______________

Scott: What did you learn in school today?

Kate: I forgot but it was probably something.

______________

Me: I liked volunteering in your classroom today, Emma. Your teacher is super nice.

Kate: Who is super nice?

Me: Emma’s teacher is.

Kate: Does Emma think she’s not?

______________

I dropped off Emma at school in the car. It was pouring rain. The line to drop off kids was longer than normal.

Kate rolls down the window, points and yells at traffic.

Kate: YOU’RE LATE. YOU’RE ALL LATE! ALL OF YOU!

______________

I was in my bedroom. I could hear Kate rummaging around my sink drawers.

Kate: Ahhhhhhh…

I peeked in. She had her mouth wide open and was applying lipstick.

______________

Scott: Kate, where do you get all your good looks from?

Kate: Mommy and me.

______________

Kate: Uh, your face looks weird when you bite that taco.

Me: What?

Kate: Your face. It’s like this (tilts head to side with her mouth open).

______________

Kate walked in the house after she was done playing outside. She looks down at the floor.

Kate: My feet are dirty. Look at all these dirty footprints. You should clean these floors when I go to school.

______________

Me: Good job getting dressed by yourself, Kate! All red for red day!

Kate: (lifts up her dress) I got red underwear too! Haaa!

Me: Do not show your friends that.

Kate: Why?

______________

We got our pictures taken in our backyard by our friend. Jamie rings the doorbell. The girls answer the door.

Kate: Hi! Mommy and daddy are upstairs right now.

Jamie: Oh, they are?

Kate: Daddy is pooping.

______________

Kate: I can spell K-U.

Emma: Stop it, Kate. You need to learn how to spell K-S-U.

______________

Kate was looking at a framed picture of Kevin Lockett (it was autographed for Emma).

Kate: Ew.

Me: What.

Kate: KU is on there.

Me: No, it’s a picture of a former K-State player. His name is Kevin Locket. K-State has the ball. He is just playing KU in the picture.

Kate: Who’s winning in the picture?

Me: I don’t know what game that was. I’m sure K-State won that game.

Kate: How do you know?

Me: Because KU isn’t very good at football.

Kate: Why isn’t KU good at football?

Me: I don’t know. They just aren’t a football school. They’re better at basketball.

Kate: KU probably just doesn’t practice a lot.

______________

Kate: Can I watch TV?

Me: No. Your dad pulled cable. We can’t watch TV anymore.

Kate: I don’t like daddy anymore. You are my favorite.

______________

I pulled up to a drive-thru. Kate had her window down in the back because it was a nice day out.

Employee: Hi, can I help you?

Kate: HI, CAN YOU THROW MY KID IN THE PLAY AREA?

Me: KATE!!

Employee: Excuse me?

______________

I walked into the bathroom to Kate sitting on the toilet.

Kate: DIARRHEA! SHUT THE DOOR!

______________

Kate: Let’s play restaurant!

Me: Ugh. Ok.

Kate: And what would you like to eat, ma’am?

Me: I’ll have a turkey sandwich and some cottage cheese.

Kate: And would you like a beer to go with that?

______________

Me: Kate, go tell your dad that I want two tacos.

Kate: (to Emma) Mommy wants two tacos.

Me: Does she look like daddy to you?

Kate: No, she looks like you.

______________

Kate: What’s that noise?

Me: Bugs outside.

Kate: What kind of bug is it?

Me: Cicadas or locusts. I can’t remember which one.

Kate: How do they make that werrrerrrre werrrrerrrre noise?

Me: Hmmm..I think their wings? Or maybe their legs.

Kate: I think they hop on the trees to make that noise.

______________

Me: Aw, sad. Someone ran over this caterpillar.

Kate: Is it a baby one?

Me: It’s a big, fat one. Well, I guess all caterpillars are babies, right? Because they turn into a butterfly when they get bigger.

Kate: Butterflies have caterpillars in their tummies?

______________

Kate: I don’t like the dentist. I don’t like that stuff they put on my teeth.

Emma: I like the dentist. The only thing I don’t like is the cavity checker. It’s like a giant monster to me.

______________

Kate: Knock knock.

Me: Who’s there.

Kate: (silent)

Me: (laughing)

Emma: That wasn’t a knock knock joke, Kate.

Kate: She laughed.

______________

Me: Uh, Kate. Where's your hair? Kate: Forgot it.

Me: Uh, Kate. Where’s your hair?
Kate: Forgot it.

______________

I pulled my car into the garage after dropping off Emma at school.

Me: Hurry up, Kate. My PJ shorts are too short.

Kate: Why?

Me: I don’t know. But I don’t want parents to see my butt cheeks hanging out.

Kate: Mom, you need to start wearing pants.

______________

In the car.

Me: Where’s my phone at?

Kate: Probably at home or in the sewer.

______________

Kate: Look at those spiders stuck together! They’re hugging! Awwww!

______________

 

Special Edition: Oh, kids.

Kate had a kindergarten friend over. I picked her up and drove her to our house.

Kid: Wow! Your car is so clean! My mom’s car is not clean at all.

I parked the car in our garage.

Kid: I can’t wait to play at your house again!

Me: You just got here!

Kid: Yeah, but I’m just so excited! I want to come back already!

______________

Me: Do you girls want a snack?

Kate and kid: Yeah!

Me: You’re not allergic to anything, are you?

Kid: Yeah, I am allergic to something.

Me: Uh oh. What is it?

Kid: I’m allergic to poison ivy.

______________

Emma and Kate were showing the friend our basement.

Kate: My daddy shot that fish.

Emma: No, he didn’t Kate. You don’t shoot fish with guns. He bought it from a store.

______________

Me: Hey girls, just dump your water from your tea party in the yard before you come inside.

Kid: Uh, we should go to my house and dump it there. My dad said our yard needs the water.

______________

Twins, 4 year old boys: Mom, can we have a drink?

Mom: You can have milk or water.

Twins: We don’t like your options.

______________

5 year old: Son of a bitch!

Dad: OH! WHOA! You can’t say that.

5 year old: Say what.

Dad: Son of a bitch.

5 year old: I can’t say son of a bitch?

Dad: No. You can’t. You can’t say bitch.

5 year old: But you say bitch.

Dad: I can say bitch.

5 year old: But I can’t say son of a bitch?

(This has got to be my favorite of all time. And no, it wasn’t Kate.)

______________

 

Is your kid hilarious? Of course, they are!

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

 

Penises are ugly anyway.

8 Sep

Allison: Mel wants a classy bachelorette party. No veil. No penises. Just some drinks and shopping with girlfriends on the Plaza.

Me: Yeah, I figured that is what she would want.

Allison: This is why I’m counting on you to bring the party.

Me: I won’t let her down. Penises are ugly anyway. Do you have Flat Shelly? I got word that she’s at your house.

Allison: Flat Shelly is here and ready.

Me: This will be good.

* The real Shelly was attending a funeral in Nebraska. I don’t know how the real Shelly kept a straight face with the string of pictures sent to her phone.

________

Let's roll.

Let’s roll. TEAM BRIDE. Boom!

Cheers!

And we’re off! Cheers!

A little bourbon never hurt anyone.

A little bourbon never hurt anyone.

The cocktails have ran dry.

Happy hour is over.

Time to shop!

That’s ok! We have shopping to do!

Namaste.

Namaste.

Has anyone seen Shelly?

Ok. Who left Flat Shelly alone with a gourd on the table?

That bourbon is making us sleepy. Starbucks!

The bourbon made us sleepy. Starbucks!

She's an angel.

The bride has arrived to Victoria Secret. I repeat – the bride has arrived to Victoria Secret. Wait, is Shelly wearing wings?

And then all of the sudden, she was in the changing room with Mel and we got kicked out for taking pictures!

Melanie’s honeymoon lingerie is Flat Shelly approved.

Dinner time. Shot with the bride time.

Dinner time. Shots with the bride time.

Hey, our waiter looks like Enrique.

Hey, our waiter looks like Enrique.

No, not Pitbull. ENRIQUE.

No, not Pitbull. ENRIQUE.

Vodka

Vodka from Enrique!

Hurry up, Gina. We have to pee.

Hurry up, Gina. We have to pee.

Wait, who's carrying Shelly?

Wait, who is that? Oh, Shelly.

Oh look! Shelly made some new friends!

Oh look! Shelly made some new friends! Hey, someone needs to get Shelly’s hand out of that girl’s drink.

We love you too. We love everyone here.

We love you too, Shelly. We love you too.

Cut her off. Drink some water, girlfriend.

She’s cut off. Drink some water.

I mean, really?

I mean, really?

She's the life of the party.

Enrique’s back! Ah! And there she goes…making out with the bride. We’re not in college, Shelly.

She just puked in her soup bowl.

And she just puked in her soup bowl.

Why is she staring at me?

She’s got that dazed look in her eye.

The morning after…

Shelly?

And she still has a smile on her face.

Flat Shelly got even dirtier but a certain penis in my household told me I would get a few of us fired from our jobs if I posted them. 

What is the best bachelor/bachelorette party you have been to? What did you do at your bachelor/bachelorette party? Would you trust your friends to take a “Flat You” out on the town? 

 

Untitled

Can anyone hear me?

2 Sep

Greetings, from Burton Island!

Land of 72 degrees. The breeze carries scents of pumpkin spice and cheese dip. It’s the busy season on Burton Island. It’s football season. The three TVs in the Man Cave will glow with thousands of fans. Open the taps! Grab a frosty mug! You’re all invited! Sit back …

This is all a big joke.

We’re off the grid.

No cable.

No internet.

I am starting to question my own existence.

And then all of the sudden I grew a pair.

I found myself a football friend. Her name is Carmen. Ladies like us are hard to find. We are part man.

I found Carmen during one of her meltdowns on social media last year after her OU Sooners lost. Her final post: Don’t talk to me. DO NOT talk to me.

I fell in love immediately.

A star-crossed lover. Her Sooner to my Wildcat. We’re not supposed to be friends. Red and purple don’t look good together. Then again, we could never root for the same team. The Football Gods cannot handle that amount of hair-pulling, PMS-screaming, estrogen shooting at the TV. Our combined force would cause the earth to open up a sinkhole under the opposing team. Oh, did we do that?

Text message to Carmen: Thank GOD football is back.

Carmen: Thank GOD.

Me: We’re debating on whether to take the girls to Manhattan for the game this weekend. We don’t have tickets. We could tailgate with them?

Carmen: Tailgating would be a good intro for the girls. We are bringing the boys to Norman. I told the boys I won’t talk to them during the game unless it is answering football questions. I will not leave early. I will not spend the game at the concession stand. And I WILL pound their face into the bleachers if they complain about being there.

Me: HA! Hmmm…maybe we shouldn’t bring the girls. I don’t want to deal with all of the above.

Me: Ohhhh FML. Oh no. Carmen. NO

Carmen: What.

Me: Scott just sent me an email. READ.

 

photo-6

 

Carmen: Wait, what?

Me: I can’t breathe.

Carmen: Tell me this is a joke. What is wrong with him?

Me: Why do I have to be the male in this relationship? He’s texting me nonsense about Google Chrome and streaming from a computer. He told me to buy some bunny ears. From where? The homeless? I just want to reach through the phone slap him. No, maybe grab his balls to make sure he still has some.

Carmen: LMAO

Me:  This blog post is writing itself.

Carmen: I was thinking the same thing.

 

Welcome back to the blog, SCOTT.

Ok, I’ll hear him out. Marriage is about compromise. He has valid points – the price of cable is ridiculous. We never watch TV. We only turn on the TV for one reason – sports.

Oh, but football. It’s the game, man! How can you yank that without asking! 

It’s fine. I will find a way. I will go to Manhattan and Arrowhead. I will drag my kids to the local bars. I will let myself in friends’ houses. I will try streaming. I will invest in bulk aluminum foil. It can be done. I will survive this football season.

Then I woke up Saturday morning to NO INTERNET.

Somewhere in Norman, Oklahoma, Carmen shivered. My scream shook the ground.

 

It’s fixed. The internet will be restored. The cable will be restored. The cable company is sending us several hundred dollars in VISA gift cards for our trouble. They accidentally deleted our entire account when they pulled cable.

The Football Gods want to see a social media showdown on October 18th. KSU vs. OU. Open the taps!

Get me off this island.

 

Are you a woman with the football man gene? Who is your favorite team to watch? Do you use cable or do you stream? Would you curl into a ball and die without internet? OU or KSU, what’s your bet?

deserted_island

 

The forbidden post.

25 Aug

This is the post Scott told me I couldn’t post when I wanted to post it.

Our conversation back in June:

Scott: You can’t write on your blog when we’ll be out of town. We could get robbed.

Me: But that’s the whole point of the post. What would they take? We have nothing.

Scott: Post it to your private social media accounts.

Me: Huh? What is a private social media account? It’s a public blog.

Scott: I will divorce you if you post this post tomorrow. Post your robber post after we get back.

We’re back! We are ready to fight off intruders with barking dogs, screams and Scott scrambling to get his AR out of the locked safe in the basement.

Scott and the grandparents of Facebook are right – posting on social media when you are out of town will make it easier for intruders to enter your home without getting caught.

But do the intruders know what to expect?

Dear Intruder:

Scott and I are out of town fishing again. You know this because I posted a picture of myself holding a fish that you will not find in Kansas. I hope you are smart enough to realize we spend all of our money on plane tickets.

I let our neighbors know when we’re out of town. You’re being watched.

Whoops! Did you get dog poop on your shoe while crossing our yard? I meant to pick that up before we left.

Our neighbors are laughing at you from their windows.

I’m giving you a warning because I don’t want to see anyone die, even lowlifes like yourself -

we have a rattlesnake problem in our neighborhood.

– we have a rattlesnake problem in our neighborhood.

Congratulations! You got in! The security alarm is going off. Better go fast. What’s first on your list? Small electronic devices with an apple logo on them? Nope, we have all of those with us. They’re entertaining our kids so Scott and I don’t have to.

We also have our iPhones, laptops, cameras and Go Pros. That fish won’t appear on social media by itself.

What else is a hot item? Jewelry to pawn? Master bathroom. I have a small collection of Charming Charlie’s jewelry from the clearance rack. I love a good deal. The only piece of jewelry of any value is on my finger. And I hope it’s not attracting barracudas while I float in the ocean with a beer in hand.

You’re kinda like a barracuda yourself. I catch barracudas, chop them up and use them as bait when I fish.

Scott did lose his wedding ring. If you can find that, it’s all yours, man. We spent weeks looking for it. It’s already gone in our minds. Can you leave me a note on where you found it? I would be curious.

What’s next? Master closet. Look around – I am missing the female gene. I don’t have a shoe fetish. I don’t even like to shop. I believe money should be spent at Target and vacations. My shelves are filled with workout clothes because I don’t believe in working out on vacation either.

You can browse Scott’s designer suits and shirts. He dresses well. But you will have to move his tick-infested, poison-ivy-covered hunt clothes to get to them. I gave up on trying to organize his side of the closet years ago. I break out in a rash. You never know what will appear on Scott’s side of the closet.

This was Scott uniform for the ice bucket challenge.

A speedo. Yes. This was Scott’s uniform for the ice bucket challenge.

Hey! Get out of the bedside drawer, you perv! Everyone knows that’s off limits.

Ok, I’m just going to say it out loud – WHAT is that smell? It’s worse than dog poop. Oh, those kids. One of them forgot to flush the toilet before we left. Scott will be cleaning that when we get back because the kids get their absentmindedness from him.

Kid room. Nothing.

Another kid room. Nothing.

Is the alarm annoying you yet?

Guest room. No, not a guest room. It’s a play room. A play room where a bomb exploded pink glitter and naked barbies. The girls left tacks and staples on the floor to keep me from entering and throwing out old toys because they’re geniuses. You probably won’t notice the tacks because you are wearing shoes. Shoes with dog poop still caked to the bottom. Please – take the toys. Take it all.

Now what? Art on the walls? Decorative pieces in the house? Nope. I told you – I am missing the female gene. The house isn’t even clean because I spent my time typing this letter to you.

That alarm must be warping your brain. The cops are on their way. The neighbors have rolled out their lawn chairs and a bowl of popcorn. They hear sirens. It’s about to get good in the ‘hood.

Run to the basement! Ah, the final resting place for Scott’s trophy mounts. The deer are staring at you. The alligator head is a warning. The sailfish cries tears of saltwater. There’s a  bobcat on the wall. A wildcat. Scott is a K-State Wildcat alum. A Wildcat shot a wildcat. Get out. Get out, now. You can’t get to the guns. They are locked up. Only Scott knows the code. You don’t want this man mad at you.

That large TV in the corner looks nice. It’s a tube, dude. They still make those. We won’t give it up until it blows up.

Make your way to the bar. Do you want to take some beer to your lowlife friends? You better grab a frosty mug because the only beer we have is on tap.

Don’t touch the whiskey. You don’t want this woman mad at you either. You’ve already tracked dog poop all over my house and I’m annoyed at the fact that I’ll have to scrub like Cinderella when I get home.

Here come the cops.

Wave to the neighbors.

Don’t forget your bag of toys.

forbidden

Are you concerned when people post they are out of town on social media? What precautions do you take before you leave your house? Are you missing the female gene too? Does your husband wear speedos?

Oh Emma, Oh Kate.

20 Aug

Me: Kate, you need to wear socks if you’re going to wear tennis shoes today.

Kate: No, but thank you for asking.

____________

Kate: Have you ever eaten a cigar?

____________

Kate: Daddy shouldn’t shoot a deer. They are nice. And he is mean.

Emma: Uh, Kate that was rude. You know I hunt.

____________

Kate: When I grow up, I will never cut strawberries. I might cut my finger off.

____________

Emma: A lot of kids in my class are K-State fans, mom! And my teacher too!

Kate: Well, who’s NOT a K-State fan, Emma? You need to talk to those kids and make them like K-State.

____________

Kate: Can I get my ears pierced tomorrow?

Me: Who are you talking to?

Kate: Myself.

Me: Who told you that? Are you talking to your Aunt JJ on Facetime?

Kate: No. I’m not talking to JJ. I told myself – I’m getting my ears pierced tomorrow.

____________

Kate: Hey dad. Remember your blue truck?

Scott: Yeah.

Kate: Oh, I was just thinking about the color blue and I thought of your old truck.

____________

Kate: My favorite story daddy tells me is when he dresses in pink dresses.

____________

Kate: So, like, what day do tornados come?

____________

Kate: Guess what me, Emma and Elle did? We played in the TOILET WATER! (falls to floor, laughing)

____________

Scott: (putting Kate to bed) You know I’ll always protect you, right?

Kate: You protect me from the bad guys?

Scott: Yep.

Kate: Will you cut their neck off?

Scott: Uhhhhh

Kate: Like the top of a strawberry.

____________

Emma and I were reading a book on weird but true outrageous facts.

Emma: (reading out loud) A large python can swallow a goat whole. (pauses) What is a goat hole?

____________

Kate: Mom.

Me: Yep.

Kate: I have a question for you.

Me: Yes…

Kate: Has daddy seen you naked?

____________

The girls were taking a bath.

Kate: Emma has curly hair. Is my hair curly or straight?

Me: It’s straight.

Emma: It’s not curly or straight. It’s just crazy, Kate.

____________

We took the girls to a KC Royals game with some friends. We were watching the game.

Kate: When are the Royals going to throw to K-State?

____________

The crowd was chanting “Let’s-go-Roy-als” (Clap clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.)

Kate: (shouting) I-don’t-love-you! (Clap clap. Clap. Clap. Clap.)

____________

We left the Royals game. We told the girls and their friends to hold hands.

Tanner: Kate, can I hold your hand?

Kate: No. You’re a boy.

Me: Kate. Hold his hand. There are lots of people.

Tanner: I’ll just walk next to her.

Kate: Walk behind me.

____________

(In the car, on the way home from the Royals game)

Kate: Mommy!

Me: (silent)

Scott: Mommy is not listening to you. She’s on the Internet.

Kate: Rude.

Me: Uh, you are rude. You need to hold Tanner’s hand in crowds. It doesn’t matter if he’s a boy.

Kate: Uh, being on the Internet and not listening to daddy is ruder.

____________

Me: Emma, go feed the dogs.

Emma: Do I look like Scott to you?

____________

Kate: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Shoot! I won.

Me: Dangit.

Kate: Rock. Paper. Scissors. Gimme a hug! Haaaaa!

____________

Our friend, Casey, was visiting. Kate pulls out a snap bracelet. She snaps it on his wrist.

Kate: You’re arrested for being cute.

____________

Me: Ah! This bug bite in my belly button is killing me.

Emma: I have one on my butt.

Kate: Inside or outside?

____________

Kate: What bit you?

Emma: It was probably a mosquito.

Kate: Or a cockroach.

____________

Kate: How do pigs make bacon?

____________

Emma: Mom, can I have a gatorade?

Me: Yeah, that’s fine.

Kate: Mom, can I have nothing?

____________

Kate: When it’s cold out, it’s really warm.

Me: Huh?

Emma: Mom, she’s pretending to be Elsa from Frozen. She changes into Elsa all the time.

____________

Kate: What’s your favorite color in the ocean?

____________

Me: Don’t do that.

Kate: Do what?

Me: You’re blowing bubbles in your chocolate milk.

Kate: But I’m talking to it.

____________

Kate walks in my bathroom. She pulls at the skin on her chest.

Kate: These are going to get bigger, right mom?

____________

My two-year-old niece, Gabby, was swimming in the pool and shooting her water gun. I walked by.

Gabby: I shoot your wiener off, Juwee.

____________

 

Special Edition: Oh kids.

 Kid: I can’t brush my teeth. There’s mold on my toothbrush.

Me: No, there’s not. Is there really?

Kids: (smiles with her head down) It’s white!

Me: It’s dried toothpaste!

____________

Me: (watching a baseball game) Hey kid, are you going to play baseball when you’re older?

Kid: No.

Me: What about soccer?

Kid: No.

Me: Football?

Kid: No. I don’t like sports.

Me: Oh. That’s cool. What do you think you’ll be when you’re older?

Kid: A hard workin’ man.

____________

Kid: I’m a princess but I know how to fight.

____________

Kid: Are you older than 63,543,876?

____________

Kid: What is tonsil hockey?

____________

A child’s 8th birthday.

Parent: What do you want to do for your birthday?

Kid: Go skydiving!

____________

A mom and dad were playing Halo and their boys were watching.

Kid 1: Kill mommy!

Kid 2: Not mommy, shoot daddy!

____________

A brother and sister were filling out school forms. They didn’t understand what “Sex: M   F” meant. The brother circled M and the sister circled F.

Brother: We figured it out, mom. M stands for Medium sexy and F stands for Full sexy.

____________

Is your kid hilarious?

If you have any kid sayings that you would like to see here, please email me at: jbugbytes@gmail.com

Your child’s name will be kept anonymous.

ohemmaohkate

The cold never bothered me anyway.

18 Aug

Emma: Mommy, why are we dumping a bucket of water on your head after school?

Me: Well, people want to help fight a disease called ALS.

Emma: What is ALS?

Me: Here, let’s look it up. Ok. It’s a disease. It starts in the brain and it attacks the muscles. If someone gets ALS they won’t be able to move or swallow. They eventually cannot breathe. And there is no cure. People are video taping themselves getting a bucket of ice water dumped on their head to raise awareness. And they are donating money to help figure out how to stop the disease.

Emma: But why a bucket of ice water?

Me: I don’t know. It’s a challenge maybe? It’s a little crazy, huh?

Kate: Elsa would like it.

Me: Ha! She would.

 

 

A shout out to my two crazy, talented friends -

Click here to wish Carmen Carver warm thoughts – Carmen Carver Photography and Design.

Click here to watch Justin Liebergen on his YouTube show, Vash and Justin.

Click here to donate to the ALS Association.  – I also nominate everyone that hasn’t dumped a bucket of ice water over your head to donate. I don’t want our kids explaining to their kids what ALS is.

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